Everyone that knows my story knows that I am having issues with my youngest(of the first four) and My husband. This has been an issues for over three years now. Last summer I sent him to be with his bio-father because the tention was so thick in our home that I was feeling sick, anxious and on the edge everyday. I "thought" that sending him back to AZ with his father would be the "cure all". He and his father are very close. Well, to make a lonnnng story short, My ex decided to have him move back up here, but NOT to live with me. He moved in with his 20 yr. old brother. Against my wishes of course, but for the most part, it worked and things seemed to work out alright after I gave it all to God and let him work it out. The reason my ex felt that it would be better for my son to live with his brothers is because My NOW husband and my son do NOT get along... Well....fast forward to just two weeks ago. My son is now in drivers ed..He has been staying with us for the last two weeks. I was so delighted and beyone happy that for the first time in over two years, my hubby and my son had "seemed" to be getting along. Secretly I had been hoping that he will move back in with us and rekindle any friendship he had with my husband... UNTIL TONIGHT. I didn't really see any tention brewing up between them, however I DID notice in the last two days that my son seemed a little short or "sensitive". I blew it off as being a "teenager",(he's 17) As my hubby and I were outside on the porch, playing with the twins, My son came outside and asked me to take him somewhere. I did get a little aggrivated as it is getting late and said, " I thought you had a ride, I dont' want to take you know, you'll just have to wait until tomorrow"..he huffed, slammed the door, which we heard pictures fall off the wall, he slammed the chair down that he had to walk beside and proceeded to slam the door and punch the wall.. I WAS STUNNED...my husband stood up and immediately began yelling at him, walked into the room using some pretty extreme vulgarities and I had to rush in to prevent anything from escalating. Okay, now my adrenaline is up, I'm extremely angry and I also started screaming and using words that I AM NOT happy about!!! oh God forgive me for my anger.... I felt bad for my son, as I have felt for months that he "feels lost"..he doesn't live with me, he lives with his brother( now another brother, but for the sake of this post, I'll keep it simple) When my husband decided to leave the room, my son broke and finally opened up about his "true" feelings. He feels unexcepted by my husband and he feels that he doesn't have a "real home". I DO NOT BLAME HIM! He cried so deeply and for the first time in over two years, I saw the "child" in him heartbroke. I am crushed and I feel terribly sad for my son. I'm crying and I feel HORRIBLE! I "thought" it was a good idea for them to talk it over. They are NOW on the back porch. I can see my son is wanting to hear "I love YOU" but my husband is appearing to be condesending and arrogant. He's 47, my son is 17, it appears to me right at this moment that my son is acting like the bigger person. When is this going to end? I realize NOW that this is the biggest reason that anxiety and depression came back after all these years. When I look back on it, it all started just before I sent my son back to his dad. I feel like I'm being pulled in EVERY direction. Please pray for this situation, because it is REALLY causing me to pull away from my husband. I just had twins two years ago and I do NOT want to put more children through divorce. I dont' know how much I can take before I close myself off to him completely. I am resentful and I feel that my husband NEVER really have my son a chance. I KNOW that he deserves respect, but I also believe that when you give respect, you get it in return. My husband is wonderful to me and "HIS" babies, but it isn't a secret that he has definately treated my older children differently. I am NOW convinced that perhaps he NEVER really loved my older ones, just excepted them as "part of the package" when he married me. I don't know how much more I can take of this. ALL of my children are my LIFE!! I WILL not allow a man to humiliate them or make them feel inferior..This is how I see it at this very moment. Thank you for letting me vent..please pray for this situation, God is the ONLY one that can fix this one.
Robin
I lost it!
"O God, you are my God. Earnestly I seek you;my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is BETTER than life,my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name, I will lift up my hands." Psalms 63
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Dear Robin:
Oh my dear! You are in a hard spot.
I really do feel for you. Your 17 year old deserves a home.
I saw this kind of situation in my sons home several years ago. He had two children and
married a second time. The new wife was apparently jealous of the two children. The children were treated very badly. But my son believed his new wife. He didn't stand up for the children. A very sad situation. Now my son doesn't understand why his older chldren are cool to him. They live a long way from him, being grown up now and in their 30's.
I was helpless to help the situation at all when they were teenagers. My heart bled for them. My son had a child with the new wife.
