Hi friends -
I'm having a complete breakdown right now. My husband and I just moved half way across the country and as soon as we got in the car to drive, the anxiety started. I've had a phobia about being in a relationship ever since i can remeber. Had a breakdown when my husband I started dating. But I knew this realationship wasn't something I wanted to run from. I knew if I did, I would run for the rest of my life. So I delt w/ the anxiety & resulting depression w/ therapy & meds. I was able to be comfortable enough to continue to date him. He transfered jobs and I moved with him out of state 6 months later. We were married about a year and a half after that and besides a few minor anxious episodes (one resulting from the engagement), I've been "happy". Fast forward 10 months, and we just moved back. I began to cry the first day, and have not stopped since. It's not just being teary, it's the heart broken, desperate weeping of depression.
My thought that started this? What if I don't love my husband. What if I want a divorce? I keep thinking that if I'm this uncomfortable, maybe he's not the one for me. But the thing is, he's a wonderfal man who provides me/us with a wonderful life. I have everything that I "should" want and yet I want to run away from it all. The spiriling thoughts that follow that are, the hurt I'll cause him and our families. The realization that i "can't" be in a relationship although I want to. Never having kids, or worse yet, getting pregnant (which we've been trying to do) and then wanting to leave the relationship.
I have calls into a therapist and medical dr. to tackle it from those angles, but I'm really in bad shape. I even had my husband drive half an hour to my parents house at 10 pm last night to get me a xanex.
I'm reaching for a life line, I need help. I need the heartache to end.
Complete meltdown happening
Lovephob,
I know you are having a terrible time...but I am so proud that you already have some people in your life to help you with this....I have been there.....and still am on some days....and as hard as it may sound....the best thing to do is to let those people who really know you and love you offer their help and support. While I don't know your "back story" I can already tell that you have been through a lot, an awful lot, in your life...and it all "clusters" and just feels overwhelming. You cannot take on everything at once....you have to be patient wiht yourself....NOT everyone else, but yourself and give yourself permission to go through this....and please listen to me on this....you ARE NOT being a whiner. You ARE NOT being selfish or petty or silly. This is tough stuff.....and you WILL make it but you have to take care of YOU and doing this program is a good thing.....stay with it. The CDs and the information on them is great. Use the workbooks...a journal helps a lot....I have been writing one for over 40 years.....you have know idea how calming it can be and how much clarity it brings when I write down what is going on with me.....Sorry to ramble here....but I know what you are going through...and I also know you can come through this and be healthy...and, yes, even happy. Hang in there.
JChick
I know you are having a terrible time...but I am so proud that you already have some people in your life to help you with this....I have been there.....and still am on some days....and as hard as it may sound....the best thing to do is to let those people who really know you and love you offer their help and support. While I don't know your "back story" I can already tell that you have been through a lot, an awful lot, in your life...and it all "clusters" and just feels overwhelming. You cannot take on everything at once....you have to be patient wiht yourself....NOT everyone else, but yourself and give yourself permission to go through this....and please listen to me on this....you ARE NOT being a whiner. You ARE NOT being selfish or petty or silly. This is tough stuff.....and you WILL make it but you have to take care of YOU and doing this program is a good thing.....stay with it. The CDs and the information on them is great. Use the workbooks...a journal helps a lot....I have been writing one for over 40 years.....you have know idea how calming it can be and how much clarity it brings when I write down what is going on with me.....Sorry to ramble here....but I know what you are going through...and I also know you can come through this and be healthy...and, yes, even happy. Hang in there.
JChick
Thank you jchick. I've been through the program a few times. And even though I'm at this low place now, the skills do help.
I'm a big journaler too, it has done wonders for me during less intense episodes. Helps put order to the circling thoughts that go through my head. Helps slow me down.
I'm going to see one of my girlfriends until my dr. appt this afternon. You're right, I do have much support and am lucky for that. It's much easier to come out the other end when you actually go through it, instead of trying to hold it all together and act "normal" in front of people you may not have that support from.
I'm a big journaler too, it has done wonders for me during less intense episodes. Helps put order to the circling thoughts that go through my head. Helps slow me down.
I'm going to see one of my girlfriends until my dr. appt this afternon. You're right, I do have much support and am lucky for that. It's much easier to come out the other end when you actually go through it, instead of trying to hold it all together and act "normal" in front of people you may not have that support from.
LovePhob,
What I noticed in your post is something that causes each of us tremendous anxiety. It's the "What if" thinking. You can not predict the future and it does you no good to be living in a possible future, especially when it's not positive.
