Marriage

cfe · Post by **cfe** » Sat Sep 22, 2007 5:01 am

Vegasmomof4; tune into my anxiety and physical symptoms to get my mind off of my marriage. So, when I am so fixated on my anxiety I am not thinking about my marriage.

I can see that to a point, I know, I ran from my marriage, by hidding out in organizations, I felt so rejected in my marriage, I needed affermation, so I became the president of every organization in the County. but I think it was the feelins of rejection, that caused me to look for someplace to put my energy. Getting the affermation from the clubs did not take away the rejection I felt at home. This program, helped me to realize the underlying FEAR (fals evidence appearing real) I had of rejection that was plegging our marriage, my life.

Hind sight is 20/20 and I do so wish I had found thie program 30 years ago. but it wasn't available, I thank God for Lucinda' courage to bring this out and develop this program. With it I was able to work on my real FEAR, and find my real feelings. If I could of found the courage, and been able to help my husband and children, I would have had one less guilt hurdle to jump. As it was I used the organizations, as my husband did not want me to work, I know my mother found her affermation in her work. I think anxiety is a learned response, because in my case I can trace back to my mother the "people Pleaser" part of me that seems to melt down, when I am in any way rejected. In my cas I was totaly rejected by my husband's mother, and had to live in her yard, and take it. My husband was raised by her, and did not speak to her, we alloped because he did not want her at his wedding. But she was also his boss. It was a rock and a hard place, still if I had the confidence I have now, back then, who knowes we may have even been friends.

What do you all think about that. Vegasmomof4

I think it doesn't matter what you fixate on, you are just spinning your wheels, untill you dig out the rotten root that is sabatoging you life. For me it was a fear of rejection. I was surrounded by rejection, but instead of confronting that problem I ran, even now that generation is has been dead 4 years, I still had to work on the root problem to free myself from it, my health problems started after my mother in law died, that only proves to me you can't run and you can't hide, untill you get ot the root problem (stressor) of your anxiety nothing else you change will ever fix it. I think that is why people get divorced and just go find another one, and wrick that relationship too. because "wear ever you go, there you. It was not my circomstances that gave me that root of rejection. it was much deeper than that. It was in me, it was my way of coping with life. Now I am digging my way through the feelings, and looking at it in the light. and Forgiveing, and Forgetting, putting behind me the past and being my owne safe person. choosing positive, happy thoughts, and that FEAR is getting dimmer, I look for it to go out soon. It is not easy to change your core reality, but it is the only way any one can succeed in any relationship.

I have always admired people who are asertive, happy, assured of who they are. They have a stable foundation. Perhaps they just grew up lucky, in a together family. they just grew up always, knowing who they are, and what they want in life. I never had that, When Lucinda asked "what did you want to be when you were 9, I couldn't even remember being 9, but now I do, I know what I want to be. I want to be stable, in the face of life, assured that I am OK no matter what happens. Thanks to this course. I have found that path, and it is leading me closer and closer to my goal.

cfe · Post by **cfe** » Sat Sep 22, 2007 5:11 am

[writeitout; I've chosen to leave]

I am sory you are leaveing, you have helped me see something I thought I had taken care of, seeing that helped me to gaine a greater peace in my life, in the past few days. You were a friend in good season, God Bless you in your walk.

cfe · Post by **cfe** » Sat Sep 22, 2007 5:21 am

Originally posted by BROWN EYEZ:
I'M LEARNING THAT MY MARRIAGE HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION AS WELL. I WOULD LOVE A FORUM.

"You can't see the forest for the trees" an anciet saying, discribing how wen we are frustrated we start picking on the unnecessary things to distract our selves from the Big problem simular to Vegasmomof4. you are picking on the first layer of a bigger problem. the root problem that is underminning your life.

I always give my nieces, a jurnal for the wedding shower with the instructions to writ out in detail every thing you love about this man, every reason you want to marry him, because over the next 90 years you will need to read that to remind you why you did this. Life comes at your fast, are you anchored well, that is what this course is all about ancouring you, fixing the rotten root in your life, that is sabatoging you relationships with others.

I think Marriages take the fall, to offten, just to answer the nagging question "whats wrong with me". Keep working the program, get healthy, then look at the marriage. For me by the time I had finnished getting the mote out of my owne eye, my husband was working on getting the sliver out of his owne eye. and Together we are building a wonderfull relationship, enjoying every day finaly together. I prommis you when you finish this course every thing in your life will look and FEEL better.

Vegasmomof4 · Post by **Vegasmomof4** » Sat Sep 22, 2007 5:46 am

I think Marriages take the fall, to offten, just to answer the nagging question "whats wrong with me". Keep working the program, get healthy, then look at the marriage. For me by the time I had finnished getting the mote out of my owne eye, my husband was working on getting the sliver out of his owne eye. and Together we are building a wonderfull relationship, enjoying every day finaly together. I prommis you when you finish this course every thing in your life will look and FEEL better.

