isolation

[Malikye]

Hi there Shelby, my name is Ancilee and your post sounded as if I wrote it myself. Just so you know, you are definately not alone on this planet.
I have lived in Nebraska (from Northern California originally,then Washington and Montana)and I have been here for 11 years w/ no real friends to speak of. I am very outgoing once I meet people that are fair, honest and nice (trust is a huge issue w/ me), but I am having a very hard time here in a tiny town w/ lots of people that have children(I couldn't), retired older folks and/or just way younger than I am(43, but look much younger which is a problem as well).It's as if I'm an "oddball out" anymore. I have always had some great friends in other places I lived, but the Stress is so weird to me. People stay to themselves and are so judgmental!
Anyhow, I am married, but he works so much and has to do so to pay the bills, hence he is gone overnights working on the railroad which in itself is hard on relationships and MANY marriages suffer.
I spend many a holidays alone, no family here and no family in general anyway ( they are just too toxic for me), except my husbands but sometimes I feel weird just being around them.

They are always expecting me to be normal(not in pain, why do I have these illness', on and on) but I am not "normal"..lol.
I have a weird, insideous kidney stone disease that is incureable and fibromyalgia=pain, pain, pain that racks my lil body so often that I'm disabled from it all. Needless to say, I had to quit working in 2000.
Anyhoo, your a brave woman for telling us how you feel and i give you many high fives and kudos for being so honest and sending that message!!
Are you in the program? I am on week 1, should be week 2 but I am just barely getting by w/ 3-4 hrs of sleep a night due to insommnia..UGH!
Anyhow, this is long so I will end it here.
I just want to say that I know how you feel. I want to be in a band or act on a stage locally or sing or something, but I am stuck in this awful body w/ no end in sight.
I say, go for it and commute or just go somewhere to meet women in general..maybe church? I don't know, but you need to make a change it sounds like, just as most of us do here...
So, I am here as well if you ever want to bounce anything off of someone that can relate. Lonely in boring Nebraskaland,
Ancilee

[Guest]

Originally posted by cuttingirl:
Hi - I could have written your post word for word. Try some different classes. I also practice yoga 2-3x per week but in a more light-hearted studio with some laughing and conversation during the class. Having lived in this town almost 2 years, making friends has been difficult. I have almost none and no family here either. It takes time. You may find some relief by just getting out of the house for a while and spending time in public places. I personally like book stores such as Barnes and Noble where many people are looking at magazines, studying, etc. It maks me feel more connected. Friends will come with time. Look in your local paper and see what events are going on and take yourself to them. For example, recently I attended an art gallery opening. Get out there and do some things! PM me anytime also. All of us here are your friends. I've spent a good bit of time in California, southern Cali, and it can be a sort of plastic place. Hang in there and remember it takes time to find people when you're not attending school where there are ready-made friends. Come to think of it, why not take an evening class that interests you. Accept the commute; it is a part of living in Cali; I remember it well. Update us soon.

Cuttingirl~

Hi and thanks so much for replying. It's Sunday and my depression is at an all time high. I'm frightened as I see no end to this and am doing my damndest to distract and to find comfort after almost 24 hours of trying to just BE with it and listen to it, I'm done...I want to feel something other than this blackness.

I wanted to address some of the things you wrote in your post, tho', just to make things a bit more clear, so here goes:
Re: commuting: Firstly, commuting/DRIVING is an issue for me. I almost always have my bf go with me (and he has coffee and waits for me) to my yoga class, etc. Once in a great while, I get behind the wheel while he is at work, for example, and have driven myself to the store. Once recently, I drove myself to a get together at the library where a local author was holding a lecture about her book. I rewarded myself bigtime for that bravery..for being able to do that as I really had to push myself through some serious choking and vertigo..but I STAYED.

