Having trust issues - need advise

ellkay · Post by **ellkay** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 4:53 am

I am married to my husband of 5 years. We have a real close couple friend (husband/wife) that we hang out with regularly. We have been close friends for quite some time. Probably too close - sometimes we'd joke that if you didn't know us you wouldn't know who was married to who. we have always been very comfortable with that. Well..... the last 4-5 times we were together my husband and my friend (the wife) seemed too close for comfort. I let it go a couple times and then about the 3rd time I said something to my husband - he understood why I felt that way and agreed it was inappropriate. The next time we were together they acted pretty much the same. I didn't say anything. Then the next time it was obvious to everyone. So I said something to her husband - at first he was upset and agreed they were acting inappropriate. He talked to her, I talked to my husband and they both said nothing is going on. Well, the 3 of them have moved on and I am just not moving on. I can't get over it. I feel like I have been betrayed by them both and I just can't get myself to forgive and move on. Its making me crazy. I have told them all how I feel - I really don't have anything else to say to them but its just not getting any easier for me. The other hard part of this is I work with her. Every day I seem to get more mad at her and I am somebody who wears her emotions on her sleeve so I am sure its starting to show. I could use some advise - because I can't stay like this.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 5:32 am

Hi. If you observed they were too close, believe your eyes. It's not okay for people to be dishonest and misbehave, and when they are caught to turn around and point at the person who caught them. It's like the person who cuts themselves on broken glass while breaking into a shop, then they sue the shop owner. I have similar history issues with dishonest men, and the women they pick to misbehave with. My triumph has been those women turn out to be THEIR biggest nightmare. Your husband needs to get real and tell the truth about what's going on. There is an old saying, from where it came, I don't know: Clean hands make a happy life. It is a metaphor for being honest, and that honesty is a good clean feeling. YOU have no closets full of dirt. You can PM me if you want. Trust what you saw. You didn't imagine what you saw. Trouble is, the negative things you are going to put in your mind are not part of what you saw. Try to keep the facts and fiction separate, and deal only with the facts. The fictitious "what if" will really keep you awake and sick. Take care and kind regards, Pecos.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:37 am

Thank you for your response. They both know they were inappropriate - just didn't pay attention to how it looked and that it made me uncomfortable. I do believe "nothing else" happened - I just can't move on. Should I remain friends with her? I could talk to her but she has excepted blame and that they were just goofing around. The problem is they have moved on and I haven't or can't. Should I? How do I? I know your probably not an expert but I am really searching for help...... thanks for listening.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:58 am

Ellkay,
You have to remeber a marriage is about trust. If your husband and her both saw what they did wrong and felt that they might have gone to far then you need to accept that. Now if they didn't fine anything wrong with it then thats when it is time to worry. I would not stop being friends with her but I would decrease the amount of time you guys spend together. I don't think there is anything going on with them or they would definilty find a way to hide it instead of doing it in front of you. It sounds like her husband is backing you up as well and if that is the case then you are good to go. Just remember you can't make yourself crazy over something like that. If you do it will start effectiing your marriage and your relationship and you don't want that to happen. As soon as your husband find that you don't trust him things will start going down hill. Put yourself in his shoes and remeber you would want him to let it go if it were you. But let him know he gets one chance and only one and whatever he decides to do with it is what will be the deciding factor. I think you should let it go for now and just continue to monitor how things go.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:02 am

Are you on this program? I began Session Six today. All the sessions are helpful with my issues: my parents both died this past year, and my relationship hit the rocks. I don't know how much of what you are worried about is fact, and how much is the fiction you tell yourself -- the negative self talk and "what if" stuff, which is all dealt with in this program. Take Lucinda's advice. Work this entire program, don't make changes until you get yourself in a good position of healthy thinking, then make your decisions. You don't know all the information, but please don't imagine it, and fill in all the empty places with your nightmares. Trust yourself, trust your instincts, and know that when you see something, you saw it, okay? Best wishes, Pecos.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 10:35 am

I don't want to sound like the bearer of bad news here, but I have been where you are. Women were blessed with instinct and we should always listen to it. If what they were doing was enough to alarm you and her husband, then there is probably something there. I have been married 7 years next month and during our 2nd year of marriage my husband had an affair with a girl he works with. Looking back now, I ignored a lot of signs, a lot of suspicions and a lot of things that did not add up. I didn't want to believe it, so I made excuses and chose not to listen to what my mind and heart was telling me. We made it through, but only after he admitted the truth, lots of counseling, and faith in God. Now I leave by the saying "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". Good luck.

Boon · Post by **Boon** » Tue Jul 22, 2008 12:46 am

Knowing my husband the way I do - I do believe it was an honest (stupid)mistake or way to act. I have faith in him and our marriage - Did I mention she is my best friend? So I have to try and have faith in our friendship too.

As far as her husband backing me up - well he's over it and completely convinced that it was nothing more then being friendly. So I can only hope he'll keep his eyes open from here on out.

I saw what I saw and I am hoping and praying it was just taking their friendshiptoo far.

When I confronted her about the situation she was not only worried about my husband but how she acts around other men and what their wives think of her.

I had a looooong talk with my husband last night and feel better about things today. I am still going to rely on my instincts and if ANYTHING else happens or makes me suspicious for one second - our friendship with them will come to a screaching hult! I am not letting my husband off the hook either - well I'll cross that bridge "if" I get there.

Thank you all for listening.

P.S. Pecos - I am sorry to here about your parents. I can relate to you - please read my public profile. If you need to chat - please feel free to PM me. Take care!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jul 22, 2008 3:09 am

I just wanted to say I have been through this kind of thing also in my life. It tore me apart for a long time - about 3 years of "what if". I didn't want to believe it. I kept my eyes open at all times and went with my instincts. I have become closer friends with this person and now he doesn't seem to talk to her much. I like your thought of "clean hands". I am sleeping more than 2 hours a night. I thought I would never get over that part. I was to the point I couldn't even talk to "anyone" because I didn't want people to think it was me. I finally went to talk to a counselor one time and it really helped me. I haven't told my husband. I am finally talking to my friends and starting to really get my life back. I am just so tired of all the worrying. Enough is enough. Time to move on. Thanks for your posts. It helped to hear all of your comments.