I Want A New Life
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Mr. Positive
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2004 2:00 am
So I did something I never thought I would do today. I called my mom and told her about the mental anguish I've endured for years. How I am acting that I'm happy all this time and that I haven't truly been right for a long while. I also explained that she didn't have to understand everything but I made a promise that this is it. I'm not going to live like this anymore. I'm going to reinvent myself. Whoever this was, is not me. I know deep inside that the only way out of this black hole is this program. I've known this for years, but my mind somewhat enjoys (sounds nutty) being in complete fear. The reality of it all, is I've mostly tried to ignore the problem, which in a way has gotten me through. I have a successful career, many many friends, and passions for all kinds of things.....but I've enjoyed none of it. I know I'm not crazy, but even that realization doesn't change a thing. I read something on here and I truly believe it. "Insanity, is not changing something that isn't working". But I have to admit that I'm more frightened to fight than just let it endure. I know I'm never going to accomplish the things in life that I really treasure: a great relationship, travel, helping others that have unfortunately gone through with this, and happiness, unless I make that first step. That first step is so frightening because I've found, in my case, that it's easy to just half apply yourself in recovery and never really get anywhere. I really think that you have to say, "I can't live this way, and I'll do whatever it takes to be happy". So there I said my peace....I'm ready to find the real me.
Last edited by Mr. Positive on Sun Feb 10, 2008 9:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Guest
Good for you! Is she supportive? I have alluded to my mother for years about my anxiety and she (I allow her to do this) does nothing but give me a laundry list of what is wrong with me. I wish you the best of luck as you go through the program and hope you get the life you desire.....you deserve it!!
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Guest
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Guest
I'm quite lucky with my mom, who is very supportive. She wants to help, but I believe that it shouldn't matter for the most part. She would have helped me all along, but you have to decide to make that leap yourself. She was very surprised, but I could have won 10 academy award oscars for my acting abilities.
I've been meandering around on the site for years and I give exemplary advice. Unfortunately, I've embraced absolutely none of that message.
I think most of all, I feared the very long journey and eventual maintaining of the program. I wanted it to just go away as fast as possible, but I've come to the realization that this recovery is going to take some time and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I've used a multitude of excuses to not attack the anxiety over these years: such as, I have to become a Christian and a non-anxiety person doesn't have fun: are just a couple off the top of my head. But today as I went from one old obsession to a new one, I said this is absolutely idiotic. I've had enough already.
I've been meandering around on the site for years and I give exemplary advice. Unfortunately, I've embraced absolutely none of that message.
I think most of all, I feared the very long journey and eventual maintaining of the program. I wanted it to just go away as fast as possible, but I've come to the realization that this recovery is going to take some time and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I've used a multitude of excuses to not attack the anxiety over these years: such as, I have to become a Christian and a non-anxiety person doesn't have fun: are just a couple off the top of my head. But today as I went from one old obsession to a new one, I said this is absolutely idiotic. I've had enough already.
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Guest
mr positive,
you sound like me I have had agrophobia for about 29 years.I was trying to go thru some stuff trying to declutter my house.I had so much material on panic attacks.pen pal letters yes back in the 80s that was the way to chat with fellow suffers and the newsletters all the information.I have books and all this material and it makes me sad how I have waited for a cure.when I got the program about 3 to 4 years ago I bought it for my husband he has ocd.I thought I was well I had been on medicine for about 20 years no panic attacks as long as I stayed in my safe places.I was working doing great tryed to get out of my safe zones did okay in one area great I have got this beat.tried another not so safe area and bam!!anxiety I told my husband to turn around.after much bickering he did short story I made my self worse you see running reinforces the fear big mistake I went way back.I have crawled back into that hole and haven't gotten out completely yet.I started the program 2 times have gotten all the way thru mostley just listening to the tapes on my way to and from work.not applying the relaxing tape and work books I now know the only way out is thru the panic but you see people with inground phobias it will be hard and here is the clincher I don't want to face them.I chuckle I remind myself of these 2 kids boxing on americas funniest videos.one kid is dancing around another one and won't get close enough for him to hit him.that is about the way I am.I will only go close to but not into my areas.you have got to apply yourself and work hard.there was one guy on here that came thru his and he said it takes a lot of pratice.he is so right.I notice you have been registered since 04.me since 06,will I ever learn I sure hope so!