He treated that child preferentially.
I know this is so hard. I wish I had a solution for you. I certainly shall pray for you and for your son. But its your husband who needs prayer. So that his heart will soften with understanding. I must pray for him.
No wonder you have anxiety. life throws us some difficult curves for sure.
Hang on.
God bless!
Mary Jane
Oh my dear! You are in a hard spot.
I really do feel for you. Your 17 year old deserves a home.
I saw this kind of situation in my sons home several years ago. He had two children and
married a second time. The new wife was apparently jealous of the two children. The children were treated very badly. But my son believed his new wife. He didn't stand up for the children. A very sad situation. Now my son doesn't understand why his older chldren are cool to him. They live a long way from him, being grown up now and in their 30's.
I was helpless to help the situation at all when they were teenagers. My heart bled for them. My son had a child with the new wife.
He treated that child preferentially.
I know this is so hard. I wish I had a solution for you. I certainly shall pray for you and for your son. But its your husband who needs prayer. So that his heart will soften with understanding. I must pray for him.
No wonder you have anxiety. life throws us some difficult curves for sure.
Hang on.
God bless!
Mary Jane
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Robin
I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. I can't begin to know how you feel in this situation.
I know it has to be extremely hard. I will be praying for you, and your family. I will pray that your husbands heart will soften towards your son. I also will pray you will still feel close to him and not withdrawal, for this won't make matters better, but I do certainly understand you feeling this way. I will pray God will give you the words in love and compassion, that you might be able to tell your husband, how very badly your son needs his acceptance and love. When it doesn't seem possible, when it doesnt seem there is any hope for repair, God can do it all. There is nothing beyond his power. Just keep praying that God will give you the right mind and heart about it all and that he will do the same for your husband and son. He can heal any situation.
Let Go and Let God
As children bring their toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken
dreams to God,
because He was my Friend,
But then, instead of leaving,
Him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child, He said, "what could I do? You
never did let go."
Just a little poem I read not too long ago that
really touched me.
Robin I will be praying for you.
Love
Your Friend
Angla
I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. I can't begin to know how you feel in this situation.
I know it has to be extremely hard. I will be praying for you, and your family. I will pray that your husbands heart will soften towards your son. I also will pray you will still feel close to him and not withdrawal, for this won't make matters better, but I do certainly understand you feeling this way. I will pray God will give you the words in love and compassion, that you might be able to tell your husband, how very badly your son needs his acceptance and love. When it doesn't seem possible, when it doesnt seem there is any hope for repair, God can do it all. There is nothing beyond his power. Just keep praying that God will give you the right mind and heart about it all and that he will do the same for your husband and son. He can heal any situation.
Let Go and Let God
As children bring their toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken
dreams to God,
because He was my Friend,
But then, instead of leaving,
Him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child, He said, "what could I do? You
never did let go."
Just a little poem I read not too long ago that
really touched me.
Robin I will be praying for you.
Love
Your Friend
Angla
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Guest
Robin,
Your story really touched me tonight. I have 2 little girls (3 1/2 and 2) and I TOTALLY understand them being your life. My kids are my everything (apart from God) and I would do ANYTHING (apart from God) for them. I don't really have any words of incouragement since I have never personally gone through a divorce or dealt with teenagers for that matter. But I do want you to know that you have touched me in a very special way. I will keep you and your entire family in my prayers. Remember it's ok to get angry....it's a natural human emotion. And when you lose it it's ok too...don't beat yourself up over it. Take some time out and come back to the situation tomorrow. I know that seems impossable as this is your LIFE but try to take a break mentally for a bit. Listen to your relaxation CD. Sorry I can't be of more help...but I guess in reality the biggest help of all is that of prayer!
May God be with you and your family!!
Your story really touched me tonight. I have 2 little girls (3 1/2 and 2) and I TOTALLY understand them being your life. My kids are my everything (apart from God) and I would do ANYTHING (apart from God) for them. I don't really have any words of incouragement since I have never personally gone through a divorce or dealt with teenagers for that matter. But I do want you to know that you have touched me in a very special way. I will keep you and your entire family in my prayers. Remember it's ok to get angry....it's a natural human emotion. And when you lose it it's ok too...don't beat yourself up over it. Take some time out and come back to the situation tomorrow. I know that seems impossable as this is your LIFE but try to take a break mentally for a bit. Listen to your relaxation CD. Sorry I can't be of more help...but I guess in reality the biggest help of all is that of prayer!
