The Challenge...Lesson 8

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Tue Nov 02, 2010 4:35 pm

Ok I want to talk a bit about good and bad communication (I am getting to what I was going to put about relationship communication (I haven't forgotten mcshope))

Good communication;

1)Express your feelings openly and directly
2)You encourage the other person to express his/her feelings

You say how you are thinking and feeling, and you try to listn and understand what the other person is thinking and feeling

Bad communication;

1)Truth
-You insist that you are "right" and the other person is "wrong"

2)Blame
-You say that the problem is the other person's fault

3)Martyrdom
-You claim you are an innocent victim

4)Put-down
-You imply that the other person is a loser because he/she "always" or "never" does certain things

5)Hopelessness
-You give up and insist there's no point in trying

6)Demandedness
-You say you're entitled to better treatment but you refuse to ask for what you want in a direct straight-forward way.

7)Denial
-You insist you don't feel angry, sad or hurt when you really do.

8)Passive agression
-You pout or withdraw or say nothing. You may strom out of the room or slam doors

9)Self-blame
-Instead of dealing with the problem, you act as if you're an aweful, terrible person.

10)Helping
-Instead of hearing how depressed, hurt, or angry the other person feels, you try to "solve the problem" or "help" him or her.

11)Sarcasm
-Your words or tone of voice convey tension or hospitality which you aren't openly acknowledging.

12)Scapegoating
-You suggest that the other person has "a problem" and that you're sane, happy and uninvolved in the conflict.

13)Defensiveness
-You refuse to admit any wrong-doing or imperfection

14)Counterattack
-Instead of acknowledging how the other person feels, you respond to their criticism by criticizing them.

15)Diversion
-Instead of dealing with how you both feel in the here-and-now, you list grievances about past injustices.

Mike

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Tue Nov 02, 2010 4:41 pm

THH could you start us off in the assertiveness practice thread. Think of something you still struggle with yourself maybe like anxiety symptoms. I'd like for you to start of with an insult from an external party (some mean person) that you would be worried about. I don't know like maybe if you sound timid or not confident and someone points it out or something. Then I can be you and respond in a way to start the process of assertiveness and we can start the beginning of a script.

Mcshope and Karen L, you could also do this too. I'd like to get this started as soon as possible.

Mike

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Tue Nov 02, 2010 6:40 pm

This is Ricky Martin's first interview after coming out and I know its about coming out but some of these things can be said about just confronting anxiety and I really felt strongly that I needed to post this

Ricky martin interview with Oprah

Mike

mcshope · Post by **mcshope** » Wed Nov 03, 2010 12:31 am

Thank you for the video Mike, it gave me a lot to think about

Karen L · Post by **Karen L** » Wed Nov 03, 2010 1:27 am

omg Mike.....what an awesome video...I bookmarked so I can come back n watch it whenever Im feeling like "Im not enough"...I ended up spending the last 30 minutes watching other clips of the interview on Oprah...Ricky is such an inspiration.....he really knows who he is and we can all learn from him..

I have struggled for several years with my daughter being a lesbian...it was always an inner struggle, as I always let my daughter know that I loved her....funny how I had no problem accepting other people's sexual preference, but when it came to my daughter, I just couldnt for a long time.....Im not quite all the way there, but I am close...her girlfriend always comes over with her and she is treated like family....but the acceptance I want is an inner peace, total acceptance of who she is....I still have my moments that I wish she was not gay, but they are getting less and less....and I am to the point that all I want is her happiness...

if you would have asked me 3 yrs ago how I felt I would have denied her sexuality saying she was confused....

Im not sure why I went off on that tangent lol....I guess Mike you have to be true to who you are.....dont worry about how it affects others or how they view you....the important people will accept you and stand by your side no matter what....Im not saying yell on a mountain top you are gay lol....unless you want to lol...but just be true to yourself...there is nothing about you to be ashamed of...you are an awesome person

and thanks so much for the video!!!

Karen L · Post by **Karen L** » Wed Nov 03, 2010 2:19 am

I am on the road to recovery. There will be obstacles, but I am moving in the right direction. I must feel the discomfort to know it will not hurt me.

Had a rough day yesterday from when I woke up, just didnt feel right...my counselor came over...drove around and parked and talked...made it almost to my daughter's school, but the not right feeling was looming in the background....we spent about 1 1/2 hours in the car and talked alot...it felt good and I was also proud of myself that I was able to stay in my car away from home and just drive and talk

the not right feeling continued through the day so I kept busy...had to replace both of the flushing mechanisms in my toilets, it was not a good time lol, but I kept busy...by late afternoon I just said to myself "you just arent feeling well, doesnt mean it's anxiety, might just be a touch of the flu or something"...I downplayed it and accepted the feelings.....I ended up not worrying about it and not beating myself up.....I did have to run to the store in the evening and just accepted that I didnt feel well and would not feel great at the store....while there, I did not panic, just accepted it...this is a very big step for me

going to rake leaves again today...are these leaves ever going to stop?? lol....I have a huge tree and there are several others in my neighbors yard.....but I think its just excuse, I love being outside and I do like doing yard work

Mike

you are like a little social butterfly...you do awesome for someone who has a hard time in social situations....you are doing great!!!

