I reached out to an ex...

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 10:37 am

I am going to say this, and then I really have to sign off and go work for awhile: Search deep in your heart before you keep this up. Recently a long term relationship of my own went south because he decided it would be cool to explore with one of his old flames. You want to have lunch with her? Take your wife and your child. If you can't do that, then Mary Jane is 100% correct, it's not appropriate. Here is a rule I live by: I don't say anything about someone that I wouldn't say if they were standing next to me. And I don't do anything which affects someone else unless I would do it with them watching me. Think about that. Sorry, but you posted this, and some of us don't agree with you. Don't get mad at us for not going along with your plan. We aren't mad at you. We are trying to help you see you are not on a good healthy coarse of action here. I am a lot older than you. Been there, know how much harm what you are doing can create. And children are always hurt the most.

Pujols5 · Post by **Pujols5** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 10:54 am

I respect everyones point of view. You all are probably right.

I admitted that emailing her on a day to day basis was damaging to her and probably myself too.

All I was looking to do by doing the lunch thing was to meet up once a year and catch up. That was all.

Maybe for once sports talk radio is right - maybe men and women cannot be friends. Unfortunate but probably the way it is.

wiskersonkittens · Post by **wiskersonkittens** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 11:09 am

I have been in similar situations. I have this need to reach out to people from my past, even ex-boyfriends because I feel I am either looking for something that I feel is missing, or I need that closure. Sometimes things are just left undone and thus we feel undone and I find it helps to reach out and see how things are, see where I stand. I had a good friend many years ago. We never dated, but we were pretty close. After high school, college, etc. we got back in touch with one another and things were going well. We were both married and such and we tried to maintain our friendship. Then, I'll never forget this . .. I remember picking up the phone and calling him out of the blue after we lost touch for a little while. I remember saying "I just called because I was thinking of you," and he said, "Thanks. I've gotta go." I knew right then where I stood all of a sudden and it still hurts. I was devastated because he was a link to a time in my life when I was truly happy and I was pushed away. Even now the few little messages we send one another are provoked by me, and he is very short and to the point with me. I get the message. As I said, I have also been in touch with ex- boyfriends who even now my first love and I are still good friends. We are both married and I don't see it as being unfaithful when we write and gab about the olden days. I think we all feel that need to have some connection to our past, and he is it for me. I also feel people like us feel a lot of guilt over things, sometimes more than we need to whether it is dealing with stuff happening in the present, or stuff in the past. I think we are all searching. I am still not quite sure what it is I am searching for, but I hope I find it. I tend to live in the past a lot for that reason. Does any of this ring any bells with you? Do you feel you can relate? I don't think you are a bad guy for doing what you did. I think you are just lost, like me. My best to you -- Wiskers (oh, and I am not the big green guy -- I am the woman).

Rachel81 · Post by **Rachel81** » Fri Aug 22, 2008 11:44 am

Wiksers- what a nice post. I can kinda relate to pujols. However I can't say that I have the great feeling of having anyone want to spend their life with me. Hence it being hard where I'm at in the program (a newbie) to fight the blues (dk. blue...matbe prussian blue

) I have dealt with these feelings of anxiety and dpression for a long time...as long as I can remember. It would go in waves and I'd have times of feeling good (although always a mile a minute mind, analytical, and emotional). Yet this sadness would often return. I met a great guy when I wasn't looking for love. I realy didn't even want anything to do with him. But, I am sure that many know how that can go....I fell completely in love. We dated for years, sharing wonderful times together. And I can still say that he knows me better than ANYONE....and I still love him so much. It is such a complicated thing with us. I feel like it shouldn't be, especially b/c I really feel like we always were (and still are) meant to be together. Hmmmm...I don't want for this to get too long, and as I said it's complicated...and hard for me to think of without feeling the strong emotions I have tied up with him. But I just wanted to say that your post seemed very compassionate and sincere. Thanks...for some reason it made me smile.

OC Mike · Post by **OC Mike** » Sat Aug 23, 2008 12:58 am

I did keep this from my wife but I thought I wasn't doing anything wrong

Think about that for a minute. When we feel compelled to hide something like that from someone we love, chances are we know it's wrong in our hearts.

I can't speak for you but I can speak for myself. When I've done things I felt a need to hide from others, that created more anxiety than it ever could have treated.

Pujols5 · Post by **Pujols5** » Sat Aug 23, 2008 11:05 am

All - thanks so much for reading and replying. Even Pecoes. I am sure that my friend Jim would have ridden me just as hard as she did.

I think I just needed to get off my chest and you all gave me something to think about. I really hadn't talked to anyone about it. I feel better today but I will still go back and visit session 3.

I disagree that I did anything wrong. We both needed closure and I believe that the greater good is being served in both of our marriages. I talked to some of my wife's friends at a party last night and fail to see the difference.
If anyone says that they have told their spouses everything I think that they are lying.

However - in the unlikely event that I hear from Abi again I know what to do. No emails. Lunch only if both of our spouses agree to let us do it. I would put the odds of my seeing her again at 5-10%.

Here is a link to the song I consider my theme to recovery. It is the last song from the "Bronx is Burning" miniseries. You can debate whether or not I am there yet I don't really care but two years ago I would have been uunable to have this discussion due to anxiety. I hope you all enjoy.

<A HREF="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5bOz0s201I" TARGET=_blank>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5bOz0s201I</A>

God Bless.

Pujols5

FrancesL · Post by **FrancesL** » Sat Aug 23, 2008 1:36 pm

Everyone is throwing their two cents in here...I will too.

I believe that is TOTALLY inappropriate. It's one thing to go back and apologize for something. It's quite another to try to carry on a "relationship" of sorts. Especially if it is something you don't tell your spouse about.

