Mother and I

Skaagent7 · Post by **Skaagent7** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:07 pm

For a while me and my mom had a rough relationship but we always stuck it thru. we always found way to see eye to eye, but sometime it fails. for a long time i had trouble with anxiety disorder and for a long time i felt my parent didnt understand exacly what i was going thru. it was a horrible experience for me since i felt sick. i felt like i was dying slowly. I was on meds for a long while but i didnt want to live with this feeling of no control over reality.

in the past year i started studying the samurai. that where my path lead to what it is today. A much better life with out meds. One of the attreaction over the samurai was there dedication and willing to die at any moment and still have a peaceful mind. I wanted to know what make them tick. I studied the history closely until i discovered a martial art called Kendo, "way of the sword". in kendo you mold the mind and body and cultivate the spirit. it's teaching help me discover myself and have courage to face the world. After starting Kendo I notice a difference. Even with moment with Anxiety i was able to "except" what it is and not let it control me, but let it be a part of me.( i know it sound crazy)

but for a while the one thing that has bothered me was that i felt my mother didn't care i was in Kendo or that it was helping me with my anxiety and for a while i didnt care either.
But today an interesting incident happen. as part of my uniform i wear hakana, a skirt like trouser. it very delicate and should be hand washed. Yesterday my mother machine washed it rippind some of the materials. i was upsat, but not angry. she didnt know it shouln'd be machine washed. so I explaind to her it wasnt her what happen. I know she did it in with good intension. the hakama was expensive and I did earn the tight to wear it in my dojo so its a symble of achivment to me, very important. She offered to buy me a new one and i accepted. But now im feeling guilty that i accepted the money. I felt that i took the money out of greed and didnt follow some of the zen teachings i learend. Im still feeling guilty even though i did not wrong her.

what do you guys think?
I dont know why im feeling so guilty.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 4:32 pm

I'm not sure what your zen teachings say about accepting money from someone to make amends but it sounds like your mother wants to do something nice for you to make up for her mistake knowing how important it is to you. Since you didn't ask or demand that she buy you a new one I would thank her and tell her you appreciate her gesture. But then again, I'm not sure what zen teachings you're following, so you may want to consult with one of your teachers.

monty'smom · Post by **monty'smom** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:13 pm

I just came back from practice and i had time to think things thru. i think the reason i felt so bad was that i expected her to not care that she messed up my hakama, that she would put up a fight, that it was my fault for not telling her and its not her fault period. but I can tell she was acually concern for what happen, she was sorry for it and offerd to replace it. From what I learn, a simple sorry is the best thing someone can give another if they truly mean it. My mind was attach more to the idea of replacing the the hakama then her feelings. what should have been more important was accepting her sorry and move on with life. I think thats where the guilt came from. I was more concern with material stuff then what is more important, My Mother. the road to happiness is not to let yourself attach to useless ideas and material, but cherish those moments of love and happiness with others.

I feel better now.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:36 pm

I understand what you were saying now. I'm glad you worked it thru and feel better.