The Challenge...Lesson 7

[NinjaFrodo]

Moorey Moaner Method(alternative to antiwhiner)

1)Find a way to agree
2)Distract moaner by finding something positive in the complaint and commenting on it.

Example #1
Moaner; Oh, What in the world can I ever do about my daughter? I'm afraid she's been smoking pot again.

Response; There sure is alot of pot going around these days. Is your daughter still doing that outstanding art work? I heard she recently got an award.

Example #2
Moaner; My boss didn't give me my raise and my last raise was nearly a year ago. I've been here for 20 years and I deserve it.

Response; You certainly do have seniority here and you've made tremendous contributions. Tell me, what was it like when you first started working 20 years ago? I'll bet things were alot diffrent then.

Example #3
Moaner; My husband never seems to have enough ttime at home. Every night he's out with the darned bowling league.

Response;Weren't you also doing some bowling recently? I heard you got some pretty high scores yourself!

Mike

[mcshope]

Mike,

I can relate to the difficulty getting a routine to go to bed, I don’t like to be tossing and turning in bed without being able to sleep. Since I’m not working my schedule has been a mess, and since the surgery I am having more trouble falling asleep. I have learned a few things, 1. To go to bed at the same time every night. 2. To not watch TV in bed (a difficult one for me). 3. To read something inspirational. 4. Avoid eating late at night. I listen to one of my hypnosis CD’s, which usually does the trick. I also take 10 mg. of melatonin every night. If I’ve been tossing and turning I also tell myself “If you look at the clock one more time, you will have to get out of bed and go clean the kitchen”… that is like an ultimatum, and somehow makes me fall asleep. If I don’t, then I get out of bed and clean the kitchen, but I only have done that once.

I agree that you need to receive payment when you give shiatsu treatments. You are a trained professional and you deserve to be compensated for it. When I had my own practice, it wasn’t easy to establish an appropriate rate. I would have a maximum and a minimum, and I would work around the patient’s economical possibilities. Do you have a business card?... I think shiatsu can be a great source of income. I agree with THH, you can give your services for free, but make it as a gift, and make it clear that it is a gift. With the print shop, sometimes we give printing as a gift, for example, for a friend’s wedding, we printed the invitations as our wedding gift.

As a suggestion, when you write your goals, it sounds to me like they are accomplishments, things that you already did… am I right?... Call them accomplishments, and feel proud of them.

About your questions of being assertive on Lucinda’s tape… I think it depends on your attitude, the person more easily will accept if you are calm and you are not upset. If that person is a significant person in my life, I would make an effort to express how I felt, but if the person is not significant, maybe I would just let it go. Yes, that person could not accept to be pulled aside, then just let it go. As long as you don’t believe what he/she says.

Thank you for the notes on self-esteem, they are really useful.

Hope

[mcshope]

THH

I’m with you on learning to be my own safe person, however I also have to learn to trust others. I have been quite independent and you can say that I don’t trust too many people. I am good giving advice, but I don’t ask for advice. I don’t know why, I also don’t like to ask for favors. So I have to learn that.

Hope

[mcshope]

Lindalee

It is not easy to be assertive with someone who yells in order to be the one who has the last word. Have you tried to write to him?... In the past I have written letters to people who were not good at listening. At least that way they have to read the whole thing before start yelling and screaming. Also with a letter you can review it and check if it is really what you want to say.

I was watching a documentary on TV about food, they said that sugar is an addiction. Which means that you have to take it slow, as any addiction, baby steps.

Hope

[mcshope]

Karen

It takes a lot of strength to realize that we must meet our limitations, you have been doing a good job at that.

About the dating, take your time. When my husband and I met, we were not looking for a date, just a new friend to talk, it took a little to get to know each other and a little more to trust. So, take your time, get to know your new friend. The only rule, complete honesty, which is the only way to make a cyber-relationship grow. Let him know the real you, that way if things advance, you will know it is for who you really are.

Hope

[mcshope]

Jamie

I’m sorry to hear that you had some difficult days, I hope you are feeling better. Are you taking any medication for your depression?... I used to have very deep ups and downs, with days not even wanting to get out of bed. I have been on medication for that and it has helped a lot. The anxiety is a different story. At least with the medication I have to deal mainly with the anxiety, once I get that one under control I will start working on reducing the depression meds. I call them my happy pills and my tranquility pills. The happy pills are for the depression, the tranquility ones are for anxiety.

I haven’t heard of neurotherapy, sounds interesting. Let us know how it works for you. I would recommend the book : “Healing Depression the Mind-Body Way: Creating Happiness with Meditation, Yoga, and Ayurveda.” By Nancy Liebler and Sandra Moss . It is a new approach to depression and it make it very clear.

I also recommend the book “Eat, Drink, and Be Healthy: The Harvard Medical School Guide to Healthy Eating” by M.D. Walter C. Willett and P. J. Skerrett. It is great for getting an idea of what to eat and drink to stay healthy.

I have panic attacks just like you, my generalized anxiety has gone down, which is good. The depression is under control with medication. But I understand how difficult it is to have to deal with one and then the other.

Hope

[mcshope]

My ideas, opinions, feelings and needs matter. I deserve respect and I deserve to stand up for myself. When I'm assertive it doesn't matter how the other person responds because I am doing it for myself and not for them. No matter what response I get, I will continue to stick to my guns.

I went to the shop on again on Friday and I did good. I also went to Walmart and did some shopping. Once I am out and about, I enjoy being outside. This time I took the CD of lesson 7 with me, that kept my mind busy. I have learned that listening to Lucinda’s CD while driving works better than music.

