(((CoCo)))
I know it is hard and I am sorry you are feeling this way. I went to the doctors and hospitals, tests, etc to the tune of over 20K. I was SO afraid that they were missing something. But how much can they do? How many more tests would appease me? How far could I have gone? When was I going to be satisfied and accept that this WAS anxiety and not some mysterious illness they were missing
. I did not even believe my sister who told me the mind is much more powerful than we give it credit for
. I never thought this could happen. I thought I was in control and thought I controlled it all
. I mean WHY would I do this to myself?
I just did not understand. I too withdrew because I did not know what was wrong and I really did not want to be with people. (depression, but I never saw that) Then I became afraid, agoraphobic and more symptoms more often. Then more doctor visits, then they do not find anything, then I swear they missed something, I worry more and get more symptoms, worry more, more doctors, think, worry, more empty results, questions, worry, thinking, which caused more intense and frequent symptoms, etc, etc, etc. I was chasing myself in circles! I really did not want meds, but ended up taking then just to get by. Well that was February several years back, and by the first of June, I had a job! I was functioning. Sure I was scared as I was not sure of myself and my ability to hold it together. I went to the bathroom when I needed a "break". But each day I got more confident. The meds helped me climb out of that pit. I felt that is what I needed because things were not improving without them. I am not a med person, even avoid taking a tylenol. I can get vicodin for my migranes, but have not taken it in several years. I know you are not a meds person but is it something maybe you would consider just to get you out of this? A bandaid and then do the program once again?
I got this program the second time I had my anxiety and depression. Yes reluctantly but after much thought and consideration I went back on meds. I am glad I did. I was able to get to a level place, do the program and am off all anxiety and depression meds. Have been off Zoloft almost a year and klonopin since June 2006. The only med I take is Armour Thyroid, which is a natural thyroid hormone. For me I feel without the meds I would not have been in a place to really concentrate on the program for it to be effective. Zoloft and Klonopin were a bandaid for me in order to start the healing, but family and friend support, my therapist, EMDR, the program, prayer, other books, Bible study group, just a whole menagere of things contributed to my healing.
I know you have been trying SO hard and you so deserve to feel awesome. I know it is scary when you cannot deciphere what is anxiety and what is a medical issue. If you have not had a medical once over in some time, maybe now is the time! Write everything down, talk to you MD about your concerns. Be honest. Get everything checked, rule things out, get a piece of mind. From there positive self talk yourself, when those health anxiety questions creep in, do a mental 180 an tell yourself that you were checked and all was well, this is anxiety, you know what it is and how to handle anxious scary thoughts. I know feeling dizzy/off balance can be scary. If you can, get yourself to a chair and try to comfort yourself. Comfort yourself as you would comfort your children in that reassuring, loving mom manner. I know you can get better. I never thought I would. I was just TERRIFIED of symptoms. I was terrified of the ER too. I never thought it would end, never. I thought that this was more powerful than me. I gave it all way too much credit, feared it like the boogey man, thought when was the next bad stomach pains attack going to occur, the pounding heart, the sweats, etc. I already was looking for it, dreading it, fearing it, keep it all alive in my mind. I had to learn to just let it go, live and let live, let it do its thing, comfort myself and believe that I was going to survive it.You will too! I know you will! Much happiness to you!