Try to find something positive about today. Make a list of 10 things that you are grateful for today. It can be anything from enough food on the table to having computer access so that you can interact with us! Try to think of something positive about you and about your husband as well.
Also, have you listened to the relaxation audio? If I really truly try to clear my mind of the thoughts I'm having and focus on the deep breathing, it really helps me to get past the anxiety. The other skills we learn in this program help me to see how my negative thoughts are distorted thoughts - whether I'm predicting the future, mind-reading or (my favorites) catastrophize and partaking in all or nothing thinking!
Allow yourself time to work through these major changes in life. I recently got married and shortly thereafter followed my husband 1/2 way across the country for a new opportunity for him. I left my whole family behind, which I considered my "safe place". This created tremendous anxiety for me, particularly because we moved to an area much different than what I've known my entire life. I also had doubts about whether or not I made the right decision in moving or getting married because I've felt so much anxiety and depression. I realize that change is difficult and I must give myself the opportunity to be at peace with the changes I've made. I love my husband, even with our challenge to communicate at times. That’s a choice I make daily (to love him) and we’re working every day to make our communication better! (It reminds me of Clint Black’s country song, “Something that we Do”. Some of the words are, “…Love’s not just something that we’re in, it’s something that we do…”)
BTW, I also catastrophize things... what if something horrible happens to my husband and I'm left out here WITHOUT FAMILY (or long time friends) all on my own? Well, the chances of that happening are slim... and even IF they do occur, I will get through the situation. I may not like it, but it will be an incredible opportunity for growth. There seems to always be pain with growth.
There is something good that I didn't initially recognize about me moving so far away from "home". I now have the opportunity to get to really know and LOVE myself. I hate to admit it, but I've distracted myself from being alone all my life. I come from a big family and have always had many friends. It's great to be around them; however, I didn't have (or want) much time alone at all. Now that I find myself alone (whether my husband is gone or around but mentally preoccupied) I find that I too can have those bouts of tremendous crying.
I have had to really sit with the crying and ask myself to seriously reflect on what is going on inside of me? What am I thinking? What am I hurting over, angry about or anxious about? If it's past hurts or anger - I sit with it and allow myself to feel that pain and accept that I can't change the past, but I’m ok now. I then have to practice positive self-talk, that I am courageous, loveable, and unique and that I accept myself for who I am!
If it’s the present or future that I’m anxious about, I turn to this program and use the tools in the flash cards. I question my thoughts. Are they realistic, rational? I know that my anxiety is just that and it will pass. I ALLOW myself to be a little anxious and accept that anyone going through the changes I’ve been through would experience this too and it’s OK. I do not need to sit with it, though. The positive self-talk and breathing helps tremendously here.
Anyway, sorry for the really long post, but I do hope it helps.
Hang in there! Things will get better and you’ll feel better. Keep working the program and keep joining us in these forums!
God bless!
What I noticed in your post is something that causes each of us tremendous anxiety. It's the "What if" thinking. You can not predict the future and it does you no good to be living in a possible future, especially when it's not positive.
Try to find something positive about today. Make a list of 10 things that you are grateful for today. It can be anything from enough food on the table to having computer access so that you can interact with us! Try to think of something positive about you and about your husband as well.
Also, have you listened to the relaxation audio? If I really truly try to clear my mind of the thoughts I'm having and focus on the deep breathing, it really helps me to get past the anxiety. The other skills we learn in this program help me to see how my negative thoughts are distorted thoughts - whether I'm predicting the future, mind-reading or (my favorites) catastrophize and partaking in all or nothing thinking!
Allow yourself time to work through these major changes in life. I recently got married and shortly thereafter followed my husband 1/2 way across the country for a new opportunity for him. I left my whole family behind, which I considered my "safe place". This created tremendous anxiety for me, particularly because we moved to an area much different than what I've known my entire life. I also had doubts about whether or not I made the right decision in moving or getting married because I've felt so much anxiety and depression. I realize that change is difficult and I must give myself the opportunity to be at peace with the changes I've made. I love my husband, even with our challenge to communicate at times. That’s a choice I make daily (to love him) and we’re working every day to make our communication better! (It reminds me of Clint Black’s country song, “Something that we Do”. Some of the words are, “…Love’s not just something that we’re in, it’s something that we do…”)
BTW, I also catastrophize things... what if something horrible happens to my husband and I'm left out here WITHOUT FAMILY (or long time friends) all on my own? Well, the chances of that happening are slim... and even IF they do occur, I will get through the situation. I may not like it, but it will be an incredible opportunity for growth. There seems to always be pain with growth.
