So i recently went back to the program one night, after going through a rough patch. I have suffered from IBS for 11 yrs and had been doing so great that my symptoms had all but vanished. Then suddenly, about a month ago, I started having horrible flare ups and new symptoms. I was terrified of something new being wrong with me or of my IBS getting bad or even worse then it used to be, since it is a chronic condition and not very much can be done.
After listening to my tapes again, I realized I was having a setback (or "growth spurt", as Lucinda calls it in the program), because I was realizing how well I was doing and all the progress I'd made. It scared me to not have anxiety and depression because it meant that I would have to start being responsible for myself, it justified, in my mind, not beating myself up when my family's expectations are too high for me. Getting better would mean I would have to start being the really,really social person I am at heart and facing my fears of feeling excluded, getting hurt, and getting treated badly by friends.
And most of all, giving up anxiety and depression would mean leaving my mother behind in her own depression and anxiety, For years now, having this condition in common was the main way we bonded and forged a relationship-before this we had a horrible, angry relationship. This condition made us closer. I fear that my mom won't know how to love me the same when I become so different from her. I fear that I won't have support to be the new person I want to be because I don't know anyone right now that thinks that way.
Realizing that this was my main issue that was holding me back happened just this week when I was forced to stick up for myself against a "frenemy". It was the first time in nearly forever I chose to stick up for myself instead of going with what the person wanted, but this time it felt right to stand my ground. While going thru this I foolishly talked to my mom for support, somehow expecting her to not tell me my old way of thinking was right. So of course, I got off the phone realizing just how different me and my mom were becoming-and it scared the crap out of me. Here I was, a 20 yr. old girl who had always felt like I was on the verge of having all the girls hating me and doing anything I could to stop that-completely sticking up for myself and not caring what people thought. At the same time, my mother was in shock at what I had done, and reminded me where I had gotten all those rotten ideas in the first place. "This girl's in your sorority, is this going to be a problem now? What if she starts a war over this, its not worth it. blahblahblah."
and so here I am, it's almost 4in the morning and I can't sleep because it's taken me all day of feeling depressed and anxious to figure out that I am scared to be different from my family. Of course, I started getting the usual stomach pains and feeling nauseous/cramps, and after finally crying and releasing some of that negative energy, my brain starting working right and I could finally figure this stuff out.
I'm not sure if this can help any of you but I hope, (well i know) that I'm not the only person who feels this way. I know I will find people who are stronger who can support me while still being super close to my mom. Was this anyone else's positive gain from anxiety/depression: risking having your family/friends not like you?
What if you got better and had to face other parts of your life???
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I know this is an older post...but this phrase hit me like a mack truck. Most of my closest girl friends in addition to my oldest sister and to some extent my mother all suffer with anxiety and/or depression. I've always thought of myself as a very sympathetic and empathetic person. My ability to relate as been a huge assest in letting those around me not feel so alone. At least we were all in it together.And most of all, giving up anxiety and depression would mean leaving my mother behind in her own depression and anxiety
It is definitely just as scary as it is exciting to recover. While I am excited to not be so anxious and depressed, I can honestly say I'm a little worried about becoming one of those terminally happy/positive people. Basically I'm scared of going from one extreme to the other. I do NOT want to be that annoying 'cheerleader' types who refuses to acknowledge the negative in life. I don't want my dear friends and family to reject me for my new positive attitude. As the Doc says, you wouldn't continue a bad habit/behavior if you weren't getting something out of it.
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lightbrites44,Originally posted by lightbrites44:
And most of all, giving up anxiety and depression would mean leaving my mother behind in her own depression and anxiety,. . .
I'm not sure if this can help any of you but I hope, (well i know) that I'm not the only person who feels this way. I know I will find people who are stronger who can support me while still being super close to my mom. Was this anyone else's positive gain from anxiety/depression: risking having your family/friends not like you?
You are right, and thanks to you being right, I now know I am not the only one with the same fears as you. my Mother has Alzheimer's, but before she got sick, she was a negative thinker who passed that on to those of us around her. Not only she thought I was crazy because of my obssessions and fears, but so has my whole family. my Brother, who is 12 years older, thinks I am an ultimate nut, and my sister takes advantage of me because she knows that I can not bear loosing her friendship. My mother of course hates me in her own way because of her alzheimer's. My spouse if very helpful mostly.
I do want to tell you that having them feel differently about me is not what I really wanted now that it is starting to happen. I think I really just wanted approval. I am realizing that I will never get approval from my immediate family, (except for my daughter and my fiance`). I am constantly told how I think I am better than them because I raised my kids differently than my family has raised thiers. I have kids who although are not perfect, I am not always bailing them out of jail and such. I have parent problems, but they basically just started about 3 years ago. Want to know what I did so differently than all them? no negativity. They are smart, the might do bad things, but if they learn from the mistake and don't repeat it, they will be ok. I never called them stupid. i made sure they realize that thier own destiny is in thier hands from kindergarten on. If they study, I will make sure they get into whatever career they want. One mistake I always made was by belittling myself telling them that I was put here by God to make sure they turned out better than me. i have now changed that. I tell them that God put me here to pass the wisdom to them that I have learned in order that they won't have to suffer the trials that I have. That makes me feel better about myself.
Don't worry about what they think right now. Later on, you might be the one that everybody looks at and says, 'hey, she did it, and look how happy she is. Boy, I want to be like her!' Keep on going. Your post, as well as the others here, encouraged me today when I felt like I did not have an ounce of courage left. Thank you sincerely. It does help to know there are others going through the very same feelings. I want my family to accept me as I am going to be, not depend on me, then call me selfish the way they currently do.
Keep on going, and i will too. be strong, and we'll both know we have each other in getting through this. I'll keep reading your encouraging posts, and hope I have some encouragement to give you one day. Thanks again.
Tina