Dear Diary

[Loveslife]

PS

Diary, I told my psychiatrist that I resent everyone now, mostly all of my stepchildren. I really, really resent them. I don't know why. Dr. Welby told me not to act on my emotions. Not to trust them. She said that I am going through so much right now, so much pain, that I am bound to have roller coaster emotions all over the place but they won't be real.

They sure feel real. But I won't get angry at anyone. I'll just type. and type. and type. and type.

PPS

I grew up next door to the "golden boy" from High School. He was the alpha and all the other boys wanted to be his friend. His older brother is a fading famous actor. They were horrible to me. They bullied me almost every day.

Golden boy once pushed me in the woods and started beating me until suddenly he ran away. His brother once tried to molest me in my car when I gave him a ride home because he was too drunk to drive. I kicked him out of my car onto the golf course.

I have kept all of this inside of me for years, and still see the family from time to time.

Well diary, do you know?? My FB friend wrote a novel based on Golden boy. I read it in one day. It is the sweetest, dearest most tender novel anyone could ever read.

I wrote the first review on Amazon. David is so touched. That's what he said.

He was bullied horribly by Golden boy too. Now, there is a novel out based on him.

Karma lives.

PPS

His name is not really Golden boy. I made that up.

PPPS

I told Brooke that she has a book in her, as she is a beautiful writer. She really does have a book inside of her. When she is better, maybe she will write it.

[SoWhatif]

Oh contrare Young Lady J. You are helping most all you contact. It is of their loss when they deny,use or abuse the priviledge. Da I can,t spell.... J Brooke is in a hard place to stay positive. I do believe you are right on the money about her building a nutrition schedule. Please listen to the Doc. as she is correct that when we react from emotion many times it is not going for the correct goal. It is hard and especially for us that over think things. I have been getting my Mom a care giver and friend to visit and get her eating. She has no appetite but when enticed and started eating she does eat alot....
I would ask that the hate your carrying be feed with Love for YOU. tHE ROAD OR TRIP THAT IS LAID OUT BEFORE YOU IS VERY BUMPY, CURVY AND DOWN RIGHT DANGEROUS IN SPOTS. wITH PRETHOUGHT, PLANNING AND CAUTIOUS DEPLOYMENT YOU WILL TRAVERSE IT and mature with a whole new you that is very kind, thoughtful and endureing. Sorry about the caps, should watch the screen more often while two fingering the keyboard.

I was not sure how to reply in the recent posts in the diary so I did not. Now I see it was maybe to be that way. God most certinally does surprise us with new knowledge that we often do not know what we do not know even when it is right in front of us. When it happens it is just amazing.
The no eye contact leads to a very lonely and cold existance and it is sad. But that is incarceration and it is the current facts. Her desire and well being I am sorry to say is alot dependant on your consistancy as all of her other things are fluid. She is blessed to have you for a anchor of faith and outlook. Be carefull to not wear you down trying to keep up, ok.

The saying goes, let the dead bury the dead, while you have chosen life.

Thanks for helping me today Jamie....


R

[tina martin]

Well, I have not known what to say either. Words don't present themselves as readily as before since I've had my share of a wake up call. Now, you know, I respect everyone else's Lord, though mine never listened to millions in total despair. So here is Buddha form my daybook: Do not dwell in the past. Do not dream of the future (though Brooke can and should). Concentrate on the present moment (Brooke can embrace herself and ignore the others).

Also, I've been big into meditation. Can't praise it enough. Jon Kabat-Zinn is a worthwhile professional guide. Hoping for the best.....XO, XO, XO.......T

[Loveslife]

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO to both T. and R.

I can't thank you enough for simply being here.

~ LOVE AND PEACE ~

J.

PS

R., Thank you, I WILL try to channel my anger into love for myself. Great advise.
T., I am teaching Brooke about mindfulness, which might be a form of meditation. I'm not sure. I need to learn to meditate.

and

T., In my opinion, God works in mysterious ways. I know he seemingly wasn't listening to the millions upon millions that lost their lives when you were a child. But he was there in someway, somehow, as he is for the suffering and the down trodden.

We just don't know how he was there, but I'm sure he was there.

Love Always,
J.

PPS

R and T, both your mother and your brother are in my prayers.

XO

[tina martin]

Knew there was something missing: no PS posting nor PPS posting. Now all is well.

Jamie, you are being super heroic with Brooke. A mother's heart. Maybe you can try meditation with her: just sit together in silence, eyes closed and each tries to focus on slow breaths in (nose), slow breaths out (mouth). Expect the mind to wander. Fine. Just bring it back to the moment. Meditation and CBT and exercise are my lifelines. Am also into Qigong (easier than Tai Chi, or so I think). All worth a try with Brooke to find a path of calming, of reason, of optimism. Yes, it is possible. Bring her lilacs for aromatherapy.

