Shame on me or not shame on me?
As I get deeper into the program I'm finding a multitude of things which I've neglected to do and just let slip over the years. Now I'm waking up to all this and it's a bit overwhelming. The anxiety and depression has kept me in this sort of sleep mode for a few years, now I'm struggling to get finances and many other things in order and caught up. I feel really bad about how I've just let my life go to crap because of this anxiety and depression. It's getting better but I'm really sad about not catching this earlier and the mess I've made and the things I've avoided doing with my life. I even switched my entire college major just to avoid having to take an expository speech class for an elective! I was too scared to stand up in front of anyone and talk so I changed my major and now 20+ years later after starting this program I'm thinking I might actually be able to do it. This is just one of numerous avoidance decisions I made because of fear and anxiety. I'm like in a state of shock.
There is no shame sweetie, honest (cross my heart honest). KNOWING IS 1/2 THE BATTLE. You see, once we are "aware" we can then set out to BE THE CHANGE = TO CREATE THE CHANGE WE WANT TO SEE IN OURSELVES + OUR LIVES + OUR HOPES/DREAMS + OUR RELATIONSHIPS, ETC - all @ 1 day @ a time = 1 action @ a time = 1 decision @ a time. Who cares, I say about "lost time" - what we have is RIGHT HERE & RIGHT NOW. Right now we know the LIES BOTH ANXIETY DISORDER & DEPRESSION told us are just that = BS = LIES. So, now we are truly blessed w/ the unique opportunity to say <span class="ev_code_RED">"wow, those lies aren't true? The lies they BOTH tried to tell be about all things about me/my life/my self worth/my existence/my abilities & capabilities/my relationships are all lies? I am wonderful + loved + loving - 1 am 1 wonderfully wrapped pkg of greatness/potential all wrapped up in a nice/neat/cute little pkg?" + " I don't have to think/act/react those ways = THAT ISN'T ME & THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ME? I HAVE A SAY?"</span>
Don't feel any shame, because it is all happening when it was supposed to - because now you are ready = NOW IS YOUR TIME. You were made AWARE & it is that AWARENESS that is truly a gift fr God. Sure, when I was initially going thru the beginning stages of my journey & recovery - I too was overwhelmed @ some of the same things you mentioned - particularly @ lost time. However, I was (as I truly felt & still do) that I was being given a 2nd chance @ life = I was being given a chance to un-burden myself w/ things I had been carrying unnecessarily for yrsssssssss - I was being given what I sought for so long that it seemed UNATTAINABLE = MY EMOTIONAL INDEPENDANCE. The more I changed, THE BETTER I FELT - so out went any guilt/shame/blame - I focused are growing + changing + evolving - cause every single step I took along the way - I felt better - not just in terms of my RECOVERY - but better than I ever had in my sincerest ENTIRE LIFE. I gained INNER PEACE.
So, you go & you take that EXPOSITORY SPEECH CLASS - will you be alittle nervous? Maybe - but you will not only do it - cause you worked damn hard for it - but you will kick butt - IT'S YOUR DREAM & YOU CAN DO IT - for you. Be patient w/ yourself - change isn't always easy. Alittle @ time - go for what your soul/spirit is calling for - all that nurtures your spirit - this is YOUR LIFE - you are entitled to all that & more.
LENORE
Don't feel any shame, because it is all happening when it was supposed to - because now you are ready = NOW IS YOUR TIME. You were made AWARE & it is that AWARENESS that is truly a gift fr God. Sure, when I was initially going thru the beginning stages of my journey & recovery - I too was overwhelmed @ some of the same things you mentioned - particularly @ lost time. However, I was (as I truly felt & still do) that I was being given a 2nd chance @ life = I was being given a chance to un-burden myself w/ things I had been carrying unnecessarily for yrsssssssss - I was being given what I sought for so long that it seemed UNATTAINABLE = MY EMOTIONAL INDEPENDANCE. The more I changed, THE BETTER I FELT - so out went any guilt/shame/blame - I focused are growing + changing + evolving - cause every single step I took along the way - I felt better - not just in terms of my RECOVERY - but better than I ever had in my sincerest ENTIRE LIFE. I gained INNER PEACE.
So, you go & you take that EXPOSITORY SPEECH CLASS - will you be alittle nervous? Maybe - but you will not only do it - cause you worked damn hard for it - but you will kick butt - IT'S YOUR DREAM & YOU CAN DO IT - for you. Be patient w/ yourself - change isn't always easy. Alittle @ time - go for what your soul/spirit is calling for - all that nurtures your spirit - this is YOUR LIFE - you are entitled to all that & more.
LENORE
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