The Challenge...Lesson 8

[NinjaFrodo]

mcshope;

You and I are in the same boat. I've been so terribly afraid that I avoided overcoming this condition for 6 years! What that has given me is 6 years of constant anxiety! Instead of dealing with a few situations where my anxiety might increase dramatically for several minutes at most and then go away. It would be nice for them to go away though.

Very good questions and your right it seems like people are all about feeding their egos through being right. I know I don't want to be that way anymore because all it does is create a never ending battle. This is actually why the communication techniques are so important to me. I want to spend as much time feeling good and making the best of situations. What people want the most is to be heard and understood and what they fear is judgement. Giving people that understanding and listening can make such an amazing outcome, one that benefits both people!

Thats a useful little list there and there are some useful things in it and thats great if that does work for you. I can't help but think of the list as just a bunch of shoulds. Guess its not for everybody. However it definately gets me thinking about my priorities and what I'd like as some of the daily activities in my life.

Its hard not to expect to finish everything in that day. I guess thats where praising yourself for what you do comes in. What do you think? What does she say about this?

Its a good idea and I've thought about how to handle some of these goals. Well more rather when it comes to limitations. I have developed my own model to handle the limitations and I'll put that up in another post today.

Sounds like you treat the tv the way I treated videogames and the internet. I also would use it to distract myself from anxiety and from obsessive thoughts. When our minds are distracted then its harder for those thoughts to come up but when we aren't doing anything we can get flooded. Actually I think I even use music when doing that at least when i'm walking. Thats when our coping mechanisms control our life, are you noticing that too?

That would be great! I haven't even taken the opportunity to find a job yet, you're a step ahead of me. Right now I'm working on the communication skills and then the interview skills David D Burns talks about. You'd probabbly benefit greatly to check them out, they're in the feeling good workbook.

Yeah I honestly think I cannot overcome this condition without going this route.

No worries if you miss posts. There is no obligation and I don't want you to feel pressured. You can go back and read them at a later date if you wish to and if you want to respond thats fine too.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

THH;

I just seem to see them on tv when i go to the gym. Sometimes I see them on much music which is a toronto channel or I hear them somewhere. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It had such a powerful effect on me. Music has had an effect on me when I wanted to feel powerful but I don't know its making me feel much more passionate now. Its a diffrent feeling.

I was born in the 80s and spend alot of time listening to 80s music, I probabbly feel the same way about 80s music that you feel about 70s music. I never thought of teenagers going through a growth spirt in their late teens. However I have been self-absorbed since I've been 12 so I wasn't really that observant. My whole life has been about growing, I don't think it'll ever stop. Kind of like Madonna.

Yeah that'd be good to post songs on here. This challenge thing is about going through the program but it is also about increasing the joy and ammount of time we spend feeling positive so I definately welcome you to post music vids.....many of them!

Yes it would be fun. Maybe next year eh. Would I carry around a can of peas and carrots or just wear a shirt of a can of peas and carrots? Or do I do both? And I just thought up some really inappropriate adult jokes when it comes to the jolly green giant!

Don't worry about waiting. I can do both at a time. I suggested that other person to post after she had commented in a thread in the general section of the forums. It's not going to get confusing to me and I will post the whole script when I realize we are done with a situation.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Yes another week gone by. It doesn't sound like it was very satisfying to you. Most of this last week wasn't for me too but still there were alot of things in it to celebrate. You said you made some progress, what kinds of things did you progress with? What can you do to focus more on that?

You are trying to find a job because you need the extra income but you aren't sure what it is you want to do. You like to deal with people but feel it would be too much pressure to handle and you aren't sure if you want to deal with the stress. Thats understandable how you feel as when we are really struggling with anxiety and depression we are going through an unbelievable insane ammount of pressure already and any extra pressure just seems too overwhelming. I feel the same way you do. Are there any other kinds of jobs involving people but not so much office work around you that you could do in the time being?

Its ok to not post. Its not an obligation to do so, post because you want to post and post when you want to post. No pressure.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Here is another great video. This definately makes me think about how I am now. It makes me think of all the changes that I've made since we started this challenge. Let me know what you think after watching it.