May God be with you and your family!! -
Guest
Cornflower, thank you ever so much for your reply...YES, I pray that God will soften my husbands heart. I do realize that teenagers tend to have attitudes, etc. But, he is really a GOOD kid. He has never really dealt with "my" divorce, he was only five. Two years later he was being introduced to his step father who is a total opposite of his bio-father. The older three children have excepted their step father however, there were issues when they were younger too. My husband was raised in a very unloving home. His mother is loving, but his father IS NOT! I love you was NEVER mentioned by is father and he NEVER told my husband that he was proud of him. He humiliated him and made him feel "small". I knew all of this before marrying him, but it didn't become apparent that he had the same "attitude" until the boys became teenagers..and Gosh that hurts! All my children want from him is exceptance, guidance and love. I LOVE my husband, but I CANNOT allow him to treat the children that way. I come from a VERY loving home(with issues) but regardless, my parents showed love. Godly love. My husband was surrounded by negativity most of his life. Now, WE have two small children of our own..WHAT IF HE IS THE SAME WAY when they become teenagers???? That frightens me. Thanks for taking the time to write back, and for the prayers Mary Jane, I DO appreciate it!
God bless you too!
Robin
God bless you too!
Robin
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Guest
Angla & Mindi, thank you for your replies, I really needed all the moral support I found here tonight! This has been brewing for years, and so has the anymosity that I've been holding toward my husband. When my anxiety reared it's ugly head..almost two years ago, it was right at the worst of times between my husband and son. I know that some of it may have stemmed with just having twins, but seriously, I KNOW NOW that the major reason was because I couldn't stand feeling like I was torn between the two of them. I SHOULD not have to feel this way! It's WRONG! AS my anxiety worsens, I can tell that I am just not as happy as I use to be, with my husband..I love him, but theres been so much chaos over the years. I'm NOT saying that I am giving up, I just saying that I have nothing left to give, therefore I am giving it up TO GOD! he is the ULTIMATE HEALER..HE IS STILL IN THE MIRACLE BUSINESS!!!! I ask that you pray for my marriage and my family. again, thank you for your kind words, and Agela, that poem hit home..thank you for sharing it, it is sooooo true! thanks for the reminder 
God bless and keep you both in his peaceful presence
Robin
God bless and keep you both in his peaceful presence
Robin
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Guest
Mom of 6,
You are all in my prayers and I really believe things will work out and this will pass. I say that because I see how much you care and believe you are willing to be the glue that holds it all together.
We all have our down times and tryng moments. For me, my husband has bonded with my son who is 8 but not so with my 19 yearold daughter. She lived with us when we first married and did a stupid thing one night. My husband caught her and called her on it. She lied, he talked harsh and straight to her, she ran away. Her dad and them finally my folks took her in though they knew what she'd done. She played dirty saying "a strange man was living in her house (my husband) and trying to tell her what she could and couldn't do." I was devastated and even went inpatient for not being about to quit crying. It was the end of the world and I couldnt't make sense of anything. In the end we put it behind us. She's not close to my husband and I HATE when she does something and he calls it like it is. But he's usually right. I just gave it up and turned it over to God. The guilt was too much for me.
That all said- I have liberal visitation with my son. I gave his dad custody in the divorce because I thought it was the right thing to do. I get liberal visitation and sometimes secretly wish he'd come here. I feel like he feels different because he has two homes. And I believe he's much happier here. We've set ground rules though. We don't roll eyes, get upset or refuse to answer when talked to in our house. We don't stay mad- we talk it out no matter what. Church on Sunday is not optional nor is not doing your chores. We've gained some respect by learning to say we are sorry for he times we "lose it and go off." Talking is key.
I wish you could spend a few hours with your son- just you and him. If you can talk to him- the rage playing out in slamming and hitting walls HAS to be unacceptable. We just can't let our kids deal with stress that way and take that into adulthood.
