family issue, what to do?

[~HealthyMe~]

Long story. I have (had a close) relationship with my mother. My father is not a good person. He lost his job about 5 years ago (after 30 years with the company). He was caught doing things at work he was not supposed to be doing. My mother was the only one working. When I had moved out of there house, before he lost his job, their finances were tight. But that sunk them (think there was some blame on me for that).

Anyway they decided he was not going back to work because my father said he had money coming from unemployment and his pension. Months turned to years and he still hasn't gotten this money he was fighting for. It's always some story or another! Finally he convinced her to quit her job and move to down south to live on my aunts floor! They got rid of all of their possessions. They hadn't paid rent in the condo they were living in for 2 years after he lost the job!! Any now it's been a year of them living on the floor at my aunts. He found a job making 50% less than what he made before but at least he's working. He's still waiting for this "money" to come in!! Seriously is it possible to get a pension from another company that is "tied" up for five years?? Something is always off with him, lots of lies and deception. Anyway, she's the one doing nothing now. Locked in the bedroom watching tv all day. Getting more and more depressed. Talkin about her chronic health issues (due to the fact that she does nothing and lives with a loser). She's 1000 miles away from all of her family. I talk to her everyday. At first I did it in hopes of getting her to return but she won't do anything without him - her security blanket. I am starting to feel like I need to break ties with her. I don't want to but I'm getting really angry and bugged by her. Negative, victim mentality. She thinks they are hopeless and that they always get the short end of the stick. She preaches about what it like to be poor. I told her to apply for diability but she won't. I mentioned applying for bankruptcy but they won't. They owe everyone money. They pay my aunt no rent, but buy groceries but still then end up with no money each month

Seriously...toxic of all toxic relationships. The woman who used to be mother and bestfriend is turning into this pathetic depressed blah

[Guest]

Wow healthy, I have a similar issue with my mother. Its called codependency and a lot of women in their 50s and 60s have it I think.

My mother has a lot of health issues as well as emotional disorders such as severe depression and anxiety. She has been on medications since her early 30s. They seemed to help until she was hit with physical ailment after physical ailment and she started to give up. Now, she lives in her wheelchair in the kitchen in front of the TV. It kills me.

She has no desire to try, to get better, nothing. She has given up in all sense of the word. She cannot willnot make decisions for herself. I asked her a question the other day in 10 different ways and all I needed was a yes or no and she could not answer me. She kept saying I don't know what your father will allow me to do, etc. Like she needed permission.

I have talked to my therapist about this is excess. Basically she has told me what I already know, nothing I can do will change my mom. She is who she is as I am who I am. I can be there to listen and to support, but that's it. It is up to her to want to change her life. Chances are she will not change. Old habits die hard so to speak. What is important is that you do not let it effect you.

My mom wants me to be her caregiver and my therapist said no way. I would be in a looney bin in a matter of weeks.

I will always love my mom as I am sure you do, but I cannot not let how she choses to live her life effect mine.

[Guest]

So very hard for you! After reading your post I thought where's the magic dust when you need it? Wish the answers were straightforward and easy.
Hawaii gave you really good advice. You stay out of that nonsense, it will destroy you. You didn't create it, you cannot fix it. And, I agree with Hawaii about codependency, and I strongly encourage you to attend Al-Anon (or codependency) meetings if you can find a good supportive group nearby. When someone is broken because they keep hitting themselves with a hammer (metaphorically speaking) you cannot take their hammer away. They won't let you, but they will start hitting you with it, as well, if they get the opportunity.