you sound like me I have had agrophobia for about 29 years.I was trying to go thru some stuff trying to declutter my house.I had so much material on panic attacks.pen pal letters yes back in the 80s that was the way to chat with fellow suffers and the newsletters all the information.I have books and all this material and it makes me sad how I have waited for a cure.when I got the program about 3 to 4 years ago I bought it for my husband he has ocd.I thought I was well I had been on medicine for about 20 years no panic attacks as long as I stayed in my safe places.I was working doing great tryed to get out of my safe zones did okay in one area great I have got this beat.tried another not so safe area and bam!!anxiety I told my husband to turn around.after much bickering he did short story I made my self worse you see running reinforces the fear big mistake I went way back.I have crawled back into that hole and haven't gotten out completely yet.I started the program 2 times have gotten all the way thru mostley just listening to the tapes on my way to and from work.not applying the relaxing tape and work books I now know the only way out is thru the panic but you see people with inground phobias it will be hard and here is the clincher I don't want to face them.I chuckle I remind myself of these 2 kids boxing on americas funniest videos.one kid is dancing around another one and won't get close enough for him to hit him.that is about the way I am.I will only go close to but not into my areas.you have got to apply yourself and work hard.there was one guy on here that came thru his and he said it takes a lot of pratice.he is so right.I notice you have been registered since 04.me since 06,will I ever learn I sure hope so!
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Guest
Dear Mr Positive:
Without meaning to sound condescending, I AM SO DARN PROUD OF YOU - SO VERY MUCH!
When my anxiety triggered 3 yrs ago, in APR 2005, I had no clue what the journey would endure - I remember going into therapy during the 1st initial session, I told myself "ok, this will take 1 month & I'll be done w/ it - I can move on w/ my life" lol, can you imagine.
After my reg dr & my psychiatrist(I made appt w/in 1week of anxiety disorder triggering) both told me "your case is 1 of the worst I've seen" & psychiatrist "you can't work, you are not capable" - I was flr'd, in shock & terrified. I not only didn't understand this thing that had befallen me - I definitely had no clue how bad off I was. I was diagnosed w/ Anxiety disorder, Panic attacks, & PTSD - like WOW, LOL. I can laugh now, I sure wasn't laughing then, lol.
After I initiated therapy, I went to Church(not forcing or preaching religion: I'm Catholic for conversation sake). I didn't necessarily have a SEASONAL FAITH - rather, I felt I was in over my head BACK THEN - IN THE BEGINNING. I need a sense of direction, I needed reassurance this wasn't MY FOREVER - I went, & lord I cried - & I gave it all to God. I said, "Help me help myself - show me the way you know is best for me - give me a sense of direction. I am WILLING. I am willing to feel the pain necessary for change to occur. All I ask, is God pls be my strength when I am weak or afraid." Mr positive, long story short, he ans'd me. I won't get into specifics here, but I was getting messages & God told my soul "DON'T TAKE THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE". I initiated journaling - get those feelings out, so I am not afraid to not only acknowledge what I am thinking & feeling, but to address & feel all those things. I did research - read 16 books so I can become informed. MR POSITIVE -I don't mind fear itself. Back then, what I didn't like is the poor quality of life I had - I was experiencing life inhibiting & restricting fear - it effected me, my ability to work, & made me totally dependant on my husband. ALL THOSE THINGS HURT MY HEART - I was never that type of woman. <span class="ev_code_RED">See, anxiety disorder forced my hand - I either wallowed & get worse OR FIGHT LIKE HELL. My saving grace back then is MY MIND: I'm pretty darn smart + MY CHARACTER: I am strong in will + determination + courageous & stubborn(used as a good thing in this context).</span> I wanted recovery so bad I could TASTE IT & I so meant it when I told God I AM WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES".
