Changes, How do we make them?

[Paisleegreen]

Thanks to all of you for your kind words. J, yes, I look for "little signs", we've had a recent one. My DD was taking care of all the car licensing that is coming due. What was interesting is that her license plate is due or expires on my son's Angel Date (a term used among parents of suicide). But even more interesting is that she was concerned that she able to keep her vanity license plates, as it has my son's birth date on it, written in different ways, a mixture of letters and numbers. The gal had no way of knowing what her plate means and all the other license plates expire a month earlier, so hers was really a fluke. So this was special to my DD to get this little message.

What if--I have all kinds of memorials for my son, my whole house and yard is a memorial to him, only because he was a part of it from age 4 until 15 1/2 years old. He did a lot of digging and moving rocks for me. My biggest memorial is that I have a fish pond that he dug for me and was suppose to help pour concrete on the day of his death. So the pond is named after him.
My backyard pond is made of the stone we gathered together from a river a few hours away. He was very strong and loved to help out physically. He was always in full motion. Also, he is buried very close by, this is where I miss my dog that I had to put down a couple years ago, because he was my little buddy and protector when I took my walks to the cemetery. So by not having this walking companion with me anymore, I don't get out to walk like I use to and I just don't have the joy of this pet.

Tina-- I agree with you that J needs to not negate her job title. Work is work, and many don't have it. We are helping out a gal that lost her husband to suicide and she is so down and out that she is trying so hard to find a way to feel worthy of the help we are giving her. She is not too proud to wash our work vans, she offered. She would like to find a way to work for us doing the simple menial things to repay us. And she is coming from a lot of acreage and a 1/2 million dollar home lost to the bank.

She worked herself up to a good paying job where she met her DH, but sadly his search for wealth and fame got the best of him and he took his life. So now she is left with the baggage and no money or income. Just grief and sorrow and homeless soon. But we are helping her out until she regains her strength and is able to get back into society and be productive again.
No job is too low for her or place to stay as what we are offering her does not have the beauty, size, convenience of her soon to be former home. She is grateful and we can only hope that she will find respite in this humble place and feel good about herself. That is what her former H did to her with his addictions, left her an empty shell, raw and broken.

She also like, J, had a father that disappointed her and her mother, she overcame that legacy, but not without carrying the baggage of being a child of an alcoholic. She instead had a caring mother and did the best she could under the circumstances. So I hope, just as J said that sometimes we have to let others do some of the helping for awhile so that we can regroup. I have to be cautious with my time in helping her just as I have to be with my sister. Paislee

J, you don't have to worry about spelling my name wrong, it is just a made up name. If you were to PM me, then spelling would be important, as poor Mrs T Jones found out that I don't exist if you add an extra "e".

[Loveslife]

Wow Paislee. Thank you for putting things in perspective for me.
I do believe that it was a sign from your son to your daughter, re: her license plates. Your son sounds like he was a beautiful person.
I'm glad you are helping out the girl/woman who lost her husband to suicide. I think she will need all the help, love and support she can get. She's lucky to have you in her life.

I feel so humbled from your response, and proud that I have found work.
Love,
J.

[tina martin]

Paislee, your description of your memorial gives us a sense of your beloved son. We now know him a little too. Why not get a new friend as walking partner? It would do you good, don't you think? On my walks I always see people with their companions. What a sad situation for the woman you are so generously helping. Fame and Fortune......traps. Paislee, in this post you seem so much calmer and at ease. May it stay that way.

J, the credit is ALL yours. And, yes, it is a wonderful example to daughter. To be sure, it is understandably new and challenging to you. No matter. You've accomplished so, so much.

It's been a remarkable day for me. Thank you for it. J, soon I'll start to become spiritual (!).

"Good night! good night! parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow."

[Loveslife]

"...........Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast!
Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest!........"

Tina, someday soon I will post for you my favorite goodnight song, called "Goodnight Moon"

Goodnight Tina, Goodnight friends,
Love,
Me.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Tina and J- You're right, Tina, I feel so much better! I know the majority of it is because of you guys,Whatif too. I've done my weeping, a lot of it, a lot of praying, and getting closer to DH. He has his moments with the loss of our son, you just are never going to live life without missing a loved one. Love is forever, it doesn't end with death. I've talked with DH about my siblings and the pain trying to get the attention from them that I would love to have. But let's face it, my parents didn't raise us to be so warm and fuzzy. And sons mimick their father's actions and belief system. The more loving brother is the one that probably has suffered the most in my family. He is the one that has survived Leukemia and that we took care of for 3 years. He is sensitive, but wasn't blessed with the gift of speech and brain functioning. How can this brother compete between my other more sophisticated ones, similar to my late son's dilemma being sandwiched between two brothers that score in the 99th percentile of Educational Testing.

