Hello everyone,
I feel like I am always here with my marriage problems. Well I hope someone can help. My husband are in the process of buying our first home together. In fact we found a house that we liked all was well but then I kept on having this unsure feeling. I approached my husband about it and he related that he's tired talk to hime when he's more alert. I was blew uo more alert we are making the biggest decision of our life and you need time to be more alert than listen to my concerns. We got into an argument of which I did all the talking and husband just sat there and stared into space. He has a child from a previous marriage who is old enough to understand marriage. I just realized has not even told his son he got married. We had an appt to get our house forms in order I cancelled it. I take all the respnsibility for our bills and up keeping the home and I work full-time. He just gives me his half of the bills and thats it. We share nothing. I told him I am sick of living like were room-mates he says nothing. I think I want a separation. I need to clear my head. This not working, it's like living on your own, in fact I was happier before I got married. He said he would buy me a car that has not happened. I even voluteered to pay for the car he just has to research it for me, as I know nothing about cars, he has nothing to that sort. He just purchased a very nice car that needs to be maintained to be in good condition he takes terrible care of it, I even voluteered to pay for the car maintaince he has done nothing. I feel like he doesn't care about anything.
Marriage
-
Guest
Hi Future,
WOW, this sounds SO familiar! its unreal! truly remarkable! I am in the exact same situation- below I posted my story:
everyone,
I am feeling extremely desperate for answers, help, advice, encouragement, discouragement, anything!
I have to decide this week whether to stay in this relationship, keep going with things and buy a house we were planning on last fall, (we have an agreement in place and are living there right now so we either have to buy or move) our mortgage payment will be the same as rent- we couldnt rent what we have for that! -------or I make a jump and move on for once and for all- however, my fears are realistic- I have no family in the area and will live alone only have my horses and job and be financially strapped and stressed.. and ALONE! (we all know how horrible this disorder is alone) I have some abandonment issues from my past too- but dont get me wrong I enjoy life living alone- I basically live alone now the amount he works-
btw: I am a negative thinker! I know it! this is a problem for us too-
background: I have been in a relationship for going on 4 years and we have had our ups and downs. We are both young professionals and were together as we both completed school, we had a brief separation but got back together. We have come a long way together! Our main issues are: communication, I dont ask well and he doesnt communicate at all- we are working on this, the biggest issue- we are to similar I think sometimes, we are BEST friends and confidents but there isnt much physical attraction, we dont 'bring' out any different areas of each other, its the same thing, we both work way to hard and he ALWAYS puts everything ahead of me- work, work, his dog, his truck, etc. do I need to embrace the comfort of our relationship? I tend to change a lot, move a lot, comes from my childhood- I dont know stability- do I need to just get comfortable with us? I know the passion in a relationship doesnt last but am I missing something? Are best friends first the most important and then love grows? there is no romance or spark at all-
our good is: we are best friends, we support eachother 100% there is no abuse from either side in anyway, we have the same goals and dreams.. He works hard for us but doesnt ever take any romantic time for us, he understands this and wants to try- his love for me has NEVER WAIVERED!(which is so important to me) he would make a great dad and hubby, hes so handy and hard working- I wish I had more time but I am running out of time with this decision- he is 100% on this, wants me the house everything he even asked me what I would say last week if he asked me to marry him- we are going to be short for money which means we will be borrowing from another source (as you can see this isnt exactly easy..) I try and tell myself that I am on gods path (I forced things my whole life) and this is fate, we got this house, we couldnt find anything similar for the price, it is a dream come true for both of us BUT my feelings are doubt right now. Is this normal? Last week I was excited this I am scared and want to run- which all of the stress is adding up to IMMENSE depression I am barely making it through the work day- WHAT DO I DO? I always have thought a lot of our issues stem from my disorder but now I am wondering if our issues are making the disorder worse?!?! I am so backwards! I am running out of time.. help!