I live on the Central Coast - right smack dab in the middle of L.A. and S.F. - so I'm not in the city at ALL. =) For that I am thankful, as I have a resentment of concrete, so to speak. =)

You say "friends will come with time". I hope that is true. Before anything, tho', I need to get through this despair. I have gone downhill quite quickly (depression) since I posted this original topic re: isolation.

I began crying yesterday and couldn't stop. I was missing my sons. My bf was in the living room with me in the bedroom and he walked back to the bedroom door, yanked it open and said, "What NOW?" The tone, the look on his face...was more than I could bear and I admit to carrying it with me today even though I've done visualization and visualization to let it go...

Be Well~

Shelby

[Guest]

Originally posted by AnnieFannie43:
Hi there Shelby, my name is Ancilee and your post sounded as if I wrote it myself. Just so you know, you are definately not alone on this planet.
I have lived in Nebraska (from Northern California originally,then Washington and Montana)and I have been here for 11 years w/ no real friends to speak of. I am very outgoing once I meet people that are fair, honest and nice (trust is a huge issue w/ me), but I am having a very hard time here in a tiny town w/ lots of people that have children(I couldn't), retired older folks and/or just way younger than I am(43, but look much younger which is a problem as well).It's as if I'm an "oddball out" anymore. I have always had some great friends in other places I lived, but the Stress is so weird to me. People stay to themselves and are so judgmental!
Anyhow, I am married, but he works so much and has to do so to pay the bills, hence he is gone overnights working on the railroad which in itself is hard on relationships and MANY marriages suffer.
I spend many a holidays alone, no family here and no family in general anyway ( they are just too toxic for me), except my husbands but sometimes I feel weird just being around them.

They are always expecting me to be normal(not in pain, why do I have these illness', on and on) but I am not "normal"..lol.
I have a weird, insideous kidney stone disease that is incureable and fibromyalgia=pain, pain, pain that racks my lil body so often that I'm disabled from it all. Needless to say, I had to quit working in 2000.
Anyhoo, your a brave woman for telling us how you feel and i give you many high fives and kudos for being so honest and sending that message!!
Are you in the program? I am on week 1, should be week 2 but I am just barely getting by w/ 3-4 hrs of sleep a night due to insommnia..UGH!
Anyhow, this is long so I will end it here.
I just want to say that I know how you feel. I want to be in a band or act on a stage locally or sing or something, but I am stuck in this awful body w/ no end in sight.
I say, go for it and commute or just go somewhere to meet women in general..maybe church? I don't know, but you need to make a change it sounds like, just as most of us do here...
So, I am here as well if you ever want to bounce anything off of someone that can relate. Lonely in boring Nebraskaland,
Ancilee

Anceliee~

Wow. Thank you for replying to my post. I, too, have Fibromyalgia (with the accompanying Chronic Fatigue), so that is another issue I deal with..and where this new bout of depression began with me - the limitations is originally forced me to deal with were and still are, at times, unbearable...still learning (or avoiding, depending upon where my hormones are!) how to adapt.

I do not work, as I was yanked out of the workforce about 5 years ago...so being sociable at a place of employment isn't a part of my reality.

I don't belong to any organized religion either, tho' I am a very spiritual woman and miss conversing and being with people of like mind, that celebrate the earths seasons, the waxing and waning of the moon and honor the matriarchal symbols just as equally as the patriarchal. =) I hope that made sense to you.

I, too, can be quite outgoing once I am in any degree of comfort with those around me and yes, I have trust issues as well...as one poster put it, California can be a very plastic place. Actually, I know it's not just limited to this state, it's worldwide...and I'm not into investing in anything surface, for appearances sake, or "plastic" just to call someone my friend. I'm sure you know what I'm driving at. =)

I feel for you and your isolation as well. I just wanted you to know that. I am going to reread your post at a later time (I am on my bf's daughters computer right now) when I can be more relaxed and, hopefully, with a sunnier disposition.

Please feel free to private message me here if you'd like and again, thanks so much for replying. Hugs to you..from my shores to yours.

Gentleness~

Shelby