i make myself sick when i don't want to do something, and i don't know how to stop. this morning i woke up and didn't want to get out of bed, so i reset the alarm a couple of times, and finally, i decided i wasn't going to get out of bed. i thought, "i wish i had a headache or some physical malady that would give me an excuse to stay in bed." next thing i know, i have a headache.
i know that by staying in bed i am only encouraging myself to stay in depression and eventually i will feel useless because i've wasted another day and i will feel guilty for all the things i didn't get done and all the people i let down at work by not being there. i know that. i just can't make it stop. i know i can't be the only one who has ever done this. has anyone out there experienced this or better yet overcome it? what is it called? how do i stop? i've been doing this for years and it's like a habit. i know i need to change it and that i'm the only one who can and that i have the power to, but i'm not sure how to go about it.
i'm making myself sick - help!
-
Guest
Jen,
Sounds like you have all of the same symptoms we're all dealing with. You already see how strong your mind is in terms of making you sick; here you'll learn how to turn that around.
If you can't work on a given day, try to at least get out of bed and get something done, however small. I write myself a list, and on bad days I may have "do a load of laundry" or "go to post office", but at the end of the day, I can say I got something done even though I felt awful.
Obsessive thoughts are hard to deal with. It's like a loop of negativity playing over and over in your head. You can try to distract yourself and sometimes talk to yourself to change what you're telling yourself. But stop beating yourself up for what you can't accomplish and try patting yourself on the back for what you can do.
You already know you have bad habits and here you can learn how to change that. And there are so many people here who know exactly what you're going through. You are by no means alone!
Les
Sounds like you have all of the same symptoms we're all dealing with. You already see how strong your mind is in terms of making you sick; here you'll learn how to turn that around.
If you can't work on a given day, try to at least get out of bed and get something done, however small. I write myself a list, and on bad days I may have "do a load of laundry" or "go to post office", but at the end of the day, I can say I got something done even though I felt awful.
Obsessive thoughts are hard to deal with. It's like a loop of negativity playing over and over in your head. You can try to distract yourself and sometimes talk to yourself to change what you're telling yourself. But stop beating yourself up for what you can't accomplish and try patting yourself on the back for what you can do.
You already know you have bad habits and here you can learn how to change that. And there are so many people here who know exactly what you're going through. You are by no means alone!
Les
-
Guest
Thanks Les. I appreciate your response. I ordered the 30 day trial yesterday with the vitamins. I decided I had nothing to lose with the trial. See what happens and then decide whether to keep going with it.
I'm glad you know what I'm going through and that the program will help me to control those things in my head. I know I have the ability to control them, but I sometimes feel powerless to stop them.
I did the same thing again today. I've been throwing up today because I worked up my emotions to the point that I got my stomach in knots. The outside pressure is only making it worse. I know I can't control that, and all I can control is my response to it, so I know where I need to focus. I just haven't been able to figure out how to do it. I guess I just need to take everything in smaller portions and practice dealing with them until I can work my way up to dealing with them on a regular basis.
All I know for sure is that right now, I'm my own worst enemy. Not only because I'm making myself sick, but also because I'm damaging my career by not being in to work everyday and not being reliable to my supervisors who thought enough of me to put me on a new project. We're all under a tight deadline, and I'm making myself sick to avoid it, and all that does is make it worse. They're all stressed to the max, so they are trying everything they can think of to get me to come in, and all of that pressure only makes things worse for me. I take it and roll with it and use it as fuel for the downward spiral.
It's hard not to think bad of yourself when you realize how much you are messing everything up. I see what you're saying though. I have been bringing home work things after work and on weekends, and I've been working on them. Maybe if I focus my attention on getting those things done, it will help ease my stress and I can get back in control a little bit. Maybe that will get them off of my back a little, and I will feel like I'm accomplishing something, and maybe all of that combined will help me get better for today.
Thanks again for your response, and for letting me know I'm not alone in my behaviors. It does help to know that others are dealing with it too, because everyone around me that I've tried to talk to about it doesn't understand it. Thank you.
I'm glad you know what I'm going through and that the program will help me to control those things in my head. I know I have the ability to control them, but I sometimes feel powerless to stop them.