some how I just knew you would be an adult trick or treater lol...you are so carefree and young at heart

dont ever lose that quality, it is awesome

I was wondering about the person you made out with at the party...did you know this person?? is anything going to develop or was this just something for the moment?? just wondering because I have alot of issues in this area...I dont want to be alone and just being with someone on a casual basis makes me feel good in the moment, and makes me feel accepted....but then I get anxious and depressed....I know we are in different situations but just wondering if there was some common link......when I found out in April my ex had slept with someone else I was mad...yes, we were broke up, but I was just with him sexually the week prior....anyways I was so upset that in May, and then again in June I slept with someone....partly revenge, partly to get the instant closeness and to feel wanted....but afterward I was so depressed and anxious....thats part of the reason I have stayed away from men up until now lol.....Im no longer beating myself up over it......just trying to mentally understand my motivation behind what I did and learn better ways to deal with my empty feelings....maybe your encounter was nothing but a fun moment, so please dont take my questions the wrong way......just trying to get some insight to this condition and why I sometimes do the things that I do....

btw, excellent new quote!! I like it

yes, being assertive does not mean having to win......I have a hard time with this also.....I think its more about being able to walk away with feeling good about yourself, not whether you won the arguemnt or not...very good point

avoidance and ridiculous amounts of time on other activities is something I struggle with also...I dont think anyone can tell you what is an acceptable amount of time for any one thing in particular...I think thats something we are looking at and learning now too....you are at least aware of this, as I am.....sometimes I spent way to much time just surfing the web, playing games, etc...the point is that I am now aware of it...and I have been trying to catch up on some things I have been avoiding, such as washing the bathroom walls, fixing the toilet, painting, etc....Im not trying to do everything in one day, but I am making sure to give myself time to do some tasks that I have been avoiding.....I know this doesnt help much with you dilemma on where to draw the line, but I think its just a decision you need to make up for yourself....funny how you and I both have this same issue going on at the same time....Im trying to see it in positive light that at least I am realizing my procrastinations and my over-board activies....maybe this is just where we are suppose to be?? taking the time to re-evaluate who we are and what is important to us??

THH

I never heard of Joel Osteen, I will have to do some research lol

for some reason listening to people preach positive life experiences and a higher power just raises my spirit and my outlook....I have been questioning mybeliefs for a few years now, so Im not sold on one religion....I just know I believe in God and am willing and open to listen to anyone that is a positive motivational speaker, religious or not

thanks so much for re-inforcing my positives!! It makes me look back and say "yes!! I did do it!! and I do have something to feel good about!!"

glad to hear you enjoyed Halloween and glad that you were able to enjoy some lil ones in costume

Im not a big Halloween person, but I do love seeing the lil ones dressed up and the excitement of their faces

my big holiday is Christmas...I decorated by Thanksgiving and love sitting in the dark with the lights on...I like shoveling snow too lol...but for me its just a peaceful, almost magical time of the year

Hope and Jamie

just wanted to let you know Im thinking about you two....hope all is good

creamcheesepuff

thanks for sharing your situation.....it always help knowing we are not alone

and thanks so much for your postive words

"we can work it out" by the beetles is an awesome song

THH · Post by **THH** » Wed Nov 03, 2010 4:06 am

Mike,
Are you going to do some part time work? What are you not sure how to control?

My bad communication is 1) Hopelessness 2) Demandedness Sprinkled with 3) self blame.

The video you posted was really good with Rickie Martian!

I'll start the ball rolling on the other thread.

THH · Post by **THH** » Wed Nov 03, 2010 4:08 am

Hope,
I really like your new

Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, it empties today of its strength." – Unknown

THH · Post by **THH** » Wed Nov 03, 2010 4:23 am

Karen,
Joel always gives up lifting messages. That is what attracted me to him. I too have been questioning my beliefs it started heavey last year when my husbands brother died suddenly. The whole family dynamics changed and was a very trying time for me. I needed comfort and had to really search my beliefs to give myself comfort. I am stronger now, I want to learn more. Before I was afraid to admit I believed in something and did not want a lable. But I discovered I am a better person to everyone when I am healthy and strong that includes some good beliefs.( for me ) I needed to look in all directions as I had closed my mind to many things. Now its open. I'm learning....

I like winter too. Each season does bring its own beauty to us. Snow is great and I too love lights. Its very soothing and feels so warm.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Wed Nov 03, 2010 4:14 pm

I was listening to a Madonna song and I usually don't think too much about the words in songs because I usually have a hard time understanding things in songs. Anyways I wanted to share my interpretation of the lyrics.

Here is the song;

Frozen by Madonna

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

You are in control of what you focus on and if you are focusing on the negative stuff how can you have the life you want? When you focus on the pain you are frozen in the past and your heart isn't open to life

You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open

You're so consumed with what you don't have, You waste your time with hate and regret and it ruins your life and keeps you from living.

[Chorus:]

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

If I could stop your pain then you can feel love, give yourself to love...only you have the power.

Now there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Theres no point in continuing to relive the pain, and I suffer pain just like you do. When you spend your time suffering it hurts me too.

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

Love needs to be free but it can't when you keep reliving the pain of the past. Your pain keeps you from love and from enjoying life.

[chorus]
[verse]
[chorus, repeat]

If I could melt your heart

Mike