I'll throw this in in case anyone wants to consider it or thinks it may have some relevance. I warn everone before I say anything else that my question/comment concerns male sexuality, is not intended to offend anyone, but concerns my own life, experience, and I believe, based upon a number of men I have talked to and books I have read, that it also applies to at least 50% of the males in the U.S., and perhaps as many as 90% of males. If StressCenter chooses to delete this post, I understand. It is a sensitive topic.
I found the program to be extremely beneficial as I have posted numerous times on the forum and it continues to be a resource I consult and refer to continually as I meet new psychological challenges in my daily llfe. One thing I didn't pick up from the program, or perhaps missed picking up, was how to deal with circumstances where you feel (1) that you are the problem or the cause of the problem, and (2) the problem is extremely serious.
On the tapes, most, if not all of the people talking have suffered serious emotional and or physical harm from others, but were not the CAUSE of the problem. I found it difficult to identify with them at times because, in some cases, I was the cause of my own emotional turmoil, I was at fault, I was wrong. An example is my son and what he suffered from me when he was living at home. When something like this occurs you don't believe you have a right to feel better. You believe you are guilty and should suffer. It is difficult to forgive, to let go.
Another example is male sexuality and in particular, masturbation. I could be wrong, but in my talks with other men in a support group for sexual addicts, in my reading of books for the problem, and in other communications with men, I come away with the gut feeling that this is a unique problem for men because of the male hormone testosterone. I accept my own responsibility for my failure to stop the behavior. At the same time, I didn't have this problem before puberty, never thought about sex period before then. It is my gut feeling that most men struggle with this even if they are married. If marital sexual relations are good then there's not much if any problem for a lot of guys, and that was true for myself as well before beginning to have a problem with erectile dysfunction.
To put it simply, the hormone can be overwhelming to the point you aren't even thinking about sexual things and an orgasm and/or ejaculation occurs. That happened to me at age 12. I was simply climbing a rope in my cousin's back yard. That happened several times before I quit climbing the rope. The hormone, in my opinion, can make guys do things we normally wouldn't or ever think about if it were not in our bodies. That is not an excuse but, as I see it, what reality is.
So, my question is, if any male is involved in this type behavior, no matter what age, and can't stop it, how do we go about not feeling shame over it when it has been drilled into our heads since before puberty that it is wrong?
The 1948 Kinsey report on sexuality found that 90% of the males surveyed masturbated on a regular basis. I personally believe that we aren't all bad, but it's simply a normal behavior due to the level of testosterone in our bodies. My own conclusion about myself is that I may not be addicted, but exhibit normal behavior. But, I suspect there will be many well intentioned people who disagree with that. If you disagree, on what basis do you disagree? I respect biblical beliefs and have tried to reconcile this all my life with my own faith. The reality is that the hormone remains alive in me and other males and I assume it will until we die or decide to be castrated. How do we resolve such guilt when it doesn't appear to me that it is something which we originate but it is our bodies which cause the behavior? It is not psychologically induced, but chemically induced behavior.
I still do not have an answer to this, but have reconciled myself to tha facts. I have also discussed "my problem" at length with my wife.
Q & A with Lucinda
Hello i am Artep, i 've started the program and i am about to do session #3.
I understand -as the program suggests from the beguinning promisess i signed- to follow the program correctly ,not jumping around and be consistent.
I understand the program gives the warning that doing the program can be cause of more stress especially in the beguinning.
I am having that problem:
I have already went by two weeks before picking up the next session, and my perfectionist mind is already telling me i am doing it all wrong cuz I am not following correctly.
i am sort of managing to cope by telling myself that this is not easy, and that i have already taken a great step in starting.
it semi-helped me.
My most difficult conern is- that in following istructions as to watch my thoughts on a daily basis and change negative thoughts with positive ones- well I found myself demoralized at the end of the day. They are just so many. I am just bombarded with negative things which are so naturally automated to keep coming, that well my good intentions and effort don t seem to be quite enough, and I get angry. The latter parts of the day have always been the most difficult ones for me. depression usually comes in and well, I'd like to feel that i hhave made some step ahead at the end of the day.
Maybe my positive substitute thoughts don t 'feel' as strong yet?
How can I make them 'feel' stronger and powerful?
please advise.
thank you
Artep
I understand -as the program suggests from the beguinning promisess i signed- to follow the program correctly ,not jumping around and be consistent.
I understand the program gives the warning that doing the program can be cause of more stress especially in the beguinning.
I am having that problem:
I have already went by two weeks before picking up the next session, and my perfectionist mind is already telling me i am doing it all wrong cuz I am not following correctly.
i am sort of managing to cope by telling myself that this is not easy, and that i have already taken a great step in starting.
it semi-helped me.
My most difficult conern is- that in following istructions as to watch my thoughts on a daily basis and change negative thoughts with positive ones- well I found myself demoralized at the end of the day. They are just so many. I am just bombarded with negative things which are so naturally automated to keep coming, that well my good intentions and effort don t seem to be quite enough, and I get angry. The latter parts of the day have always been the most difficult ones for me. depression usually comes in and well, I'd like to feel that i hhave made some step ahead at the end of the day.
Maybe my positive substitute thoughts don t 'feel' as strong yet?
How can I make them 'feel' stronger and powerful?
please advise.
thank you
Artep
Hi new here i have been reading alot of what you all have been writing.This what gave me the guts to talk about this. The thing i am having the biggest problem with right now is forgetting the past. and the past is what is causing alot of my attacks.Also i am a man who has avery hard time talking about any of this.But i feel if i dont start talking and trusting i will loose much more than i can afford....I need help and i am trying.
This program helped me help myself in more ways than I could ever imagine. TY LUCINDA
I know it would cost money - but how about re - doing the sessions, w/ new people & diff circumstances - so that these circumstances & people reach out to a lger group of people. Sure, the situation they all went thru weren't pleasant, to say the least. However, I couldn't relate to none of them, @ all. While their "issues" were bad - group them together & they still don't cover 1/4 of the things folks on here deal w/. Everyone's background is different & as a result, their journey to recovery will differ as well. Now I know the program can't cover everything & it isn't going to. If, however, there were a more diversified group of people w/ varying backgrounds(coming fr somewhere other than OHIO)- IT WOULD BE THIS DIVERSITY that reaches out to people cause then they could relate.
LENORE
I know it would cost money - but how about re - doing the sessions, w/ new people & diff circumstances - so that these circumstances & people reach out to a lger group of people. Sure, the situation they all went thru weren't pleasant, to say the least. However, I couldn't relate to none of them, @ all. While their "issues" were bad - group them together & they still don't cover 1/4 of the things folks on here deal w/. Everyone's background is different & as a result, their journey to recovery will differ as well. Now I know the program can't cover everything & it isn't going to. If, however, there were a more diversified group of people w/ varying backgrounds(coming fr somewhere other than OHIO)- IT WOULD BE THIS DIVERSITY that reaches out to people cause then they could relate.
LENORE
Your greatest challenge isn't someone else. It's the aching i your lungs & the burning in your legs & the voice inside you that yells "CAN'T". But you don't listen. You push harder & hear the voice that whispers "CAN". An you realize that the person you thought you were is no match for the one you REALLY ARE.