Dear Diary

[Loveslife]

Hi Paislee,
I understand. I'm sorry that your DS is taunting you in that way on the computer. It ISN"T funny. I only wonder why you waited for your DH to talk to him. That is a violation of your boundaries and it is cruel. I wonder if he is acting in a passive aggressive manner because you have befriended his ex-girlfriend. In any case, it's NOT funny.

Also, his changing your garden..Why would he do that? This is a very dysfunctional relationship, and I'm sorry it is taking a toll on you.

Yes, it is the season of change. Autumn, so close to winter. Let yourself experience your sadness at missing your new friend and the end of your swims. There will be new things to look forward to, once you have set your sort of body clock to the new season.

In the mean time, try to get some rest.

My good news is that my daughter B. has been 6 months clean as of yesterday. I don't want to get too excited about this because God knows I've been down this road with her many, many, many times only to have my heart broken.

BUT, I do have my hopes up and I really do think this time she will stay clean for good.

Take Care Paislee and Bunny and Tina and R.

XO
J.

[tina martin]

Paislee, I can never understand your son. I'd so want to know what is bothering him, ask him, and ask him how he thinks he can be helped.

J, I'm so glad for B. You know I sometimes actually watch this general trash show of Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew (Pinsky). It gives me some insight into how hard it is for them to stay clean. It is such a readjustment. I think there must even be something biochemical in the brain. Hoping for the best, Love...........T

[Paisleegreen]

Hi J and T--Thanks for responding. Well, when I discovered what DS did. He and DH were asleep as they either worked during the wee hours of the morning. When DS was awake I told him gotta post

[Paisleegreen]

Anyway, when he woke up I told him I wanted my computer to be put back the way it was. So he didn't do it then...which I didn't expect him to b/c that would be "nice" or respectful. I had explained to him in a calm voice that I wanted it changed back.
He went about his "sprinkler" changing activities. Some things he was doing is over kill, but he has a bright mind and this is physical activity, keeps his mind off other things....and sort of experimenting with ideas he thinks about during his free time.

He doesn't have a social life right now. Partly b/c he has been hurt by his friends. In the past, many of the young adults weren't contributing to the activities he provides, such as boating, four wheeling, hot springs, recreation stuff where he does most of the driving and what not.

He broke up with his old GF, as he was interested in someone else, who isn't as interested in him as he wishes. So things didn't go as he had hoped. So I'm pretty sure this behavior is due partly to that. So he has free time...now...

Okay, so I told DH about this and he claims he knows nothing about it. Then later when I tell him that DS hasn't changed the computer, he knows nothing about it. So I have him come look at the computer and he agreed that it probably was funny at 4:00AM to DS. I told DH it is not funny and it affects my happiness..(not sure if I'm repeating).

Anyway, we go back to our room to watch TV and DH hasn't done anything. That is when I asked him aren't you going to talk to DS. He text DS and then DS comes in and takes care of it. But stuff on the computer has changed a bit. I'm wondering what all can DS do with a computer and the Server. He is a GEEK, literally. B/C when I was talking to him about a new red zig zag line under spelling words that wasn't there before, he stated that he could check it...? Hmmmm...

He also started arguing with me about the zig zag line. Now I know when there is a new red zig zag line and when there isn't, so something has changed. About a week or two ago, I had discovered that DH could bring up a message and page from my FB by pressing on my email. I always thought I was logged out of FB and my Internet email provider or server or website. I found out that I now need to log out of FB and then msn. I thought that when I clicked on the top X and closed the tabs that I was out. It use to always do that, I thought.

So sorry if this is a repeat, so when I found DH up after I've gone to sleep on the computer reading a friends page, I was upset. I'm pretty sure it was innocent, but still didn't like it. That's when DS's ex GF tells me that she will help me buy a new computer with a photo card port and Windows. Then things will be easier for me to do. I told DH that when DS did his latest "funny" that I'm ready to get my own computer.

Tina-There are many things bothering DS, I'm so "afraid" to ask him without a therapist or neutral person with me. He is very critical...and I'm not strong enough. DH needs him in our business...so he puts up with the things he does to me, which is also DH using him to either get back at me or tell me in a round about way the things that are bothering him. Does this make any sense? DS behaved this way even when he had the GF and when he didn't have a GF. He could have this girl back anytime, she was very needy.

All I've been feeling is that I just want to keep working on myself...if things have to change more drastically.

[Paisleegreen]

J congratulations on your DD! I agree with Tina, it is a very difficult thing to get "clean". I only know by having to wean off of antidepressants, Beta blockers and Xanax. And I wasn't on the Benzo's for very long.

[Loveslife]

Hi Paislee,
I just wanted to mention that on my computer, when a new "zig zag line" appears, it means I have spelled the word wrong. It's called "spell check". If a blue line appears, it means the computer has respelled the word for me correctly. Some sites include spell check if you are typing (like this one) and some sites don't.
XO

[tina martin]

Paislee, the work entanglements probably affect what is going on with DS. Makes things so much more complex and out of the ordinary. Need to remember this.

