Dear Diary

[SoWhatif]

Sitting in walmart lot watching all the different moms.





S

[tina martin]

J, dear, it's OK to cry, OK to have your feelings, to vent them. Mother's Day is ridiculous, if you ask me. I always tell my kids, "Every day is mother's day."

Forget it. Do what you like to do on any Sunday. Go for a walk and enjoy nature as you described it the other day. It is such a joy every day on my walk, especially, as you said, it is so beautiful now. But it is always beautiful to me. It can be to you too. It will soothe you and help you to regain your equilibrium.

[Paisleegreen]

Ah...J...you sweetheart, you! Thank you so much for helping me through this trial I'm having. I'm glad you posted all you did, don't be afraid to take "forum thread space" that's what it was invented for. You are so caring and strong...I appreciate all the ideas you have told me this morning. I've been getting the same advice and feelings is to work on myself, I guess that is what threw me off, was that I did, I had a super great time on my 4 day weekend away from home and I didn't want to leave the beautiful place I was at nor all the nice women and the fun we were having.

I did just as you suggested, but before I read it. I just stuffed DS's clothes into his baskets. No more laying out his t-shirts or putting his socks together. He has cluttered up my great room couches and the floor, sabotaging my efforts to have an orderly home. A home that I won't be embarrassed to have someone come over at the drop at a hat, therefore, I would invite people over more and have more happiness.

That's why I fret over the toenails, the greasy shoe prints on my new carpets. I don't have little children running around now and messing things up, I have replaced the old gold carpet that was put in the 70's to a mauve/taupe color and when DS or DH come in and don't clearly wipe their boots enough, I get prints on the staircase, hallway and my bedroom. They argue with me...this is where my frustration comes from.

They have complained about orderliness in our house, but when I change by getting rid of things or my hobbies, they continue to not do their share of keeping the place nice, ready for company or nice just for ourselves.

I did take a 1/2 of .5 Xanax last night, it helped to calm me down somewhat. So I might have to do that for a bit, until I can gradually get rid of things and focus on the Program. Plus not get so anxious when DH or DS is around and hopefully my Therapist will continue to help me go through this "Growth Spurt".

I understand your feelings about FB, I've risked going to Memory Lanes and have contacted one friend and then another classmate has contacted me. I exposed myself by letting them know my married name and where I live. By doing so, I've risked them letting others know. I don't have anything to worry about, I wasn't the cheerleader or most likely to succeed girl in the yearbook, but I have nothing to be embarrassed about. I blended in...with a school of 2000 students, was friendly, and only went to the VP for laughing in a business class. Otherwise, I was an average student that went on to college, that my parents paid for. Nothing outstanding, just a friendly person...

So I don't have friends from high school on FB, except for one that I connected with last spring at this time. But our lives are so caught up in our own families and the cities we live in that we don't connect much at all.

I feel for you as you tell the story of the little girl trying so desperately to unbutton her pants to use the restroom. I've had some embarrassing stories like that as a little girl, and I feel for the little girl for having a not so nice mother.
There has been many times I've walked myself to school and realized that I still had two brush rollers in my hair, this was for my bangs, which I put in myself. I quickly took them out and tried my best to brush my hair with the brush from the curlers.

I've had my mother tell me one day as I came in from playing that I looked like a "plain jane". Thanks, Mom...not the most encouraging words to hear from your mother to a 9 or 10 year old girl. There's more...but maybe for another day.
So I understand how painful that must be for that little girl...with the wet pants...I can feel her embarrassment and hurt.

Okay, I will work on being calm, pace myself, give myself positive self-talk, take a Xanax if I need to, speak my mind about the toenails, and get rid of stuff.

There is another thing that has bothered me...DS brought home from a friend's place after he helped him move, a love seat. His plans are to take it downstairs to his "media room" my old family room w/ a nice burning stove/fireplace with a beautiful brick mantel and hearth. This is part of what disturbs me with him changing it to fit his needs and entertain his friends.

Anyway, he already has rearranged this room and moved the sectional couch to the other wall and added banana chairs to accommodate his friends. The banana chairs get stacked on the lovely hearth. Well, he said he was going to take this love seat/hideabed down stairs. I, of course, visualized what this would look like and the space it would take, etc. I didn't disagree with him, but have waited to see if he is going to do it. He has not, it sits in the front yard on the side of the garage for all to see and blocks my passage to my backyard.

