Facing my FEARS! (do I have to?)

Cher** · Post by Cher** » Wed Jan 23, 2008 12:10 am

I made it to track 5 of session 2 where they are talking about one day facing my fear(s).
I am not comfortable with this thought at all.
It's not like I am scared to drive on the highway or get in an elevator. No... mine involves more that just myself. I have some issues with my fiance's kids and especially being in the same place as his ex wife. That is the dosie for me. I don't go to soccer games at all. Actually there is no real reason for me TO go to a game...
I just can't imagine why I need to face this fear!!! I don't want to at ALL! Just thinking about it has me all upset haha
I hate having this thing / feeling control me. ugh... The biggest issue is that the ex wife gets upset about me (existing) and takes it out on the kids. I don't want the kids to go through that so I stay wayyyyy out of things. I know she is winning, but I am not into drama and don't want to get in any screeming matches with this woman. That would be stupid and it certainly is not my style. I have a bit more class than that.
Is telling myself that I am "the bigger person" really just a cop out so I can hide from an uncomfortable situation? (I think it is sometimes).
Gee, I can't wait to listen to the cd about obsessive thoughts (haha).
thanks for listening

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 23, 2008 5:23 am

I am not in your situation, but it just seems like this is more about being assertive and having boundaries. It is definitely the best for the children for ex's and current spouses to get along, but it takes really mature people with excellent boundaries to work this situation out. I don't think this program advocates getting into screaming matches or violence in facing your fears:). Some people are dangerous emotionally and physically, and you're not taking care of yourself if you let them mistreat you. I don't think anyone on here would support you being involved in that situation, and physical separation through proper boundaries looks like the only way to alleviate the situation right now. All you can control is yourself. You can work as much as possible on being assertive, but if you are around the ex, and she is constantly shouting at you and hurting the kids, the problem isn't you. All you can do is the best on your end. You may want to look at writing her a letter while being compassionate about how painful it may be for her. You may want to point out that you can't imagine what it's like for her and you are not trying to hurt her, but you do want to be a good step mom to the kids and want to support them at their sporting events. You may want to take turns with her in going to the events where both of you do not have to be there at the same time. Just try to take the high road and be mature for the kids. Most splits aren't amicable, and it's a blessing when they are. There's no telling what she's blaming you for right now, and if you are going to the games to support the kids but arguments are occuring between you and her eventhough you don't start them, then that isn't helping the kids. It probably is harming them, and the point that you are trying to support them is being lost. Find a way, through letter, etc. to work it out maturely first. I don't think that you should avoid all of the kids' events, but you may just need to give the ex spouse some time. I just think the fear that you may need to face is learning how to resolve conflicts by expressing yourself appropriately with others and be assertive. Being assertive is not getting into drama and screaming matches. It is standing up for yourself in a non-violent way, and resolving conflict maturely. Simply going to the matches doesn't count as facing the fear. I know I may be coming off a bit preachy, and I'm sorry if I'm doing that. I'm just trying to give some advice, and hopefully it will help you:). I really do wish you the best with this very difficult and stressful situation.
Take Care and God Bless You

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 23, 2008 5:52 am

I think by stepping back and giving the ex wife some time to get used to the idea of you being around might help the situation. Being a divorcee myself, I know it took a while for me to get comfortable with the idea of another woman being around my kids. Once all the anger and hurt feelings had been dealt with, over the whole divorce thing, I was able to stand back and look at it from another point of view. I'm actually glad that my son has another woman in his life who loves him and treats him so well. Give the ex some time and maybe she'll come around, maybe not. But to stand back and keep out of the situation isn't a cop out. It could be the smartest thing to do, only you will know that.