There is something good that I didn't initially recognize about me moving so far away from "home". I now have the opportunity to get to really know and LOVE myself. I hate to admit it, but I've distracted myself from being alone all my life. I come from a big family and have always had many friends. It's great to be around them; however, I didn't have (or want) much time alone at all. Now that I find myself alone (whether my husband is gone or around but mentally preoccupied) I find that I too can have those bouts of tremendous crying.
I have had to really sit with the crying and ask myself to seriously reflect on what is going on inside of me? What am I thinking? What am I hurting over, angry about or anxious about? If it's past hurts or anger - I sit with it and allow myself to feel that pain and accept that I can't change the past, but I’m ok now. I then have to practice positive self-talk, that I am courageous, loveable, and unique and that I accept myself for who I am!
If it’s the present or future that I’m anxious about, I turn to this program and use the tools in the flash cards. I question my thoughts. Are they realistic, rational? I know that my anxiety is just that and it will pass. I ALLOW myself to be a little anxious and accept that anyone going through the changes I’ve been through would experience this too and it’s OK. I do not need to sit with it, though. The positive self-talk and breathing helps tremendously here.
Anyway, sorry for the really long post, but I do hope it helps.
Hang in there! Things will get better and you’ll feel better. Keep working the program and keep joining us in these forums!
God bless!
Sunbound's reply beats anything I could offer, and it has some really good advice for you. One extra idea: It sounds like you are making yourself do things at a faster pace than you can cope, and that momentum is causing the unraveling? It's good that you have what sounds like a very nice support group. I wish you the best.
Hi Luvphob,
I am so sorry for your anxiety- I've been there (unable to stop sobbing) and it's truly miserable. I've been on my knees literally crying out and begging God for relief.
Soundbound is right on. You are so blessed to have a loving husband and supportative family and friends in your immediate life (and all of US!
), but I know it doesn't always take away the crummy feelings.
Someone (???- if you read this, please take credit
) on these boards once posted, "Depression is living in the past, while anxiety is living in the future." That really hit home with me because I like to dwell and what if- recovering control freak. I try really hard to live in the here and NOW (sometimes it's easier than others). Look around- what simple pleasures do you hear, feel, see, taste, smell?
I also don't know what I would do without my faith. I'm not sure what your religious background is, but the Lord always provides. When I look back at especially miserable life events, everything has served a purpose. Even now, posting to to you- if I hadn't shared your fears, concerns, and anxiety, I wouldn't be able to be compassionate and reach out.
I guess I'm babbling now... but know everyone here supports you and my prayers are with you.
Warm hugs,
Emily
Oh, years ago my grandma gave me a cardlike print of a young girl crumpled into Christ's lap. At the top, it says, "Trust me." This is one of the most peaceful images to me, and when I feel desperate and hysterical I imagine myself as that girl Jesus is comforting.
I am so sorry for your anxiety- I've been there (unable to stop sobbing) and it's truly miserable. I've been on my knees literally crying out and begging God for relief.
Soundbound is right on. You are so blessed to have a loving husband and supportative family and friends in your immediate life (and all of US!
), but I know it doesn't always take away the crummy feelings.Someone (???- if you read this, please take credit
) on these boards once posted, "Depression is living in the past, while anxiety is living in the future." That really hit home with me because I like to dwell and what if- recovering control freak. I try really hard to live in the here and NOW (sometimes it's easier than others). Look around- what simple pleasures do you hear, feel, see, taste, smell?I also don't know what I would do without my faith. I'm not sure what your religious background is, but the Lord always provides. When I look back at especially miserable life events, everything has served a purpose. Even now, posting to to you- if I hadn't shared your fears, concerns, and anxiety, I wouldn't be able to be compassionate and reach out.
I guess I'm babbling now... but know everyone here supports you and my prayers are with you.
Warm hugs,
Emily
Oh, years ago my grandma gave me a cardlike print of a young girl crumpled into Christ's lap. At the top, it says, "Trust me." This is one of the most peaceful images to me, and when I feel desperate and hysterical I imagine myself as that girl Jesus is comforting.
Hi again -
Sunbound - you are absolutly right. My fear centers around "what if" thinking. What if I'm too anxious to be married. But the "truth" is, I was anxious way before I met my wonderful partner, and I bet I'll have everything thing from mild everyday anxiety all the way to complete breakdowns (like today) weather or not I'm married. So to be anxious and think it's my marriage causing it just doesn't really make sence. The hard part is to remeber that when I'm in the midst of the spiral downward, if that's even possible.