Very frustrating, as I have to go around a boat we are storing and I can't carry or drag garbage cans from the back yard to the front w/o harming this boat. It isn't ours right now, but could be. Anyway, the loveseat use to be covered in plastic, but the wind uncovers it and I protect it. Lately, I have not bothered to protect it, I let it be. DS should be the one to protect it.

I've decided since I really don't want it down stairs and DS obviously doesn't care about its condition, I will let nature take its course. It would have been nice if it went to Goodwill, but I really don't know the condition of it as a bachelor owned it. And I don't believe he is the cleanest guy around.

So eventually, I believe this will get tossed, I will have DH get involved and move it out of my way though and comment on how it is an eyesore, since they complain about things that I leave out for gardening purposes.
I think I will wait a bit though to have the couch get completely ruined first, so that it isn't brought down stairs. The guys have already used some of this guys furniture for target practice at a shooting range.

Thanks again J, you are a sweetheart and I know how worrisome children can be and to have one in jail is such a worry. My Sis in Law is experiencing the same thing, but it is the only way this girl is going to change. It was very hard on her to see her daughter go from being an A student to dropping out and not graduating from high school and then get involved with a guy that sold drugs. Then she married him and that was a fiasco, so the marriage is broken up and I think the young husband is in jail as well, not sure. I only hear this stuff from my daughter or husband, since the girl is my husband's niece.

Well, time to get dressed and go to church and see what the messages will be on Mother's.

J, I'm truly sorry about your dear friend and him taking his life. There are always more factors to a person committing suicide. A good and helpful book called, Night Falls Fast explains all facets of suicide and what studies have been done on why people do it. Also, why, even being in a psych hospital won't prevent it. People that want to kill themselves will find a way even with the most watchful eye. They know how to fool their Drs in letting them out of the hospital to kill themselves.

I hope this isn't disturbing to you, it is only suggested to help people understand a little of what suicidal people are thinking.

Hugs, back at you, J!

[tina martin]

Dear J, Dear P, I hope you have both recovered from mother's day and all else connected with others. A big lesson is Letting Go. Paislee, my daughter taught me to let go at the advanced age of 2. No kidding. It is a chapter in the "book" I wrote about her.

A good Monday to both of you. I go to Tai Chi class and the gym and then a walk. Lilacs are out, Love...........T

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Tina, I'm not sure what you mean by "letting go"? There are many ways to let go, so you might have to be specific.

[tina martin]

Paislee, maybe what I experienced has no relevance to what you describe. I accept that. I'll briefly relate one experience when I had to let go thinking that I could raise my daughter (2nd child) as I did my son, first born. She was different from the outset. The 2nd chapter about her is "Party Dresses Are Out." I tell of a terrible scene with her when she was 2 and would not wear a very pretty hand knitted dress her aunt had made for her and with whom we were going out to eat to celebrate a niece's graduation.

The little 2 year old won the day: shirt, corduroy pants, sneakers went to the restaurant. At the table she charmed everyone while I sat there dumbfounded. But I knew I never wanted another scene like that. The same concessions came from me re her handling of toys neatly handed down by brother, and the state of her room when I tried to go in there. She set the tone of the relationship at 2. More was to come later.

[Loveslife]

Thank you all for your compassion and understanding regarding my obvious loss of equilibrium, as Tina so kindly put it.

I briefly reviewed my diary entries, and they were painful to read, to say the least. Or I should say my entries, as not all of them were "dear diary."

Tina, I wanted to let you know that I am in touch with M., and she is trying to join us on this site, but is locked out because she cannot remember her user name/password. I told her that I would help by being in touch with the site administrators. I do hope this glitch can be quickly worked out. She misses you all and sends her love.

I will be off to Los Angeles on Thursday, and be busy here doing last minute errands and packing, etc.

(((((( LOVE ))))) to all.
J.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi J, Have fun in L.A.! We'll miss you!

Hi, T, I understand now what you are saying, I've done a lot of letting go, since I have 5 children, 4 of them are boys. I love the story about your DD and the knitted dress. I've experienced those scenes and events many a time! I'm just trying to figure out where to draw the line in the sand and find peace. There has been some other heartbreak that I don't share on here...so I've really come a long way in concessions and letting go. You are only hearing the tip of the iceberg.

