Any suggestions on how to deal with a mom who is so afraid of my controlling sister that she has been convinced that I am no good, a bad person, a trouble maker, etc? I have 3 brothers who have told me for years that my younger sister is so jealous of me, she has felt threatened any time my mom and I have had a relationship. If my sister says jump, my mom says how high. My mom has had a problem with me for years and I have always wondered what I did. After counseling and alot of talking to brothers,husband, friends, I realize its not me. My brothers feel we should report my sister for elder abuse (not physical) mental abuse. I'm so afraid to, because I worry about my mom blaming me and only me for doing this. Because of my sister, my mom has tried to turn family members against me, including my own brothers. My husband has watched this for years and has told me to just accept it and move on. But my biggest fear is that what if my mom passes away (shes 82) and her and I don't ever get to reconcile? I would have to carry that with me the rest of my life. People are telling me that is exactly what my sister is planning, to make sure I carry that pain in me.
A little about my sister-----shes 44, never been married, has had many boyfriends in her life, but has scared them off as soon as they see the real her, has a daughter who was seeing a counselor because of the ulsers her mother has caused and then moved to New York to get away from her. My sister is so hateful, condisending, rude, and feels she is superior to everyone. What to do? My mom is deaf and believes everything my sister tells her. None of us go to see her, except one of my brothers, who told her off for belitting his daughter and in turn my mom said I caused my brother to get mad at her. HELP Suzzie
mom controlled by sister
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Guest
Hi Suzzie:
First of all let me say that I'm certainly not an expert on family relationships.
But I do sense that this ia a very painful circumstance for you.
Do you have the Attacking Anxiety program? I think that would help you.
One thing that I've learned in my 80 years, Suzzie, is that I can change NO ONE.
So I don't think you are going to change the minds of your sister or your Mom or any of your brothers. Once you face that you will be more able to come up with a solution for your own reactions.
Realize that you can't change what they feel and think. Accept that.
You are right to think that your Mom's time may be limited.
While you may not can change her mindset toward you, there is something you can do.
You can go to her, with no excuses whatsoever,
and just very simply and truthfully let her know that you love her. That you care about her. That is all that you have to do. And leave the door open for a responce from her.
If you get a favorable responce, just accept without question that you've done all you can.
If you don't get the acceptance, still you can accept that you've done all you can.
This is not easy. But you can do it.
Also, consider this is just between you and your mom.
I don't think that discussing it with your brothers will really help the situation.
Sometimes family relationships are not easy.
Many times they are not.
They can be very painful.
But when you realize that you can't change anyone, then you'll be halfway on the road to reconcilation.
Or, if not reconcilation, then acceptance of a situation you might not be able to help or change.
Sounds like you have an understanding husband.
So you can count your blessings there.
My prayers go out to you this morning.
I am reminded of a verse from the New Testament:
"If God be for us, who can be against us?".
Sometimes we just have to do our part by loving
against all odds, then leave everything in God's hands.
Mary Jane
First of all let me say that I'm certainly not an expert on family relationships.
But I do sense that this ia a very painful circumstance for you.
Do you have the Attacking Anxiety program? I think that would help you.
One thing that I've learned in my 80 years, Suzzie, is that I can change NO ONE.
So I don't think you are going to change the minds of your sister or your Mom or any of your brothers. Once you face that you will be more able to come up with a solution for your own reactions.
Realize that you can't change what they feel and think. Accept that.
You are right to think that your Mom's time may be limited.
While you may not can change her mindset toward you, there is something you can do.
You can go to her, with no excuses whatsoever,
and just very simply and truthfully let her know that you love her. That you care about her. That is all that you have to do. And leave the door open for a responce from her.
If you get a favorable responce, just accept without question that you've done all you can.
If you don't get the acceptance, still you can accept that you've done all you can.
This is not easy. But you can do it.
Also, consider this is just between you and your mom.
I don't think that discussing it with your brothers will really help the situation.
Sometimes family relationships are not easy.
