Why is it so hard to talk to people?

Shifrah · Post by **Shifrah** » Tue Jan 13, 2009 4:22 pm

Sometimes I find it easier to listen when I'm not looking at the person in the eye. It distracts me and makes me feel more uncomfortable. So, often I will tilt my head so that my ear is facing them and nodding so they realize that I'm really trying to listen to them. I really try to focus on what they are saying too. I agree with Pecos that it's hard to get a good listener, but it's also heard to *be* a good listener.

I think the easiest way to strike up a conversation is to make a comment to them, either about your surroundings or maybe something they are wearing, e.g. "wow, I really like the new addition to this building"..."I love the color of your purse" etc.

Traverse · Post by **Traverse** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:37 am

Yes, I am a man but feel like a boy among men, defer to stranger's topics in conversation, and lack the sports gene. These macho guys instantly sense that I'm not one of them. Don't get me wrong, I'm married, two grown daughters. Am a professor, and love talking about history, math, politics, the universe and have a wild streak for outdoor adventure like sea kayaking in rough weather. So if I do talk I end up bragging like this, and don't make the personal contact. A few days ago I started talking about my depression shame to the male half of a couple we barely know, over to dinner, and was amazed but also scared at how sympathetic and understanding and had a touch of this himself. A bit scary, so I've pulled back. But then I saw Lucinda's tape of session one and realize that I am the source of this feeling, but that still doesn't get rid of it. So I rationalize and perversely protect my painful cycle. Realizing that is the essence of the ill-logic gives me a deep down laugh, and perhaps the spark for lighting the fire of reawakening.

2ndof6 · Post by **2ndof6** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:37 am

One way to engage with people is to adopt an attitude of curiosity. Even saying, "I'm curious," invites people to take an interest in what you're thinking about. It also gives them a chance to be curious with you--no pressure, no judgment. When you're curious, you're open to whatever presents itself. "Huh, how 'bout that?" is an attitude most people can relate to. It's worth a try!

Dave43 · Post by **Dave43** » Mon Jan 19, 2009 1:02 pm

This is my first time responding to other people's comments. I too find it difficult to engage other people in conversation, always trying to figure out what I can say while the other is talking, and thus not really listening. I identify with you, Traverse, in that I also do not have the sports gene, which frequently makes me feel like an outsider.

I think my issue is low self-esteem, and never quite having figured out what I really care about. I also inherited a high level of anxiety from two very anxious parents. I've just retired, and my life long low-grade depression is now growing into a more pervasive condition that I am constantly fighting. I hope this program will give me some new tools--I'm on session 3.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Mon Jan 19, 2009 1:13 pm

Well why do you want to connect with people? Is it really that important?

Mike

jbasch · Post by **jbasch** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 2:03 am

Not being comfortable with people, easy conversation, friends is my biggest upset with myself. This lack makes me feel inadequate, stupid and very lonely.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 10:14 am

ok so what would happen if you were without anxiety and someone that had a difficult time with it approached you socially. How would you see this person? What would they look like? How would they respond to you? How would you respond with them?

Mike

Traverse · Post by **Traverse** » Sun Jan 25, 2009 8:39 am

Hey Mike, Ninja-Frodo (great nom de plume!) Two reasons to want to talk to people, 1) The bad one, to lose myself in someone else's life so I won't get into the ill-logic spiral of self deprecation and feeling wounded in life. 2) The good reason: There are some really interesting people out there, and the mix of being alike and totally different at the same time is a rush. I have some ski and guitar buddies that combine both characteristics. I need my free thoughts, but can't distinguish which of these thoughts are self destructive and which are adventurous. Outside contact is a kind of reality check and open door into the real world out there that dwarfs my petty ingrown tow-nail of self-consciousness.

Traverse · Post by **Traverse** » Sun Jan 25, 2009 8:45 am

One more hint that may help you. I envy people that have self-confidence, but now in admiration not resentment(finally!). I watch them operate in groups of strangers, and then in a bus or elevator, imitate their style of conversation with strangers. If the result is a cold stare (northeast US mostly), I've lost nothing cause I'll never see them again. If they smile and respond, I feel good all day. And sometimes your hear some amazing day-stories or useful information in a new city. It expands the capsule of life in which one might feel trapped.

designkid · Post by **designkid** » Mon Mar 30, 2009 11:44 am

Talking with others and "connecting" with others are two very different things. I find I can talk to others and small talk fine but it is taking an initial meeting to a friendship that is the hard part.

Sometimes other people won't respond for their own reasons, but I try to focus on what I can do since that is all we really are in control of after all.

So I try to involve myself in things I find interesting so I feel I have something to talk about. When I talk to others I try not to think so much about myself (it's hard cause I can be very introspective) and think how I might be able to brighten their day or show interest in them.

Sometimes no matter what you do though, some people won't respond and they may have plenty of things going on in their own head to lead to that.

Sometimes you may live in a place where you just aren't on the same wavelength as others. I just recently moved (1.5 years ago) and I'm having a horrid time making friends here, but back where I used to live it wasn't so bad. So I'm slowly working on my plan to move back!

In the meantime since I have no friend network here I keep in touch with people through email or phone and bombard myself with positive self talk. It helps keep the lonely thoughts at bay.

I hope this helps!