Wondering If I'll Ever Recover ... Feeling Discouraged

[meluv3]

Hi! I've never posted a new topic before, so not really sure if I'm doing this right ... but thought I'd try it out! To make a long story short, I developed severe anxiety and panic attacks a couple years back - to the point where I couldn't even get out of bad. I felt dizzy and shaky and nauseated and miserable pretty much 24/7. Went to the doctor several times and was diagnosed with adrenal exhaustion and that just pushed me over the edge. I didn't know what to do with myself and didn't see hope of getting better. I have 3 young children that I love SO SO much and that are absolutely wonderful and when the doctor said I needed to rest and destress to recover I just didn't see how that was possible. Another long story, but I started taking Celexa 5 mg and then 10 mg a couple months later (it was SO hard to get on these drugs!!). I did see some improvement after a few months and the doctor wanted me to up to 20 mg (the therapeutic dose), but I didn't want to mess with progress!! =) Well, progress was slow, but I was finally able to walk around the house for 20-30 minutes and could sit and read a book with our children and start to do little things ... eventually I was able to make it back to church (In the evenings since the mornings were still pretty tough) and then I was taking drives with the family to look at Christmas lights and took a couple trips grocery shopping ... it felt SO good! Well, after talking with my dr. we decided that I could try to come off the meds and keep up the positive self talk, relaxation, and exposure therapy. My body is pretty sensitive to meds, so I knew I needed to go slow ... and being the researching person that I am, I read up on the best way to decrease and what to expect (expect the worst, hope for the best usually works well for me!). I went from 10 mg to 9 mg and it was ROUGH! The IBS issue which was way more infrequent came back full force and I lost weight - which I am already small as it is. After about 6 weeks I started to feel better - saw the dr. again and asked - should I still keep decreasing?? He said yep. So I did is again ... same story ... and again ... same story. Here I am at 7 mg. I am having a hard time getting out of bed, insomnia and night panics have struck, I feel so dizzy and miserable and scared of low blood pressure, and just heartbroken that I can't take care of my babies again (9,7,4). I went through the program last year and it was so helpful and I am starting it up again ... on session 3. I just can't seem to shake the "there is something wrong with me" thoughts ... I feel so dizzy and faint and I take my blood pressure all the time ... sometimes it is low and others it is fine ... I hate the lifeless numb feeling ... like my hands aren't even there. I try not to get worked up and do my deep breathing, but I literally feel like I'm going to die unless I cry to raise my blood pressure. I'm just super fearful of passing out ... like that is the one thing that'll push me over the edge and I'll never get better. Being out of bed for more than 10 minutes provokes high anxiety. I've been pushing to show myself I can function, but now I just feel broken. Well, I usually like to read through things before I send it off, but this is pretty long. Just typing this has been therapeutic, so if you actually took the time to read this - thank you! Can anybody relate!? Has anybody gone from bedridden and scared to even walk to the bathroom to functional!? Any tips, thoughts, ... ??

[allenae9]

I would recommend going back to session one. I find this to be the most motivational session. It reminds you that you certainly aren't crazy, you aren't going to die, nor are you going to pass out. It teaches you that its okay to feel like you are but not to worry and it also reminds you that you're not alone. I would also recommend trying to break down why you are experiencing these symptoms. You posted all of them like that is who you are and nothing can be done of it. Give yourself more credit than that. Its time to work on you! Go back to your guidebook re-evaluate things that you wrote and questions you answered. Things change all the time. My book has so many scratch outs, side notes, and additions. I'm also starting the program again-ish. I only made it to session five four years ago and realize I still need to do this for myself so i'm back in the game and it feels great. I hope you, spend time on you.

Sincerely,
Someone who gets it

[meluv3]

Thank you so much for the reply and encouragement!!! I think going back to session 1 is a great idea - I will definitely do that! Working through session 3 right now ... forgot how easy it is to get sucked in to the negative self talk ... definitely worth the effort to regain some positive (helpful!) thinking! Have already started making some progress outta this pit! Hope you enjoy going through the program again ... what a wonderful tool! Thankful it was put together to help people in our situations! Take care! =)

[bthnown]

I am in a similar situation. I have been dealing with panic disorder for over 14 years. I have periods where I don't feel anxious at all, but sadly to say, those a few and far between nowadays. I worry about the same physical symptoms as I have low blood pressure, sensitivity to meds and other issues. The fear of passing out is always with me and I have an overwhelming fear that something is wrong with me. This constant state of high anxiety has turned my life upside down. I feel hopless because this "episode" has been lasting for a couple of months now. Med changes, group therapy, individual therapy and even hospitalizations have not worked. I'm so scared and on edge that even the slightest tasks seem monumental.

Basically just wanted you to know that I understand exactly where you're coming from. I think knowing that you're not alone is helpful when you're suffering. I hope this has helped, as reading your post helped me not feel so "abnormal".

Best of luck in fighting this unrelenting monster!

Beth

[meluv3]

Hi Beth!! I am SO SO sorry that you are having to deal with all these things too!! I have been in a "slump" for quite some time ... I haven't been dealing with it quite as long as you, but I am so discouraged and feel like I will never get through this. The thing that hurts the most is I just want to function and play with my kids or even just snuggle and read with them, but even that just seems impossible and puts me in a huge state of panic (I try the feel the fear and do it anyway, but the fear of passing out is so strong - I know I need to just push through, but when I push I usually just end up in tears and back to the depressed feelings). All that said, thank you for the note - it really does help to know I'm not alone, but still makes me sad that you have to endure this too! I feel like I know what I need to do, but each time I try I feel like I am falling farther and farther back. Can you hear all the negative talk here!? Good grief! =/ I am trying to stay positive and think positive and not have really any expectations for the day. I think I need to start up the journalling again to battle the thoughts. Have you tried that at all? One day at a time, right!? Well, on days like today ... one moment at a time! I will say that I have had a few encouraging moments in the past week ... able to walk around the house a little more and have pushed to spend time with the kids throughout the day in 5 minute increments. My big battle is thinking I'm a lousy mom because of all this and that is one of those negative thoughts I need to battle!!! I could keep typing, but will stop. It's just nice to "talk" with someone who gets it!! Take care and I truly hope you make your way to the other side of all this again! I'm here if you want to "talk" back! =)