Fast forward 3 yrs, to RIGHT NOW - 2008: I am no longer on any anxiety med or sleep aids(for over 1 1/2 yrs) - I'm recovered. I am not bitter, resentful, angry, in fear, in emotional pain(I've faced some of the worst & hellish stuff you could ever feel & then some), I've forgiven, I've learned to relax & appreciate relaxation as a whole, I've learned to love myself in a way I never did, I've reached levels of compassion & humbledness - that has made me cry & I'm ready to move on. I don't celebrate anxiety disorder & all it made me feel - HELL NO. Rather, I am greatful for the journey - greatful that I was given something that forced my hand - to tell me somethings weren't right - cause truth be told: IF ANXIETY DISORDER HADN'T TRIGGERED & FORCED MY HAND, I would never have addressed the multiple of things I have during the past 3 yrs - I wouldn't have changed. Unbeknownst to me, I had been living in the past as the past. My emotions were a comingled mess: I was angry/bitter/resentful: like a pit bull's jaw/hurt so very bad - I wasn't the great woman I know now I am - rather I was ALL THOSE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN CHILDHOOD & teenage yrs. There just was no distinction & this impacted me & my quality of life. RECOVERY in & of itself requires YOU CHANGE. That is what I celebrate - those changes I made - cause I have a better quality of life: no, not just cause of anxiety symptoms subsiding/going away -rather - but prior, the TOTALITY OF CHANGES.
Is it hard - yes & then some. But, there's a sense of peace about me now - words can't quantify.
Anyhows, GOOD FOR YOU for your absolute courageous journey & untaking you facing yourself. Part of the journey to recovery is SELF ACCOUNTABILITY & RESPONSIBILITY: in other words, this that & the other thing could have very well happened to you in yrs gone by - it was wrong, sure. However, blame belongs to noone - cause I want to feel better - I am responsible for me NOW as the woman I am - I am responsible for my mental & emotional well being. THAT IS EMOTIONAL MATURITY.
GOOD LUCK!
LENORE
Without meaning to sound condescending, I AM SO DARN PROUD OF YOU - SO VERY MUCH!
When my anxiety triggered 3 yrs ago, in APR 2005, I had no clue what the journey would endure - I remember going into therapy during the 1st initial session, I told myself "ok, this will take 1 month & I'll be done w/ it - I can move on w/ my life" lol, can you imagine.
After my reg dr & my psychiatrist(I made appt w/in 1week of anxiety disorder triggering) both told me "your case is 1 of the worst I've seen" & psychiatrist "you can't work, you are not capable" - I was flr'd, in shock & terrified. I not only didn't understand this thing that had befallen me - I definitely had no clue how bad off I was. I was diagnosed w/ Anxiety disorder, Panic attacks, & PTSD - like WOW, LOL. I can laugh now, I sure wasn't laughing then, lol.
After I initiated therapy, I went to Church(not forcing or preaching religion: I'm Catholic for conversation sake). I didn't necessarily have a SEASONAL FAITH - rather, I felt I was in over my head BACK THEN - IN THE BEGINNING. I need a sense of direction, I needed reassurance this wasn't MY FOREVER - I went, & lord I cried - & I gave it all to God. I said, "Help me help myself - show me the way you know is best for me - give me a sense of direction. I am WILLING. I am willing to feel the pain necessary for change to occur. All I ask, is God pls be my strength when I am weak or afraid." Mr positive, long story short, he ans'd me. I won't get into specifics here, but I was getting messages & God told my soul "DON'T TAKE THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE". I initiated journaling - get those feelings out, so I am not afraid to not only acknowledge what I am thinking & feeling, but to address & feel all those things. I did research - read 16 books so I can become informed. MR POSITIVE -I don't mind fear itself. Back then, what I didn't like is the poor quality of life I had - I was experiencing life inhibiting & restricting fear - it effected me, my ability to work, & made me totally dependant on my husband. ALL THOSE THINGS HURT MY HEART - I was never that type of woman. <span class="ev_code_RED">See, anxiety disorder forced my hand - I either wallowed & get worse OR FIGHT LIKE HELL. My saving grace back then is MY MIND: I'm pretty darn smart + MY CHARACTER: I am strong in will + determination + courageous & stubborn(used as a good thing in this context).</span> I wanted recovery so bad I could TASTE IT & I so meant it when I told God I AM WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES".