I think I am just going to try and put my relationship in to categories and see if I can explain there.. I hope this reads ok,
1. Money- I go to work everyday and make ok money could be better but I am in the first 2 years of starting this major law career.. and he has stated how I should get a job with benefits or one better paying. I lost my **** on him for passing that judgment and it hasnt happened since. He is self employed and doesnt motivate himself at all. If I bitch or threaten to leave he immediately starts doing what I am upset about. It lasts one day enough to put me off of being angry and then dissipates from there. We do not have a joint account. We each pay half of everything.. when in doubt I am the one who pays the bills as they are ALL in my name anyways. He used to be worse about bills but now he gets that I cant do it all and that was a major reason for last years separation (plus I went back to school again). He does have a great work ethic once he gets clients but he wont go out and get them, I continue to build his business and work full time plus work another job part time to help pay for my expensive horse hobby. I am extremely cheap and have financial ocd. He is not and has spent away most of our deposit for our house (which was a gift from his mom for this purpose) b.c. he has needed that money to cover his half of the bills since he has basically no income. He thinks he'll be able to recoup this money in the next few months.. I dont know how, again bubble unrealisitic! He will help and loan me money if needed and if he has it but there is no security for me, I cannot change jobs. I am the secured breadwinner in the banks eyes. He states that when he gets busy enough he would want me to have the option of not working and he would like his wife to be a stay at home mom.. I agree.. but I dont know when that'll ever happen.. he doesnt do much to help. His work is very seasonal so rather than getting another job (which isnt what he wants to do) and help us move forward he just gets by with whatever money he has and does whatever he wants each day. He makes more than me yes, when he works.
Communication- I can tell him just about anything but he can never really understand he relates with an analogy based on himself such as: "it was nice riding tonight with another good rider, the horses were great and I felt like a kid again!" and he'll say "oh ok, kind of like how it is fun in the changeroom before hockey" and I understand this is how he tries to relate but it makes me feel like he is selfish, do you know what I mean? If I am upset he is learning to hug me but generally he gets defensive or quiet, and he'll stare at me but not say anything about it, or he'll kind of straighthen up for a day then it goes back to..
Trust- no problems here we both have immense trust for one another.
Goals- very similar. Although I have more motivation to reach them and he lives in a 'bubble' which he admits and never really faces reality..which makes me look bad when I tell him that he isnt being realistic at all. for example: he think in the next 5 years his business will build itself through word of mouth.. ummm no, try advertising and working on it? so frustrating! And I can tell he gets upset when I mention things like this.. he knows he is in a bubble but that seems to be who he is. He is almost 30, and age scares him, wants kids soon adn If I were pregnant he would want to keep it. Cant wait to afford a wedding so we can be married.. this all scares the **** out of me when I feel lonely!
Intimacy: we have always struggled with this area. We dont really have much sex at all as he doesnt know or try to find out how to turn me on or make me feel good. He expects me to just turn on once he kisses me or gives me a massage.. now i resent the massages and never feel like I want to 'put out'.. he is very affectionate on the couch and what not but I find it hard to be that way as Im just not like that.. he never has dinner ready, sends me flowers, takes me out for dinner, NOTHING..no romance! He does the odd thing when I bitch him out for it but nothing further. I even asked him to write me into his work schedule, every couple weeks plan something nice (small of course) for me.. nope never happens.
Fights: we dont really. if we do its me losing it and him staring at me. The way he responds makes me lose it more and now I just dont bother.. just coast a long. He either goes totally quiet or gets defensive.. I have to threaten to leave to get any rise out of him and now after doing that a few times he doesnt take it seriously!
Family: similar goals. Mine sucks, his is beyond wonderful which I embrace, but know he is the way he is because he has been sheltered and he'll NEVER 'need someone' just who he is. That is tough to feel.. when you have been alone your whole life, no help, living person to person just surviving. I have always made money even at 12 when in school full time and living with my boyfirends family an hour and half away from any of my blood family..I think you need some 'need' in a relationship for the wheels to work.. not oh well if you left I would find someone else- and in fact, I did separate last year and saw someone else. I found out within a week he had a new girlfriend and when I called him on it he said he was just using her for work.. he needed the help and he met her at work.. yet she slept in my bed? so I have to feel as though I dont mean too much to him. He apologizes up and down and I admit I did worse with the man I saw but its the principal- (isnt it always the pricipal with women? ) lol..
Kids- similar parenting styles.. same family goals however, my dog has never like him (like whines when he comes close) and that really worried me. My pets should like my man.. and in four years it hasnt gotten better but worse. He is brilliant in that he can see the specialness in all things and can learn to love anyone and anything.. he is very simple.. doesnt like clothes or anything fancy. There was a lot of 'fixing' up when we met as I am the girliest girl there is!
The positives: He is very handy and is the first one to spend hours under your vehicle or in the house fixing problems.. that is a wonderful trait, saved me tons of money!
He is so simple he doesnt fight back and our arguments dont escalate as I have experienced in the past..
