Hi there everybody,
I have been a member since Feb. but this is my first post. Anyway, this post is not about my personal issues with anxiety, but my parents' issues and I was hoping for some advice.
Here is the situation: my Dad was diagnosed with cancer about 8 years ago and is battling it well and also retired. The problem is I can tell he is suffering from depression. His 3 main daily activies are sleeping, drinking and smoking. He doesn't do anything else - at all. He is always alone because my Mom works all day. She will complain to me about my Dad's drinking and lack of energy/desire to do anything and I can't seem to get her to understand that he is probably suffering from depression and needs help. I have told her many times to get him help, but her main focus above anything else is her job and herself. She will complain (mostly about her job and herself to anyone who will listen), but won't take action. I think she is either in denial or doesn't want to do anything about it. I think there is an attitude with them encompassing everything else that because my Dad has cancer he shouldn't be stopped from doing whatever he wants. That has never been talked about, but I have been around my Dad's cancer long enough that I am just able to tell that attitude is just there.
My question is: is there anything I can do (I'm 31) as their daughter to help them? I really don't think talking to them will do anything, as they will just not listen. I really feel they just don't seem to care enough to do something to really change. I have thought about suggesting this program to them, but believe me they would never do it.
Has anyone been through something like this with their parents or with other loved ones? Does anyone have any advice? I appreciate any help anyone can give.
Thanks,
Steph
Help with parents
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FreeToBeGG
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Mon Jun 16, 2008 8:01 pm
Hi, Steph!
I can relate to your story about your parents. I turn 32 in November, so it sounds like we are going through somewhat of a parallel experience.
My dad is 62 years old and was kind of forced to retire several months ago because he did not have the money to get a stress test. He needs the special one, not the treadmill one, and that sucker is expensive, especially when you don't have health insurance. My dad was a truck driver for forever, and now, he's at home. The trailer we own next door on our property burned down earlier this year, and they got some insurance money from that. They thought the money would last at least a year, until my mom graduated from nursing school, but it ran out a lot earlier than expected, most likely due to their inability to budget it. Anyway, he is suffering from major depression right now. He has said on three different occasions that he would be better off dead, and he spends most of his days sleeping and drinking (he's an alcoholic). These are miserable days for all of us. He's on social security, but he only gets $1100 a month, which barely covers the house payment and the truck payment. Everything else is covered by me along with my own bills. I have asked him on more than one occasion to call the local mental health center to set up an appointment because they could help him with meds and counseling. I have offered to go with him and to pay for it (it operates on a sliding fee scale so the expense would be minimal), but he won't do it even though he knows he his very, very depressed.
My mom, who was in nursing school, recently quit because she failed a class. She wasn't working when she was in school, but now she has gotten a job, albeit a minimum wage one. So I will still have to help out significantly. She's had her own problems with anxiety and depression, and one night, I spent several hours in the early a.m. helping her through a panic attack. She has very low self-esteem, and I find that I am always trying to build her up, but I know that she has to believe it within herself. I have encouraged her to go to the mental health center as well, but again, she won't go either.
They are both on meds. My mom takes 40 mgs of Paxil; my dad takes Paxil and Wellbutrin. Obviously, the medicine isn't helping. My dad takes his intermittently and drinks with it, so of course it doesn't work. My mom's works half the time.
Meanwhile, I have drained my savings account paying their bills and mine (I only make $26,000 a year working in a non-profit). Their issues have increased my stress, anxiety, and depression ten-fold. I am looking for a part time job that I can work in the evenings and on the weekends so that I can rebuild my savings and have a little extra money each month to pay more bills. However, I have worked with my pdoc to come up with an effective ****tail of meds that are helping beautifully right now (120 mg Cymbalta, 1 mg Klonopin 2x day, and 5 mg of Abilify at night).
Hopefully, things will turn around a little now that my mom has a job, for her at least. My dad...well???
I know that our stories aren't identical, but my point in telling you this long story is to let you know that you're not alone in dealing with your parents A & D issues.
I wish you a lot of luck, and hope that things will turn around soon!
Genie
I can relate to your story about your parents. I turn 32 in November, so it sounds like we are going through somewhat of a parallel experience.
My dad is 62 years old and was kind of forced to retire several months ago because he did not have the money to get a stress test. He needs the special one, not the treadmill one, and that sucker is expensive, especially when you don't have health insurance. My dad was a truck driver for forever, and now, he's at home. The trailer we own next door on our property burned down earlier this year, and they got some insurance money from that. They thought the money would last at least a year, until my mom graduated from nursing school, but it ran out a lot earlier than expected, most likely due to their inability to budget it. Anyway, he is suffering from major depression right now. He has said on three different occasions that he would be better off dead, and he spends most of his days sleeping and drinking (he's an alcoholic). These are miserable days for all of us. He's on social security, but he only gets $1100 a month, which barely covers the house payment and the truck payment. Everything else is covered by me along with my own bills. I have asked him on more than one occasion to call the local mental health center to set up an appointment because they could help him with meds and counseling. I have offered to go with him and to pay for it (it operates on a sliding fee scale so the expense would be minimal), but he won't do it even though he knows he his very, very depressed.