Are we going to stay on lesson 7 until Wednesday?...
I still have to work on the workbook.

I hope everybody is having a nice Sunday

[NinjaFrodo]

My ideas, opinions, feelings and needs matter. I deserve respect and I deserve to stand up for myself. When I'm assertive it doesn't matter how the other person responds because I am doing it for myself and not for them. No matter what response I get, I will continue to stick to my guns.

Sataurday;

So I woke up at my friend's place a couple times. The first time I woke up and got really obsessive and afraid when I thought of how my friend didn't call me back when he usually does that day or the next day. I was imagining that he died and how I would have to deal with that and what it would mean to my life and I got really upset and then I said to myself, why am I scaring myself like this? After I just thought up a replacement in my head but did it on paper later on as well basically just writing down what I had remembered.

I woke up again and watched some youtube videos with my friend and he made some really good food and I did some posting here on the site. Later I just went home and I noticed that ya we both went to sleep pretty late and usually when I wake up in the morning I feel very very anxious like at a level 7 or 8 after getting to bed really late especially when sugar is involved (yeah we had sugar after doing the movie thing both a muffin and a pumpkin loaf, also hot chocolate so some caffine and mcDonalds fries so I got alot of salt as well). I was feeling at maybe a 4 or 5 instead which is what I normally feel so that was a nice realization.

I spent most of the day posting and figuring out how I wanted to post about the verbal judo (how you would approach criticism, & hurtful comments). I have one of the books that I wanted to draw from and I lent out another book which might have some further information which I'm going to see if I can get in the very near future before I post it.

Accomplishments
Posted
Didn't make a big deal about getting to sleep later
Didn't force myself to do alot of things
Thought replacement
Read a bit of a book

Thought replacement
1)My friend hasn't returned my calls, what-if he's dead and I go to his place and get in with the set of keys he lent me and I find his dead body and then have to tell his friends and how would I get through that?
[fortune telling]
(rebuttal)
->He may not have wanted to talk on the phone, he may have been visiting a friend, his phone might not have indicated there was a voicemail, or he maybe really stressed and preoccupied and just forgot to return the phone call.

2)My libido will get stronger along with the thoughts, I will become obsessive with my adult thoughts and lose control and hurt someone.
[Fortunte telling](Examine the evidence)
->I am becoming better at controlling my feelings and thoughts, I always have a choice on how I act and respond, if I choose to do something wrong that would be because I purposely disregard the negative consequences, if I don't control me and my thoughts then who does? Obsessive thoughts happen to distract myself form dealing with something I don't want to deal with and I am dealing with the things that need to be dealt with, I am also afraid of hurting others and probabbly go overboard to try to prevent this.


3)I have to put up the verbal judo today or else I will obsess about it.
[Fortune telling]
(Examine the evidence)
->I want to do this and I know I'll get it done, I decided to do it awhile ago but didn't obsess over it and I know how to handle obsessive thoughts now.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Ok this next clip is very important and isn't so much about assertiveness but more about emotions, memories and habits. It comes from the movie what the bleep do we know

Emotions
Addictions to emotions


It is because of this that we do the program over a period of time, why we continue to use the calming techniques, why we automatically respond in negative ways and how to change all that. It is also a big reason why I watch children's programing and am now trying to add things to my life that are enjoyable and happy. If you keep wiring together good positive emotions then it will be easier to call upon them and eventually you will automatically respond in a positive way. For me this movie has been so very inspiring and given me alot of hope and I hope it does the same for everybody else.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

mcshope;

Yeah not working has done that to me as well. There isn't much outside motivation to create a sleep schedual, we just have to motivate ourselves. Yes you did mention about this surgery affecting your sleep, what part of it do you think does that?

Sounds like you have it all figured out. I don't even watch the tv in my room at all, I play videogames on it sometimes but usually I go and do both in another room. Reading inspiration stuff tends to give me those ah-ha moments which then fill me with alot of extra energy. I agree with the eatting late, that ruins my sleep both getting to sleep and sleeping itself. Relaxation cd definately helps me but I haven't tried doing the melatonin thing for a consistant ammount of time. I also tend not to have a clock in my room. If i need an alarm i set my phone to go off and I put the phone away from my bed so i can't see it or turn it off without getting up.

Ya that gift thing sounds like a good idea or a 1 time sorta deal if someone never had shiatsu before. What did you do for a practice? What was your profession?

Ya that is a very good point. I'm not even sure why I worded it the other way. It is things I already did. I put them up there so I can feel good about what I did and so it builds confidence in myself.

Significant people are easier to handle in my opinion. Other people not so much but ya we pick and choose are battles. Perhaps if they aren't willing to be pulled aside just take a bit of a diffrent approach. Actually after going back to that book (feeling good), I realized you could just do it that way. You don't need to say something nice before-hand. You first question the labels and what the person means and get an idea of how they percieve it, you find some way to agree with what they say and then you say how you feel about it. I think that may work.

That was a book to help self-esteem. The notes themselves are used to approach irrational thoughts when we do the replacements. They are definately very useful which is why i've actually added them to my replacements. Honestly I feel a hole lot better doing them now then I did before-hand.

Oh good, you found something that works well with driving and being out. Awesome!

I still haven't figure out when we switch. I mean from what I noticed I was the only one who started on monday and everybody else started on wednesday. I might make it go until the next monday. There is still many things I want to share for this lesson and this is a big lesson for the program.


Mike