Hi everyone,
If you read any previous posts by me you may know that I had been in a really bad relationship for 2 years with this girl. She cheated on me, and messed with my head time and time again. I used to cry and scream and tell her I was scared that I would hurt myself, and she would just say she was too tired to talk and she would hang up on me time and time again. About 4/5 months ago she broke up with me for the millionth time and I begged and begged for her back. Why? For some reason even though she treated me horribly I felt as if I needed her in order to feel OK. Crazy, I know.
Well after all that my senses kicked in and ever since then I have steered clear of her. I moved into a new house and months pass and now she tries getting back in my life. She calls my house on occasion acting like nothing ever happened. I just hang up the second I realize who it is because I don't have Call ID. My niece and I haven't been talking because my ex started crap between us and one of my good female friends. I was doing so well until she came crawling back.
Just yesterday my niece apologized to me and she was crying. So her and I are on good terms again but I found out some things also that tore me apart. I found out that my ex slept with close to 20 guys since we've been apart and that one of them was one of my 1st cousins. I also found out things that were lies while I dated my ex. In other words I gave my all for 2 years worth of lies.
I felt so dumb, so foolish.
I ended up losing it yesterday. I've lost it before but never ever like this. I started punching my dresser and managed to break it and bust all the knuckles on my right hand. I then ran to the kitchen and had the urge to grab a knife and take my life. I've never had a panic attack quite like this one ever. I started screaming and my legs gave out and I collapsed on the floor. My poor niece did not know what to do. While on the floor I kept banging my head against the cabinet. Luckily my friend Amanda showed up and they both helped calm me down a bit.
The thing is that I have no feelings for my ex whatsoever, of that I am sure. But my entire life even since being a child I have for some reason always been down on my self about girls and sexual matters. I always felt worthless. I didn't kiss until I was 17 I believe. I always was too scared and thought that physically I was nothing more than a piece of crap to be honest. I suppose hearing the things my ex has been doing makes me more recognize my insecurities, and god does it hurt. I'm not sure at this point what to do anymore really. What more can I do to insure that she never calls here again? I've just been so scared lately, terrified actually. Thanks to any of you who read this, it means a lot to me.
Peace & Love
-Dustin
I lost it!
-
Guest
hang in there your not with her anymore I know its easier said then done, but trust me I was exactly where you are about 2 years ago I dated my ex for a little over 4 years and toward the end of our relationship I found out he had been cheating on me all along I felt so naive like why didnt I see this before I wasted 4 years of my life with this asshole. I got out of that relationship thank God but then he tried getting back together he would call and tell me if i didnt that he would kill him self and all this other stuff that took a huge toll on me I felt like I had no choice but to get back with him I had a nervous breakdown one night almost had to go to the hospital I couldnt breathe I was hyperventalating I thought I would go crazy but i talked to my mom and we called the hospital and told them everything and he ended up being commited to the psych unit and now I never talk to him, but just pleas trust me it will get better cut all ties with her you are a better person then that and dont deserve this use it as a learning toll for future relationships and occupy yourself with other things to take your mind off of all the recent stuff you found out push it out of your head believe me breaking up with her was the biggest part now im sure the light at the end of the tunnell is near, just be relieved that you no longer have to worry about what shes doing with whoever live your life for you keep your head up hun!
-
Guest
Hey Dustin, I'm really sorry u had to go thru all that. I know how sucky it is. It happened to me years ago, and i was so in love with this guy i was about to jump out of a window 47 storys high. But then i realized he wasnt worth it all.
All i can say is, thats good u found out all the truth and i know it hurts but i mean it tells u how she really is and she's not worth being with.
I'm sorry about how panicky you got... gladly your friend and neice helped u calm down.
But hey dont ever give up on girls... sonner or later u will find the right one and will be happy. I mean i thought the same thing u did after me and this guy broke up. but then i was blessed with the man im with riht now... been together for 6 years and have 2 kids.
