Dear Diary

[Loveslife]

Hi Paislee,
I've been thinking about your trip to the lake. I not so secretly hope you do go by yourself. Sometimes solitude, reflection and interspection (is that even a word? if it is, it is spelled wrong) are a very good thing. Not too much solitude, but just enough to find your inner peace.
I think you need that, as there seems to be so much chaos surrounding your life.
Peace to you.

Tina, I'll never know the specifics of what happened on LTT after I "left" because Marilyn sort of protected me from the harshness of it all. Thank goodness, as I am way too sensitive. I agree, there was an alliance, and I think, upon much reflection, that that is quite normal. I think in groups, alliances are always formed. I just didn't understand why I wasn't liked but I've made peace with that.

I think all of the behind the scenes PMing must have been very hurtful and stressful for you, and for that I am truly sorry. I do and did take responsibility for posting as Lizzie. My armchair analysis was and is that I shocked and surprised some people that weren't used to being shocked and weren't used to feeling vulnerable. Whatever it was, I've learned my lessons and made it all into a life lesson to always, always, always seek to be authentic and true.

That is why I love you so much. You are authentic and true to the core. So is R.

peace and love always.
J.

[Loveslife]

PS
All of my above edits were simply grammatical corrections.

[manofmusic]

Tina,

I'm not taking that the wrong way at all. I'm keeping a positive attitude though. The dr told mom that she will be going home next week. They are checking her over from head to toe. All kinds of tests went on this week.

I'm know I'm being selfish, but I'm not ready to lose her yet. It's way too soon.

Positve attitudes only for me right now.

[Loveslife]

You're not being selfish at all, Mano. Not at all.
And thank you for finding us and sharing your story.
Sending angels to your mother.....

[manofmusic]

Thank you Loveslife ! One day I will read all of the posts in this thread, but right now, my mind is all over the place. Thanks for the angels. Right now, I think dad is mom's biggest angel right now.

[Loveslife]

Faith is a powerful force. Yes, I do believe your dad is a guardian angel. Of course he is.

[tina martin]

Mano, of course only a posititve attitude and hope for her strength to return. She will be so happy to return home.

J, I do view PM's with misgivings. There was quite a heated debate about it. It was not stressful to me, but thought it could be and perhaps was to others. I never could understand the appeal of PM's. There was another X factor who at one point PM'd me some miserable messages seemingly out of the blue. She disappeared for quite some time and then suddenly returned. I think they all moved on to Facebook, another grand puzzle for me.

I never thought you did anything wrong, Lizzie or no Lizzie. I felt it was your way of dealing with your issues. That was what we were there for, wasn't it? You are true to yourself working to make life better for yourself. And you have made it much, much better. That is the great effort I always admired in you. You were there to help yourself and to help others. That was evident to me. What some of the others were there for is for Sherlock to figure out. Nevertheless, I still think back to it often. Would still want to be there with the whole lot of them.

[Loveslife]

(((((HUGS TO TINA)))

Tina, I too missed LTT and grieved for quite some time. It was hard to just be there one day, and then be gone the next, and lose contact with everyone. It was surreal and very, very, very upsetting.

This happened to you too, because emotionally, you were so incredibly invested in the people and the purpose of the site.
To heal through living the truth and tracing our issues back to our childhoods.

Before I continue, I would like to talk aabout Lizzie for a moment. What I told Dr. K, but never had a chance to tell the group, was that Lizzie has been apart of me since I was very, very little. It's hard to explain but it's not as if I have "multiple personalites (sp), or even an imaginary friend.

When I needed to, I could sort of "split" my mind in two, and take "J" out of the picture, and Lizzie would be there instead.
"J" was always hovering overhead, watching ....

Now I know that that was the best way, the only way, I knew, to protect me. I substituted Lizzie in my place. She was me and I was her.

So, Lizzie sort of popped up at LTT and asserted herself. I've learned that I need to assert myself, without any tricks. I need to be authentically me, directly and without passive aggresiveness (sp) or without side stepping my issues.

Lizzie lives in me. Sometimes she calms me down. I guess she's my alter ego.

Now, getting back to LTT and Facebook, there really is a wonderful place where the others, some of them, go and converse and discuss Dr. Keith's blogs and videos. It's a face book page called Living The Truth. I would LOVE to help you go to this page, as I know that you would offer many wonderful insights. Please say the word, and I will send you the link.