New Attitude by Patti LaBelle

Oh and the new thread will start on Friday and I was concerned that well we might still need some help after we finish this run through the program and was wondering if people would be ok to chat in the first forum under the program section afterwards. Is this something you guys would be intrested in?


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

I can't wait to read all of this tomorrow, thanks, Mike!

[NinjaFrodo]

Ok i'm not going to explain everything in this post about the communication techniques but I will break it into several posts spread out over a couple of days.

The last communication technique model is very useful and that on its own is good. I believe that model is more geared towards general communication issues. This model I'm about to show is from a later book and is an extension of the older model. This new model deals with communication issues and I think its more useful for personal relationship but can be very effective in all communications.

This model is divided into listening skills and self-expression skills

Listening skills
1)Disarming (still the same as the last one)- You find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if you feel convinced that what they're saying is totally wrong, unreasonable, irrational, or unfair

2)Empathy (this is diffrent and is divided into 2 subcategories)- You put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to see the world through his or her eyes.
Thought empathy- You paraphrase the other person's words
Feeling empathy- You acknowledge how they're probably feeling, given what they are saying to you.

3)Inquiry (this is what they called empathy in the older model)- You ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling.


Self-expression skills
1)"I feel" statements;
You express your feelings with "I feel" statements (such as "I feel upset") rather than with "you" statements (such as "You're wrong!" or "You're making me furious!")

2)Stroking;
You find something genuinely positive to say to the other person, even in the heat of battle. This indicates that you respect the other person, even through you may be angry with each other.



I know it looks like alot and may seem very overwhelming and you might be thinking that I can't do it. Like any skill it is not going to come overnight, it takes practice and patience and you can simply work on one of them at a time. Break it down into smaller pieces and work on those. The best one to start off with is disarming. Find something to agree with and do it and see how you feel and let us know.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Alright so I have figured out my own model to use when facing limitations. I was not satisfied enough with what the program had to say, it just left a big giant question mark for me. I want to solve this big giant question mark for anybody else feeling confused or discouraged when it comes to things.

There are 4 levels to my model of handling limitations.
1)Artifical
2)With a buddy
3)You as your own buddy
4)Harder circumstances

So basically level 1 deals with artifical stimulation. You basically deal with the situation in your head. You make it as real as you possibly can and you calm yourself down. You can also change the mental video by adding humorous aspects to it in order to calm yourself down or change your emotional state. Other techs that fit into this category is cost/benefit (pro and con) of thinking, feeling or behaving in the undesired way and the same with the desired, feared fantasy technique where you create a situation in your head where you are responding to a hostile person who is attacking you with judgements that you might have towards yourself. Lastly things like thinking of the situation then thinking of a situation that makes you feel strong and to keep thinking like that everytime you have that mental video.

Level 2 involves facing the limitation and having a friend with you. Someone that you trust that can help you if you need the help

Level 3 is to do it with just you as your safe person.

Level 4 is to do it under harder circumstances.

I'd actually suggest doing level 1 for awhile and then continue to do it to bring you through the whole process. Doing it at least once a day would be very beneficial to cultivate feelings of strength and motivation.


I'll give you an example. For me I have one with being silly.

So Level 1 I would imagine doing something silly i saw from tv around complete strangers and imagine these people saying nothing and then me feel more confident about myself. I might also imagine someone saying something really nasty to me and me continuing to do it and be completely unaffected by the other person.

Level 2 I would probabbly be in an elevator with a friend and I'd say something silly everytime we passed a floor with other people. I'm considering doing this at the effel tower.

Level 3 I might just say something stupid after I pass people while walking down the street

Level 4 would be to walk by a school with highschool students out there and do something really silly or something that would get them to criticize me.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

What-if the anxiety from facing the anxiety is less than that from avoiding it? What-if I feel more comfortable with anxiety and it dissipates? What-if I see my anxiety as excitement and never fear it ever again? What-if what they say is true and I realize that most of my worrysome thoughts never happen? What-if I regain control of my life? What-if I started to believe that there is no such thing as failure? What-if I faced my anxiety and realized that nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams?