I made an appt w/ my therapist to visit with him alone. I need to get more talking time out w/o DH there. I've had a good Mother's Day, considering the way I've been feeling. I didn't have any expectations, so it turned out nice.

I've heard some disappointing news that I was concerned about a believed to be true, DS 20 year old, has been too busy working on the pick up, which is a choice, not a necessity and has been too tired to studied for those all important tests he has to take to get I.T. Certification. He visited with the professor and he is allowing a C grade and by the end of summer if he doesn't complete the testing, then the grade for a 16 credit class will be poor and I'm assuming lack of levels of Certification.

So this always comes back to the choice we ask him, do you want to do hard manual labor all your life or have an easier career that pays more w/ benefits? I get concerned when he puts things off for the fun stuff because summer is coming and that means, more play time in the pick up and speed boat. Plus I'm waiting for him to do some electrical work around our property as well.

So this is stressful to me, and it would be easier to not have to see him dawdling away his time like other kids do when they are away from home. So I guess I'll just work on what I can do for myself and see my Therapist and go play. BTW, the love seat is still uncovered and getting rained on... DS is out welding some steel thing under the pick up. I do count my blessings that what he is doing is not a bad thing...he is a good son...I just have to work on not worrying about him. Paislee

[maryanne_g]

Hi everyone I just read a few posts on here, and it is devistating about AZ. Here is what I would like to tell you. I just felt I can't not mention this to you. There is a guy. His name is Solomon Moiseev. His origin is from Ukraine and then Israel. He claims to have power from God to heal all kinds of ailments including schitzefrenia (don't know if I spelled it right), epilepcy and all kinds of things. There are people that witness that he helped them with heart, prostate cancer and many other things. My sister knows someone at her job, who personally had help from him, and said it worked. So, I think it is worth trying. He's been in TV programs, mostly Russian since that's where he originally is from. He runs a foundation and says proceeds from the work he does (he calls this healing work from God) go to that foundation to help others. He says he does it by sort of speaking the language of the ilness by chanting some special prayers, and putting his hands on the problem area. He also does it by phone, and someone close to the person with the illness on hte other end of the line has to put her/his hands on the problem area of the person with the illness. Sometimes he needs 2 or 3 sessions. Sometimes one is enough. I am in NO WAY AFFILIATED WITH HIM. But as I read all this about AZ it just broke my heart. And I know how it sounds, but htere are people who witness that he completely cured them from various illnesses. So if nohting else works, why not try. Just do a search on him the name again is Solomon Moiseev. Though he is Jewish by ethnicity he believes there is only one God for all people, and the various religions is just what various nations created. As we people were able to understand God. In ohter words he is not following Judaism nor any of the organized religions. He believes in one God and he helps people from any religious or personal background. Most of the info about him is in Russian, but there are English speaking videos on Youtube too. If you call his staff speaks English and they can explain everything to you. Once again I swear and God is my witness that I am not affiliated with him at all. I just found out from my sister a few days ago, because someone at her work was suffering from anxiety related to health problems, and they went to him for the health problems and got healed. Then the anxiety was no longer there because there was no illness that was causing the anxiety in the first place.

I wish all of you the best in your personal struggles with anxiety and depression. As well as with these issues regarding AZ. I myself suffer from very acute anxiety, and I want to find people on this site that I can relate to, and possibly get to know. We understand each other and we don't have to put on a mask as we do in front of other people, who only judge us. My best wishes to all of you.
Maryanne

[tina martin]

It is lovely, Maryanne, to meet you and welcome you. This thread is for everyone as I'm sure loveslife (J, for short) would agree. It never hurts to share what we know and could help. The program here can and does help. There have been numerous testimonials. Happy to have you with us.

Paislee, I no sooner post something and worry, "Why did you say that?" But I need never worry with you. You are a gem of a person and that's why your family loves you regardless of their shenanigans.

J, always think of M with a life full of people and activities. She is an accomplished, great lady. Do you know what it would take for me to get on an airplane? Morphine and a stretcher. So you are adventuresome, strong, independent. Have a wonderful time.

Roomie here announced he intends to retire this year. Terror through my soul. I'll get a chance to apply the ideas I dish out for others. May have to retract everything and go for meds. First I'll get him some, he he.