Thank you for always being you, and not judging me, and understanding me. It is because of you and your strength, M. and her strength, and R. and his that I have made it through and am prospering and blossoming. OK, me and my strength too.

Love,
J.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi J, R, T and Mano-Hope things are going well for everyone. Mano, I also believe your father is watching over your mother and I hope she does well and comes home. Why not enjoy a nice summer with your mother to cheer your heart.

R, I hope you are having a great summer as well. Glad you were there to help J. And Tina, how is your summer going.
J talked about LTT and FB. I was wondering J if this is the one that R linked some people to. When I went there it was more people talking about how they miss LTT and it had its last postings by the DR, if I remember right. This is all I saw from R's link.

Yep, J, I feel excited to go by myself. Just the drive to the place is beautiful and the winding roading follows a beautiful river. It is very scenic, it won't be that different than being at home where I'm alone most of the time and this way I don't have to see all the "chores" or "tasks" that need doing. I am faced here at home just overwhelming things to do. Many areas to sort through stuff and decide what to do with it. Plus the yardwork and "manly" type chores that I just can't tackle on my own and need help from my sons or DH. They are all very busy with our business and the sons have their own interest, that my "hopes" of getting some projects done to make life easier, is put on the back burner.

So it is depressing at home part of the time...I find that I feel the best when I'm outside and active, but now that I'm getting older I have to be careful to not overdo.

I go to the waterpark with my Grandchildren and have fun, but there is a neighbor girl my DInLaw paid for to go with her to help with the kids, and I feel like I've been replaced. So that has been an adjustment, that I am no longer the "apple" of my little Grandchildren's lives. I know it isn't permanent and this is their growing experience. Grandmother's aren't suppose to be everything to their Grandchildren, but I was the one that played with them in the deep water since my daughter in law never took official swimming lessons. Plus now she is pregnant so really can't be as watchful or go down the waterslides with the kids.

So I understand all of that and I prefer the wave pool and lazy river vs the slides any day, so it works out okay. Just an adjustment. It was the conversation time that I had with my daughter in law that has changed as well, because there is a third person that is in Junior HIgh or high school. Also, now my daughter in law is texting while I'm with her. So here I am with my family to have one on one interaction and she is dividing her attention, between her kids, the "babysitter", cell phone and the waterpark.

But she always has had an attention problem and some anxiety issues. So I understand and accept the changes, knowing that she has extra hormones flowing through her bloodstream and this is the beginning of summer where before when we went it was the end of summer and the park wasn't crowded and this has only been my 2nd time to the park with the kids.

So no worries, just venting a little.

Well, visited with DH and the widow that is staying at one of our properties. She has one of the trailers with her stuff in it and she has been making the property and patio her own. She is looking better and I'm feeling better about her staying there for a year rent free to see how things go for her. She was happy to see me there as I haven't been there since she moved in and last time I was on the phone with her, I was not as comforting as I usually am due to my own frustration. But we had a great visit and she was glad to have us sit with her and have a fun conversation. So that was good.

Anyway, that is all I have to report except that I did clean out one of my fish ponds as one of my fish were gulping for air. The pond needed cleaning out, I had done it last year and I had no filtration in it, so I quickly started draining it and adding fresh well water, and the one gulping fish recovered, which I thought was a goner, as another one I rescued a month earlier did die. Now the pond is clear, the fish are happy, I can see them and I have a pump and filter going along with a fountain.

So this was quite satisfying for me as this is my favorite pasttime and brings me much peace, satisfaction and enjoyment. This is the pond that my late son built for me. So it always cheers my heart when it is functioning and brimming with life.
Paislee

[tina martin]

Paislee, also wish you the best on your trip away from the home with the chores. Have a great time.

J, it is very soothing to be able to speak about LTT because it was a great loss, first you and then the entire place. Honestly, I understand your Lizzie. I had problems with Self (still do somewhat) and still work at it. I see immense strides for you re your Self.

Thank you for the offer re FB but it might be overwhelming by now. Nothing whatsoever would get done at home. I am at this site and actually very involved at Zone. You know, my commie marriage had to be annulled because he was constanly into commie talk (are you smiling?). But I was able to come out as an atheist (or agnostic) with some others, 4 of us, in fact. You might imagine what goes on. So I am probably about as engaged as can be. Always very happy you are here and when R appears and Paislee here and Mano too. Also like putting in my 2 cents to others here now and then. Do always enjoy it when I think I can be of some help to others. Just an illusion, but pleasant nonetheless. Love.........T