separation

Denise Lynn · Post by **Denise Lynn** » Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:13 pm

I was doing well with the program. I thought I had a strong relationship with my husband. Last week during what I thought was a special time(watching a bonfire), I suggested that maybe we could get intimate. He replied that he was thinking in the opposite direction and that he wanted to separate. I am in so much dispair. I see now that he had made some preparations. How do I quit loving him.

TracyH · Post by **TracyH** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 1:54 am

Denise Lynn, I am SO sorry to hear of your situation...sounds as if you were really thrown for a loop. I don't know that I have any advise or solution for you but wanted you to know how hurt I feel, for you. One of my fears is of having this scenario played out in my own life...I don't know why but I've heard of this type of thing happening SO much that I know we're not exempt from it happening...and unfortunately, there's really nothing we can do, to change another's mind/heart...other than to pray for them, that they'll find peace. Just as you can't MAKE another love you, you can't MAKE yourself STOP loving another. Prayer, I believe, is a very powerful thing...I pray that you both find the happiness (hopefully back together...remember a separation does not have to lead to divorce)you both deserve. Sometimes we think along the lines of "the grass being greener on the other side of the fence" but as they say, it still needs to be mowed and tended too! We all carry backgrounds/baggage with us! I sincerely hope that your husband will see that he has something really special with you and that together you two can work it out! My very best wishes to you...

Nelson Project · Post by **Nelson Project** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 2:08 am

Denise - I think Tracy H hit it on the head(Great Reply) but remember that in this life we can only control how we feel and we can't control the other person. Separation, for some couples, has turned out to be what they needed to rediscover how much love they had for each other. Sad to say I have been there, 2 years ago, when my wife left for a short time with both of our kids, I was having a hard time with anxiety & depression, since then our relationship could not be better, and I am working to overcome my problems. It was the hardest time of my life, but it made it much better now. Don't give up because all things happen for a reason. Good Luck!

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 7:44 am

Hi Denise. My heart just sank like a rock when I read your post. Tracy certainly has some wise counsel, and Nelson knows how you suffer. I don't know what else to offer that would be helpful, but I want you to know so many of us have been there. You will get through it. After almost 17 years of marriage, a relationship which I thought was solid and strong, which all our friends thought was the classic success story, ended. He woke up one morning and began packing up his SUV. I knew he had a guest teaching trip at a university on his schedule, so there I was helping him pack! But then he kept putting more and more stuff in the SUV. I asked how long he was going to be away and he said he'd decided to resume his old job teaching at that same university (in California). I watched the tail lights blink a few times while he drove off, and then I sat in numb silence for the rest of that week. There is no pain that equals that one. To this day I don't know where the marriage went. Reading your post brought those heartbreak feelings back. Eventually I reached out to friends, and by staying busy with my work and my friends, I emerged from that experience with new respect for myself. How do you quit loving him? I'm not sure we ever quit loving a person. I believe love is pretty much infinite (my opinion). I do believe we learn to put it in a different place. We learn through hard work and patience that love changes. And we can change. And you will be okay. Grab your support right now, your friends, your family. Hold on tight. And please write back to us here.

mamad · Post by **mamad** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 5:33 pm

Hi Denise Lynn,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. My husband and I went through a very, very difficult time about three and a half years ago. We almost ended the marriage.

Don't give up on your marriage yet. The love that brought you together is still there. As others have posted, sometimes, it takes time.

I don't know that I would have ever stopped loving my husband if the marriage would have ended. Perhaps it would have just been different.

I am new here but it seems that we have so much support. Don't stop posting...even if it is just to get your feeling out, that is so important.

Love yourself, you are a wonderful person!