I should not EXPECT to be treated a certain way that they are oblivious to and do not have the capacity to give. I'm at a lost for words right now to explain my expectations. They can not replace my Dad and the way he felt and treated me. They are not my father and do not have a father's love for me, I'm the sister and we all have different experiences and needs in life. We are all here to fulfill a mission here on earth with the talents we are given and the circumstances we are put in. We are not perfect. So I cannot expect perfection in human beings, only be grateful for the serendipities of life and enjoy the wonderful human beings I meet along the way, such as you guys.

You all are a blessing to me as I travel along this road called Life. I just have to remember that I'm not alone, even when I feel alone and that things will get better, I will see sunny days again. I will feel better...I will get me another dog.
It won't just be any dog, I have my preference and to the powers that be, I've sent out my wish list as to the qualities of my next puppy. So I remain patient knowing that my special pup will show up. Paislee

[tina martin]

J, I don't recognize the quote. It's very nice. Look forward to Goodnight Moon.

Paislee, am glad you're validating my perception. Yes, yes, Love is forever. Yes, hubby can be best friend with proper training (joking). Overcoming Leukemia is a big thing. We do not know what change that can bring about in a person. We never know unless we've walked in another's path.

Expectations. Now there's a topic. They will likely get us in trouble again and again. Where do they come from? To what extent are they justified? Unjustified? A juicy topic. Wonder whether the program here addresses it.

[Loveslife]

"...........Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast!
Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest!
Hence will I to my ghostly father's cell,
His help to crave, and my dear hap to tell......."

It was an excerpt given by Romeo, to Juliet, in his last soliloquies in Capulet's Orchard. I believe this to be the scene where Juliet is on her balcony in Florence.

Expectations...
I come from an unhealthy viewpoint when it comes to expectations. (with the exception of my role as a mother)
With my role as a wife, a daughter and a sister I have hardly any expectations. I guess I could say what we should expect when we trust and love someone..
We should expect trust in return, honesty, help when needed, and help given when asked, a place to safely land when we are emotionally troubled, an outstretched hand...
I've learned to ask for help when I need it, but I don't or no longer expect the help to be given. This was instilled in me from a very early age.
Somewhat like Paislee, I was the middle sister, but considered the one without the brains to succeed. I was always in my older brother's shadow and my little brother was very laissez faire, and the favorite child.
I don't know...I don't think any of that matters anymore. I was the child that took all of the blows. Literally.
Now I don't expect anything from anyone anymore. Just myself. I can rely on myself.
Sad, but true. Actually, not so sad either, because I CAN rely on myself.

Have a great day, all. I must shower and get ready to go out into this pouring rain.
First to my psychiatrist, and then to work.
Love,
Me.

[Paisleegreen]

Ah...Expectations...definitely a juicy topic, Tina! I love the training cudos for DH.
J, you have hit the nail on the head and I would love to post more to both of you, but my Grandson is going to be dropped off soon, I just got the head's up phone call. I totally spaced any notion that I said I would watch him. He is a busy boy, but does better when he has one on one time with Grandma than sharing it with a sibling.

I like the poem you quoted J, really profound. Expectations. I was the baby sister until later a niece became an added member to the family. So I became her babysitter when I started high school and there was a lot of drama around this whole scenario. So I just laid low and was very responsible and didn't give my parents any need to worry. I was never going to be like my eldest sister who's hubby is a lawyer. And I definitely wasn't a defiant soul like my other sister who had the child and the one that definitely needs to be living under some kind of supervision, as her judgment puts her at risk for an accident, which she truly has 9 lives with that scenario.

I know my brother with Leukemia has suffered from what is called Chemo Brain, but he was born with some deficits where he wouldn't be classed as Mentally Retarded as the schools back in the 60's had. He has many talents and was a diligent father and husband, kept a job, played chess, did some casual sports, and is loving. Just lacks some language skills and comprehension is not as quick as my two other brothers that have degrees in business and computer science. But for him to use a computer as a social network he is not his forte'. He never was one to socialize except as a very friendly and helpful person. So he was the middle child and a frustration to my father, I'm sure. My father tried to "fix" him the best he could, but with a lot of expectations that this sensitive brother could not fulfill.