So dont ever give up... just live life to the fullest... everyone has a significant other out there and when its time she will come along.
Take care
And i totally agree with <span class="ev_code_RED">codysbabe</span>
All i can say is, thats good u found out all the truth and i know it hurts but i mean it tells u how she really is and she's not worth being with.
I'm sorry about how panicky you got... gladly your friend and neice helped u calm down.
But hey dont ever give up on girls... sonner or later u will find the right one and will be happy. I mean i thought the same thing u did after me and this guy broke up. but then i was blessed with the man im with riht now... been together for 6 years and have 2 kids.
So dont ever give up... just live life to the fullest... everyone has a significant other out there and when its time she will come along.
Take care
And i totally agree with <span class="ev_code_RED">codysbabe</span>
-
Guest
Thank you both so very much for your responses. I can say there was some comfort in reading what you both had to say. I know the next few days/weeks will be hard, but I have to take care of myself. I'm not such a bad person after all, and I deserve better than that. Thanks again.
Peace & Love
-Dustin
Peace & Love
-Dustin
-
Guest
Hey Dustin, you're ex really doesn't sound like the best girlfriend or person! I dated someone for about 2 years and lived with him, I was completely in love with him. We were even engaged, and then after we got engaged he started getting super jealous, putting me down all of the time even in public (he said pretty MEAN things too) and he got physically abusive and was just a very angry person, yet I couldn't and didn't want to get away from him. He made me wear baggy clothes so that guys wouldn't stare at me and if they did I would get in so much trouble. I had never had anyone say so many horrible things or do so many horrible things to me in my life, but being young and stupid like I was with no prior experience I thought like some people think, they will change or get better. I ended up having my first panic attack when I was dating him. And the panic just got worse as we were dating and he got even more angry because I couldn't leave the house or do anything. I finally took the big step and left him and moved back home with my parents. Even though I knew like you that I didn't care for him anymore I was just so angry about so many things that went on with us and finding out that he cheated on me and dwelling on everything that happened. And sometimes I got lonely because I was so used to being with someone that I misinterpreted it as me wanting him back. But the anger and frustration was so bad even when I knew it was over I would get extremely upset like you did. I did try to punch a wall or something but it hurt too bad and I can't handle pain too well =P
Just be so proud of yourself that you got out of that relationship. You are so much better off without her, especially after what you have learned. I believe in Karma, and her day will come. And even though we go through these horrible relationships that make us feel like we just want to die or scream or cry forever, we always learn something good from them, and I'm sure you will carry a lot of lessons from this one. Also my mom always says if we never experienced anything bad we would never know what the good things are in life. And I try to tell that to myself a lot.
And I agree that you shouldn't be down about girls, I always have felt there is someone out there for everyone. You will find someone when you least expect it, someone who is right for you and doesn't treat you like crap. When I get upset about not finding someone especially because of my issues I just remind myself that it will happen and it does make me feel better.
If you don't want her to call anymore is there some way you can change your number? And if not see if your phone company can block her number for you. You don't need that negativity or drama in your life, you're better than that. And you really need to believe that and think that. Work on trying to feel better about yourself because you deserve it. I have had such a low self-esteem and horrible self-confidence my whole life like many of us do, and it isn't worth it. We live with ourselves our whole lives and I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way or thinking this way about myself and life. Try and be positive about who you are, you seem like a really great person who deserves so much more.
Jennifer
Just be so proud of yourself that you got out of that relationship. You are so much better off without her, especially after what you have learned. I believe in Karma, and her day will come. And even though we go through these horrible relationships that make us feel like we just want to die or scream or cry forever, we always learn something good from them, and I'm sure you will carry a lot of lessons from this one. Also my mom always says if we never experienced anything bad we would never know what the good things are in life. And I try to tell that to myself a lot.
