Needed to share

[allenae9]

Thanks Chris, I needed the reassurance.

[allenae9]

It is incredible to read back through my journey but so heart wrenching that I recently stopped with the program again. Looking back I can see how much growth I experienced. I'm so happy I logged in tonight to see how everyone is doing. There are many inspiring stories out there and I'm ready to be one of them... again. My boyfriend recently sat me down for a serious talk. I thought we were a little rocky but of course it was his fault. *typical anxiety* its remarkable how much I can learn from this program and how fast it can be forgotten. Goodness... Anyway he started out the night asking me what is wrong, repeatedly followed by you aren't yourself, also repeatedly. I didn't think there was anything wrong. Then he explained to me how I have been consistently telling him "I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm bored, I'm depressed." And how almost everything that came out of my mouth was negative. My jaw dropped and tears started to run when he said "if your depression is such an issue why don't you take medicine". Well let me tell you, I have never been so offended in my life. God love him he asked why that hurt me so much. I told him because i know i can be happy if i focus on my tapes and putting back into practice what ive learned... and ladies be jealous because that's when he told me "right, like i said medicine: you taking care of yourself." I've never had such an emotional wake up call. I was speechless to him, because i was talking to myself in my head "if the people around me are still supporting my journey, why the hell am i not?"

So that is what brought be back and im so happy to be here. And very happy it didnt take me years to come back like last time. Just an update ive been eating much better im on a 1950 calorie diet, im drinking lots of water, and staying active as a result ive gained a lot of energy, and lost a bit of weight. What ive learned is that when i start focusing on just one aspect of my life i lose the happiness. My goal is to find a balance that works for me. So here is to getting back on track. Cheers!

[allenae9]

I'm having trouble being assertive. My boyfriend listens to me but I don't know how much gets through. I've tried being more assertive about how I've been feeling about our relationship. I've realized I expect him to respond in a different way than he is. But what I expect are things I think I deserve. And what do I do when I don't get what I expect? Just end a relationship with someone I love? Love is definitely a headache and a half. Is there a tape on love? *sigh* so much trouble this week. I need to go back and do my homework.

[allenae9]

OVERWHELMED!!! My situation... I have one year left of college, i'm being forced out of my current living situation that was free and provided by my employer, I can't afford to get an apartment on my own because of my car payment and insurance, my boyfriend is living in a home that is controlled by a family member (with quite often unrealistic demands) but the rent is free. Seems reasonable to move in with him but i'm so worried about what that will do to our relationship. Not necessarily living with him but moving into a home where I have no control, where my decisions are less valuable. I worked through my emotions over and over. I finally came to the conclusion that I can try it and if it doesn't work I can move out. I fear without my own roof over my head I will lose my voice, lose control over my finances, my health, my lifestyle. I understand much of this has to do with my anxieties. Over the phone I shared with my boyfriend my decision, my concerns, and my boundaries. I expected (uh-oh) a response of excitement. His response was not bad at all. He is often a quiet individual especially when he is tired. Keep in mind when I was sharing my concerns I felt overwhelmed and choked up often. When he did get talking about it the first thing he brought up was how my cat does not get along with his pets. His solution was to get rid of one of the cats because he didn't want two. I feel strongly that when you get a pet you have it for the remaining of its lifetime. The thought of getting rid of a pet hurt but the stubbornness of my boyfriend and his negative, authoritative tone is what ignited my anxiety. I asked to get off the phone and call once I was calmed down. We got off the phone but he didn't respect my space and called repeatedly, i'm sure in grave concern. When we continued the conversation he was in utter disbelief, found I was over thinking and over reacting, stated his opinion on my cat again, and infamously tried to make it about how I didn't want to live with HIM. Which is absolutely ridiculous. I want it so bad and am so frustrated and upset that there are so many things holding us back. He doesn't understand my emotions but can't accept them either. I wish we both could be more patient. I wish it wasn't so hard to find another option until i'm more prepared for such an anxiety provoking moment. I feel like I hurt him by sharing with him that moving in at this time would be very difficult and emotional. I'm sure it doesn't help that I haven't been working on my anxiety and depression or the program. Like I've said before I have trouble balancing school, work, relationships, my mental, emotional, and physical health. I have a gut feeling and my mother always told me to trust that. So for now i'm, questionably, going to find another solution to my living situation.

*sigh* unwinding a bit. So grateful to have a place to share my struggles especially where they will be read by others who understand.