[LyndaLu]

I was not sure how to reply in the recent posts in the diary so I did not.
R

This is exactly the way that I have been feeling. I am new to this Dear Diary post and don't always know how to reply.
I just want to say to J that I feel that you are the strongest and bravest person I have ever "met". I mean it.
Everything that you have had to go through and you still survive. You are so great with Brooke and always give
her hope. I just finished reading The 7 Wonders That Will Change Your Life and I really enjoyed the book. I believe
that you said you were bringing this book to Brooke to read. The book really re-affirmed my faith in God ( I knew
something was missing from my life ). I am so glad to hear that you are keeping yourself healthy along the way,
we all need to do that no matter what. Just want you to know that I am supporting you in your journeys and I
will always be here to listen if you need an ear. PS: I think that YOU should write a book too, I think there is one
in there somewhere, I mean it ! PSS: I hope my words are coming out right and that they say what I really mean,
you are such a good writer.
Lynda Lu

[LyndaLu]

I have been getting my Mom a care giver and friend to visit and get her eating. She has no appetite but when enticed and started eating she does eat alot....R

R, I just wanted to tell you what a strong and capable caregiver you have been for your mother. I know that you
really care about her welfare and that you love her, it shows. It sounds like she is doing a lot better now and
that the extra support will be a great help. God Bless.
Lynda Lu

[LyndaLu]

T, I just started reading a book titled "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times" by Pema Chodron.
Pema Chodron is an American Buddhist nun. I guess I am looking to read books that contain
a lot of different perspectives on life and living.It can't hurt to get an idea of all that is going on in the world.
I guess I am searching and seeking wisdom of all kinds.

Lynda Lu

[LyndaLu]

Dear Diary:

I just wanted to write about my mother today, as I just spent the weekend over at her place.

I know that she cannot live forever, but I am just not ready for anything to happen to her, health-wise.

I don't think I am strong enough to cope if something happens to her. She has lung problems due to

her smoking for most of her life. She is on oxygen 24 hours a day now. Her heart is bad as well, she

has an erratic and irregular heartbeat. Lately her pulse and blood pressure have been a major concern.

She visits all of her doctors and then they change her meds and send her home. She WAS in the hospital

for a pretty serious heartbeat / blood pressure issue this Spring and she is still not fully recovered from that.

She is almost a shut in, although she STILL sometimes drives her car ( which scares me ). She will drive

herself a few blocks over to the grocery store or a mile down the road to her local drugstore. I don't

think she should be driving anymore, but she probably wants to hold on to what little independence

she has. Did I say her eyes are bad and her hearing too ! And she is DRIVING, UGH.


She DOES get visitors which I think really helps her through the week. She has a caregiver that comes in

twice a week to help her out. She has a church-lady that comes to visit her once a week to deliver the

church sermon CD to her. The minister stops by occassionally to give her communion. Even the church

flower lady stops by to deliver my mom some flowers every once in a while. In the Spring-time my

Aunt is in town for a couple months, while she is in town she visits my mom every day and helps her

out as far as being a great friend ( this is one of my mom's younger sister ).


I just spent the weekend over at my mom's place , keeping her company , and it also keeps me

from being lonely too. We usually read, watch tv, play some card games, enjoy small meals together.

I did her grocery shopping for her yesterday. I picked up the Sunday paper for her at Circle K this

morning. She has all her brains about her, which is great, BUT her body is going down-hill.

She still takes care of her own affairs, such as bill paying and everything like that. She really is smarter

than I am about some things. She owns a small condo. She lives on Social Security and state health

insurance. She is on a limited income.


( My mom lives alone. My dad died in 2005 of lung and bone cancer. He also had had one of his

legs amputed below the knee. ) ( PS: Don't smoke. I mean it. It has caused my parents great

hardships . All of their health problems are/were related to their smoking cigarettes all of their lives. My mom

quit smoking in 2004, but by 2006 it was too late ... she almost died of pneumonia. Smoking not

only affects the lungs but the heart as well. )


My sister made ME the Power of Attorney for my mom because my sister lives out of state, thanks Sis ?

I can barely take care of myself in my little life, I really don't know how I would be able to take care

of someone elses affairs after they pass away or get severely ill ? My sister is more knowledgable, why

can't she be the Power Of Attorney. This whole POA sort of scares me. I don't know if I could handle

the responsibility of it all ? Well, I have rambled on enough about my mom. She is just on my mind

today ( and every day ).

Lynda Lu

[forever young 06]

Lynda Lu,
I know how you feel about your mom. I have been there, I helped my mom for yrs and even when she went in the nursing home. I felt like you I couldn't face losing her she was 87 she had been around a long time but it finally happens and I made it thru when you are faced with things you can't run away from you have to get thru them and you do and better than you thought. mom wasnt happy in the nursing home they had some staff that mom couldn't get along with they didn't understand her and couldn't relate to her she was a very negative person and she and I had our differences but I did the best I could under the circumstances. Live changes it doesn't stay the same we lose friends family and things go on. I don't like change but can't stop it. I lost my job and didn't know what I was going to do still don't I am 58 yrs old hard to start over now. I really just want to lay down and never get up I know that is not the answer. It is a scarey world out there and some times I want to crawl under a rock but I have to go on I need to find my place in live I hope I can. I just want to encourage you to enjoy these times with your mother cherish them some day this is what you will draw from. do as much as you can you won't regret it. this is the circle of life some coming in others going out can't stop it this is the way it has always been it can't be stopped even though we don't like the going out part we can't stop it.