I did the same thing again today. I've been throwing up today because I worked up my emotions to the point that I got my stomach in knots. The outside pressure is only making it worse. I know I can't control that, and all I can control is my response to it, so I know where I need to focus. I just haven't been able to figure out how to do it. I guess I just need to take everything in smaller portions and practice dealing with them until I can work my way up to dealing with them on a regular basis.
All I know for sure is that right now, I'm my own worst enemy. Not only because I'm making myself sick, but also because I'm damaging my career by not being in to work everyday and not being reliable to my supervisors who thought enough of me to put me on a new project. We're all under a tight deadline, and I'm making myself sick to avoid it, and all that does is make it worse. They're all stressed to the max, so they are trying everything they can think of to get me to come in, and all of that pressure only makes things worse for me. I take it and roll with it and use it as fuel for the downward spiral.
It's hard not to think bad of yourself when you realize how much you are messing everything up. I see what you're saying though. I have been bringing home work things after work and on weekends, and I've been working on them. Maybe if I focus my attention on getting those things done, it will help ease my stress and I can get back in control a little bit. Maybe that will get them off of my back a little, and I will feel like I'm accomplishing something, and maybe all of that combined will help me get better for today.
Thanks again for your response, and for letting me know I'm not alone in my behaviors. It does help to know that others are dealing with it too, because everyone around me that I've tried to talk to about it doesn't understand it. Thank you.
-
Guest
Hi,
I really used to struggle with what you are struggling with right now. My circumstances are probably different. I am married, and my husband has a long-term position at a University with tenure. We are raising a son with severe autism. Before my son was diagnosed with autism, I was an at home mom under difficult circumstances. In other words, we were poor in order for me to be able to be his full time caregiver. I had a bachelor's degree, but I preferred being an at home mom. A lot of my family members looked down on me, for their own reasons, for being an at home mom. I was very sensitive to that, and I thought that my career determined my value.
Well, when my son was diagnosed at almost three with autism, my world came crashing down. At first, I tried to hold it together. I tried getting a job because he would now be in school, etc. However, that ended up being a bad idea because being a parent of a child with autism can end up being a full time job even when they are at school. There's so much research to do, those that cared for him at school weren't taking care of him properly, advocating with the school systems, etc. I ended up quitting my job, but I was physically drained and my son required a lot of physical attention, and I would literally cry when my husband left us to go to work in the morning. Within a year, at a therapist's urging, I went back to grad. school for social work(very stressful) and worked at the local public library, and made straight A's. It was all too much, and my anxiety became even more intense, but I was pleasing my therapist. I was sick all the time, etc, but since I was physically doing, it didn't matter to her. I changed degree programs to library science, graduated, and worked part time at a University library. However, there was constant drama with my son, and after a year, my temp. position ended. At first, I was scared, etc. I tried to find a job, thought of going back to school, and after months passed, it was obvious to me and my husband, that my body had needed rest, that parenting a child with autism is even more difficult when both of us worked, and I was able to use the time to heal.
So, your situation may not be just like mine, but here are some things that I suggest. First of all, honestly and truthfully ask yourself why you are making yourself sick to avoid work? Do you hate your job? If so, what are all of your options regarding employment including finding another job elsewhere or returning to school? What's your dream job or calling? Are you a perfectionist who would rather not show up for work as an excuse for not getting it perfect then to show up consistently and not always get it right? I used to skip classes in high school to study for tests later in the day, and there were a few times in my bachelor's where I would "get sick" when I was afraid I wouldn't get a perfect score on a test. I could make up the test later. The truth is that I would have scored the same, but I was just so worried about being perfect. Don't judge yourself in this process. You need to be as honest with yourself as possible to get to the root cause.
Secondly, look into reading the book, "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud which has a great chapter on boundaries at work. You admit that you are taking your work home with you, it's stressing you out, etc. Boundaries are really important in work, in our relationships with others and ourselves. I can't tell specifically, but it looks like a lot is getting dumped on you, and you feel a lot of responsibility for others. Boundaries are really important in this situation.