Many times they are not.
They can be very painful.
But when you realize that you can't change anyone, then you'll be halfway on the road to reconcilation.
Or, if not reconcilation, then acceptance of a situation you might not be able to help or change.
Sounds like you have an understanding husband.
So you can count your blessings there.
My prayers go out to you this morning.
I am reminded of a verse from the New Testament:
"If God be for us, who can be against us?".
Sometimes we just have to do our part by loving
against all odds, then leave everything in God's hands.
Mary Jane
I definitely agree with all that Mary Jane has to say in this post.
Even if your mother doesn't respond in a manner that you'd like, there will be a sense of relief within you that knows that you tried. Open up your heart to her, but try your best to do so without expectations.
I know our situations differ in many ways, but my father and I have hardly ever spoken much in the 22 years I've been on this earth so far. We've always lived together, but he was always a very quiet person and kept to himself. To this day I've never had a relationship with him like I've always wanted, but finally i decided to get over my fears and try. Recently I wrote him a letter telling him how much I loved him and wanted us to have a close father-son relationship. It has been days since I wrote it and he has yet to respond. Whether he responds to me at all about it in time, I know in my heart that I gave it a shot. I don't have to wonder "what if" I tried, how it could have been.
Though I know it may be difficult, I would say to go ahead and try. I don't see any reason you would regret it. Take care now.
Peace & Love
-Dustin
Even if your mother doesn't respond in a manner that you'd like, there will be a sense of relief within you that knows that you tried. Open up your heart to her, but try your best to do so without expectations.
I know our situations differ in many ways, but my father and I have hardly ever spoken much in the 22 years I've been on this earth so far. We've always lived together, but he was always a very quiet person and kept to himself. To this day I've never had a relationship with him like I've always wanted, but finally i decided to get over my fears and try. Recently I wrote him a letter telling him how much I loved him and wanted us to have a close father-son relationship. It has been days since I wrote it and he has yet to respond. Whether he responds to me at all about it in time, I know in my heart that I gave it a shot. I don't have to wonder "what if" I tried, how it could have been.
Though I know it may be difficult, I would say to go ahead and try. I don't see any reason you would regret it. Take care now.
Peace & Love
-Dustin
"So if you're careful
You won't get hurt
But if your careful all the time
then what's it worth"
-Cosy Prisons by A-ha
You won't get hurt
But if your careful all the time
then what's it worth"
-Cosy Prisons by A-ha
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kittylover
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2009 10:52 am
Hi Suzzie,
Well, you've gotten great advice from Mary Jane and Dustin. I would have to agree with them that you should reach out to your mom to the best of your ability. If she still either cannot or will not have a loving relationship with you, you will have the solace of knowing you tried.
Best wishes for success,
kittylover
Well, you've gotten great advice from Mary Jane and Dustin. I would have to agree with them that you should reach out to your mom to the best of your ability. If she still either cannot or will not have a loving relationship with you, you will have the solace of knowing you tried.
