I feel so alone

[chill1981]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting anything on here. I thought becoming a member would help so that I could find some support from others. I feel very alone most of the time, and although I know that I am my only safe person, it comforts me knowing that others have this problem. I recently was in a Practical Nursing program and dropped out due to anxiety. I can honestly say that anxiety has ruined my life in many ways. I was doing well up until 3rd semester clinical when we were now in the hospital instead of Long term care. I didn't know what to do and literally freaked out. The first 2 days were awful, but I thought I'd feel better after the weekend. Come monday evening, I was doing all my research on my client and it was so overwhelming.. I was so scared of things going wrong like the week before.. I wasn't giving myself the benefit of the doubt... of course I was feeling anxious because I had never been in acute care before!! I was having diarrhea the next morning and I didn't feel like I had anything under control in my mind. I didn't have a plan for how I was going to care for my clients.. I just felt so scared. I dropped out of school and then I spiraled into a bit of a depression. I hated myself for the decision I made, and I kept replaying those few days of acute care over and over again in my mind.. what could I have done differently? why did I not just stick it out? I was so afraid of looking like I didn't know what I was doing that I decided to quit!! I feel so stupid since I made my decision, because now I realize it's because of my anxiety. I bought this anxiety program years ago, but after going on an antidepressant I felt on top of the world.. nothing scared me.. so I thought I was okay.. I was so wrong. So here I am, not in school, back working, and I feel like I've lost a huge part of myself. School was my life, and now I feel so lost. I spoke to the program head of the practical nursing program in a different location and there's a chance I could get back in for September. This would be absolutely perfect, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I realize that I will have to face my fears in order to overcome them, and this means putting myself back into school and finishing. I only have a 5 classes left, and 2 practicums. I was reading in lesson 3 about how there are no failures in life. This is so hard for me to understand because I feel like such a failure. My schooling was funded for me and I feel like I threw away a wonderful opportunity. Now I"m starting to doubt I can finish. I have such a hard time thinking positively. I feel locked up in my house, and like such a loser. I have no friends to do things with.. I push people away because I'm too anxious to hang out with anyone.. this has been a problem for me for years. I've been doing some counselling and I've realized a lot about myself, but now that I'm aware of why I think the way I do, I don't know where to go from here. I realize why I'm such a perfectionist.. I was trying to be the perfect kid so my parents would love me. I come from a big family.. of 10 children.. #4 of those 10.. I felt like my other siblings were favored over me, and I felt uglier and not loved as much as the others. When in school I was such a perfectionist.. I had amazing marks, but at the expense of practically killing myself to get those marks. I became obsessed with school... and wasn't balancing life with school.. I put my whole heart into school and I did my absolute best.. but then I got super stressed out because I couldn't maintain this perfectionism.. it just got awful... I started to get angry, and things got awful with my husband.. I started to hate my teacher and wanted to find faults with her so that I could blame someone for my failure.. realizing I am the one causing my anxiety is so hard to accept.. I just feel like I have no idea what to do.. where to go from here... I live in a small town and since quitting school I realize that I haven't made any friends in this little town.. I've kept myself locked up in the house doing homework!

I just pray that I can get excited about life again. My plan of finishing school, and then starting a family seems so far away now.. I'm already 31 and I wanted to finish school to have the stability of my job as a nurse.. now that's gone and I have only myself to blame.. Now I'm so scared about going back to school and failing horribly again.. This time I have to pay for it myself, so that scares me even more. I am just blabbing.. hopefully someone can read this and offer some advice/support cause I really wish I had a friend to hang out with who also suffers from anxiety.. I feel so alone.

[lucy knepp]

Hello
Sorry to hear all that going on with you. I didn't see your post before or I would have responded. Hope you have found some people to write to It's good to chat on the mini chat. Mostly people are on in the evening . I am in Pittsburgh and go to mini chat around 8 or 9 pm. You can PM (private message) other too by clicking on their name. Hope you are feeling better. Stay in the program.
Lucy

[chill1981]

Thankyou for your response Lucy.. it's nice to see someone respond. I feel very alone most days. I'm at home and trying to keep busy. it's beautiful outside and all I want to do is sleep.. I feel like everything is just non exciting.. life in general that is... I will try to go on the chat later today. Every time I've gone in no one responds to my messages.. Support is so important right now. I hope to get to know more people. I am about to start week 4 of the program.. I haven't been spending as much time as I should with each week.. hopefully this week is a better one.. Trying to think positively is really hard for me!

[sara78]

You're not alone. We are all in the same boat here to support each other.

[LyndaLu]

dear chill:

We are here for you. We support you and we understand what you are going through
because we have gone through it all ourselves. Don't give up hope. Continue with the
program and keep writing on the website. Going back to school in September sounds
like a great opportunity. Don't wait too long to take action. I have been sitting here
unemployed for over three years, waiting for something to happen. Don't sit around
and wait like I have, work on feeling better every single day and don't skip a day.
You will succeed. I know you will achieve those goals. You WILL get what you are
looking for.

Lynda

[LyndaLu]

Here is something from a book I just read.
The book is "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff...and it's all small stuff" by Richard Carlson, PhD.

Page 34

Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart.


Lynda

[thirdshift]

i think most of us can relate,. I have dealt with anxiety/depression most of my life. Been on many anti depressants. May i make suggestion here? Dust yourself off. Give yourself credit for trying your schooling. Take deep breaths, do your relaxation exercises. Focus on more of the positives and breathe...Keep praying and keep looking up. ok

[samcat]

Chill,

I have read a story like yours dozens of times on this forum. Nothing you are experiencing is unusual to a person with anxiety and depression. We feel alone because no one understands what we go through every day to just make it through the day. We do isolate ourselves because we sometimes just can't muster up the energy to socialize. You are beating yourself up for something that is the past and you can't do anything about it. As one woman's doctor said on one of the CD'S, "Forget it." That made her mad at the time, but he was right. Dwelling on it just made her feel worse. Try to be happy that you have a second chance. Everybody fails at something in their life--everybody!! Even Einstein, Thomas Edison and Abraham Lincoln. and look at what they accomplished!!

Please don't feel alone. There are thousands of people with this disorder, all trying to get their life back on track. It is very hard to do, but it is doable. I know people who have done it! And don't give up on yourself and think your life is ruined. You are only 31--you have plenty of time.

Wishing you the best!! Keep posting. People are here for you and we are all in the same boat, so we understand. Keep doing the program and do the homework and relaxation and exercise.

[BethFunk]

Chill,

Are you still with the program and are you feeling a little bit better now? I have just started and am working on Session 3. I don't know where you are but know that I feel better already.

I know it is so hard to accept that you are responsible for your anxiety, but once you do... it is so cool! Because then you realized that you are responsible for fixing it. You don't have to wait for anyone else to fix it.

You are a student and know how to work hard to learn things. You were the one that got your own great marks. You can get these good marks too.

I can identify with feeling so alone... and having a husband who has suffered through this. The guilt is harsh. But we can change our present, right?

I hope you are alright in this moment and start to know you are not "alone".

If I don't answer it's cause I am not sure how to use the site... I will try to check back with you, Beth

[razman]

i think all of us feel alone at times...we feel like "no one has a clue about what i have to deal with".....i think it is helpful to share on this forum (i just started) because it is a big reminder that we are not alone at ALL! stick with, don't beat yourself up...praise yourself for even the smallest things. keep us posted! Rick