The Challenge...Lesson 9

[Paisleegreen]

Jamie, I am barely getting to know your story, but I understand completely. We are here to heal and then move forward to other pursuits. I had to leave a suicide website after awhile due to it was time to start moving outside and back to doing what I use to do before my son's death. So I know that it is time for you to go enjoy life and help others in other ways. Paislee

[Paisleegreen]

Ninja, I'm so sorry for the pain you have suffered and are suffering. Did you watch that special on Oprah about men being molested. I thought it was very informative.

As what you tell me, I'm going to tell you. You did not deserve to be treated that way. You are a child of God and you are of great worth! Your mother has her own weaknesses and demons she needs to overcome and either be reprimanded for it legally or just you living your life the best you can in spite of it and keep your distance.

I have learned a long time ago that life is not fair and we are here to learn and overcome. There are rescuers and people that need rescuing all at different times in their lives.

Please do not take your life, I hope and pray that you will feel better and have hope. You would be missed as far as I'm concerned and I have only known you for a week or so?

You have helped many others that are in pain that come here and you are thought of highly, I can tell. Please do not let a scum bag destroy your self esteem any further. You are a valued human being no matter what others may say or do. I care about what you are doing to help yourself and others. You have been so helpful to me and I appreciate it so much.

Thank you for being you! Hugs, Paislee

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen;

I have watched some of it and I'm glad you mentioned it. I found it online and downloaded it. I think it will help me out alot in my healing process.

I understand that it upsets you to hear all of what I said and I did not mean to worry you. I have no intention of taking my life and I'm sorry If I gave you that impression. This is how I was feeling back then and I was considering it back then but because of Xena Warrior Princess I just couldn't do it. I had to stand and fight for what I believed in and I had to stop it from happening again and I have to use this experience to help the world become a better place. This is what I have told myself in order to get through it. Even though it seemed like there was no hope, I still held on.

My mother is dead and it is actually related to this situation. The investigators were trying to set up an interview with her and her epilepsy got worse because of this stress. Nobody was around and she had a seizure and got caught under the computer table and between the wall, the floor and the computer table and she suffocated in the carpet. I do believe though that when you die you work through the issues you had when you were alive. I also got an after-death message too.

No life isn't fair well depending on what you define as fair. Life gives us lessons and sometimes it seems that very harsh and cruel things have to happen in order to learn those lessons. Sometimes negative things have to happen in order to reach our potential unfortunately and like the saying goes what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Some of the strongest people that walked the earth only became that way because of some really horrible stuff. Oprah for instance was molested as well and has no contact with her family just like me and look what she has done!

It still hurts though and I'd like to talk more about how I felt about it. Perhaps that is something more appropriate with the psychiatrist though. I think writing a book will help me out alot as well.

I greatly appreciate your kind words and again i'm sorry I worried you. I just saw these videos and this emotion just flooded out of me and it honestly did feel like a huge release! Someone in a PM had mentioned how it seemed like I was numb and yes I have felt numb for 15 years. When I say numb I mean that my emotions were very dulled and supressed. I had a hard time relating to people on an emotional level but as I was going through the program this time around, I was becoming less numb and allowing my emotions. I was noticing a big change in my positive emotions and then this video thing happened and well I noticed a big change in my negative ones as well. This is actually a good thing! It shows that I'm overcoming this condition and the "numbness"


Mike

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery. The will be obstacles which I will overcome and learn from. I can not go under, over, or around a lilitation. I must meet it head on. This may cause me some discomfort, but it will not hurt me.

Had a great day with the beautiful weather!! was able to spend most of the day outside...my grandson came over and we hung some of the Christmas lights outside....he just thaought it was beautiful lol.....he is just too awesome
did some driving this evening with minimal anxiety


Mike

thanks for sharing the video.....I have actually been watching alot of stuff, especially on Ellen, about the bullying that goes on.....so I have actually been learning alot....I really believe I am alot more open minded and accepting of my daughter now....I always had no problem with gay people until it was daughter....I guess I just didnt want her to be different.....but now, I just want her to be happy I do thank God that she is a female and not a male because I can not believe the way society treats gay males....it makes me sick...the females seem to have no where near as much hatred toward them..Im really sorry that you have to deal with a society like this...

[Karen L]

Mike

I just read your other post.....sometimes it is good to just let the emotions you are feeling out..Im sorry your life was so difficult and filled with so much pain....

you are right....mother's are suppose to protect their children...this is an issue I still have alot of quilt over.....my older kids who are 23 and 22 were molested by either their father or their aunt back when they were 3 and 4.....when I found out I did everything in my power to help my kids....they went to counseling, I tried to stop the visitation, we met with detectives.....but nothing was done because my kids would not talk to the detectives...even though they were both "torn" and "bruised", and had "abrasions"....even though they told the counselors everything (that could not be used in court)....even though the judge said he had a right to see his kids because nothing was proved...I did get lucky that their dad kinda just disappeared out of their lives and they didnt need to deal with him anymore...

at 16, my son got onto drugs really bad.....he tried suicide several times...I had him in inpatient rehab and I went there several times a week for therapy and to try to help him.....but nothing worked....he ended up in my ICU for 5 days from an overdose.....it was really messed up.....finally I had to have him arrested....he was stealing, high all the time, doing drugs in my house, and I had other children I needed to protect........it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.....and while he was being sentenced he told me he remembered the room, the ceiling, the abuse.....I guess I just had prayed he blocked those memories.....we tried to re-open a new case....and you know what?? there is a statute of limitation in Ohio for child molestation....so nothing was done....

my son spent a year in juvenile jail and he came home a changed, clean man......he is now the best person in the world and a great father....he is drug free and does not drink...
I dont know if this is affecting my daughter in any way (yes, she is the one who is gay)....when all this was going on with my son, she told me she doesnt remember anything and I have not pushed the issue since.....