Very good point, that is what I am hoping. I am on session 5, and do see a change but sure do have a long way to go. One thing I am trying to do is not let every little thing get to me in my marriage and outside of it. I am trying to show dh more affection and he is returning it. I have come to realize that sometimes we have to bite the bullet first and then they respond. Right or wrong I don't know I am sure we can battle that topic all day but I have sat down and thought to myself with the help of this program that my marriage really isn't that bad. Its NOT a love story novel but he works, comes home every night, doesn't drink, doesn't gamble and is good to the kids and doesn't abuse us. Could he be better yes but I think we all could be.

I guess my point is "is the grass really greener on the other side"??????? I have been married for almost 25 years, maybe we just need to shake things up some its easy to get into a day to day ho hum and take each other for granted. .

cfe · Post by **cfe** » Sat Sep 22, 2007 7:40 am

I know what you mean, when it is just feelings, and thoughts, how can you justify leaving a good man, my X son in law, would not work, and verbaly abused my daugher in a brain washing fassion, ailinating her from every one who loved her, finnaly when he started believeing his own words, he thrugh her out. Thank God she came home and with this program we have been able to put her back together again. That is a diffrent story. I used to make a lsit of all the wrongs, thank God my mom tought me to make a list of all the rights too. and I could never justify, leaving just because I was un happy. I had a phychiatrist tell me I was Manic Depressent the ancient term for Bi-Pollar. and my MD wrote me a perscription; to "divorce his sorry ass, and get the hell out of that valey before it kills you" I kept if for a long time. But I loved him, and even though he wasn't saying it I knew he loved me too. I have found, Love does concor all, but we must love ourselves, so we have excess to give away, Not love others untill we are compleetly depleeted, used up by our own thoughts and emotions. I remember when I told my husband on our 30th annaversary, "if the next 30 years is anything like the last 30 I quit" he had no idea I had been so unhappy. He became a work aholic to run and hide from his parents, me, the kids, all his responsabilitys and his PTSD. he just wasn't around much. My dad did the same thing, they say we always marry our dads, there is just something in us that needs too.

I have learned it is not his job to make me happy it is mine. My husband had PTSD when I married him, haveing grown up with my dad I didn't think it would be to hard, but I didn't know what my mother went trhoug. (I have appoigised to her for my misjudgment of her growing up)

affter I had put in the first 5 years I announced to my husband; "start saveing up, if I surrvive another 20 we are going to Hiwii. we went and we took my folkes with us, It was a Blessed Vacation of a life time. You realy need to celebrate all the mile stones in your lives. And when we took our last child to college, we took a trip together, like a second honneymoon, a People to Pepole tour of Russia. you are right! you do need to shak it up again, you realy need to start over it is a new season!

I higly recomend even short vacations together, wear there is just the 2 of you, and no obligations to take ither one of you away. I find even a red neck date (an all day bull sale) in a town at leat 4 hours drive away. is good for us, At first, it was uncomfotable, but now that I have my confidence and my tools, we comunicate for the first time in 36 years. He is more relaxed, I think joining the Marine Corps League, last fall, was helpfull for his PTSD. he is more open to conversation now.

You are on the right track, you can make it better. as gradpa used to say "kids, dogs, or horses, they are all the same Never give up and Never give in" I think life in genneral can be catagorized in there, they are all the same, they are all worth keeping.

Charlie53 · Post by **Charlie53** » Sat Sep 22, 2007 10:12 am

I could use this forum. My wife has decided she wants to live in another part of the house until the children are grown.Youngest is 14. I joined the program to cope with the anxiety and depression. Some days are better than others. But how do you cope with rejection and feeling alone all the time.

cfe · Post by **cfe** » Sat Sep 22, 2007 11:33 am

I did watch my in laws live like that, when we got married he slept on the main floor and she sleped up stais with her daugher she was about 14, I never asked my husband when that started. he told me it was something to do with his dad's back needing a diffrent mattress, than his mothers back needed. they had both had a couple back surgaries. We lived with them for a month while I worked to get the house we were to live in ready for us to move in to. In that time, I never heard them talk, and every meal was silent. no laughter, I felt I was living in a museum. I first decided it was because I was there, and they hated me. but it realy never changed. I don't think any of them liked each other much. I am not sure how that affected their daugher, but better than no dad, or mom around at all I guess.

John Wayne built another houe for his wife, to keep her close by. they got along fine in sepeate house I read.

just from what you have said I would guess. you need to work on your recovery from anxiety and depression. you need to do that, no matter wear she is. as you get well, you will better be able to see the best way for you to aproach her, about reconciliation. Finding out the truth to why she feels she needs to seperate from you would be the fist step. not by accuasation, but by truly needing to understand why, she feels this way, and what you can work on to phicilitate her, perhaps in time, returning your love for her again. Some people have come back together affter years of estrangement. My only suggestion at this time is to treat it as a symptom of your distress, have compassion for her, and for yoursellf, "don't should on her and don't should on you, just let it ride, while you are getting well.