If I can be more frank here, I would say that it sounds as though you are unhappy in your own life and second guessing whether you made the right decision to marry your wife. In that state...it looks more like seeing what's there with the other person than it does to get some closer on some "mistake" made in the past. Especially since it wasn't a simple call or email...it was carried on. Obviously when the emails turned into flirtatious ones, and going down memory lane of your other relationship....that is not "getting closer." If you cross those lines now, then it makes it very clear what underlying intentions are, whether you want to admit those to yourself or not. It is not your wife's job to make you happy. It's your job to make you happy. And if you are not happy, it doesn't give you the right to do things behind your wife's back to try to fill it elsewhere.

Secondly...since this is the place you are in, and obviously the first round of contact turned inappropiate, then how in the world could you think that it IS appropriate to try to seek out further contact, at any point??

What good was it to start rem. about this ex? If it is not inappropriate, why don't you show all those emails to your wife? I am a very secure woman, and I would consider this behavior WRONG.

I am not trying to be ugly here, but I don't sugar coat...it just isn't my thing, and it doesn't do anyone any good.

Don't lie to yourself to make yourself feel better about what you are doing. If you do it anyway, fine, that's your decision...but if you are going to do it, get your head out of the sand and get real about what your true intentions are, and what you are doing. TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.

If my husband had done something like this I would DEFINITELY consider it a form of betrayal and crossing the line. And it would DEFINITELY cause issues in our relationship.

The issue is you taking responsibility to make yourself happy...and stop sugar coating inappropriate things so you don't have to feel bad about them if you decide that you want to reach out to someone else at the expense of your wife to give you something that you are responsible for in the first place.

No wonder there is such a high divorce rate these days. This kind of behavior makes me SICK...and if you are going to do it, at least be real and ask yourself if that's the kind of man you want to be. If so, so be it...but don't twist in your head somehow that your wife is just too insecure. Frankly, if she is subjected to that kind of behavior I would think she should LEAVE, and have very good reason to do so!

bevhembree · Post by **bevhembree** » Sat Aug 23, 2008 2:09 pm

I'd be hurt if my husband did that, especially not telling me about it.

Could you answer honestly what you'd have done if she pursued a relationship and wanted to meet up/hook up?

I'm 38, married for the 2nd time for almost 3 years; the 1st was 12 years. You can get in a rut easily in your marriage, but it's not too hard to get out of.

Make a date with your wife. Give her notice to buy or look in the closet to find something she feels pretty in. Compliment her all the previous week. SMILE at her. Look her in the eye. Send her flirtatious emails. Find a song for the two of you if you don't have one. (Maybe we can all help on that one!) Sing it to her in the car on the way. Treat her to a massage- not a 2 minute one either- give her 15 of your minutes- nothing racy yet (hold off on that). Tell her she's beautiful. Thank her for marrying you and giving you a child. Keep on and don't give up. She'll feel wonderful and return the affection. She'll be the one rocking your world again!

Pujols5 · Post by **Pujols5** » Sun Aug 24, 2008 8:19 am

Frances L-

I had spoken to my wife about this issue four years ago. My wife told me not to contact her under any circumtances "for my wife".

Seing that when I suffered anxiety I used to have nightmares about this ex. I suspected that I did not handle the situation well.

Would that have been fair to either of my self or the ex not to have that closure? So we talked about friendship and I told her that I thought "You can leave your hat on" is a seductive song. I ask - what is so wrong with that? Never did I once tell her I loved her or wanted to get back together.

When I went to get a haircut yesterday I had an attractive woman cut it. Do I have to give my wife an excruciating report of what was said?
I just think that there are some things that are better left unsaid.

In light of my discussions on this tread I do not have any intentions of contacting my ex again.

Go back and listen to session 6. Lucinda says that if you need closure seek this person out. She does not say check with spouse first. She even went on to say that she wanted the same thing with her ex - friendship.

Sorry but you are way off base here. I wish you luck just the same.

proudmomof2 · Post by **proudmomof2** » Tue Aug 26, 2008 9:55 am

I know this is a well covered topic and I may be beating a dead horse here, but when I read your post I had to respond.

After re-reading your post I was a little confused. It sounded as if you were already in a relationship with your wife when you first met this other woman. Is that correct? So you never had a relationship with her, but wanted one or you did have a relationship with her while you were still dating your girlfriend, now wife? Correct me if I am wrong.

I have concerns here on many levels. If I interpreted this correctly than you were contemplating an affair of sorts before you even married your wife with this woman. Now that you are married, you are still considering it.

Putting the words "flirtatious" and "doing nothing wrong" together is inaccurate. If you are having contact with another woman whether by phone, email, letters, in person meetings, whatever, that you are not telling your wife about and your wife has previously asked you not to have contact with this woman, you are clearly doing something wrong. Your conscience knows this and that is why you are bothered by it and put up on this post.

What you are doing is an emotional affair. You are expressing interest in another woman and wondering what if..... even if you are just talking and reminiscing about the past, their is an intent there. "You can leave your hat on" is a purely sexual song. It is all about having sex with someone. You are kidding yourself if you think it was all innocent.

She obviously realized it was heading in a bad direction and that is why she returned your stuff and ended it so abrumptly. Either that, or her husband caught her and she had no choice.

I may sound like another ***chy female, but I have been here. My husband had a "friend" at work who he just started talking to casually at work, which led to friendly co-woker lunches, which led to flirtation, which led to explicit emails, and eventually sex. This lasted almost a year.

I think you said you had a kid or the other woman did, if you both do not respect your spouses enough to not tempt fate, you should respect that child.