Time for a Change - Wanting to leave my Fiance'

Mistybloo2 · Post by **Mistybloo2** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 3:44 am

Good Morning All,

I really need some advice about my relationship. I know that Lucinda talks about not making major decisions while going through the program, but something inside of me feels ready to end things with him now. I am on week 7 and realizing how much anxiety I have over my relationship with him due to my passiveness and his aggressiveness.

I've been with my fiance since July 2004. we have had, to say the least, a very tumultuous relationship. I need to share the details so that you understand where I come from:

We met in the summer of 2004 and our dating was extremely infrequent for the first 8 months. I would always express the fact that I wanted to see him more, since the times we were together were fantastic. He has a young daughter and always told me, since his divorce, his daughter was first priority for the time being. I understood and tried my best to be ok with seeing him once a month or so.

In the fall of 2005, because of a situation with his Landlord, he told me that he is moving to NY to live with his step mom while he looks for another place. This is when my depression really started to hit, because we were living 10 minutes away and I couldn't barely see him as it was for almost a year, and with him leaving to another state, I knew that we would see each other less! He assured me that it was only temp. He also told me that I couldn't see him at his Step mom's because she didn't like african-americans! I was so hurt and shocked.

He remained in NY the entire time. I was only able to see him maybe every other weekend for a few hours and I could never understand why.

Finally I decided to move on my own and ivited him to live with me in the winter of 2006. He told me at the time he needed to save and wouldn't be able to move until May or June. So eventually he moved in. we fought like cats and dogs from day 1. I felt that something just wasn't right with him. I expressed to him that since we were living together at that point, I wanted to meet his daughter. He told me that he thought it wasn't a good idea, because, like his step mom, his "ex-wife" didn't like african-americans either. My depression and confusion increased dramtically and I was on a down hill spiral since the summer we met.

Over the summer of 2006, we had a major argument and he said it was over, packed up all of his things and left me. I was stunned and confused and everything else. I forgot to mention that he had asked to marry me the christmas prior to this and I thought we were on the road to starting our life together.

Anyway, off he left. I was so distraught, I frantically called around looking for him and since I have never met anyone in his family or any friends, the only name I remembered was his step mom. So I found her name in the phone book. Long story short, she told me that he never lived there and she hadn't seen him in years!

I will wrap this story up soon lol. From that conversation I found out that he was still married and that was why I couldn't meet his daughter. It gets worse, six months later I find out that that where he was living in NY was with another woman.. who he was engaged to!!
He broke it off with her immediately over the phone and I was on the other line. And because I heard him break it off, I had peace of mind that it was over. This was Dec 18th of 2006. I left him for a couple of months. then decided to get back with him in May 2007 (six months later)

We have been back together since then. Its been exactly a year and one month since all of this has occured and things are calm for the most part. He has apologized and tried to explain all that happened.

The issue is, after everything that has happended since 2004, even though I have forgiven him, I don't want to be with him any longer. Its time to move on, I've been hurt too much and I just want to focus on me and my life now. But I don't know if now's the time to do it because I am so depressed. Should I wait to feel better before making such a major change

???

Please someone help me out

Misty

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 4:37 am

Wow , that is really a rough situation. If your unhappy and its making your life miserable than maybe this is what you need to do. Make sure you think it through, and look at every aspect of your relationship first. As far as his step mother or ex wife not like African Americans, well that is something the two of you need to talk about , if you do get married how would you associate with his family. A lot of people have issues with inter racial relationships but come to terms when the realize that the person makes their ( family member) happy. I in am one now and for a few years my boyfriends family wasn't to approving , but when they realized how much he loved me and how good i was to him they opened up.

My advice finish the program. Get all the tools you need and then make the decision. Good Luck to you

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 4:37 am

Hi Misty

I know it is said that you shouldn't make a major decision during this healing process but after reading your post I think you are in a very unhealthy relationship and it will serve you to get out and seek answers within yourself as to why you wanted to be with a man who clearly was not right for you and actually chose to have you believe you were not "acceptable" than to fess up to his lies. You deserve much better and work on yourself in the meantime to really believe that. I've been in bad relationships, other have too so please don't feel this to be harsh. Its time to remember your worth.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 5:01 am

Thank you Diggy and Diva, You are both absolutely right. I feel so run down and guilty that I let him treat me this way over the years. I am worth more than that, even though my low self esteem keeps me thinking that I'll never find anyone else and he's all I have. I know this is just my depression and I will be fine and get through this. I really appreciate the advice. Please pray that God will give me the courage to step out of this.

