10 year old son is always worried

ccmom · Post by **ccmom** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 4:57 am

I am new to this forum, which was recommended to me by a friend. My husband and I have two children; a 14 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. We have a pretty relaxed household with not-out-of-the-ordinary conflicts. There has been no trauma in our family, nor abrupt changes. Our son, despite this, seems to be worried about everything. He is anxious about so many things that a 10 year old boy should not be anxious about. He cannot go to bed alone at night as he fears the solitude. He doesn't fear the bogeyman; only expresses that he doesn't want to lie down alone and that he feels he needs someone to 'protect' him while he falls asleep. This, of course, makes it very difficult for my husband and I to have any time together in the evenings, whether to sit and catch up with each other or to go out. We have tried to encourage him, have tried to make him lie down for short periods by himself while we pop in to check on him, we have tried rewards, bribes, restrictions. He is uncomfortable knowing that he is probably the only 10 year old boy he knows who has to have a parent lie down with him to get him to fall asleep. He is also very anxious about school and whether or not he is going to be able to do well. He is anxious about his participation in sports and has a very hard time maintaining his composure if things are not going well. He is a very good athlete and puts much pressure on himself to perform, but we fear that he just doesn't really enjoy his participation because he is too worried about being the best. He expressed just a few evenings ago that he is worried that he won't grow up to be a good man, but might instead be in jail for losing his temper with someone when he is older. He is very sensitive to anyone making fun of him and tends to not be able to walk away. He does well in school and his teachers have all admired his kind and gentle spirit. He is rough and tumble on the outside, but tender and sensitive on the inside. If my husband and I happen to have a disagreement (never screaming, but clearly discussing), my son will start to panic and cry out "DON'T FIGHT". If my husband and I want to go out for an evening together (which is rare these days), my son will become unglued because he doesn't want us to leave and we end up either staying home, or leaving and not fully enjoying our time out. We are constantly talking to our son and reassuring him that everything is going to be alright. I have started printing out a "worry quote of the day" for him each morning, for him to think about whenever he is becoming anxious. He expresses that he is unhappy and angry and frustrated, but he says he doesn't really know why. He says he wishes that life could just be perfect and I explained that you cannot enjoy sunshine without a little rain. We are very concerned about him and about how to help him overcome all of the irrational fears and anxieties he is experiencing. We have talked to his pediatrician, who recommended a phychiatrist, however, we are not willing to medicate him. Does anyone else have this experience with any of their children and have you been able to work through it with them? Can you provide me with some insights that might help us to calm him?

tvgirl · Post by **tvgirl** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 5:10 am

A phychiatrist might not be a bad thing. Just because he goes to a phychiatrist, doesn't automatically mean they will medicate him. Plus, you can always decline medication as his parents. But, it sounds like he does need to talk to a professional to get to the bottom of his anxieties and fears. You don't want it to spiral out of control.

It's just my opinion, but I hope it helps.

mandif · Post by **mandif** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 5:34 am

First I would make extra sure that nothing bad has happened. It may not have been in your household but it doesn't mean it didn't happen. Of course kids can be anxious without trauma but I suffered through a lot of the same things you are describing and I know that at least part of it was because I was molested as a very young child. Nobody even found out about it until I was much older. I had many of the same fears, in fact I slept nestled in my mothers arms until I was almost a teenager. Even when I stopped sleeping in the same bed with her I would purposely fall asleep on the couch early so that I would not have to fall asleep by myself.
There are of course children who are just naturaly anxious so I am not suggesting by any means that just because he feels like this something had to have happened and perhaps I would have had the same fears either way. Who knows, I only know what the doctors tell me. I would say definately get help from a phychiatrist, just try to find one that specializes in using natural treatments as opposed to medicating people. There are all sorts of natural methods out there. A great new one is a small machine that hooks up to your ear. It sends electrical currents out and actually is proven by the FDA to work better then medication. It has no side effects and has a longer lasting effect. It sounds crazy but it is FDA approved and it is covered by insurance if given a prescription for it. I wish I could remember the name of it for you.
Another thing that you guys can do together is take up yoga or meditation. It really helps to ground people. Plus it is not competitive. He may find it relaxing to just do something that can be enjoyed without having the worry of having to win. I am really not into new age stuff but if there is a chance it could work I would try it before I try meds. I have been through a lot of the same things your son is going through so feel free to email me. bufalvo@yahoo.com