My mom, who was in nursing school, recently quit because she failed a class. She wasn't working when she was in school, but now she has gotten a job, albeit a minimum wage one. So I will still have to help out significantly. She's had her own problems with anxiety and depression, and one night, I spent several hours in the early a.m. helping her through a panic attack. She has very low self-esteem, and I find that I am always trying to build her up, but I know that she has to believe it within herself. I have encouraged her to go to the mental health center as well, but again, she won't go either.
They are both on meds. My mom takes 40 mgs of Paxil; my dad takes Paxil and Wellbutrin. Obviously, the medicine isn't helping. My dad takes his intermittently and drinks with it, so of course it doesn't work. My mom's works half the time.
Meanwhile, I have drained my savings account paying their bills and mine (I only make $26,000 a year working in a non-profit). Their issues have increased my stress, anxiety, and depression ten-fold. I am looking for a part time job that I can work in the evenings and on the weekends so that I can rebuild my savings and have a little extra money each month to pay more bills. However, I have worked with my pdoc to come up with an effective ****tail of meds that are helping beautifully right now (120 mg Cymbalta, 1 mg Klonopin 2x day, and 5 mg of Abilify at night).
Hopefully, things will turn around a little now that my mom has a job, for her at least. My dad...well???
I know that our stories aren't identical, but my point in telling you this long story is to let you know that you're not alone in dealing with your parents A & D issues.
I wish you a lot of luck, and hope that things will turn around soon!
Genie
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monty'smom
- Posts: 151
- Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2008 3:14 pm
Hello Ladies,
You are both amazing young women for doing so much to try and help your parents..most people get as far away as they can from family members suffering the way yours are. You hopefully feel proud of yourselves for trying so hard to help. I feel the frustration you have and it's understanable when nothing you say or suggest seems to register with your parents.
This is a common scenerio and you feel as though you are beating your head against a brick wall.
I know because although slightly different from your posts I have similar problems going on with 2 family members. I have tried talking, I have told them how much better I feel now, I have told them that their habits are going to kill them, I also tried to get them to do this program. Nothing but attitude All NEGATIVE, don't want to talk about it, don't have a problem, don't preach to me, and on and on it goes.
You really can seldom make someone see there is hope and light if they don't want to see it. It's so sad but it's so true. I just can't imagine that I let alcohol or any other harmfull substance come before my health and family. When you have just yourself to worry about and want to abuse your body and mind and not want to change for the better ..that's bad enough but when others love and want you to be around because thry LOVE YOU then it's so selfish to just say I don't care or I don't want to talk about it, or just deny there is a problem and keep doing harmfull things daily.
You would be amazed at how many people go through this every single day. That is why so many people end up alone as elderly people if they live that long. Family just gets tired out and walks away. I saw so much of this in my work.
Well I wrote a novel again, really didn't give any answers but if I find an answer I will post it.
God Bless You Both,
Good Luck, You can lead a horse to water..but you can't make it drink!
Take care of you.
You are both amazing young women for doing so much to try and help your parents..most people get as far away as they can from family members suffering the way yours are. You hopefully feel proud of yourselves for trying so hard to help. I feel the frustration you have and it's understanable when nothing you say or suggest seems to register with your parents.
This is a common scenerio and you feel as though you are beating your head against a brick wall.
I know because although slightly different from your posts I have similar problems going on with 2 family members. I have tried talking, I have told them how much better I feel now, I have told them that their habits are going to kill them, I also tried to get them to do this program. Nothing but attitude All NEGATIVE, don't want to talk about it, don't have a problem, don't preach to me, and on and on it goes.
You really can seldom make someone see there is hope and light if they don't want to see it. It's so sad but it's so true. I just can't imagine that I let alcohol or any other harmfull substance come before my health and family. When you have just yourself to worry about and want to abuse your body and mind and not want to change for the better ..that's bad enough but when others love and want you to be around because thry LOVE YOU then it's so selfish to just say I don't care or I don't want to talk about it, or just deny there is a problem and keep doing harmfull things daily.
You would be amazed at how many people go through this every single day. That is why so many people end up alone as elderly people if they live that long. Family just gets tired out and walks away. I saw so much of this in my work.
Well I wrote a novel again, really didn't give any answers but if I find an answer I will post it.
God Bless You Both,
Good Luck, You can lead a horse to water..but you can't make it drink!
Take care of you.
Last edited by monty'smom on Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
BELIEVE YOU CAN CONQUER ANYTHING~ AND YOU WILL !! I DID IT, YES !!!!!