He would never hurt a fly he really truly is on of those 'nice guys'..
We are both capricorns, our birthdays are a day a part and caps like comfort, we get comfortable and nothing matters anymore. I think that is a big factor and of course, all my fears, dating, having to struggle financially alone, the list can go on and on.. but I am trying to utilize the tools of the the program program and writing my fears would only start an obsessive negative cycle.. anyways..
He has never gotten me any gifts accept this last xmas as he had his moms money. He doesnt understand how I want to enjoy life, go on trips, buy a nicer house.. all takes money and I feel so alone in my goals while he hangs out in his bubble. I dread walking away yet I feel in the future it may be worth it. I have a major fear of the lonliness. Without any family or friends, I would be so alone. ALthough I know I am enbracing life more and I would be fine deep down. I hate moving and starting new relationships. am into horses (was an international competitor, went to school got a carreer and now ride for fun) and my current man is a blacksmith, this common goal keeps us together a lot. Not every women would understand why their man stunck so bad and I like having his connections.
We are happy for the most part but again, I feel as though I could be happier, someone could bring out better in me.. not constantly do things like get up and make noise but claim he didnt know when I get up mad.. I feel disrespected often but he says it is unintentional.
I hate this confusion and dread marriage, as I dread divorce and custody/access disputes.. its amazing how scared I am almost one of my worst fears, getting stuck in the wrong situation even though i would 'learn' it isnt the same!
Having a long marriage is important to me, and I accept it probably will be rough, definitley at some times but I want to be a very traditional couple.. he wants this too and I feel is a rare goal.
I hate to continually feel confused as this is such a huge decision! HUGE!
I am feeling better with myself, MUCH, but I also feel better in ways with him and worse in other ways.. I know you cannot answer my HUGE question but if you could relate, give me any pointers or experiences that I could learn from I would be SO APPRECIATIVE! Again, Im not much of one for reaching out so I hope I did alright and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your wisdom and experience. I feel as though I am completely lost in this one. I dont know what works or how things should be.. maybe i should stay single my whole life and date on and off? have kids for me and only me..
__________________________________________________________________________
enough about me. I had to make my decision and it was to go forward in my life for me, with or without him, we decided to go forward with the house and my stress level has decreased considerably now, looking back, dont forget, stress makes us doubt everything! everything! I decided I wanted this house for me to (we ensured we could sell anytime) and go from there. It is just a house, just a relationship. One other thing is, my expectations have always been rediculous, so keeping that in mind, I appreciate what I have. There is a reason you married him.. for me he's My best friend, someone I could talk about anything to, someone who I am comfortable with, someone who is laid back, I trust, enjoy the simple things in life with and those are all rare important things.. perhaps you should re-evaluate your expectations, what you want from all of this and go from there
you arent alone! feel free to PM if you ever want to chat or vent! best wishes..
WOW, this sounds SO familiar! its unreal! truly remarkable! I am in the exact same situation- below I posted my story:
everyone,
I am feeling extremely desperate for answers, help, advice, encouragement, discouragement, anything!
I have to decide this week whether to stay in this relationship, keep going with things and buy a house we were planning on last fall, (we have an agreement in place and are living there right now so we either have to buy or move) our mortgage payment will be the same as rent- we couldnt rent what we have for that! -------or I make a jump and move on for once and for all- however, my fears are realistic- I have no family in the area and will live alone only have my horses and job and be financially strapped and stressed.. and ALONE! (we all know how horrible this disorder is alone) I have some abandonment issues from my past too- but dont get me wrong I enjoy life living alone- I basically live alone now the amount he works-
btw: I am a negative thinker! I know it! this is a problem for us too-
background: I have been in a relationship for going on 4 years and we have had our ups and downs. We are both young professionals and were together as we both completed school, we had a brief separation but got back together. We have come a long way together! Our main issues are: communication, I dont ask well and he doesnt communicate at all- we are working on this, the biggest issue- we are to similar I think sometimes, we are BEST friends and confidents but there isnt much physical attraction, we dont 'bring' out any different areas of each other, its the same thing, we both work way to hard and he ALWAYS puts everything ahead of me- work, work, his dog, his truck, etc. do I need to embrace the comfort of our relationship? I tend to change a lot, move a lot, comes from my childhood- I dont know stability- do I need to just get comfortable with us? I know the passion in a relationship doesnt last but am I missing something? Are best friends first the most important and then love grows? there is no romance or spark at all-
our good is: we are best friends, we support eachother 100% there is no abuse from either side in anyway, we have the same goals and dreams.. He works hard for us but doesnt ever take any romantic time for us, he understands this and wants to try- his love for me has NEVER WAIVERED!(which is so important to me) he would make a great dad and hubby, hes so handy and hard working- I wish I had more time but I am running out of time with this decision- he is 100% on this, wants me the house everything he even asked me what I would say last week if he asked me to marry him- we are going to be short for money which means we will be borrowing from another source (as you can see this isnt exactly easy..) I try and tell myself that I am on gods path (I forced things my whole life) and this is fate, we got this house, we couldnt find anything similar for the price, it is a dream come true for both of us BUT my feelings are doubt right now. Is this normal? Last week I was excited this I am scared and want to run- which all of the stress is adding up to IMMENSE depression I am barely making it through the work day- WHAT DO I DO? I always have thought a lot of our issues stem from my disorder but now I am wondering if our issues are making the disorder worse?!?! I am so backwards! I am running out of time.. help!
