DENICE'S PROGRAM FOR CAUSING ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Oct 16, 2006 5:04 am

<span class="ev_code_BLUE">That graveyard one is funny...LOL good one. Also the supermarket announcement. Mine would be Attention Ladies and Gentelman my name is _________ I am afraid of being alone so please arrange yourselves so that there is 1 or 2 people in each aisle as I go up and down the isle. LOL plus let me skip to the front of the line so I don't have to wait. </span>

Don57 · Post by **Don57** » Mon Oct 16, 2006 3:05 pm

This is by far the FUNNIEST stuff that I have ever read. My stomach hurts from laughing *pretty much at myself for having done all these *

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Oct 16, 2006 3:22 pm

I actually had anxiety today in school cuz i felt like i was stuck in there and couldn't leave and I figured out what was the worst thing i can do? I figured I could go Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and run out of the room and out of the building. It seemed funny cuz then i'd have to explain the next day that my brain made me do it...

Mike

Conner · Post by **Conner** » Wed Oct 18, 2006 4:58 pm

I have not come across this board. You guys are a scream. Okay here are mine:

1). The next time you have a flat...Pull over and wait for someone to help you. Say that the spare is in the trunk to the right of the body.

2). Place crazy affirmations on sticky notes and place them on the mirror of a public restroom. Stand there and read them aloud as people come in and out.

3). Repeat back everything your psychriatrist says. Then say, I think we are on the same page. Thanks!

4). On your next flight, request that StressCenter Infomercial For Stress and Anxiety be played as the featured movie.

5). Buy a manican and have it be your safe-person.

6). Put your Xanax in a Tic-Tac or PEZ dispenser.

7). Get on a crowded elevator. Look at the person closest to the button panel and say "Heaven Please."

New_Nana · Post by **New_Nana** » Wed Oct 18, 2006 5:01 pm

Too funny!
Go into a paint store and ask them which shade of Xanax would work best in your bedroom!

Originally posted by Art_Gal:
Attempt a condom purchase while having a panic attack. That way you can face your panic disorder and social anxiety all at once.

Watch the Health Channel all day

Connect yourself to your safe person with handcuffs. Swallow key. If you're afraid of swallowing, throw it in a river or down the garbage disposal. Expect your safe person to be unhappy with you.

This is unrelated, but this week I actually left the house and had to stop and look down to make sure I remembered to put on pants. I think this was following one of those 'in your underwear' dreams induced by my anti-depressant.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Oct 18, 2006 5:10 pm

Steve's Stress and Anxiety CD:
<Soft music, sounds of waves,>
Welcome to the Stress and Anxiety CD...
I am your host Steve...Let's start with a few slow shallow breathe's. Like the one's you would take if you were about to drowned...
<Soft music, water sounds, splashing...
Relax your throat muscles for you just have went under water for the third time and you are swallowing water.
<Soft music, heavy breathing...
Do not look under your bed...
Whatever you do, do not look under the bed...
It is going to get you!....

OK I am sick!

Originally posted by NinjaFrodo:
and you should reserve your worry time and negative self talk to when your doing your relaxation cd.

and cindyv22 is right you should fill yourself with all your negative obsessive thoughts right after the relaxation cd.

make sure everything is planned wrong and there is no possible way to reach your goal sucessfully.

Make sure you mess up in everything you do and if anybody tries to critisize you for it just use your anxiety as an excuse because you know deep down that everybody will understand and will appologize for their critisizum.

Mike

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Oct 18, 2006 6:01 pm

<span class="ev_code_PURPLE">Yes Steve. You are sick! LOL but I love the Heaven Please one..LOLOLOL That's hilarious

Call all your bill collectors and tell them you have anxiety and depression and you can't pay them because you have to pay for the program it is wayyyyy more important than your electricity. If they refuse to cooperate initiate a panic attack on phone. </span>

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 19, 2006 1:54 pm

Lol i like the body next to the tire one

also i like calling the bill collector one and initiating a panic if they refuse

Sorry out of new ideas for now
Mike

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 19, 2006 2:15 pm

The next time you ride the bus, take note that EVERYONE

on the bus IS indeed focusing all thier attention on your inner sense of nervousness.

Of course they can't really see it but tell yourself that it's obvious to all!!!

Then, when you got off, yes, you did hear someone say "What's wrong with that guy?"

Then remind yourself that this is what it's going to be like EVERY TIME

you ever take the bus... So start stressing, buy a bicycle on credit (so that you'll have a panic attack already on its way in the mail when the card company sends you the credit statement).

Get on the bike, and notice that your heart rate is increasing and this must be a terminal heart disease symptom, because you've already checked that out on google. And google is always right on target, your doctor just hasn't found out how to use google yet, that's all!

That should set you up for a great day!

LOL

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 20, 2006 2:53 am

Yes google is the universal 8-ball

Great post

make sure where ever you go you have a note pad so you can write everything down that happens and who's there and what they say and where they sit so you know what to expect next time because you know its always the same.

When you go for a check up at the doctors make sure you bring all the medical books and other resources with you, so if the doctor doesn't find anything wrong you can show him he is wrong and that you can back it up because you have a few symptoms of every disease out there.

Mike