Is this the proper forum to have a serious discussion about sex?
It has been an anxiety issue for me for years. It is even more so now that I have been married 17 years.
Peace.
Sex
joe.
Yes its something that I would imagine is a really hard thing to be open about but I assume many have issues here.
I know that I can get to the point where I say come on...I can barely make it through a day here and sex?!
Its hard to be romatic, sexy, loving, when inside your fighting the whole time.
Of course sex does happen but then the aftershocks of that could have been better.
I think its a huge issue.
Snaps to you Joe for having the guts to bring it to the front.
As we become calm and in control of our minds our bodies will respond. Our desires will come back and our genuineness will come through.
Dodger
Yes its something that I would imagine is a really hard thing to be open about but I assume many have issues here.
I know that I can get to the point where I say come on...I can barely make it through a day here and sex?!
Its hard to be romatic, sexy, loving, when inside your fighting the whole time.
Of course sex does happen but then the aftershocks of that could have been better.
I think its a huge issue.
Snaps to you Joe for having the guts to bring it to the front.
As we become calm and in control of our minds our bodies will respond. Our desires will come back and our genuineness will come through.
Dodger
Yes Joe, it's the general forum. We are here to listen and help anyway we can. You may want to check into the guidelines listed on policies and practices if you haven't already done so.
Have you gotten the program and started it yet? That will help with your anxiety in all areas. Ok so we wait to hear back. Come into chat sometime as well.
Have you gotten the program and started it yet? That will help with your anxiety in all areas. Ok so we wait to hear back. Come into chat sometime as well.
Thank you for your response. O.K., here it goes.
I have been married 17 years with 3 kids. My wife has never been very warm towards me and our sex life is a 3 on a 10 scale. We are lucky to have some contact once or twice a month. Intercourse is usually "let's get it over with."
I am a very sexual person and I HAVE NEEDS. I have brought the topic up ad nausea. Counseling is out of the question.
Here lies the problem. She is the BEST mother to my kids and I love her. The love is almost sister/mother like though. Outside of the sex life, everything is good.
The problem is, I want to date, have sex etc. Preferably with her but it is not going to happen. I think of cheating but never do because the trade off is not good. I visit massage parlours once in a while and look at nude pictures of women often to cope. I work out daily as well.
To sum things up, this makes me angry and thus is one of my anxiety triggers.
Any suggestions are appreciated.
Peace.
I have been married 17 years with 3 kids. My wife has never been very warm towards me and our sex life is a 3 on a 10 scale. We are lucky to have some contact once or twice a month. Intercourse is usually "let's get it over with."
I am a very sexual person and I HAVE NEEDS. I have brought the topic up ad nausea. Counseling is out of the question.
Here lies the problem. She is the BEST mother to my kids and I love her. The love is almost sister/mother like though. Outside of the sex life, everything is good.
The problem is, I want to date, have sex etc. Preferably with her but it is not going to happen. I think of cheating but never do because the trade off is not good. I visit massage parlours once in a while and look at nude pictures of women often to cope. I work out daily as well.
To sum things up, this makes me angry and thus is one of my anxiety triggers.
Any suggestions are appreciated.
Peace.
O Boy - I cheated on my husband by having "online affairs" and 1 outside my marriage - and yes I felt on top of the world with all the attention - BUT he found out _ and yes SHE will too and you wanna talk about ANXIETY!!! Dont do it - tell her your needs, find out why she doesnn't want to have sex with you - maybe because the kids are little and she is very "mommy" focused? Maybe she doesn't have time to make herself feel good by dressing nice, putting her makeup on, getting hair done etc? She could also be depressed. My husband and I worked things out and I have gone through counceling. My husband and I flirt thru out the day, send dirty text messages and go to bed BEFORE we are tired. My kids are 9 12 17 - so the responsibility has lifted a bit so we can be more independant. We love to go out for happy hour or dinner without the kids. We recently got a hottub which is fun too. I'd love to help more.
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bevhembree
- Posts: 275
- Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 10:44 am
Joe, I can totally relate to you and so can my husband. We had the same issues with our first spouses. My hubby stayed married 11 months and couldn't take anymore. I stayed married 11 years and let depression and anxiety take over.
We both felt angry, but most of all rejected by our spouses. We all have the need to be touched and intimate. It's part of our nature. Not sure of your situation, but both of our spouses actually denied us intimate relations. There wasn't even any "rendering" as the Bible commands a spouse to do.
Counseling didn't help either one of us- as a couple anyway. Yelling, begging, demanding, and pleading was degrading and useless. I personally wanted to cheat but couldn't live with the idea of it. I left before I entered another relationship.
We both now know that something was wrong with THEM. My fault in it was probably equating sex and love. I just felt the two went hand in hand in a marriage. That's something only the two of you are meant to share.
I wish I could offer something other than understanding. Know that sex is vital in a marriage as is two spent together with just the two of you, like dating. The only thing I know to tell you is to help around the house sometimes to make sure there is time for the two of you. Let her know in a heart to heart that you feel the marriage is in trouble and be honest about why. Know you are not alone. Lots of couples have these problems and make it through. It natural to have different levels of sex drives. I'll be praying for you. Beverly
We both felt angry, but most of all rejected by our spouses. We all have the need to be touched and intimate. It's part of our nature. Not sure of your situation, but both of our spouses actually denied us intimate relations. There wasn't even any "rendering" as the Bible commands a spouse to do.
