i am nearing the end of my rope and i need help fast

Trin · Post by **Trin** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 6:20 am

and id like for people who have already taken the program for help

I am a 5 year sufferer of H-OCD or homosexual obssessive compulsive disorder. i worry constantly day in and day out that i might be gay. everything in me tells me im not. when i was little i liked girls and only girls. as i got older the anxiety in my life grew and somehow i started worrying if i found guys attractive. the thoughts would drive me insane because they wouldnt feel good and they would intrude throughout the entire day. Ive even go so far as to try and see if i am gay by forcing myself to try gay things and try admitting that i might be a bisexual but those 2 things did nothing but make me feel dirty and disgusted with myself, meanwhile being with a girl feels almost heavenly.

i have a history of obsessive worrying and i have hypochondria and bipolar in my family

what im asking is...will this program help me stop thinking about being gay?

will it make the gay thoughts and overall feeling of uneasiness go away?

is it worth it?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 6:34 am

Hi Trin. I am not a graduate of this program, I am in the middle of Session Six. I do want to reply because you sound so upset in the moment.
My first feelings after reading your post were questions, so I will ask them. Are there people in your life whose opinion you are worried about? Do you have this program and have you worked it completely in the past? Also, if you go back far enough in anyone's family ancestry, we all have hypochondria and manic depression, so there you are not unique. You don't mention a history of therapy for gender confusion, and you don't mention if you have this program. I do believe this program would help you. Best of luck. Pecos

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 6:42 am

no

i am not worried about anyone elses opinion. i guess you can say i have a fear of being gay because i dont want to get made fun of, and seeing as how im very sensitive, if i got made fun of everyday id feel like killing myself.

i dont ever recall wanting to be gay when i was younger.

i do have this program but i am missing certain parts like the workbook.

i dont think i need gender confusion thereapy. i know im a guy and i like being who i am. i dont understand why id need gender confusion therapy

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 7:29 am

Trin,

From reading what you said I don't think you are gay. You're saying that tried "gay things" and that made you feel "dirty" and girl things made you feel "heavenly". People that are gay, know that they are gay and don't try forcing themselves to do things that are gay. And they aren't disgusted by those things. It's just like for those of us who are straight. I never had to force myself to like a guy and I don't think you have forced yourself to like a girl. I think it's your disorder talking and those thoughts you have are making you believe something you are not. That's what anxiety does to us. It makes us fear shopping malls, flying, being stuck in traffic, hurting another person etc... These thoughts aren't reality. It's our minds telling us that they are. Like my mind tells me to be afraid of traveling far away from home. Have I traveled away from home before, yes. Did anything bad ever happen to me, no. But my mind says otherwise. Your mind is telling you the same things about being gay. I think this program will help you, you have to have faith in it and work hard. I'm on session 5 now and have learned about how my anxiety and thoughts work. Good luck.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 7:53 am

Hi again. I don't have any idea how old you are. There are some schools of thought that identify very young people (who question their sexual preferences) as having gender confusion when they don't (and this can cause a plethora of confusion for the child). I am not of that school of thought, and I am not suggesting you have therapy. I was just asking for clarification. You wanted to know if this program would work. I said, yes, I think it probably would help you.

BTTRFLY · Post by **BTTRFLY** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 8:55 am

GI822, you hit the nail on the head perfect! Anxiety/OCD and such will do this trin, it confuses you for NO reason at all. I don't want to share, but if it helps you it's worth it. I had thoughts of what I didn't want to happen and then obsess over it (ocd), thoughts that worried me but weren't true. Thank God I am prevailing! Everyone thinks! We all do and we who are hurting just obsess instead of filtering these thoughts out as we would normally. You will get better and stronger, just a little at a time and be thankful every step of the way.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 9:08 am

Trin, I am NOT a Doctor, but I TOO struggle with OCD Or in my case OST(obsessive scary thoughts) One thing that I have noticed in your post, is that you are TERRIFIED at the "thought" of possibly being gay. And that when you tried to force yourself to trying to do gay things,? and that it made you feel dirty..well, it's obvious to me that YOU ARE NOT GAY!!!! I have a gay friend and a gay cousin and they both find pleasure with the same sex, obviously. The thing with OST's is that it plagues the mind with horrible intrusive thoughts that are based off of our worst scenerios.."what IF I am Gay" and because this "thought" is sooooo out of the norm for you, and it scares you. There is a website that has been mentioned several times on this site :http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-elimin ... &id=231502
This site helped me to understand why I had these intrusive scary thoughts and how I ATTRACTED these thoughts, simply by being "scared" of them. I hope you can begin to understand just how anxiety works and why it does what it does. Continue with this program, it will get better

You ARE NOT alone! We all have frightening "thoughts". Even "normal" people. The difference is that WE tend to dwell on them and "others" just think to themselves "wow, that was weird" and can readily dismiss the thought without alarm. I hope this helps you! Feel free to ask questions here, and to share your own stories, everyone benefits from eachother. Take care and God bless you
Robin

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 9:25 am

i want to thank yOU ALL FOR replying and helping me

the gay thoughts just seem so real and powerful sometimes. i cant even watch tv or listen to the radio or anthing without thinking if theyll say something about being gay.

its almost as if theres someone inside me saying things that are gay and making me feel like i am, but these feelings give me pain and discomfort.

i dont know if i said this already but there was a time when i didnt care about being gay or bi or whatever i just wanted the thoughts to go away so i could just be happy and even that didnt work

i agree with what you all said as to me not bein gay. if i was i would feel so depressed and robbed of happyiness i dont know what id do

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 9:45 am

You should post on the OCD board. I have seen people on there talking about this type of OCD. It is a common OCD thought.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jul 28, 2009 1:32 pm

I know this post is from last year, but I'm also needing help in this category. As far as anxiety goes... I'm guilty, but the gay thoughts are the only thoughts that can bring me into a panic attack. When I hear stories about 40 year old women coming out, who said they didn't "know" they were gay until in their later life... that completely terrifies the heck out of me! I always wonder if that will be me, or if I just can't find a partner that I'm completely happy with. I know this is so crazy, I know deep down that I'm not gay, but like I said when I see stories of older women coming out, that totally freaks me out and I don't understand why!