Sunday;

I feel more and more confident as the days go by and more and more passionate as well. I've actually started to try to fix some of the wrong things I've done and also stated how I felt with certain people. Lucinda says in one of the tapes that she went back to her X husband in an attempt to forgiven him and herself for the marriage not working out and well I think i'm doing that same similar thing myself. I did shiatsu to my hip-hop instructor and I said let me know how it goes and he said he'd message me later but didn't and then on facebook complained more about his ankle and i responded to that status and he hadn't responded. I sent him a facebook message saying how I felt and how important it is for me to know. I talked about how he didn't respond back and then how he commented on his status about his ankle and to me that sounded like he was dissatisfied and asked if that was the case. I also asked him to tell me if it is because I need negative feedback so I can know if I need to change something like my communication. He hasn't responded back but I do see him tomorrow at hip-hop class so I'll see what happens.

Also a very long time ago a friend of mine confided in me about something her bf had said that concerned her. I got concerned and talked to someone else about it and this ended up getting back to the guy. He was upset at her and then she got upset with me and it was really bad. I have held onto that for years and I finally sent him a message on facebook telling him how I felt bad for what I had done and how he didn't deserve that kind of behavior and that I was sorry. I also told him I don't expect him to forgive me or even respond to me and it felt pretty good.

I like to sing when i'm walking outside but when I pass people I usually change to huming or go quiet and today I didn't do that. I felt a little anxious but I decided to keep up my voice and pitch and it was at a decent level and I was really worried how they would react but I still did it and I felt pretty good about that.

I've been working on the communication skills on a daily basis not only on negative remarks but with regular posts and such as well as on msn. I'm doing it a little bit at a time and I have asked one person if she felt understood and she did and by some of the other responses it sounds like I understood them as well. I don't feel as worried about not knowing how to respond now, its pretty good.

There was also this guy at the gym (a diffrent location then I usually go to). He is a receptionist and I've found him attractive and so I decided to strike up conversation with him. We talked about diffrent things and it was nice. He then said go workout and that we can talk after and we did. I think he was being a little flirtacious with me but I wasn't quite sure or maybe I'm just doubting it. He suggested a few places to go eat at and some foods that he likes and I think I'm going to chat with him a couple more times and then maybe just show up one day with one of those things that he says he likes. I think i'll be cute about it

You know I didn't realize this until now but if there is something going on wrong with your body and there is no physical problem ie no tumor or whatever and doctors say you are fine, then its psychological. In my shiatsu trainning we learned the psychological aspects of ailments. This whole constipation thing I suffer with is a sign that I'm not letting go both physically and psychologically. See I've been trying to use the CBT to prevent myself from feeling certain feels so I have more control over myself. I was using it to try to hide certain aspects of myself and to supress them. I wasn't letting myself be myself and wasn't allowing me to even show negative emotions. I wasn't letting them go. I want to be me, I want to be free and to respond in a natural way instead of second guessing msyelf and if i'm allowed to feel a certain way or not. Since I've been depressed and severely anxious (15 years) I've felt this enormous ammount of energy just wanting to come out but I wouldn't let it. It feels even more intense now then it has ever before actually but I've stagnated this energy and kept it internalized and I feel that it has manifested itself into these obsessive thoughts. That is not a cool way to use this kind of energy, I don't like it. I don't want to do it anymore.

Another thing, I'm starting to realize how afraid I become of responding negatively to people not because its "wrong" but more because of the obsessive thoughts of what I think they might be feeling. I automatically put myself in another person's shoes and likely over exaggerate it and obsess about it. I don't need to live other people's lives in my head anymore. I only need to focus on my own!


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

I agree Mike, that we have enough stress and trials in our lives that we don't need to make up tests in our mind to practice. Life gives us enough to practice on or get over. It is like people that pray for obstacles so that they can practice Patience! We don't need to pray or ask for tests to practice patience, it is going to come whether we like it or not.

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen;

I'm a little confused as to your message. Are you responding to what I had said about how I automatically put myself into other people's shoes and obsess about how they must feel? Or are you talking about my Model for handling Limitations?

If you are talking about the first one well yes I agree we don't need to keep doing that because we have our own problems. If you are responding to the other one then I agree that its good not to make tests. Practice opportunities with mental videos we purposely create and control can be very useful but not so much when its automatic and we continue to let it spiral downward, that is not helpful. Attacking something artificially will build a neuropathway and it'll be easier to call up the desired response when your in the situation.


Mike