Feel like I'm at step one again

[manofmusic]

It's been while since I've posted, but I feel like I'm at my wits end. Mom went into the hospital today. There's still so much garbage going on with the siblings that I feel like I just want to pack up and leave town. This crap has been going on since dad passed away over a year ago ! This past week was my vacation week from work. I'm going back to work tomorrow more stressed out than when I left last Friday ! I don't want to call in sick tomorrow, but the shakes are so bad now that I don't know how helpful I'll be at work tomorrow. Sometimes I feel like it's one step forward and two steps back. I called the hospital about a half hour ago. Mom went in by ambulance about 8 hours ago and she's still in emergency. I tried to calm down as much as I could this afternoon to go see her. She's going to take a patient transport van back to the seniors home when she's done, so she told me to go home and relax. She said she'll be fine.

Calm down........yeah right.

So between mom and the garbage that's been going on for over a year, I'm back to step one again.

I attempted the relaxation tape, but it made me more anxious.

Maybe I should just go to bed early and try to sleep.

I haven't been eating very well either.....no caffeine though....but quite a bit of sugar. I wish that I was one of those people that when under stress I craved salads and exercise, but I'm not.

I try to take it all one day at a time, but my mind races so much.

[allenae9]

Please don't beat yourself up for being anxious. You have a lot going on to cause anxiety. Remember the program says its normal for the body to experience it. Its more about how we get through it then it happening. Remind yourself it isn't you that is deciding to stress eat, it's the anxiety (this helps me a lot as i am a huge stress eater). It also sounds like you are getting panicky because your fight or flight symptoms are showing. Just some things I noticed. I hope things improve.
With support,
Abbie

[tina martin]

When we rely on CBT programs such as this it is not unusual to slide back to square one. The reconditioning of the brain needs consistent attention. I've experienced it and it is evident in the recidivism we notice here.

You are a wonderful son any mother would be thrilled to have. Forget the siblings. They have to live with themselves. I am not as old as your mother but am up there. Your mother wants to see you well and happy. You can sit with her, hold her hand and praise her for the dear, brave mother she is and the fine son she has. You will regain what you feel you have lost. I find meditation invaluable and so sit twice a day, am and pm. All will be well.

[manofmusic]

Thank you for the replies.

Mom ended up going back home, but then today, she went back into the hospital. It turns out that she has pneumonia. They are keeping her in there now until she's better. My stress levels are very high now. Siblings are causing trouble and I want to put them in their place real bad, but I just breathe, breathe and breathe some more. I'll call the hospital tonight to see what room mom is in.......ER was really backed up today.

I haven't started the program over yet. I need to do that now before I crack. Luckily I have Monday off of work, so I have that extra day to just decompress, but if I didn't do this program originally, I'd be in the bed next to mom for sure !

I find that I have the tremors a bit, but I go outside and pull weeds and mow the lawn and do things to get rid of the obsessive thoughts. I'm drinking plenty of water and I'm eating good and yardwork and working around the house is my exercise. Sometimes I get the spins too. It's not actually a spinning sensation, it feels more like I'm walking on a boat in rough waters. That passes too, but comes back then goes then comes back and on and on. Walking into the ER felt like I was walking on a small boat.

I'm doing my best to stay calm, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

[forever young 06]

so sorry to hear about your mom, I am so glad to see a familar poster lol. I haven't seen paslee on here in a long time. I have gotten laid off from my job so I have a lot of time on my hands and don't know what to do with myself. This has increased my anxiety too. with losing mom I have had so many changes to deal with. I was just thinking how I need to start the program again and see if I can get a hold on my thinking. I am trying it doesn't always work.
I know when your parents are sick , it is very scarey you don't want to lose them but you know one day you will and hope you are prepared. I did better than I expected now I just know mom is at peace and she wasn't happy in the nursing home she was in. I did all I could but don't feel it was enough I am sure I could have done more.
just let family be they will never agree with you some just want to make trouble. My sister chewed me up more times than once even over moms funeral perprations she didn't want to use the funeral home mom chose. I didn't have it in wrighting but I stuck to it and let it be. You can't make everyone happy but I wish I had a loving family I crave it but you can't make some one like you are do as you want them too. this too must be accepted and get over it. I hope things are better with you and your mom will be okay. hang in there it too shall pass

[manofmusic]

Forever Young !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is good to see a familiar face !

Sorry to hear that you got laid off. It's happening all over the place. I'm still working, but who knows for how long.

I know that mom won't be around forever, but I'm not ready to lose her yet. Dad passed away over a year ago. I went to see her in the hospital today and her breathing is much better now. They gave her some medicine thru the oxygen mask and now she's just on the regular oxygen tube. They said she'll be on that until the pneumonia is gone (about 2 weeks or so). She's fortunate to be in a seniors home and not by herself in her home that she sold.

Sorry to hear about your mom. You are right, it's VERY anxiety producing.

I need to start the program over again also. I'll start that tonight. I was going to start again earlier, but with mom, I had other priorities for the past few days.

I'm doing my best not to let siblings interfere with my peace.

Good to hear from you again !

[THH]

Manofmusic!

I hopped on here tonight needing a lift and ran across your post. Sorry to hear of your mom being in the hospital. Stress is back at high levels for you. That will do it! Dealing with family is a big one as well.