I think I am just going to try and put my relationship in to categories and see if I can explain there.. I hope this reads ok,
1. Money- I go to work everyday and make ok money could be better but I am in the first 2 years of starting this major law career.. and he has stated how I should get a job with benefits or one better paying. I lost my **** on him for passing that judgment and it hasnt happened since. He is self employed and doesnt motivate himself at all. If I bitch or threaten to leave he immediately starts doing what I am upset about. It lasts one day enough to put me off of being angry and then dissipates from there. We do not have a joint account. We each pay half of everything.. when in doubt I am the one who pays the bills as they are ALL in my name anyways. He used to be worse about bills but now he gets that I cant do it all and that was a major reason for last years separation (plus I went back to school again). He does have a great work ethic once he gets clients but he wont go out and get them, I continue to build his business and work full time plus work another job part time to help pay for my expensive horse hobby. I am extremely cheap and have financial ocd. He is not and has spent away most of our deposit for our house (which was a gift from his mom for this purpose) b.c. he has needed that money to cover his half of the bills since he has basically no income. He thinks he'll be able to recoup this money in the next few months.. I dont know how, again bubble unrealisitic! He will help and loan me money if needed and if he has it but there is no security for me, I cannot change jobs. I am the secured breadwinner in the banks eyes. He states that when he gets busy enough he would want me to have the option of not working and he would like his wife to be a stay at home mom.. I agree.. but I dont know when that'll ever happen.. he doesnt do much to help. His work is very seasonal so rather than getting another job (which isnt what he wants to do) and help us move forward he just gets by with whatever money he has and does whatever he wants each day. He makes more than me yes, when he works.
Communication- I can tell him just about anything but he can never really understand he relates with an analogy based on himself such as: "it was nice riding tonight with another good rider, the horses were great and I felt like a kid again!" and he'll say "oh ok, kind of like how it is fun in the changeroom before hockey" and I understand this is how he tries to relate but it makes me feel like he is selfish, do you know what I mean? If I am upset he is learning to hug me but generally he gets defensive or quiet, and he'll stare at me but not say anything about it, or he'll kind of straighthen up for a day then it goes back to..
Trust- no problems here we both have immense trust for one another.
Goals- very similar. Although I have more motivation to reach them and he lives in a 'bubble' which he admits and never really faces reality..which makes me look bad when I tell him that he isnt being realistic at all. for example: he think in the next 5 years his business will build itself through word of mouth.. ummm no, try advertising and working on it? so frustrating! And I can tell he gets upset when I mention things like this.. he knows he is in a bubble but that seems to be who he is. He is almost 30, and age scares him, wants kids soon adn If I were pregnant he would want to keep it. Cant wait to afford a wedding so we can be married.. this all scares the **** out of me when I feel lonely!
Intimacy: we have always struggled with this area. We dont really have much sex at all as he doesnt know or try to find out how to turn me on or make me feel good. He expects me to just turn on once he kisses me or gives me a massage.. now i resent the massages and never feel like I want to 'put out'.. he is very affectionate on the couch and what not but I find it hard to be that way as Im just not like that.. he never has dinner ready, sends me flowers, takes me out for dinner, NOTHING..no romance! He does the odd thing when I bitch him out for it but nothing further. I even asked him to write me into his work schedule, every couple weeks plan something nice (small of course) for me.. nope never happens.