You have to let your husband calm down then have a heart to heart. Make a list and hit each point. Let him know you love him but need his help with your children,especially this son. Try to address each issue and come up with one way of handling each situation together. I suspect your husband is not a bad man, just had a not-so-perfect childhood and family. Ask him to help you change those things that were bad for him in your family now. For instance, I never heard I love you from my family. The first was from a boy when I was 18. Guess where that led? Vow to have him tell you and each child he loves them at least once a week and work up to once a day. It's uncomfortable at first, but becomes second nature. Try to have the family sit down together for dinner once a day with no tv or cell phones. Talk, talk, talk. It would be great to attend church as a family if possible.
Your son may run to his dad's or brother's when he doesn't ge his way. Keep reaching out and he'll learn to trust you. You can get through to him. We will grow up and come around. Just don't expect everything to be perfect today. Time heals all wounds.
Don't beat yourself up for losing it. We all do it from time to time. You are just human. My ex got upset, which is nothing new, and I failed to handle it properly the other night. I lost it when he threatened to cut back my visitation with my son. Don't even say you're gonna mess with my kids, you know? I was hideous. It was back like we were married again. That was the way we comunicated. I praised myself for the months I've gone without losing my cool when he did. One slip isn't the end of the world. ButI made it right by apologizing to my son for yelling at his dad in front of him, and I didn't sleep until his dad had time to cool off and talk it out calmly. Funny, he came around to my way of thinking for once.
It will take a lot of effort on your part and only tackle one thing at a time. Everybody cut each other some slack for being human and figure out how to move on from here. God will not let you down. This could be His way of bringing you all closer in the end. Sometimes the road isn't easy but we get where we need to be in the end. Take care and hang in there!!!!!!!!
You are all in my prayers and I really believe things will work out and this will pass. I say that because I see how much you care and believe you are willing to be the glue that holds it all together.
We all have our down times and tryng moments. For me, my husband has bonded with my son who is 8 but not so with my 19 yearold daughter. She lived with us when we first married and did a stupid thing one night. My husband caught her and called her on it. She lied, he talked harsh and straight to her, she ran away. Her dad and them finally my folks took her in though they knew what she'd done. She played dirty saying "a strange man was living in her house (my husband) and trying to tell her what she could and couldn't do." I was devastated and even went inpatient for not being about to quit crying. It was the end of the world and I couldnt't make sense of anything. In the end we put it behind us. She's not close to my husband and I HATE when she does something and he calls it like it is. But he's usually right. I just gave it up and turned it over to God. The guilt was too much for me.
That all said- I have liberal visitation with my son. I gave his dad custody in the divorce because I thought it was the right thing to do. I get liberal visitation and sometimes secretly wish he'd come here. I feel like he feels different because he has two homes. And I believe he's much happier here. We've set ground rules though. We don't roll eyes, get upset or refuse to answer when talked to in our house. We don't stay mad- we talk it out no matter what. Church on Sunday is not optional nor is not doing your chores. We've gained some respect by learning to say we are sorry for he times we "lose it and go off." Talking is key.
I wish you could spend a few hours with your son- just you and him. If you can talk to him- the rage playing out in slamming and hitting walls HAS to be unacceptable. We just can't let our kids deal with stress that way and take that into adulthood.
You have to let your husband calm down then have a heart to heart. Make a list and hit each point. Let him know you love him but need his help with your children,especially this son. Try to address each issue and come up with one way of handling each situation together. I suspect your husband is not a bad man, just had a not-so-perfect childhood and family. Ask him to help you change those things that were bad for him in your family now. For instance, I never heard I love you from my family. The first was from a boy when I was 18. Guess where that led? Vow to have him tell you and each child he loves them at least once a week and work up to once a day. It's uncomfortable at first, but becomes second nature. Try to have the family sit down together for dinner once a day with no tv or cell phones. Talk, talk, talk. It would be great to attend church as a family if possible.
Your son may run to his dad's or brother's when he doesn't ge his way. Keep reaching out and he'll learn to trust you. You can get through to him. We will grow up and come around. Just don't expect everything to be perfect today. Time heals all wounds.
Don't beat yourself up for losing it. We all do it from time to time. You are just human. My ex got upset, which is nothing new, and I failed to handle it properly the other night. I lost it when he threatened to cut back my visitation with my son. Don't even say you're gonna mess with my kids, you know? I was hideous. It was back like we were married again. That was the way we comunicated. I praised myself for the months I've gone without losing my cool when he did. One slip isn't the end of the world. ButI made it right by apologizing to my son for yelling at his dad in front of him, and I didn't sleep until his dad had time to cool off and talk it out calmly. Funny, he came around to my way of thinking for once.
