Family issues causing me to feel down and anxious

[Nole]

I have been on Lexapro 10mg for 3 months now and have been doing really well. Lately though, after my wonderful 2 weeks vacation of rest and relaxtion things have hit the fan. My brother, who is an alcoholic and causes much stress in our family is drinking heavily again, he lost his job last week, and it has put alot of stress on those of us that care for him. My mother is a wreck, my father is besides himself, we have tried talking to my brother about his problems and we get yelled at, talked down to, and shut out. So basically we are all miserable over this. On top of that a long time family friend of ours is dying, has cancer everywhere and our hearts just feel broken and sad. I have felt some fleeting moments of anxiety, they go away quickly though (thanks Lex) and I feel weepy alot. I just feel like a need a really good cry and sometimes I just whell up and let some tears out.

I hate my brother for making us all feel like this. I honestly think his problems are what started me having anxiety in the first place a few months back, when he got a DUI and I was left to drive him around. I am just sick of it. I feel maybe I need to up my meds, but I also know that this is a stressful time and a normal reaction for anyone to have. I am not sure what to do, I feel I am ready to get my brother out of myu life as I cant deal with it much longer and he wants no help from us. I hate to see my parents so upset and at a loss with him, they keep trying to get him to see the light with no luck.

Any suggestions on how to get through this would be greatly appreciated. Is what I am feeling noraml? Thanks for your support.

[derfy]

I think what you are feeling is normal. However, I don't think you should hate your brother for the stress he has called you. He has an issue with alcohol, just like we have issues with anxiety, panic disorder, depression, etc...

Even though we don't mean to hurt people with our problem we do. I've missed out on birthday's, vacations, time with family etc... all because of my anxiety. I have a problem and I am trying to work through it. Some people understand and some people don't.

In your brother's case it's the same thing only a different problem. I obviously don't know him but ask yourself does he mean to hurt your family? Or is it he has a problem, an addiction, and isn't looking for the help now.

My uncle, on my father's side and youngest of six, had an issue with drugs from the time he was 17 until the age of 39. The reason I say the age of 39 is because he died of a drug overdose 5 days after this past Christmas. Sure he caused his father stress, especially when we couldn't find him for days on end, and my father stress, he took him in several times tot ry and help him but he never wanted the help. There were points when we couldn't handle it and my uncle wouldn't take the help but we kept trying.

It's not fair what your brother is doing to your family but he has a problem, and he might not want the help now or he might not want the help ever, but I don't think you should get him out of your life.

Explain to him that you will be there for him when he is ready to get better but until then you need to have limited contact with him until your stress and anxiety is better.

Good luck.

[~*schnauzermom*~]

I don't have anyone currently in my life whose drinking bothers me but I grew up in a family with much drinking and dysfunction. I found the Alanon Program and therapy to be very helpful. And now you have Luinda's tapes as well. Best Wishes, you are coping with complex, anxiety provoking issues. It takes time. Keep reaching out as you have with the peer group. There are many people who have lived through a family members drinking, and who have not onle survived but are now thriving. Take good care.

[ilovewinter]

Thank you for your response. It helped alot. I dont want him out of my life but I know I have to limit my time around him as it is not healthy for me. As for him hurting us, yes, I do think he does this some of it on purpose. He doesnt have to be drunk to be very mean to us, he gets joy in making others feel miserable because it makes him feel better, drugs or no drugs he still does that and always has.

[Guest]

Hi Nole,
Having grown up in an alcoholic family on one side and an abusive family on the other I truly understand your range of emotions and the frustration of dealing with someone who is addicted. We also have a son who went through years of addiction and has now been off drugs for a year. He can still send me into a codependent tizzy, even being clean. And there were years, years, where I wore myself to a frazzle waking up at 3:30 and 4:00 in the morning to drive him to work because he had no car, or no license, or whatever. Then I would come home and sleep for 45 minutes and get up and go to work myself for 8 hours. It was not good, and I will not do that again. There comes a time, like GI822 said, where you say, "No more." Sometimes they come around, sometimes they don't. I did a 5th step with my stepmother, and she turned around and got sober over 12 years ago. My Dad followed shortly afterward (he used to drink along with her.) And our son finally hit bottom when we refused to be a part of his mess. That being said, we did allow him to come home to live with us when he got straight, and that has been good. Is our relationship perfect, nope. Do I have to work on codependent behavior. You bet! But I set the rules for me now, not him. And you have the right to do the same!
I will be thinking about you.
Darb

[Guest]

Noelle,
Hugs. Darb's post is something you might want to print out and read every day for a while.
As Jan Emily mentioned, Alanon is also a wonderful program. It helped me deal much better with my alcoholic brother's behavior. It really is a great support group and helps us to stop enabling the unhealthy family dynamics.
I also found that Lucinda's program helped me tremendously with all the consuming worry concerning my brother.
Hugs and prayers.