Pecos - You're also spot on about the pace causing me to unravel. We arrived in town last friday and are already meeting w/ realtors. So you know that whole list of top stessors, getting married, buying a house, changing jobs, trying to have a baby, yep, that would cause a non-anxious person some anxiety. Add that wicked combo to someone (me) w. an anxiety disorder and BOOM, mental breakdown.
Fischee - Again, like the the kind posters before you, you've also reminded me of something I actually "know" but can't seem to remeber in these situations. My anxiety starts to spiril to un managible levels when i start to scare myself into thinking thoughts about situations that haven't even happened yet. Fear now, reality later? Again, hasn't worked in the last 20 years of my anxiety disorder, and yet, I continue to repeat the patten.
Thank you all for your replies, the support helps take an edge off. Your kindness helps me remeber that I'm not in this alone. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Sunbound - you are absolutly right. My fear centers around "what if" thinking. What if I'm too anxious to be married. But the "truth" is, I was anxious way before I met my wonderful partner, and I bet I'll have everything thing from mild everyday anxiety all the way to complete breakdowns (like today) weather or not I'm married. So to be anxious and think it's my marriage causing it just doesn't really make sence. The hard part is to remeber that when I'm in the midst of the spiral downward, if that's even possible.
Pecos - You're also spot on about the pace causing me to unravel. We arrived in town last friday and are already meeting w/ realtors. So you know that whole list of top stessors, getting married, buying a house, changing jobs, trying to have a baby, yep, that would cause a non-anxious person some anxiety. Add that wicked combo to someone (me) w. an anxiety disorder and BOOM, mental breakdown.
Fischee - Again, like the the kind posters before you, you've also reminded me of something I actually "know" but can't seem to remeber in these situations. My anxiety starts to spiril to un managible levels when i start to scare myself into thinking thoughts about situations that haven't even happened yet. Fear now, reality later? Again, hasn't worked in the last 20 years of my anxiety disorder, and yet, I continue to repeat the patten.
Thank you all for your replies, the support helps take an edge off. Your kindness helps me remeber that I'm not in this alone. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You know whats funny, last nigt when I was typing my reply to you all, by the end I felt so much calmer. And Pecos, your "irons on the fire" analogy is similar to how I describe a breakdown. I have an anxiety disorder, always have, but 95% of the time it's in check, no biggie. Right now, I describe it as "on fire" and that's want leads to the breakdown.
I woke up this morning and cried, then took a yoga class and was actually crying as I paid my money. Half way throuogh the class, I had a sence of calm. Knowing that I can get through this, I've been here before, it does get better. The moment was fleeting, but at least it was a moment and at the very least I know those moments exist, so that's reassuring.
I picked up my prescription for Zoloft yesterday, it's another stuggle that I have that I don't "want" to need meds. Its so hard to get to a place of acceptance that I need them.
So for now, I'm off to the park, sunglasses on face so I can walk and cry without looks of pity. Then this afternon, lucky me gets to meet with the realtor again to go house hunting. This is such a big source of panic for me. But my husband only gets 30 days of temp housing paid for from his company (we moved due to a requested job transfer) so it's not like I can put it to the side until I "feel better".
So, the iron gets placed on the fire again, I will try not to cry infront of the realtor.
This is temporary, I know this, but keep forgetting....
The sincere compasion from you all is a huge support, thank you. Of course family memebers mean well, they so want to help, but anxiety/depression is something that truly only makes sence to people who have been through it.
So thank you. I'm hanging on to this online life line for dear life.
- K
I woke up this morning and cried, then took a yoga class and was actually crying as I paid my money. Half way throuogh the class, I had a sence of calm. Knowing that I can get through this, I've been here before, it does get better. The moment was fleeting, but at least it was a moment and at the very least I know those moments exist, so that's reassuring.
I picked up my prescription for Zoloft yesterday, it's another stuggle that I have that I don't "want" to need meds. Its so hard to get to a place of acceptance that I need them.
So for now, I'm off to the park, sunglasses on face so I can walk and cry without looks of pity. Then this afternon, lucky me gets to meet with the realtor again to go house hunting. This is such a big source of panic for me. But my husband only gets 30 days of temp housing paid for from his company (we moved due to a requested job transfer) so it's not like I can put it to the side until I "feel better".
So, the iron gets placed on the fire again, I will try not to cry infront of the realtor.
This is temporary, I know this, but keep forgetting....
The sincere compasion from you all is a huge support, thank you. Of course family memebers mean well, they so want to help, but anxiety/depression is something that truly only makes sence to people who have been through it.
So thank you. I'm hanging on to this online life line for dear life.
- K