Fights: we dont really. if we do its me losing it and him staring at me. The way he responds makes me lose it more and now I just dont bother.. just coast a long. He either goes totally quiet or gets defensive.. I have to threaten to leave to get any rise out of him and now after doing that a few times he doesnt take it seriously!
Family: similar goals. Mine sucks, his is beyond wonderful which I embrace, but know he is the way he is because he has been sheltered and he'll NEVER 'need someone' just who he is. That is tough to feel.. when you have been alone your whole life, no help, living person to person just surviving. I have always made money even at 12 when in school full time and living with my boyfirends family an hour and half away from any of my blood family..I think you need some 'need' in a relationship for the wheels to work.. not oh well if you left I would find someone else- and in fact, I did separate last year and saw someone else. I found out within a week he had a new girlfriend and when I called him on it he said he was just using her for work.. he needed the help and he met her at work.. yet she slept in my bed? so I have to feel as though I dont mean too much to him. He apologizes up and down and I admit I did worse with the man I saw but its the principal- (isnt it always the pricipal with women? ) lol..
Kids- similar parenting styles.. same family goals however, my dog has never like him (like whines when he comes close) and that really worried me. My pets should like my man.. and in four years it hasnt gotten better but worse. He is brilliant in that he can see the specialness in all things and can learn to love anyone and anything.. he is very simple.. doesnt like clothes or anything fancy. There was a lot of 'fixing' up when we met as I am the girliest girl there is!
The positives: He is very handy and is the first one to spend hours under your vehicle or in the house fixing problems.. that is a wonderful trait, saved me tons of money!
He is so simple he doesnt fight back and our arguments dont escalate as I have experienced in the past..
He would never hurt a fly he really truly is on of those 'nice guys'..
We are both capricorns, our birthdays are a day a part and caps like comfort, we get comfortable and nothing matters anymore. I think that is a big factor and of course, all my fears, dating, having to struggle financially alone, the list can go on and on.. but I am trying to utilize the tools of the the program program and writing my fears would only start an obsessive negative cycle.. anyways..
He has never gotten me any gifts accept this last xmas as he had his moms money. He doesnt understand how I want to enjoy life, go on trips, buy a nicer house.. all takes money and I feel so alone in my goals while he hangs out in his bubble. I dread walking away yet I feel in the future it may be worth it. I have a major fear of the lonliness. Without any family or friends, I would be so alone. ALthough I know I am enbracing life more and I would be fine deep down. I hate moving and starting new relationships. am into horses (was an international competitor, went to school got a carreer and now ride for fun) and my current man is a blacksmith, this common goal keeps us together a lot. Not every women would understand why their man stunck so bad and I like having his connections.
We are happy for the most part but again, I feel as though I could be happier, someone could bring out better in me.. not constantly do things like get up and make noise but claim he didnt know when I get up mad.. I feel disrespected often but he says it is unintentional.
I hate this confusion and dread marriage, as I dread divorce and custody/access disputes.. its amazing how scared I am almost one of my worst fears, getting stuck in the wrong situation even though i would 'learn' it isnt the same!
Having a long marriage is important to me, and I accept it probably will be rough, definitley at some times but I want to be a very traditional couple.. he wants this too and I feel is a rare goal.
I hate to continually feel confused as this is such a huge decision! HUGE!
I am feeling better with myself, MUCH, but I also feel better in ways with him and worse in other ways.. I know you cannot answer my HUGE question but if you could relate, give me any pointers or experiences that I could learn from I would be SO APPRECIATIVE! Again, Im not much of one for reaching out so I hope I did alright and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your wisdom and experience. I feel as though I am completely lost in this one. I dont know what works or how things should be.. maybe i should stay single my whole life and date on and off? have kids for me and only me..
__________________________________________________________________________
enough about me. I had to make my decision and it was to go forward in my life for me, with or without him, we decided to go forward with the house and my stress level has decreased considerably now, looking back, dont forget, stress makes us doubt everything! everything! I decided I wanted this house for me to (we ensured we could sell anytime) and go from there. It is just a house, just a relationship. One other thing is, my expectations have always been rediculous, so keeping that in mind, I appreciate what I have. There is a reason you married him.. for me he's My best friend, someone I could talk about anything to, someone who I am comfortable with, someone who is laid back, I trust, enjoy the simple things in life with and those are all rare important things.. perhaps you should re-evaluate your expectations, what you want from all of this and go from there
you arent alone! feel free to PM if you ever want to chat or vent! best wishes..