hope4peace · Post by **hope4peace** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 5:39 am

hi ccmom,

I'm sorry your son is struggling with anxiety. At 10 years old, my daughter went through about 3to6 months of horrible anxiety. She has always been anxious but during that period it was intensified and she had panic attacks. She would want me to sleep with her at night and even asked is she could sleep with me and her dad sometimes. I would take her back to her room and help her calm down. Because I have suffered from anxiety/depression since I can remember (about 6 years old), I was able to explain to her and show her some skills to help her manage anxiety herself. At night I would read to her from Lucinda Bassett's Panic to Power book. I would make it more kid friendly though in some areas because it is more geared for adults. It explains that this is in their control, why it's happening and what they can do to change it. I also bought a child's meditation tape for anxious children. Here is the website if you are interested in looking into it. This helped her calm down and get to bed on her own. <A HREF="http://www.childanxiety.net/I_Can_Relax ... ildren.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.childanxiety.net/I_Can_Relax ... ren.htm</A>

She still is very negative and when I hear her say something that is depressive or negative in nature I try and help her rephrase it so that it is more rational. For example, I hate my life, I wish I was NEVER born. Instead, I say, I hear that you are frustrated, what you said seems kindof extreme, let's see if there is a better way to express how upset you are like, I am so upset I have to do all this homework, it really gets in the way of me having fun. I don't like not being able to do what I want do. I will work on my homework for an hour and give myself a break. Then I'll go back to it after I do something I like for 30 minutes. This type of dialogue helps her develop rational self-talk and problem solving skills. People that have anxiety/depression have negative habits that have to be replaced with more constructive, nurturing, positive habits. If you can, try and find a book on cognitive therapy. There is a website called <A HREF="http://www.moodgym.com" TARGET=_blank>www.moodgym.com</A> that might interest you. I hope some of this helps. Best of luck. It is so hard to watch our babies suffer. Finding a skilled psychologist who is experienced with anxiety can really help a great deal. You do not have to medicate! It is well-documented that cognitive behavior therapy helps eleviate anxiety. I would also recommend having your son take walks at least 4 times a week. This will help produce "feel good" hormones and also relieve any stresses he may pick up during his day. It's not easy being a young one these days. Best wishes!

ccmom · Post by **ccmom** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 7:02 am

Thank you to those who have responded with your thoughts and helpful information. We have considered the possibility of inappropriate contact as a source of his frustration and anxiety, but have ruled that out. He is a pretty open child, choosing to share rather than conceal. He even comes home from school and reports even the smallest mistakes he may have made that day because he doesn't like holding difficult stuff inside. That is why it is so hard to understand why his personality is that of an anxious child. He communicates extremely well and often. It might also be important to note that his fraternal uncle and his uncle's son are very similar in temperament and have been since childhood. We kind of have a standing joke in the family in that the uncle is referred to as "Grandma Tippy Toes" because he is such a worry wart, as is his son. So, I wonder if my son is genetically predisposed to these irrational concerns he has. At any rate, we just want him to be assured that even if the things he does fear should come to pass, things always have a way of working out. I did immediately check out that CD entitled "I Can Relax" and I ordered it. I'm anxious to see if it can help him. I also like the idea of yoga. He is such a physical child, involved in many sports programs. But all of them seem to instill a killer instinct mentality. Maybe yoga will show him a calmer side of physical activity (and me too!) I also like the idea of 'rephrasing'. He often makes extreme statements similar to what you mentioned. I so appreciate having some ideas to try. My heart breaks for him sometimes. And yes, I agree, it can be pretty tough for kids these days. I certainly can see where the demands on them now are much greater than when I was a child. And the risks to them are also greater.

LovingLife · Post by **LovingLife** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 7:27 am

My son is 10 years old too and he has dealt with alot of the same things as your son. Our situations are different because I am divorced from his dad and he has had some anxieties with seeing him but while he was seeing a wonderful child psychologist he got well. He too was afraid to go to bed alone or even go upstairs by himself. He too was a perfectionist and wanted to do well in school and always wanted to please us, his grandparents, and teachers. He still has not slept over at another person's house except his grandparent's house but we are still working on that. Perhaps you should make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in "play therapy". Our therapist had a sand table and lots of toys to put inside which showed his insecurities after he would play. She really helped him but it didn't happen overnight -- it took close to a year but he now goes upstairs by himself without being afraid, he goes to sleep by himself with the lights out (a big accomplishment) and enjoys school now instead of worrying about everything. If you would like to talk one on one about our experiences, please private message me or email me at CHERIELSMITH@COMCAST.NET -- I would be happy to support you.