It was my sister in law, who finally stood up to my Dad and told him that he is not welcomed in their home as long as he is going to talk bad about his son in front of his children. My Dad couldn't believe that my brother could handle a check book and thought it was my SisinLaw doing the books. That is how low their expectations of his abilities were. So after that experience my mother wrote a letter to my brother and wife and sort of told them that he was disowned. It wasn't until a few years later that they made some type of amends. I was told this later by my sister in law.

My older brother and the middle one have remained close as one can be with not much in common, except that my older brother has helped them out financially a few times and they had lived in the same town as well for quite some time.

Yep, aren't family dynamics interesting, and if they aren't straightened out they fester and get worse or are carried on to the next generation. Ugh. Paislee

[SoWhatif]

Ms. Paislee, you go women. I am thinking I see your feeling better from watching the words you use. I am rooting for you.
Is there a chance maybe to much grief comes from obsessing from constant reminders? I was thinking 1 or a couple things to memorialize, from the description it is in every thing he touched. It just jumps out uncomfortable to me that in away you are overwhelming yourself with rememberance everywhere and in everthing you do. In my view there is not a chance for letting go so to let time heal, as it is still current.
Please stop blameing yourself. I see that also in the words, give thought to a change to Share or live in the moment action with your family "him", not the rememberance of him, revive the love and attributes of your son that is currently seperated from the immediate family and especally you. As a Mother you new your sons heart as only A MOTHER CAN. I think that he would not want his Mom sick with grief, at the young age we really did or do not realize or understand consequences of some actions we have taken. I just want your heart as ease, so you can share his Love everyday evrywhere instead of morning the past.
Use that Guardian Angel.

If I am wrong let me know and I will refrain and remove the post.

FROG= Foremost Rely On God

[Loveslife]

Paislee,
I like the warm words that Whatif shared with you. You must find an inner peace, a center place inside of you, that is free from guilt. Whatif is right. He doesn't want you to suffer and blame yourself. He is at peace now, and you must find a way to acceptance, but to always have him in your heart. He is a part of you, and that will never, ever change. Talk of him, speak of him, think of him, but in a loving and peacefull way.

This is a process, I believe. You must learn to take small steps towards healing. Have faith that he is safe and with his maker, and you will be together again, someday.

You still have plenty of living to do, as life is such a miracle.

As I was walking into the hospital today, I thought of Whatif. I heard a robin. I looked all around, and couldn't see him, but he saw me and was chirping that familiar loud chirp that robins make. Spring and rebirth is in the air.

I had a very ..... heartwrenching ....session with my psychiatrist today. We are really making progress.

We talked about my adolescence and all of the beatings I took, and I told her the things my mother used to tell me. They were of a sexual nature as to why my father left, and she always blamed me. We talked about why I was the lightening rod for her fury.

My psychiatrist compares her to my supervisor at work today. They are both mentally imbalanced and quite cruel. I just allowed my supervisor to walk all over me, and I never stood up for myself, because it is my pattern.

Oh, we really talked about so much.

I fit in everywhere, and I fit in nowhere. I'm no longer comfortable with my needlepoint ladies for instance, because they are uncomfortable with my new job position.

I don't quite fit in with the girls at work, because I'm only comfortable sharing part of me with them. They don't really know my backround, and I'm afraid they will judge me to be "snooty" if I told them where I've been in life.

My psychiatrist told me that I'm shattered into many many many different pieces. We have to make me whole again. I have to glue all of my pieces back together and be able to say ......."This is who I am. This is where I've been and where I am now"
"I hope you like me the way I am now, because I like myself; but this is who I am, take me or leave me"

This is all of me. I come with a past that may be different from yours, but we are not different.

I'm still working on this. She says I try to hard for approval, because I never, ever received my mother's approval.

So, my supervisor is having still a tug of war with me. I've taken a leave of absence from my volunteer work, which technically means it is not my job to find a sub while I'm gone. (if I'm sick, it is my job to find a sub)

Today she called me to say that I must find a sub for the entire month of March. As not many people will work for her, this is almost impossible to do. (remember, this is volunteer work)

I made my calls and was able to fill in a few dates, but then I emailed a formal letter stating that my calls have been made and I consider the matter closed. That was me being firm.

I really wanted to say "it's a shame that you can't treat people with respect, as you might have an easier time finding volunteers" but I didn't.

Anyway, I'm shattered and have been for a very long time. At least I know it now. Now my job is to glue me back together to make a whole me, and to accept me just the way I am.

Work was great today. I love it actually. We had a code red. A fire in the recovery room. That's a big deal. Everyone leaves and goes to the exit with the exception of the switchboard operators. We stay and deal with the fire department and all other calls and alarms.

Very cool, but scary, but cool too.

Goodnight Friends.

Love,

J.