Dear Diary

[Loveslife]

For Tina...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMA-_ElvKsk

Love,
J.

[tina martin]

Thank you, J. I'm so besotted with this song, dancing with all kinds of pantomime. Daydream of taping it, putting it on YouTube for Dr. K and all the friends I've loved and love. You know, I remember the first time scoochie gave me one of her "I Love You's." She gave them to everyone but it was a new experience. I remember my response too, "Hang around long enough and someone will love you."

Thank you, dear J. Hope you are well, having a good day, Love.............T

[bunny rabbit]

Dear Diary: Isn't it enough that I've been on grief overload by three major losses and now I'm being bombarded with stress from my daughter who is heading for Africa once again? I have no peace about this trip. Isn't it ironic that I just told my DH this morning how I felt totally used and abused by her neglect and rejection, giving my mother and her inlaws all her attention while she doesn't even return my phone calls to her, and yet we hear from her when she wants us to pet sit her animals, when she wants money or when she wants my emotional support for all her problems. Then I get a letter in the mail from her, open it and it is a request for money for her trip to Africa. There is no way on the planet she would treat her friends the way she does me. I feel angry. I want to tell her I have no peace about her going to Africa. But will this create even more problems with her then I already have? I don't know what to do? Should I just ignore the letter or let my husband deal with it and not say anything? He hates confrontation of any kind. My dear daughter is doing a Phd full time in part-time hours, has a full-time hospital job with the mentally ill, has a part time job with a crisis intervention team, is applying for foster children and attending parenting classes to do that, fund-raising for Africa, was considering leaving her marriage this past summer and who knows what else? Am I the only person in her life that believes she may be bi-polar and is totally manic at this stage? Am I the only one that is shaking my head in despair and wondering how much longer before this whole scene completely unravels? I'm sorry for venting but that's what a dear diary is for I think. Double Blessings to all from Bunny

[Loveslife]

Vent away, Bunny.

Yes, that is exactly what "dear diary" is for, and it gives us the chance to respond with insight, sometimes.

I hear two separate issues...

1. You feel resentment re: money and financing the trip for your daughter

2. You don't want your daughter to go to Africa.

She seems very accomplished, if that is your one daughter who has accomplished all that you have listed.

If she were able to finance her trip herself, why wouldn't you want her going to Africa?

I'm trying to zero in on the bigger problem, and of course you don't have to answer...I was just curious.

I agree, eventually our children need to learn to fly by themselves. Absolutely.

XO,
J.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi bunny rabbit- I might need to reread your posting, but I personally don't see why you need to pay for her trip to Africa. It does appear as you state it that she has too many pans in the fire! She will burn out...and what will become of her marriage, her job and future foster children. We had foster children while growing up and my mother was working a full time job and raising a Granddaughter. It was too much...

[Loveslife]

Yes, Bunny, Upon rereading your entry, I see things more clearly now. You are very stressed and feeling used.
I'm sorry re: my above post. Sometimes it's weird how projection gets in my way.
Again, I'm sorry for misinterpreting.
XO
J.

[bunny rabbit]

Thank you for your replies to my venting. I just sent an email to my daughter telling her that I feel unwanted, unloved, used and taken advantage of. I told her I wish I knew how to fix our relationship. I told her I felt very sad that I feel she doesn't like me as a person and doesn't want to spend time with me. I asked her what I need to do in order for her to be comfortable spending time with me. I've hit bottom being a doormat, putting everyone else first, putting everyone else needs and wants above my own. I've hit bottom with the death of my sister, where it all began when I was born being given a job of being her parent emotionally, living every day under the dark, black cloud of her wagonload of needs and frustrations, feeling guilty my whole life for being able-bodied and not disabled the way she was. I won't take it anymore. Enough is enough!!! Bunny

[tina martin]

Can't respond much to conflicts with children because my position is generally unpopular. I do not blame; instead, I take responsibility. We bring children into the world and are given great power in helping them to grow and develop. We are here to help them, or so I think. I don't suggest going along with what seems unreasonable, but we can meet them half way looking at ourself and listening to them.

My children are grown, are far away, removed from my life. Should I bemoan that? Should I fault them? Never. When they call I try to cheer them. Life is hard enough.

[bunny rabbit]

Tina: I hear you and I take responsibility for allowing myself to be a doormat, used and abused by my daughter. I take responsibility for not enforcing natural consequences. When you ignore and reject someone you don't turn around and expect them to give you money, look after your pets and support you like a therapist would listening to you go on and on about all your problems and not being the least concerned with what that listener is going through in her life. I have done these things because I love my daughter but it seems the reality is that I don't love her enough to teach her how to treat me. Bunny

[SoWhatif]

Bunny, your not alone. The school system has alot to do with teaching the narcasisim your speaking of. Have a heart to heart talk with the girl, ie adult if possible. Am I kinda reading abit of envy or spite in the words here? I even think I would be somewhat of a little envious myself of her achievments. I believe it is normal and that your concerns are valid. We do sometimes take advantage of our closest supporters at times. I have made it a point in my adult life to not enable anyone. I usually do not ask for help and if I do I compensate them accordingly. That way there is no issue.
Myself if I were in your shoes would not give any money towards this trip. Wish her well and guide her to the puppy kennel for her dogs stay during her vacation. Cheer up and join us for a picnic, there are lots of goodies to heal our wounds with that are not tied to being used.
Wishing you a great day and many more.
R