Misty

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 5:08 am

Hi There.

I have to relate 100% as I am sitting here at work this morning crying and yes, feeling terribly depressed wanting to self medicate the crap out of myself.. however, here I am. I am in session 6 now and doing ok. I was doing better before when it was all new.. nonetheless I have also made a decision to change from my current relationship. I cannot say we have as many intense problems as your situation but ultimately we do not communicate or work together well.. I found an apartment, paid and am now very upset with myself about the whole thing.. I feel I moved too quickly and rashly.. I stray quite a bit from my relationship and once I do (which I did last weekend) I feel better and then do not want to move however, ultimately there are reasons I do this and it isnt fair to either of us- it isnt insecurity as much as Im not getting what I need from this relationship. I wish I could write my situation out for you as I think we could relate a lot but time is not available right now..I just wanted to tell you that sometimes you must take care of number one, you must want more and better for yourself, thats the bottom line. Your situation is just plain hurtful and I think the farther away you get the better you'll be. Sometimes relizing your anxious triggers allows you to curb them better and recover on a healthier basis..

Please feel free to PM me and spill more (I need more information like does he currently reside with you?), I would certainly enjoy reading and trust me sister, you are so not alone!

I am so lost and depressed about everything I want to dig a hole- climb in- and never come out.. but I do have hope.. somewhere deep down.

ohstra · Post by **ohstra** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 5:31 am

Misty.

I think that this relationship is not healthy for you....you are a wonderfully giving and forgiving person to have overcome so much and allowed this man back into your life but I think you need to follow your own head not your heart.

This program teaches us that we are strong and in control of our own destiny by the way we think and feel and this person has caused you so much greif and distruction of trust. Its so hard to walk away from something we feel is safe even if its not healthy but you must.

There is a person out there that will love you for the wonderfull person you are. He will love all the things about you, the color of your skin, the feelings you feel, the way you walk everything. I know it sounds corney and fairy talelike but I believe that what we think becomes and if we want it it will happen.

We do it to ourselves all the time in the negative so why cant it be in the positive. All those years of lying to you and living a double life is just not right. Its not love. Its cruel. You need to shut the door on that guy and open yourself up to something better that is just waiting to be found.

Congratulations on the program and for the insight to come here and get the answers you search for. You are a very very strong woman. Dont forget that.

Dodger

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 5:40 am

As soon as I read about not wanting his daughter to meet you and visiting him very little I figured he was up to something. Here is the deal, drop this jerk like a hot-tater!

Trust me he is doing more harm than good and I assure you that Lucinda did not mean a situation like this. I'm willing to bet that your problems with anxiety and depression will start clearing up with out this fool in your life

Seriously, anyone who lies like that then MAKES up a story that paints racism to cover his lies? WOW that's just twisted. You cannot have genuine love or respect for him and you deserve way better! Kick him out, work on loving you

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 6:27 am

Sorry Mistybloo, but I smell a rat. This guy is playing the field for his own personal gain. There may not be anyone at this moment, but this guys track record pretty much stinks. I would not trust him, he has not proven himself trustworthy! I agree with everything Rachel said...drop this guy like a hot tater. This guys is beyond deceptive. You deserve better and owe it to yourself. You CAN do better without the stress.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 6:54 am

I kind of know what you are going throught. I am going through a divorce. We have been married 9 years and dated 7 before that. We have 2 kids. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. But we always argued and I think that caused alot of my anxiety and panic attacks. I just hope that we all can heal from all of this that we are going through. You just never know what is going to happen in your life.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jan 21, 2008 7:23 am

It is sooo hard to face the truth about this... Thank you so much for the responses. I NEED to move on for sure and I have thought the same thing that most of my anxiety/depression, if not all, will subside when I finally let this go. Thank God for these tools on the program, I can't imagine trying to make a change like this with out them!

Misty