Thirdly, it's too easy for all of us to confuse our value with having a job and having a great performance at our job. Truth be told, jobs provide us with money so that we can sustain ourselves. It's great when we find something we love to do and get paid. However, no matter what, we are not our jobs. The book, "The Search For Significance" really helped me with that. You aren't a good or bad person based on your performance at work. Sometimes, realizing that takes the weight off and gives us the freedom to work for the right motivations.
A fourth point is that although it appears that you don't have choices, you do. Adults always have choices and there are consequences for those choices. You go to work, you get paid, etc. You don't go to work, eventually, you will be let go or not get paid. This isn't about whether or not you are a good person. It's just a choice. Something about going to work or going to this job is making you avoid it. If you can take ownership of that, it would be so much better than letting your body make the decision for you by getting sick. Don't feel guilty or beat yourself up for having a physical reaction from you emotions. Taking ownership is the key to curtailing the situation.
I can't speak for you, but I will never ignore my body again. I'm not telling you to quit your job, but I really advise looking into the boundary issues at work so that you realize that you have more control. In my situation, being a mother of a child with autism is a full time job, and I don't wear multiple hats very well. I was letting other people decide what was best for me, and they had no idea what it was like to raise a child with autism, even though they meant well. I now spend time volunteering on other issues when he's in school and doing my art and writing. I also spend a lot of time advocating for him with the schools and insurance companies, I'm a family manager, and that's what I truthfully enjoy doing. A bonus is that since I was initially a stay at home mom on way less money, we can easily afford this situation. If I ever have to work to feed my family, of course, I would work it out. My chronic fatigue is rarely a problem. So, my advice is to listen to your body instead of beating yourself up for supposedly being a "bad little girl who won't go to work." You are an adult who has choices, and I think setting adult boundaries will really help.
That's just my advice with the information you've provided, so I could be wrong about everything. If something helps, use it, but if not just ignore me:). I'm just letting you know some things that helped in my situation:).
I'm just continuing to think more about your situation, and the more I think about your situation, the more your perfectionism is standing out to me as something that is making you sick. If that is the case, I can tell you that I had more room to fall than I ever thought when I went back to graduate school and didn't require myself to make the best grade in the class. Have you ever seen the movie, "With Honors"? Work places are set up where perfectionism wins the accolades and achievement. However, sometimes you forgo that for something of greater value, such as win the main character gave up graduating with Honors in the movie. In grad. school and caring for a son with autism, I preferred getting my work completed as soon as possible, even if it wasn't perfect, and I still got good grades with a few bumps here and there. I also no longer followed around professors like a puppy dog waiting for their ultimate approval. Give yourself room not to be perfect, and I bet you'll show up for work more. Understand that you have value just because you are you apart from your work performance and seek out sources that affirm that. Find out about healthy work boundaries, and definitely, have some fun on the weekends:)!
Take care,
luvpiggy
I really used to struggle with what you are struggling with right now. My circumstances are probably different. I am married, and my husband has a long-term position at a University with tenure. We are raising a son with severe autism. Before my son was diagnosed with autism, I was an at home mom under difficult circumstances. In other words, we were poor in order for me to be able to be his full time caregiver. I had a bachelor's degree, but I preferred being an at home mom. A lot of my family members looked down on me, for their own reasons, for being an at home mom. I was very sensitive to that, and I thought that my career determined my value.
Well, when my son was diagnosed at almost three with autism, my world came crashing down. At first, I tried to hold it together. I tried getting a job because he would now be in school, etc. However, that ended up being a bad idea because being a parent of a child with autism can end up being a full time job even when they are at school. There's so much research to do, those that cared for him at school weren't taking care of him properly, advocating with the school systems, etc. I ended up quitting my job, but I was physically drained and my son required a lot of physical attention, and I would literally cry when my husband left us to go to work in the morning. Within a year, at a therapist's urging, I went back to grad. school for social work(very stressful) and worked at the local public library, and made straight A's. It was all too much, and my anxiety became even more intense, but I was pleasing my therapist. I was sick all the time, etc, but since I was physically doing, it didn't matter to her. I changed degree programs to library science, graduated, and worked part time at a University library. However, there was constant drama with my son, and after a year, my temp. position ended. At first, I was scared, etc. I tried to find a job, thought of going back to school, and after months passed, it was obvious to me and my husband, that my body had needed rest, that parenting a child with autism is even more difficult when both of us worked, and I was able to use the time to heal.