Counseling didn't help either one of us- as a couple anyway. Yelling, begging, demanding, and pleading was degrading and useless. I personally wanted to cheat but couldn't live with the idea of it. I left before I entered another relationship.
We both now know that something was wrong with THEM. My fault in it was probably equating sex and love. I just felt the two went hand in hand in a marriage. That's something only the two of you are meant to share.
I wish I could offer something other than understanding. Know that sex is vital in a marriage as is two spent together with just the two of you, like dating. The only thing I know to tell you is to help around the house sometimes to make sure there is time for the two of you. Let her know in a heart to heart that you feel the marriage is in trouble and be honest about why. Know you are not alone. Lots of couples have these problems and make it through. It natural to have different levels of sex drives. I'll be praying for you. Beverly
"Here and happy because of my three little angels- Marie, Chad and Cady."
Well I can relate on the opposite end. My anxiety/depression has done terrible things to my drive, and my husband was left feeling like you do for several years. I have 2 small children and am expecting my third in 2 months, so currently things are not as exciting as they could be due to me being very pregnant and uncomfortable.
However, I completely agree with CT Mom's advice--be honest and talk about it with your wife. Let her know what you need from your relationship. While anxiety may not be her issue, it may be the "Mommy factor", or even complete ignorance. Women and men have really different needs at different times. For me not only did my anxiety undermine us, but I was always in Mommy mode, and it just did not really dawn on me as an issue until my husband finally spoke up and told me how unhappy he was feeling.
It took a lot of time, talking, reconnecting, but we did it. I agree with the little things--texting, phone pics, cards for no reason, quick calls to say I love you---all of that made a huge difference mostly to me, making me feel more like a wife again. It is a tough issue to discuss and deal with, but 17 years and three great kids is a good reason to put in the effort!!!
Tara
However, I completely agree with CT Mom's advice--be honest and talk about it with your wife. Let her know what you need from your relationship. While anxiety may not be her issue, it may be the "Mommy factor", or even complete ignorance. Women and men have really different needs at different times. For me not only did my anxiety undermine us, but I was always in Mommy mode, and it just did not really dawn on me as an issue until my husband finally spoke up and told me how unhappy he was feeling.
It took a lot of time, talking, reconnecting, but we did it. I agree with the little things--texting, phone pics, cards for no reason, quick calls to say I love you---all of that made a huge difference mostly to me, making me feel more like a wife again. It is a tough issue to discuss and deal with, but 17 years and three great kids is a good reason to put in the effort!!!
Tara
"If nothing ever changed...there would be no Butterflies." Author unknown
joe.
I think you need to take a serious look at yourself and the character of who you are. Life and love are so important but sex....its a want a desire....we dont NEED sex....
You need to focus on the good things your wife is a great wife a caring mother....I think you expecting her to be to super human and do it all. What about her needs? Why doesnt she want to engage in sex? Does she feel the connection to you? Does she feel the distance between you? Does she feel pretty after caring for two small children? What do you do to be romantic to show her connection?
Women dont necessarily need foreplay in the sense that a man thinks we need to feel the connection the little sparks that make us feel pretty. Do you join the family for dinner? Do you comment on how lovely the house or the gardens or whatever she might have worked are? Do you tell her what a great mother you think she is.....how happy her children are? Do you tell her YOU LOVE HER!
Beleive me women melt for this stuff if its sincere! I know cuz I am one. Appreciation, respect, love, admiration, commitment, connection, attention these will get you your end result a woman so blissfully happy in her relationship that she cant get enough of you.
Try it. Stop focusing on your needs. Its not all about you there are two people here.
Dodger
I think you need to take a serious look at yourself and the character of who you are. Life and love are so important but sex....its a want a desire....we dont NEED sex....
You need to focus on the good things your wife is a great wife a caring mother....I think you expecting her to be to super human and do it all. What about her needs? Why doesnt she want to engage in sex? Does she feel the connection to you? Does she feel the distance between you? Does she feel pretty after caring for two small children? What do you do to be romantic to show her connection?
Women dont necessarily need foreplay in the sense that a man thinks we need to feel the connection the little sparks that make us feel pretty. Do you join the family for dinner? Do you comment on how lovely the house or the gardens or whatever she might have worked are? Do you tell her what a great mother you think she is.....how happy her children are? Do you tell her YOU LOVE HER!
Beleive me women melt for this stuff if its sincere! I know cuz I am one. Appreciation, respect, love, admiration, commitment, connection, attention these will get you your end result a woman so blissfully happy in her relationship that she cant get enough of you.
Try it. Stop focusing on your needs. Its not all about you there are two people here.
Dodger
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bevhembree
- Posts: 275
- Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 10:44 am
I was just reading over the other responses because I wanted to add that my husband now says "making love to your wife is an all day process." I LOVE the little hugs, flirting, to hear how good dinner was, to hear that he is proud of me, watching tv together and sharing our day. I'm a stay at home mom now and every little thing makes a huge difference after a day at home with the baby all by myself. You've gotten some very good advice. Best of luck to you! Beverly
"Here and happy because of my three little angels- Marie, Chad and Cady."