Actually that is why I feel out of sorts as well. I get the dizzy feeling as you described, sometimes it feels like my throat is swelling up too. I know now that it is anxiety. Relaxing is the only thing that makes it go away. I have a Uncle whose health is failing. He is single, 72, and lets just say many years of bad things he has done to myself and the family. Mostly lying, complaining, borrowing money from every one and lying about his reasons. He even opened a checking account in my name one time. He had ask me for my S.S. he said he was putting me on as his beneficiary. He has nothing, went bankrupt and never admitted anything was his fault at all. Anyway, years of anger in my heart over him. Now his health is real bad and I struggle with how involved I want to be. My guard is up, and yet my family/christian values says avoiding him is not the right thing to do. When I go visit I always leave angry as he is never grateful for the visit. Always bringing up bad past things that I did not do for him. I am always exhausted trying to cheer him up. And nothing really works. He says you didn't bring me anything, You didn't give me a 70 Birthday party, you don't care about me.

After I did the program I realized it is not my problem that he is so angry, and unhappy. I never really learned new skills to deal with him, just avoided. Now I struggle with the right way to be with him. Lots of times I don't have it in me to go visit him. We really don't know what is wrong with him as he won't tell us the truth. I took him for surgery on his knee. When we got ready to say good bye, the doctors informed him he can not have the surgery because his blood pressure was too high. The doctor told him he needed to see a cardio last time???? So it is a mess. I'm working through it too. One step at a time. Remember to breath. We have everything we need in side. It is ok to take some time away from the situation.
Stuff is going to happen and we can not control it.

I also had a big stress-or, my husband of 27 years started drinking again. He has on and off through our whole relationship. He comes from a family of alcoholics. He does really good sometimes, for years, then falls and gets back on. He goes to AA at times. He wants to be a social drinker but he can't. I don't know first hand what that is all about thank God so it is hard for me. I worry for him. He has worked his whole life so hard, I hate to see him loose it. I try to give support where I can.

I guess I wrote alot, it has been so long all these things need let loose. I have not been on here in a long time, and was happy to see some of the old timers here. Also I liked coachchris being on here, that is new too.

We are here for each other, hope your feeling a bit more calm & secure.

[manofmusic]

THH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yikes ! You've been going thru a ton of stuff ! I've been having computer problems so I am back now. That's a shame about your uncle. I'm well aware of ungrateful relatives. I'm dealing with a few now. Getting that dizzy feeling is normal. I always thought it was caused by my mind racing a million miles and hour. Are you dealing with your uncle now, or is it strained.

That too bad about your husband. Hopefully AA works for him this time. It's a one day at a time struggle. Stay strong !

Mom's back in the hospital with pneumonia. I understand that hospitals are really short staffed and it's not the nurses fault, but more needs to be done. Since mom's been there, she's gone deaf. They think that she may have an ear infection. They seemed to not believe mom that she went deaf at the hospital. That upset her. I went to see her tonight and she was crying. She's been there for almost 2 weeks and they're not telling her anything. She wants to go back to the senior's home and it upsets me that they're not giving answers. I think that tomorrow night I will demand answers.............I may panic first, but with strength, I can do it. I won't be rude because it's not the nurses fault but I will let them know that I want to know.

Work has been stressful, but it keeps my mind off of other things for a while.

I need a vacation !

We are here for each other and I'm working on the calm and secure thing..........

[forever young 06]

hey mano, good to see you still here. miss all the originals but glad some will still post. I am still in the same spot trying to carve out a life out of unemployment it been 8 months and don't know which way to go. It is a scarey place to be,job security would be so good but who has it anyone could be laid off in this ecomony. Hope your mom gets better soon I rode that roller coster for 5 yrs with my mom that is another road to travel with aging parents. Life is a journey and only the strong surive guess I had better start lifting my weights as I am very weak. LOL

[THH]

Manofmusic,
Yep I'm here! I am involved to a small degree with my Uncle. It waxes & wanes with what ever is going on. It is going to be a hard one as he has to help his self in most of the things. I offer support, but the relationship has been strained. In his case I think he is so set in his ways there really is not much anyone can really do.

My husband has gone back to not drinking again! I am so happy for him, but kind of live with that ugly possibility most of the time. It is hard and I am strong, I just get easily overwhelmed.

I got some weird flu-ish thing last Wed. I went to the doctor Friday because I still had a temp. Sooooo he test my pee for a UTI and I did not have one BUT there was sugar in there! I had a virus he says and its over, but the big bad boy is my sugar was high. I don't eat much sugar, but am a carb eater. ( same thing I guess ) Well now I am on a low carb diet, low sugar diet and feel really light in the head! LOL.... I'm not sure if it is because I am coming down from all my usual diet or anxiety again but I am working the program again! They also pricked my finger with the sugar gauge and it was higher than normal. So I have to diet and exercise and go back in a month. This getting old is crap! My entire family except my dad and younger sister are all diabetics. I'm going to FIGHT!!!!

Boy that is scary for your poor mom. Life is hard. Hard. Hard.
You can do it! Talk to them at the hospital and let them know your moms wishes. Do you have POA for your mom? Hang in there guy, better days are coming...

Forever Young 06,
Good to see you here too. I'm sorry to hear about being unemployed! That is no good.
My sister lost her job 2 years ago after working there 21 years. She has had 3 sense then. This one #3 she took a cut in pay, and has to drive a long way to her job. Now after 3 months she wishes she would have stayed on the unemployment as she really don't like lots of things about it.
I hope you stay strong and keep looking. It is a different climate out there in the job scene. Something will pop up for you!