Were are you in the program? are you doing each lesson 1 week, 1 lesson. and ofcourse if she is willing, it would probably be a good idea to seek a proffesional, couples marriage councer. to start a healthy dialogue. The key to getting through this for me was to start being totaly honest, to ask for what I needed, and let my spouse, decide what he was going to do about my needs. It took time my spouse is not a big talker, he is conversationaly chalenged, partly because his parrents had no conversation between them. His dad came to our house and talked with me every day, but his mom, never talked to me for 10 year not untill affter her husband died and she needed me to drive her in to town. I was shocked she could carry a conversation, I don't know what that was all about but they lived together for 38 years like a job. she did the cooking and took care of the house and yard, and he did the ranching. It can be done. He wasn't home much, he was either working or involved in every organization in the County and some political things in the State too. I guss that is how he did it. You say your youngest is 14, are you involved with the children? what they are doing, can absorbe parents these days, partly that is what I did, as my husband was always gone, working, hunting, roping club. just gone. as long as the kids were here I had friends, too talk to, and a project to keep me busy.

"never give up and never give in", show her you are sinceer, and stable, don't loose her trust, perhaps she is tired of your moodes, and is waiting to see the new, even keeled man she is dreaming of. I think that is what my husband was doing, I know he told me "I don't know who I am talkeing to any more" that was the night I called and got a coach to help me through the course,

We realy need to give our spouses some space they have been riding the rollercoaster with us through the bad times, they may need more reasurance that times will get better. Take it easy on her, and don't push her away.

"how do you cope with rejection and feeling alone all the time." AXAMAN

I am sorry you are feeling rejected, that is my core FEAR, I found my husband wasn't realy rejecting me, offten times I expected him to because of my anxiety, I wasn't interpreting him correctly. Dr Phill had a show one time he said " There is no reality, there is only perception" I could not belive that, but as I examind my days, and the people around me, I began to see what he meant, we don't always see or hear what is truly being said, our interpritation of what was said or done, goes through our filter of pain we are living in, and some times what we said is compleetly missunderstood by those we are speaking to. and I noticed I wasn't realy listening to what my husband was telling me. I had over the silent years just stoped listening. I know the reason I bought this course was because His "Gussing Game" way of liveing had worn me down, I could no longer guss what he wanted, or needed any more. I wanted him to tale to me, I wanted him to hear me, but I began to realize through this cores, I wasn't realy listening to him. that is wear a counselor could possibley help you, get throuh it faster. We live on the edge of no were, and my "John Wayne" husband will not talke to any one "there is nothing wrong with him"

I am glad you posted, I hope some one on here will help you get through it eaiser. I find this a good place to go to when I am loanly in the middle of the night, or day, someone is always here, and if not I can always leave a note, or reach out to someone who is hurting, with a word of encouragement, or a thought from my experience that might help. Offten times reaching out to others and getting our mindes off of OUR SELVES can help us get a better perspective, on our problem. like in the last couple of days I have seen saw something in writeitout, she showed me wear I was hung up, and helped me to move a little closer to holeness.

dj63 · Post by **dj63** » Sat Sep 22, 2007 12:19 pm

well hello axaman, your wife must have anxiety too. have you asked her? maybe the two of you could do the program together? i would have lived in a different part of house too

had it been big enough. my husband and i have had seperate bedrooms since 1980

.dana

jthomas · Post by **jthomas** » Thu Dec 31, 2009 5:47 am

A marriage forum would be great as I too believe that my marriage,relationship with my wife is huge precipitator of my anxiety.

cfe · Post by **cfe** » Thu Dec 31, 2009 2:28 pm

I am glad you brought this out of moth balls.
I thought allot of it too!
And Tonight, I could walk out and never look back, of course I won't I still love him, but I can't think why just now. We have been married 40 years, and tomorrow is the Anniversary of the first day we meet, but tonight, I am so angry, and upset, I am on here instead of sitting beside him and watching a movie, he just turned to because he can't find a foot ball game he likes just now.
I guess I just want to be mad a little while, I am only hurting myself, and I have really worked up a snit. LOL
I know it will pass, and we will have gotten through one more Growing Pain, in our marriage, in our lives.
Now he is upset too!
We have been doing this for years, but it is so much better now that I have taken this course, I am calmer, he is more open to change, Our marriage "was made in heaven, Just like Thunder and Lighting" but we always come back to each other, because we are committed, and that is LOVE, keeping that promise, is worth every pain! Becoming One is the hard part of Marriage, but the most important part of life on this Earth!
Hang in there believe me it is worth it