Fortunately I have no interest in all the possibilities of computers: pictures, music and I don't know what all else. I long for simplicity and am able to claim it by and large. If I had to find work I'd be in trouble, no doubt. Once upon a time being a good typist and half way literate was worth something. Sometimes I get panicky: what if I have to work again? I worked from 14 to almost 70. Had enough. Always had part-time jobs.

There is a section of the brain that gets used to addiction and the natural way of functioning is difficult to restore, sudden brain expert that I am (joking). Just read a book about the brain. Have maps of the brain I like to look at. We are slowly starting to learn more about it. Fascinating.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi J and T-- As far as the zig zag goes, I know what it means. I didn't have that "wordprocessing " before DS played the Prank. I use to get a suggestion for a word as I was typing, I have found that I spell the correct word and don't trust the computer as they don't know what I'm thinking. I will check my handy pocketbook dictionary if I feel that a word I'm spelling is wrong.

So this new way of spell checking does bother me, but I can live with it. It just wasn't on this computer or maybe the Server before. It is the stubbornness of DS that if I tell him this was not on the computer before and that there was a different "system" and he doesn't believe me. I have to admit, this kid has not been one to back down from a fight since he was born. But he use to be sweeter...and I know that part of it is... that he has had a broken heart...is a young 20 year old and not experiencing social events like other 20 year olds. He hasn't left home to live with 5 other roommates or even one.

Things have been relatively easy for him financial wise compared to my other kids. Also, he went to a high school of 200 students and all boys except for 5 girls. They are all Geeks...very smart in Technology and Math. He is a good debater and was trusted by his school to control the high school's Servers. He could check to be sure there wasn't any porn on the students computers. He also pulled an April Fool's joke on the school by making it look like they had lost their connection. He got reprimanded for it by the Principal, but not severely. They still call him back to help out on Server problems and they pay him. So he does have an opportunity for a great career in Internet Technology. Companies are looking for guys like him.

Right now he is needed with our business, and he makes good money, free rent, and obviously "control". This is where we knock heads, b/c I am the Mother...which he flagrantly is forgetting my position here.

All I can do...it continue on figuring out how to feel needed or wanted here at home. B/c I don't feel that way...the family seems to want me to clear up my "stuff" of 20 years living at this home which is on an acre, while they continue to leave their larger collection of stuff around the yard, garage and shop.

I'm finding it hard to let go of things when my heart is so full of sadness. But I'm doing it, even if it is Baby Steps. I think having you wonderful people supporting me as I do this is helpful. I truly am at a point where my anxiety is no longer that but deep depression. I keep fighting back tears or allow them to flow. I dread upcoming events...such as holidays and such as my energy level is very low and I feel very stressed.

I do see my Psychiatrist in a couple weeks, I might have to on on anti-depressants, which I don't want to if things continue at my household. The other option is to try HRT, which I have the pills, but can't remember where I put them. I don't want to have to see my OB/GYN DR again for the exam (ugh) just to get the prescription. Everything is paid out of pocket.

I've made great strides since I first came here last year and I've been off of medication except for Temazepam to help me sleep due to DH's snoring and noises in the night for 9 months now.

So I have the option of insisting DS goes into family counseling with me. It was suggested to DS by DH, and DS agreed, but they didn't follow up with an appointment. So I guess I will have to stretch myself and get us all into counseling. I wanted this a while ago, but the Psychologist wanted to see DS separately, I don't see any reason to do that...I think the DR wants more money. I think we just need to meet together and get it all out with the DR present.

Thanks for all your help, you wonderful ladies. I'm so weary right now...and yet I can't be...I need to clear up stuff to make the "men" folk happy. Which I get mixed messages from DH on this...but if I don't clear up, DS is going to do it for me and I resent him for that, as I don't go into his bedroom and mess with his stuff, or touch any of his things he leaves lying around.

The only other thing I plan on doing is talking with some clergy...to get some help. Their counseling is free. Paislee

[Paisleegreen]

P.S. I forgot to add...my memory is so bad right now that I can't find my Debit Card and I have to go through stuff on the side of my bed...it is very daunting. P

[bunny rabbit]

Hi Everyone: It's great to hear all your news. So much is happening in all your lives. I hope Mano you do get a check-up. At least that way you can find out if there is anything to be concerned about.

I've just had a major breakthrough on my grief journey. I have been in intensive therapy working my way through healing of memories. It has taken me back to the pain in my childhood that I faced having a severely disabled sister and being given the job of parenting her emotionally. This role affected all my relationships with peers all my life. Long, long story short I have now let go of that old story and begun a new one. All the aspects of myself that were robbed from me growing up, I am now motivated to bringing into my life, becoming the true self that I was born to be from the beginning. I realize I have joy, humor, creativity, wonder, laughter, playfulness that was completely buried under codependent caretaking of others. So now I'm on a new path. I realize I will still have grief attacks but the intense raw pain is over and done with and I'm on a brand new page. Yahoo!!!!!! Blessings from Bunny