Wow. Im doing bad again. It seems as time goes on the worse I get. Particulary in the winter. Where to begin...
Since I figured out how to beat panic attacks and in my head I knew I wasnt going to get them anymore it seems that anxiety has forced its way out into other various forms of hell. One being obsessive thinking.
In January I started freaking out because I thought some guys were handsome and some werent. I still like girls and have a girlfriend but the thought went out of control into obesssing about it. It went on for about a week and a half... Until I read about obsessive thoughts and found out that my obsessive thought was in the top ten things people obsesse about. Sorry about my horrid spelling. Anyway I have been under HUGE amounts of stress. My relationship is at a stand still because of me and her parents. I feel like like im in a rut. Since I feel this way it makes me question the way I feel about her and I. I do this every time with anyone. On top of all this stress Deven and I got into a huge fight and she FREAKED out. I thought I was going to have to take her to the hospital or something. It was a bad one ya know? People do that kind of stuff. I feel bad because now I feel like that puts pressure on me to hold things together or she will lose it. So now I obsessive over "Do I want to break up" OVER AND OVER. IT DRIVES ME INSANE! Just two weeks ago I was thinking about marriage! How can this be? How can my mind think one thing one minute and think something else the next?? Come to find out, when I think about it real hard my previous relationship was very similar. Whenever things got incredibly boring I questioned the way I felt about her and even broke up with her for a while... I think I mite be doing the same thing now.
Anyway. Sunday night I had a runny nose. Monday I woke up sick as ive ever been in my life!!!! Little sleep and SO MUCH anxiety I was crying and phsyically ill. I had the Flu. And I was thinking about all the stuff over and over untill It made me feel almost panic again.
Now the best part of it all! I am an animal lover and my best friend and dog "Zero" died yesterday. He was killed by a car.... Wow. What a week. sometimes I feel that I wish I could make all of my family and friends not love me anymore so I could go away and die. I dont want to live my life with such mood swings and anxiety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It has destroyed my life. Im 26 and have had so many opurtuntites fail me because of a mood. Im not a good speller. Sorry.