How do I deal with anger when being provoked

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 8:34 am

Thanks everyone for responding and giving much needed support and advice. I truly appreciate being able to turn somewhere when I feel at my lowest.

It's been an emotional couple of days. I have decided to take a step back from our relationship, to give me time to think things out and get a better perspective on the situation and how to handle it.

Reading everyone's advice has helped me to better realize how to deal with this all. I do hope that one day she will agree to see a counselor with me, but I guess she is just not ready for that. I have finally come to understand that I am only 50% of this relationship, and if anything is going to change for the better, I cannot be the only one willing to fix this. I still have hope, that time and learning to control my own reaction to situations, will one day help to ease the tension and get us started on the road to a mended relationship.

Again, that's to everyone that responded. Its a comfort to know that I am not always alone in these situations, and can turn to others for advice and support.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Aug 05, 2008 6:48 pm

I just started session 6 yesterday, so I'm just reading in here for the first time today. I can definitely relate to this thread. My mom and I have communicated through argument for most of my life (I'm now 48, and she's 70).

Due to my health last year, I had to move back in with her - an extremely difficult situation for even the best of mother-daughter relationships. We picked up right where we had left things when I had moved out 25+ years before - arguing about everything.

While doing this program, I have given a lot of thought to why we interact this way, when she doesn't as much with my other siblings. I am the oldest child, and she has always been harder on me than the others (which is probably natural as you are learning how to be a parent with the first one). I know my mother loves me, but I haven't ever really felt that she likes me very much. I long for her to recognize me as a good person, and I think that is why I try to get her to see my point of view - not necessarily agree with it, but recognize it.

Okay, this is long enough - but here's the resolution for me. Session 4 was a revelation. For the first time, I realized that it doesn't really matter what she thinks of me. I don't have to please her, I have to please myself. If she doesn't like me or agree with me or understand me or whatever - it doesn't matter. Right now we are at a place where she doesn't talk to me much, because she doesn't get the reactions she has been used to getting. I'm sure we'll find another way - but it is up to me. She isn't going to change at this point. My reactions to her have made all the difference.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Aug 16, 2008 8:20 am

i am so happy you took the time to type that. i swear to you i was going to type the same thing. our situations are so close it almost makes me cry. i have been asking peoples' opinions on what i should do. i know my mother is detramental to me, as yours is for you. but for some reason i can't seem to let go of her. i think i love her more than she has ever loved me, and i just don't know what to do. i'm not going to tell you what to do because i know how hard it is, but i am deciding to cut myself loose. yes, she is my mother, but no one has the right to make me feel the way she does. as hard as it is, i have to tell myself, i have literally tried my hardest and she won't except it, and it is her loss, and hopefully one day she will realize it. you can't make someone change. be proud of YOU and what you are doing for yourself. i stopped fighting back with my mom, it killed me on the inside because she purposely says horrible things to enrage me, but i didn't explode. i said what i felt straight out, no cussing, i was actually saying it in a loving manner. i didn't demean her in any way or anything. she didn't know how to respond, so she paused, said some more ignorant things and i left. i cried when i was alone, but i didn't explode on her. she said horrible things, just like the things you described and i was on fire inside. it literally took every fiber of my being to not lash out and defend myself. not only was i proud of myself afterwards, but it was literally all i could do. it is her move, and if she doesn't make one in the right direction, like i said, it kills me, but it is her own loss. remember that. just because someone is related to you doesn't mean they are good for you. and just because you love someone doesn't mean the relationship is healthy. i am doing what is right for me, and i hope you do the same. YOU are more important than your mother's desire to tear you down. and one day she will see that, until then, take care of yourself.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Aug 18, 2008 2:30 pm

I think parent/child relationships are the hardest to change because parents always know how to push our buttons. It sounds to me like your mother is emotionally abusive.

I think what struck me the most about this session is that it takes maturity to not react or overreact to anger and to communicate clearly when angry.

It sounds to me like you are doing well with the program and if you continue the way you your mother will have to learn to treat you differently or you might have to make the choice to change the relationship with her by seeing her less or whatever you need to do for your own mental health.

I think its ok to want your mother in your life, but she may not like the changes in you. Focus on changing yourself and try to stay positive.