Best wishes for success,
kittylover
A big hello to all of you who answered my letter for help (cornflower, Dustin, and kittylover)
I agree with all of you and I have gone to my mom for years, countless times to make amends. It would work sometimes for a brief moment, other times I would send cards, gifts, only to have them sent back unopened. I believe as long as my sister has control of my mom, it won't change. One time my husband asked me why I was trying to buy my moms love. I got so angry when he said that and asked him why he would even think that. He told me it hurt him to watch me almost beg her by buying her things, treating her every time I saw her (trips, meals, movies, clothes, and gifts). He said he never saw that she appreciated any of it. One time a few years ago her and my sister asked if I wanted to go walking with them (7-8 years ago). I said sure, I was so excited, until we stopped to get a bite to eat. My mom came right out and told me she only had enough money for her and my sister. My sister told her she was wrong, that there was enough to treat me also. Mom didn't say anything. I just said , don't worry about it, I have my own money. When I got home, I cried like a baby. My husband got mad and asked why I kept trying, he said all I was doing was losing self esteem every time I tried. So yes, I have gone the distance to no avail. I guess its just really hard to accept not having my mom in my life. Suzzie
I agree with all of you and I have gone to my mom for years, countless times to make amends. It would work sometimes for a brief moment, other times I would send cards, gifts, only to have them sent back unopened. I believe as long as my sister has control of my mom, it won't change. One time my husband asked me why I was trying to buy my moms love. I got so angry when he said that and asked him why he would even think that. He told me it hurt him to watch me almost beg her by buying her things, treating her every time I saw her (trips, meals, movies, clothes, and gifts). He said he never saw that she appreciated any of it. One time a few years ago her and my sister asked if I wanted to go walking with them (7-8 years ago). I said sure, I was so excited, until we stopped to get a bite to eat. My mom came right out and told me she only had enough money for her and my sister. My sister told her she was wrong, that there was enough to treat me also. Mom didn't say anything. I just said , don't worry about it, I have my own money. When I got home, I cried like a baby. My husband got mad and asked why I kept trying, he said all I was doing was losing self esteem every time I tried. So yes, I have gone the distance to no avail. I guess its just really hard to accept not having my mom in my life. Suzzie
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Guest
Well, then,
the next step is acceptance of your situation.
If you have tried and tried and been unaccepted,
then give up.
Stop trying.
Accept.
Acceptance brings peace.
Life isn't always fair.
Be thankful that you have a husband that loves you.
Many, many people don't even have that.
I am sure the situation hurts.
But if nothing helps it, then give up!
May you be blessed!
MJ
the next step is acceptance of your situation.
If you have tried and tried and been unaccepted,
then give up.
Stop trying.
Accept.
Acceptance brings peace.
Life isn't always fair.
Be thankful that you have a husband that loves you.
Many, many people don't even have that.
I am sure the situation hurts.
But if nothing helps it, then give up!
May you be blessed!
MJ
I ditto CornFlower! I think you should go to your mother and tell her you love her. Just as MaryJane said. When you have done this,then put it in God's hands and know that you have done the right thing and have done all you can do. Don't second guess everything (like I have in the past) We cant change anyone else! I know that is difficult to accept, but I have a step daughter that is a drunk (and maybe dope too) her hubby is a drunk ,they have 2 children that are being affected, but I sit by feeling so helpless. I just want to charge in and FORCE them to quit their bad ways, but guess what....I CAN'T CHANGE THEM! They must want to change on their own.
I assume you are on this forum because of anxiety, so Let me urge you to work on YOU. You will have much more self-esteem and confidence once you go through the program. I also dito CornFlower about your husband, yes you are Blessed in that manner.
Take care,
Rod
I assume you are on this forum because of anxiety, so Let me urge you to work on YOU. You will have much more self-esteem and confidence once you go through the program. I also dito CornFlower about your husband, yes you are Blessed in that manner.
Take care,
Rod
OK, I posted before I saw your second posting, so please rest in assurance that you have done everything that you possibly can do and put it in God's Hands, actually tell God that you put her and this situation in His hands. I have often told that to God about my wifes drunken daughter(hubby drunk too) I cant change them, so I give them to God and say, here Lord, YOU work on them, I have done my part.
Please rest assured that you are not held accountable at all because you have absoultly done ALL that you could have done!
In His Love,
Rod
Please rest assured that you are not held accountable at all because you have absoultly done ALL that you could have done!
In His Love,
Rod
Suzzie, I can relate very well. Without adding my story, let me share with you what I did just today that really helps for me. I got in my journal and wrote out every hurtful, negative thought that I was having (very hurtful situation today) and replaced it with a truthful, positive replacement. It calmed me and help put things in place.
I feel that you've given it all you've got, so, what's left???? You get to work on you!! You are so worthy of doing so, pinkee
I feel that you've given it all you've got, so, what's left???? You get to work on you!! You are so worthy of doing so, pinkee
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Guest