Fast forward 3 yrs, to RIGHT NOW - 2008: I am no longer on any anxiety med or sleep aids(for over 1 1/2 yrs) - I'm recovered. I am not bitter, resentful, angry, in fear, in emotional pain(I've faced some of the worst & hellish stuff you could ever feel & then some), I've forgiven, I've learned to relax & appreciate relaxation as a whole, I've learned to love myself in a way I never did, I've reached levels of compassion & humbledness - that has made me cry & I'm ready to move on. I don't celebrate anxiety disorder & all it made me feel - HELL NO. Rather, I am greatful for the journey - greatful that I was given something that forced my hand - to tell me somethings weren't right - cause truth be told: IF ANXIETY DISORDER HADN'T TRIGGERED & FORCED MY HAND, I would never have addressed the multiple of things I have during the past 3 yrs - I wouldn't have changed. Unbeknownst to me, I had been living in the past as the past. My emotions were a comingled mess: I was angry/bitter/resentful: like a pit bull's jaw/hurt so very bad - I wasn't the great woman I know now I am - rather I was ALL THOSE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN CHILDHOOD & teenage yrs. There just was no distinction & this impacted me & my quality of life. RECOVERY in & of itself requires YOU CHANGE. That is what I celebrate - those changes I made - cause I have a better quality of life: no, not just cause of anxiety symptoms subsiding/going away -rather - but prior, the TOTALITY OF CHANGES.
Is it hard - yes & then some. But, there's a sense of peace about me now - words can't quantify.
Anyhows, GOOD FOR YOU for your absolute courageous journey & untaking you facing yourself. Part of the journey to recovery is SELF ACCOUNTABILITY & RESPONSIBILITY: in other words, this that & the other thing could have very well happened to you in yrs gone by - it was wrong, sure. However, blame belongs to noone - cause I want to feel better - I am responsible for me NOW as the woman I am - I am responsible for my mental & emotional well being. THAT IS EMOTIONAL MATURITY.
GOOD LUCK!
LENORE
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Guest
I'm new to the chat room. Read your post. Sounds just like me. Reading it has inspired me to try the program again. I have had the program for years. I have tried many times and have quit for one reason or another. I have tried to deal with this for many years, unsuccessfully, but deep down inside, I know the program will help me.
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Guest
Dear Mr. Positive:
I just wanted to say thank you for your post. I must admit to being more than slightly jealous of your conviction. I have suffered from anxiety, panic, agoraphobia, and depression for 5 years, and while I hate it and don't want to feel it so severely anymore, I have not yet been able to muster the courage to stand up and say This is ENOUGH, as you have. I'm working with a new therapist now and am trying to get to that point, but am still working on it. I know what you mean when you say you could've won 10 Academy Awards for your acting like everything's fine. I've done that too, and am only just finding that, contrary to what I had been thinking, lying to yourself and to others only makes life harder, NOT easier.
Again, thanks for the hope, and I wish you all the best!
I just wanted to say thank you for your post. I must admit to being more than slightly jealous of your conviction. I have suffered from anxiety, panic, agoraphobia, and depression for 5 years, and while I hate it and don't want to feel it so severely anymore, I have not yet been able to muster the courage to stand up and say This is ENOUGH, as you have. I'm working with a new therapist now and am trying to get to that point, but am still working on it. I know what you mean when you say you could've won 10 Academy Awards for your acting like everything's fine. I've done that too, and am only just finding that, contrary to what I had been thinking, lying to yourself and to others only makes life harder, NOT easier.
Again, thanks for the hope, and I wish you all the best!