So, your situation may not be just like mine, but here are some things that I suggest. First of all, honestly and truthfully ask yourself why you are making yourself sick to avoid work? Do you hate your job? If so, what are all of your options regarding employment including finding another job elsewhere or returning to school? What's your dream job or calling? Are you a perfectionist who would rather not show up for work as an excuse for not getting it perfect then to show up consistently and not always get it right? I used to skip classes in high school to study for tests later in the day, and there were a few times in my bachelor's where I would "get sick" when I was afraid I wouldn't get a perfect score on a test. I could make up the test later. The truth is that I would have scored the same, but I was just so worried about being perfect. Don't judge yourself in this process. You need to be as honest with yourself as possible to get to the root cause.
Secondly, look into reading the book, "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud which has a great chapter on boundaries at work. You admit that you are taking your work home with you, it's stressing you out, etc. Boundaries are really important in work, in our relationships with others and ourselves. I can't tell specifically, but it looks like a lot is getting dumped on you, and you feel a lot of responsibility for others. Boundaries are really important in this situation.
Thirdly, it's too easy for all of us to confuse our value with having a job and having a great performance at our job. Truth be told, jobs provide us with money so that we can sustain ourselves. It's great when we find something we love to do and get paid. However, no matter what, we are not our jobs. The book, "The Search For Significance" really helped me with that. You aren't a good or bad person based on your performance at work. Sometimes, realizing that takes the weight off and gives us the freedom to work for the right motivations.
A fourth point is that although it appears that you don't have choices, you do. Adults always have choices and there are consequences for those choices. You go to work, you get paid, etc. You don't go to work, eventually, you will be let go or not get paid. This isn't about whether or not you are a good person. It's just a choice. Something about going to work or going to this job is making you avoid it. If you can take ownership of that, it would be so much better than letting your body make the decision for you by getting sick. Don't feel guilty or beat yourself up for having a physical reaction from you emotions. Taking ownership is the key to curtailing the situation.
I can't speak for you, but I will never ignore my body again. I'm not telling you to quit your job, but I really advise looking into the boundary issues at work so that you realize that you have more control. In my situation, being a mother of a child with autism is a full time job, and I don't wear multiple hats very well. I was letting other people decide what was best for me, and they had no idea what it was like to raise a child with autism, even though they meant well. I now spend time volunteering on other issues when he's in school and doing my art and writing. I also spend a lot of time advocating for him with the schools and insurance companies, I'm a family manager, and that's what I truthfully enjoy doing. A bonus is that since I was initially a stay at home mom on way less money, we can easily afford this situation. If I ever have to work to feed my family, of course, I would work it out. My chronic fatigue is rarely a problem. So, my advice is to listen to your body instead of beating yourself up for supposedly being a "bad little girl who won't go to work." You are an adult who has choices, and I think setting adult boundaries will really help.
That's just my advice with the information you've provided, so I could be wrong about everything. If something helps, use it, but if not just ignore me:). I'm just letting you know some things that helped in my situation:).
I'm just continuing to think more about your situation, and the more I think about your situation, the more your perfectionism is standing out to me as something that is making you sick. If that is the case, I can tell you that I had more room to fall than I ever thought when I went back to graduate school and didn't require myself to make the best grade in the class. Have you ever seen the movie, "With Honors"? Work places are set up where perfectionism wins the accolades and achievement. However, sometimes you forgo that for something of greater value, such as win the main character gave up graduating with Honors in the movie. In grad. school and caring for a son with autism, I preferred getting my work completed as soon as possible, even if it wasn't perfect, and I still got good grades with a few bumps here and there. I also no longer followed around professors like a puppy dog waiting for their ultimate approval. Give yourself room not to be perfect, and I bet you'll show up for work more. Understand that you have value just because you are you apart from your work performance and seek out sources that affirm that. Find out about healthy work boundaries, and definitely, have some fun on the weekends:)!