And I agree that you shouldn't be down about girls, I always have felt there is someone out there for everyone. You will find someone when you least expect it, someone who is right for you and doesn't treat you like crap. When I get upset about not finding someone especially because of my issues I just remind myself that it will happen and it does make me feel better.
If you don't want her to call anymore is there some way you can change your number? And if not see if your phone company can block her number for you. You don't need that negativity or drama in your life, you're better than that. And you really need to believe that and think that. Work on trying to feel better about yourself because you deserve it. I have had such a low self-esteem and horrible self-confidence my whole life like many of us do, and it isn't worth it. We live with ourselves our whole lives and I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way or thinking this way about myself and life. Try and be positive about who you are, you seem like a really great person who deserves so much more.
Jennifer
-
Guest
Hey dustin,
I can relate to you in a way besides the cheating, My ex was physically, verbally, amd mentally abusive and I stayed for almost two years and even one night when he beat me up really bad I still went back, it was like he was a drug and I was addicted to him. Its been two years Since i cut off all contact with him and i believe my chronic anxiety and depression does stem from that relationship, but I am with someone now who loves me and treats me right. We have been together for two years.
She isn't worth it. I had to realize that someone who loved me wouldn't treat me that way, and then that was hard to grasp to know he didn't truly love me. And neither does she. She likes to be in control and so did my ex. And once they loose control over you they try and get you back..BE STRONG and stay away from her.
Are you going through the program?
remember NO ONE is worth taking your life!
I can relate to you in a way besides the cheating, My ex was physically, verbally, amd mentally abusive and I stayed for almost two years and even one night when he beat me up really bad I still went back, it was like he was a drug and I was addicted to him. Its been two years Since i cut off all contact with him and i believe my chronic anxiety and depression does stem from that relationship, but I am with someone now who loves me and treats me right. We have been together for two years.
She isn't worth it. I had to realize that someone who loved me wouldn't treat me that way, and then that was hard to grasp to know he didn't truly love me. And neither does she. She likes to be in control and so did my ex. And once they loose control over you they try and get you back..BE STRONG and stay away from her.
Are you going through the program?
remember NO ONE is worth taking your life!
Thanks so much once again. :u]
It is so weird how even though I know I was doing ten times better without her and that I was sticking with the program until she came back in my life, AND also that I was not so anxious and voluntarily faces one of my biggest fears I still feel like I can't get there again. Anxiety will do that though I suppose.
I started back up the program yesterday though. I can't keep doing this to myself. She called 3 times yesterday at 3 AM and said nothing. She calls just to hear me talk and it creeps me the hell out. I just hang up as soon as I realize no one is talking because I know it is her.
I just want to get back to the point I was at during the program. I was doing so awesome.
It feels so amazing to know that I am not alone, even in these situations. There is so much comfort in knowing so. It is especially great to see that all of you dealt with similar situations and have gotten beyond it. Thanks so very much.
Peace & Love
-Dustin
It is so weird how even though I know I was doing ten times better without her and that I was sticking with the program until she came back in my life, AND also that I was not so anxious and voluntarily faces one of my biggest fears I still feel like I can't get there again. Anxiety will do that though I suppose.
I started back up the program yesterday though. I can't keep doing this to myself. She called 3 times yesterday at 3 AM and said nothing. She calls just to hear me talk and it creeps me the hell out. I just hang up as soon as I realize no one is talking because I know it is her.
I just want to get back to the point I was at during the program. I was doing so awesome.
It feels so amazing to know that I am not alone, even in these situations. There is so much comfort in knowing so. It is especially great to see that all of you dealt with similar situations and have gotten beyond it. Thanks so very much.
Peace & Love
-Dustin
~K
-
Guest
That's great that you started the program again, and to know you were doing great before when you were doing the program is really encouraging. I hope things work out the way you want them to and I hope your creepy ex leaves you alone soon. But the good news is you can move on with your life regardless. I wish the very best for you, and keep us updated!