Good luck.

Cherie

Trudibug · Post by **Trudibug** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 3:53 pm

Hi,
I just read your post. I have a ten year old girl who is very anxious most of the time. I actually ordered this program after my daughter
for a couple of weeks would cry a lot and say she wanted to die. I have another child who is 12 who went through similar problems at this same age. I thought I had better get my anxiety and depression under control so I can model good coping skills to them. Anyway, my youngest does go to a psychologist. She likes going to her. Also, I do lay down with her at bedtime and we listen to the relaxation tape that I received with this program. She falls asleep very quickly.The last two nights I have not had to lay with her!!! I am going to order that kids CD too. She may like that one better. She is learning deep breathing, relaxation techniques and imagery. Walking really helps her too. I just need to be better at getting her out to walk.
My 12 year old has been unteachable ever since she has been 9 when she was first diagnosed with depression and OCD. She has been on medication and it helps her function. I hate that she is on meds, but she can't function without them.
I really do not want my other daughter to have to take meds. She is very willing to talk about her feelings, so I don't think she will have to.
It is extremely hard watching my girls go through this. Unfortunately, anxiety and depression is big in both my family and my husband's. Also, my husband works 4 hours away and he travels quite a bit. My girls do feel scared when he is gone. I guess we all do.
My faith helps me a lot too. I don't think I'd be here today with out it.
I do hope your son feels better. Let him know thatthere are other 10 year olds that feel the same way. It helps my daughter feel better to know that she is not alone.
Take care and I would love to know how he is doing.

mandif · Post by **mandif** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 4:12 pm

ccmom I also communicated well as a child. In fact I felt guilty about everything. Every mistake that I made or everytime I did something I felt was wrong I had to come right out and tell my mother. Sometimes we would sit for hours because I felt the need to go through every detail of what I did wrong whether it was that day, or years before. It sounds like he may be having feelings of guilt. I never liked holding difficult things inside, it would eat me up until I talked to somebody about it. That is another reason that a phyciatrist may be a healthy way to deal. Eventually there will come a time when he will need to keep stuff to himself and he may have a hard time doing that. Having a person outside of the family may make it easier on him seeing as how when he becomes a teenager it is normal for them to not want to confide in their parents as much. Just a thought.

momandson · Post by **momandson** » Wed Nov 01, 2006 12:35 pm

WOW,
You just described my 11 year old son. He is the reason I bought this kit but it is a bit old and well to him boring to listen to. I too have laid down many a night and my husband thinks I'm adding to the problem. He is nice about it and supportive but he doesn't get the anxiety thing. Meanwhile, I get it all to well as I was and am the same way. I would love to keep in touch with you as this similar situation is just what I was hoping to find.
By the way, I doubt he was abused. Some kids just have these irrational fears without a precursor. I did. I had a great childhood but I wanted to throw up before school especially on Mondays. Now my son is the same way. He cannot spend the night anywhere and has missed some awesome field trips due to this.
Like your son he is really bright and very sensitive and athletic all rolled up in a nervous package.
Keep chatting and best of luck.

9 year old · Post by **9 year old** » Mon Jan 15, 2007 3:59 pm

I too just got the program for my son. He has always worried about a variety of topics and in the last few months has added irrational "what if" thinking that is consuming him. There are times when he hugs me very tight and desperately. He sees me as his "safe place" that they talk about in the tapes. It is difficult being a mom and trying to teach him that he is his safe place, not me. But I agree with the thinking. There are so many things out there for kids to process and deal with at this age is an age where they are going back and forth between big kids and little kids. When my son worries, he says he just wants to be little, because his memories of a few years ago seem simpler and happier. It is tough making sure you are there for them, but still working towards them being there for themselves.

I think learning some skills to deal with worry and anxiety as a child is HUGE. They will always need the skills they are learning.

Good luck, we will be thinking of you.