It will take a lot of effort on your part and only tackle one thing at a time. Everybody cut each other some slack for being human and figure out how to move on from here. God will not let you down. This could be His way of bringing you all closer in the end. Sometimes the road isn't easy but we get where we need to be in the end. Take care and hang in there!!!!!!!!
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Guest
ahhh Bev, thank you so much! Although the situation stinks, I am so relieved to know that someone else out there understands my situation. I'm sad to hear that things haven't gone so easy for you too..BUT, I DO KNOW that God is in control of the situation. First of all, I'm NOT upset that I feel angry, as anger isn't a sin, it's a natural response, however, its what you do when your angry, such as my case last night..My language was HORRIBLE!!! I was screaming like a "mad woman"..I feel like I just lost it lastnight. However, today is a NEW day. Now, as I was writing my original post, both my husband and son were talking..they were in the middle of their dispute. After their long talk they DID hug and say "I love you's"..this is something that HASNT been done in a couple of years..I HAVE to believe that this is the turning point. My son admitted to my husband that he didn't feel "excepted" and felt "unloved" by him. I could see the look on my husbands face..he teared up. I KNOW his mind went back to his childhood as he would do anything to make his father except him. My son also told him that he wants a "father". Someone he can talk to, pal around with, etc. I CRIED when I heard him say that. I KNOW this really hit my husband HARD! Perhaps, the whole things was orchestrated by GOD(excluding the language) maybe this is the beginning of healing and restoration? I WANT to believe that! We've tried many times to work things out, but just to go back to the same old thing time after time. I want to be hopeful, but my negative thinking says, "it won't last forever". I want my son to move back in with me. He may be 17, but he's still a child. This is his LAST year in high school, he NEEDS his parents. He needs structure and a HOME!!! Not to be bounced around. I KNOW he's hurting, and that is KILLING ME INSIDE! He may be 6'2" but when I see his eyes fill up with tears, I see the young person he really IS! This has taken such a toll on me...I feel helpless. I DO NOT want to "feel" like I have to chose sides..however, that isnt the way my son sees it. I chose to send him back to his dad,,perhaps I shouldn't have?? maybe he feels that I gave up on him? I just wanted peace in the home. I didnt' want the "twins" to see all of this garbage! anyways..this is a NEW Day.."This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it"..Thankyou Abba Father for your grace and mercy, thank you for my family and the choice to change, the courage to change. Put a hedge of protection around my home and within our hearts. Glory be your name forever and ever.
God bless all of you and thank you for your comforting words..you all mean so much to me.
Love, A sister in Christ
Robin
God bless all of you and thank you for your comforting words..you all mean so much to me.
Love, A sister in Christ
Robin
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Free to beg, yes, I've considered family counselling, but my husband and son both refuse too. For some reason, they believe counselling is a "weak" thing, lol go figure..(perhaps that have an issue with "what if people think were crazy"..) Just making light of the situation..laughter is good medicine, right? 
anyways, I wish they would go along with it, but for right now I'll continue praying for that.
My husband and I have talked about it, until we're blue in the face and unfortunatly it always turns into an agruement. He says that I am "always on the defensive" about my son. He is very stubborn and doesn't like to hear that this is partly his fault too. I end of just saying "ahhh forget it, you never listen to what I'm saying anyways" and we drop it. With deeper wounds, I hold everything in. I don't know where this will take us, but I will do everything within my control and let God do the rest. I'll keep believing and trusting God..really that's ALL I can do.
thank you for your kind words..It's appreciated!
God bless you
Robin
anyways, I wish they would go along with it, but for right now I'll continue praying for that.My husband and I have talked about it, until we're blue in the face and unfortunatly it always turns into an agruement. He says that I am "always on the defensive" about my son. He is very stubborn and doesn't like to hear that this is partly his fault too. I end of just saying "ahhh forget it, you never listen to what I'm saying anyways" and we drop it. With deeper wounds, I hold everything in. I don't know where this will take us, but I will do everything within my control and let God do the rest. I'll keep believing and trusting God..really that's ALL I can do.
thank you for your kind words..It's appreciated!
God bless you
Robin