Take care,
luvpiggy
-
Guest
Wow, thank you so much for sharing all that! Yes, our circumstances are different, but you are right on so many points. I never really consider myself a perfectionist because I know that I make mistakes like everyone, but I do prefer to get it right the first time, and I do prefer to be everyone's helper and I tend to try to take care of more than I should. I'm definitely going to check out that book on Boundaries. I think that sounds like something I need to really look into and think about. I never really thought about it like that, but I see what you're saying that taking my work home wtih me is keeping me from getting a break from work when I need it. And I also realize, now that you pointed that out, that I do tend to feel a sense of failure if I don't finish what I wanted to for work over the weekend or at night after work. When really, I shouldn't even be taking it home because it is work and it should remain at work. I mean, I'm working OT when I'm there, so I need to just accept what I'm getting done while I'm there as good enough. The expectations at work do get more impossible, but now that I'm thinking about it like this, I think maybe I'm causing the expectations to get more impossible because I'm stretching myself thin to get things done, and they don't realize that's what I'm doing so they expect me to perform consistently at that level.
Goodness, I know it sounds silly, but things are really a lot clearer when I look at them from your point of view as someone who's been there and done that! I am an approval seeker in all areas of my life. And when I don't get the approval I think I deserve, I feel deflated and unworthy and then I work myself to death to try to fix it. Just this morning I asked my friend, "What do you do when your best isn't good enough? Do you try to make your best better or do you accept it and move on?" He told me, "Your best is always your best. As long as you feel it's the best you can do, nothing else matters. Never let anyone define your standards. Only you can do that." But I told him, "I think that me defining my standards may actually be my problem. I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall." It's so strange to me, that I was having that very conversation with my friend this morning, and even though I was admitting to him that my standards for myself are too high, I didn't realize I had found my answer. It took reading your take on my problem for me to get it, even though I kind of already got it! Wild!
Goodness. Okay. So I'm defining myself by other's thoughts of me and by my expectations and results. So I need to not be dependent upon other's approval. And I need to not equate myself with my work performance. I need to shift my outlook of myself so that what I do is what I do, not who I am. Wow. Okay. That's a lot to take in! I mean, I get it, but at the same time, it's almost too much to comprehend all at once.
Thank you so much!! Your response was SO helpful and SO appreciated!! I'm going to make note of those books and make notes to remind myself to look at myself as I am, not with unrealistic expectations. I can already tell this is going to be hard, but I feel so much better already just because I understand what you're saying and I realize that I have not been acting in a healthy manner. That's the first step to correcting my behavior, I know, so I'm thankful that I understand.
Thank you so much!
Jen
Goodness, I know it sounds silly, but things are really a lot clearer when I look at them from your point of view as someone who's been there and done that! I am an approval seeker in all areas of my life. And when I don't get the approval I think I deserve, I feel deflated and unworthy and then I work myself to death to try to fix it. Just this morning I asked my friend, "What do you do when your best isn't good enough? Do you try to make your best better or do you accept it and move on?" He told me, "Your best is always your best. As long as you feel it's the best you can do, nothing else matters. Never let anyone define your standards. Only you can do that." But I told him, "I think that me defining my standards may actually be my problem. I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall." It's so strange to me, that I was having that very conversation with my friend this morning, and even though I was admitting to him that my standards for myself are too high, I didn't realize I had found my answer. It took reading your take on my problem for me to get it, even though I kind of already got it! Wild!
Goodness. Okay. So I'm defining myself by other's thoughts of me and by my expectations and results. So I need to not be dependent upon other's approval. And I need to not equate myself with my work performance. I need to shift my outlook of myself so that what I do is what I do, not who I am. Wow. Okay. That's a lot to take in! I mean, I get it, but at the same time, it's almost too much to comprehend all at once.
Thank you so much!! Your response was SO helpful and SO appreciated!! I'm going to make note of those books and make notes to remind myself to look at myself as I am, not with unrealistic expectations. I can already tell this is going to be hard, but I feel so much better already just because I understand what you're saying and I realize that I have not been acting in a healthy manner. That's the first step to correcting my behavior, I know, so I'm thankful that I understand.
Thank you so much!
Jen