I have realized through my counselor that this causes me a great deal of guilt and really adds to my anxiety and depression...I now know that I shouldnt have the guilt because I didnt know.....but what am I suppose to do?? I did not protect my innocent children from this hell.....

[Karen L]

I guess the statement about mother's protecting their children really hit me hard.....I guess that I still need to work on forgiving myself and letting go of the past.....part of me wants to apologize for airing my dirty laundry here...but part of me doesnt want to.......can anyone offer any suggestions to letting this go??
I have apologized to my kids for not protecting them.....I told them I didnt know...and they both have told me it was not my fault, that they know I did everything I could, and they both really do love me.......but this guilt just eats me up....

[NinjaFrodo]

Here is a video that just resonnates with me;

I'm awake, I'm alive

Karen L;
I understand you are feeling guilty because your children had went through the same thing as me and I appologize I did not mean to hurt you with that statement. I'm really sorry your children went through it and well you can tell I know how that feels.

The only person who isn't accepting your appology is yourself and to accept this appology you are going to have to face the situation and accept it. I'm not saying you have to do this but it is important if you want to let go of the guilt.

If I'm getting this right your older children were molested by either their father or their aunt when they were 3 or 4 and now are 23 or 22. Your son got into drugs as a way of coping and tried to commit suicide several times and you even had to go as far as having him arrested! I can't even imagine what it was like to have your own son arrested and to see him behave in such a destructive way. That must have hurt you so much! Although you didn't stop the situation before it happened you did try to do everything in your power by getting them to go to counselling, and stopping the visitations although it sounds like the system sucks and nothing could be done about it. If I was in that situation I would be furious! This system is suppose to protect people not alienate them and keep this crap going on! Its really too bad the kids didn't feel comfortable talking to the detectives but fortunate that the father just disappeared! And a statute of limitations for child molestation?!? REally? You must be just as mad about it as I am about it, right?

I do feel really sad that you feel guilty about this situation but I am glad that you did bring it up. I can give you what its like from the perspective of someone who has gone through it and hopefully help you out.

This situation is a very upsetting one as being molested can affect someone their entire lives! These were your babies the ones you loved the most and it must have broke your heart to find out of the pain they went through and then to see the suffering that resulted from it for years! That could not have been easy for you. You want to do whatever you can to save your children from the monsters of the world, I think most mothers could agree with that and its just really sad when this happens and then when you figure out about you keep thinking to yourself...If only I had known...If only I was more observant. Is this how you feel?

I want to better understand your viewpoint so Why do you feel that them going through this really is your fault?

I got a really good idea if you're up for it. How about we do some role playing using your negative thoughts. Lets assume there is some person out there that is attacking you and they are saying the same negative things you think about yourself in context to this situation and then I'll play you and I will use the communication techniques to disarm this person. I know this might be hard and it would take alot of courage to face these demons and you don't have to do this if you don't want to but this could be very freeing for you. This is basically what the feared fantasy thing is that i was talking about. I will post this feared fantasy thing within the next couple of days as soon as I figure how to condense the information down into a single post. Is this something you might be interested in?

Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

I am stronger!

Stronger...Glee version

Mike

[forever young 06]

Karen,
Do I ever know how it feels to feel guilty for things in your childrens life. I became so bad with panic and anxiety right after I had my daughter . At on time couldn't even take her to the Dr. when she had a fever. I had family that took her places and shopping when I couldn't take her.

Today she is 31 and at times I have told her I feel guilty she doesn't blame me and I know developing this was not my fault I didn't know what to do about it all I knew to do was run from it and of course it only gets worse. We can't go back but we can go forward. I am having a hard time facing my fears and they are going to different towns. I live in rurual area so I have to go pretty far to get out of my comfort zone. Then I can't get back very fast.I have enjoyed reading along with everyone on this website I am trying to redone the program but not doing it as much as I should.

Jaime sorry to hear you are not doing as well.Have so much enjoyed your in put and you telling how you faced your fears. I know from experience sometimes reading others fears made me worse. But reading their accomplishments made me feel better. This website is to help and encourage as well as meet others with the same disorder. Please let us know how you are doing and if you ever brake through to the other side we would love to hear . I have a ways to go and am a work in progress need to let go of the guilt and go forward.

[NinjaFrodo]

Karen L;

Paisleegreen suggested this for me and it has helped. Maybe it'll help you too.

200 Men who were Molested step forward part 1

200 Men who were Molested Come Forward part 2


Mike