Getting back to LIVING

Faith_TX · Post by **Faith_TX** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 7:28 am

I've been on Facebook quite a bit lately, looking up old friends and I can see their connections and pictures of vacations and parties. And when I look at my own life, I feel like I've been on "pause" for about the past 5 years. As I mentioned in a previous post, I spend so much time and energy thinking about myself, my moods, my thoughts. . . I feel like. . .what a waste of time. And I also look around myself and realize that I really have lost track of a lot of friends. And, I think a big part of it is probably that I've "worn them out" with all the problems (real or imagined) that I've gone on and on about in the past few years.

I also struggle with the reality that my husband doesn't always want to do things. I'll try to build up a friendship with new friends and get invited to do something, and he'll quite often decide not to go. So, it's hard to make friends when you're flaking out.

Anyway, I'm just wishing I could let loose of being inside my head, and just LIVE again. I know that we all have problems, but focusing on them all the time is quite boring for those around me, I'm sure. And, it has become pretty boring for me too!

I want to have pictures of myself surrounded by friends being goofy and having fun too! I want stories to share with friends and memories for my kids to relive.

I guess the thing is. . .I feel so far removed from life sometimes. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm in my own little world. And, I want to be in the "real" world!!

I recorded Oprah, the one on OCD, and watched it last night. I identified in some ways with the people on there, although I don't have the exact same issues they have. These people were so caught up in their own problems and thoughts that they lost relationships and jobs. It's so sad.

I guess I'm just looking for some ideas of how we can break out of that. I have thought about going back to counseling again with someone new. But I'm wondering if that would just make me more self-absorbed than I am now again. I've spent about the last 15 years or so in and out of counseling, especially the past 5, and I notice that when I go to my therapist now, he's telling me the same old stuff. It's like I'm too thick headed to believe it and put it into practice.

I just want to learn to live in the moment. Whenever I feel myself doing that, I get a little freaked out, like I'm afraid if I don't watch myself closely enough, I'll go off the deep end or something.

For example, a few weeks ago I got caught up in the excitement of this particular breed of cat. Before I knew it, we were driving 3 hours to another state to adopt one. And I already have 3 cats! I love this cat though. LOL. But, for days after that, I was beating myself up for wasting the money on it and the time to drive and stirring up the other cats by bringing another one home.

So . . .I bounced back into watching myself again, so I wouldn't do something "weird" again.

Do any of you have thoughts on this? I guess the root of it is that I feel like letting the "real me" out, I'll be a little bit off, do things a little quirky and unusual. I have sort of unusual hobbies and interests, and I spend a lot of time trying to fit in with "normal" people. Then, when I'm around a lot of people, I feel like I have to watch what I'm saying and worry about saying something weird.

However, those that have known me for years say that I'm wacky but they love me just the way I am.

I know I'm rambling, but just wondering what y'all's thoughts are.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 8:09 am

i can totally relate to what you have said i think alot of us have the same type of personalities im kinda off beat and what not and i wish i could just be the old me again and just let loose i still have some hangups but whith the program and not giving up i think were on the right path i can look back and see progress hang in there god bless

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 8:24 am

I can see progress too. And, when I look back to when I was totally care-free it was before I had kids and I think we were just partying all the time. I don't really want to be like that either. There has to be a happy medium in there somewhere.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 8:27 am

Yes, I know just what you mean. Sounds to me that you are just soooo close to having the life that you want, but, fear is holding you captive. Feel the fear and do it anyway. That's my motto for life these days. pinkee

♥Leigh0615♥ · Post by **♥Leigh0615♥** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 8:51 am

That is a good point. My fear these days surrounds if I'm mentally "normal" and being that I've always heard people that think they're crazy are never crazy, I'm afraid to just accept that I'm not and believe it, for fear then I'll REALLY go off the deep end.

Isn't that hysterical?

I do feel really close. I have come leaps and bounds from a year ago.

I have a friend that recently told me to stop improving myself and just start LIVING my LIFE. I'm sure she's right I just have figure out how to do that.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 9:26 am

Some of the things that I tell myself:

I am my safe person
I am my safe place
Feel the fear and do it anyway

What I remind myself:

We have stowed up energy in us from not acting. That energy is anxiety. Use it up. Get moving. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Hugs, pinkee

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 9:28 am

I bought the program last August, got to session 5 or 6 twice and stopped. I started the program in October and I am committed to seeing in through this time. Where are you in the program? pinkee

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 10:39 am

I can relate to your sense of being on pause. I think the social networking phenomenon has us all competing to show everyone else how incredibly surrounded by "friends" we all are. "Friends" appear to be the new status symbol. I recall an old expression I learned as a child: "One old friend is better than two new ones." I see the truth in this more than ever and am grateful for my one true friend I have now, who has been my friend for about 40 years, and recently moved across the country with his wife, and lives just a few blocks away from me.

I look at all the pictures that look a lot like beer commercials and wonder if the folks are having that much fun, and if I would be if I were there. I think I need to define what it is that I, personally, find fun and do more of that, rather than compare with others. Maybe my problems come from trying to tell how good my life is by thinking what would others think of it.

Anyway, your story is very engaging and I share your sense of life being in a current state of some kind of "analysis paralysis," but I guess there is something wrong, or not as good as it could be, or we wouldn't be on the program.

I know I need to reengage. My problems relate to divorce, recent job loss, aging and an overall sense of loss in a world that is rapidly changing, and one in which I wonder if I have value to offer to employers and a future life parter. Self-esteem is essential is my way forward, as I have been encountering depression and some aversity to going out.

I wish you every success.

Jlbjea · Post by **Jlbjea** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 11:05 am

This could have been my post. Feeling like my life was on pause is what got me into counseling and going through this program. Anxiety is a very selfish thing. It keeps us from doing the stuff we want to do, having relationships we want to have, etc. I can also relate to your wanting to establish new friendships. My husband works so many hours that the last thing he wants to do is hang with new friends. He seems to think it is okay to be that way, but I think "what about me?". I try to volunteer at my son's school with the hopes of connecting with other moms, but I worry about what they will think of me - see that selfish anxiety kicking in again.

Just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not a alone.

LisaLisa

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Dec 12, 2008 2:53 am

Originally posted by pinkeetoz:
Where are you in the program? pinkee

I finished it a while back, but still come here to visit you guys.

Sometimes I think I should start it over but in general I have learned a lot, I just need to take what I have learned and get on with my life. It's like that jump into a pool though. It will be fine it's just the jump that seems hard sometimes.