What's wrong with me?

Rhasslariel · Post by **Rhasslariel** » Sat Jun 14, 2008 10:34 am

I find I'm feeling more resentful towards people who don't have to do what I do to feel good. And also, I get pissed when I see people doing things I know aren't good for them, but they either won't see the connection or it doesn't bother them. For instance, I've been driving my husband around for most of the day, and trying not to get annoyed with his childlike behavior and incessant questioning of everything.
I am trying real hard to not 'expect' anything. This has led me to feel very down. I can't get enthused over anything. Its almost like I feel I shouldn't be looking forward to things, or wanting things. While he was getting his hair done, I went into the arts and crafts store. Normally this would have filled my mind with things I'd want to do. Even if I didn't have the time or the money, I'd find inspiration all around. But today, nothing. It was like I felt 'what's the point?' Everything I looked at I thought was either money that needed to go elsewhere (something that in the past wouldn't have mattered, I'd have gotten what I wanted and worried about the money later). Or I figured it would just be one more thing in the house to worry about and take up space. I left the store with nothing but a feeling of emptiness.
Then, after all the running around was done, we went to have something to eat. My husband (who's a big guy anyway) had a mushroom and sausage omelet (with extra sausage) 3 cups of coffee with cream and lots of sugar, 3 pancakes swimming in syrup, and then for desert had a chocolate milkshake with extra chocolate and whipped cream. I'm on session 5 right now. So I'm looking at all this getting very pissed. All that sugar, all that caffeine, and he's going to bed now! He doesn't suffer from general anxiety. He doesn't sleep well, but that's due to his physical conditions and nightmares. I on the other hand am afraid of what I eat now. And I'm pissed that my options have been taken away from me. Not that I would eat all that, but now I don't even have the option. I'm pissed and I want to cry all at the same time. I don't drink much coffee, but now its no longer my choice, I'm afraid to drink it. I used to be able to drink coffee and go right to sleep when I was younger, same with sugary stuff. I was always an excitable person, but not panicky. Nor did I used to be depressed. This all seemed to start about 7 years ago. Shortly after losing my parents to severe illness (for which I alone was responsible for their care and financial upkeep). Shouldn't I be feeling better? Instead, I feel deprived and depressed and feeling like I'm not allowed to do anything anymore for fear I will lead to anxiety. I'm questioning everything I do or think or eat now. I don't like it. I look at all the people around me when I go out and wonder, how do they do it? How to they just go through their lives doing just what they want with no problems other than the basic ones? I'm trying very hard not to burst into tears while writing this. Some days I feel fine, others well, today is an example.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jun 14, 2008 11:40 am

Boy, did your message strike a chord with me!...I, too, have been resentful of "other" people, who I perceive as not having all the problems with anxiety, panic and depression that I do. But I try to realize that everyone has "stuff" in his/her life that is difficult. And I ask myself, "so what?"....regardless of what might or might not be going on with other people, I still have to deal with my problems, and what do I ultimately want? The answer to that is obvious, but it means I need to do all the work that is required to change. And it is work! If I choose not to do anything, than nothing is going to change. Try not to compare yourself with other people....just try to keep your "eye on the prize", and do what you need to do to feel better. Does this help? I hope it does.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jun 14, 2008 12:07 pm

rhass i really touched on what you wrote there are days i get realyyyy upset i have to watch what i eat and i see my bf and family eatting everything i feel cheated in a sebnse but then i think wait they may have problems we dont know abt for instance my bf has hadpain severe
at times finally went to er and found his kidney is damaged what does he do not a thing did not call dr for follow up or nothing he said if it gets real bad then he will do something so see then there is my sister(oldest) she has krohns disease suppose to watch eatting and take two days to right things rest she does not listen either so you see they have there own dilemma but we try to do all the right things i still sometimes feel pissed i have coronary artery disease and i get so afraid of meds but we still are aloud our feelings of whatever!!!

JaL · Post by **JaL** » Sat Jun 14, 2008 12:23 pm

One of the great things you will learn in the program, is you don't have the burden of making decisions for other people. You are not in charge of any one but you, and you have all you can do just keeping yourself, happy. Believe me it is the key to happiness for us, to realize it is not our job to protect, any one but us.
Your can look forward to things, like being free to concentrate on your life, being free to stop having to make decisions, for other people,
I understand your feelings of what's the point, I too wondered if our marriage was worth it, my husband was so silent, and I swore he has a tape worm, every thing I eat stays with me, but not him, he can eat anything. Except when he has a cup of coffee his acid reflux flairs up, and if he drinks bear, or eats to much sugar his exima flairs up. So he isn't getting off scoot free. but I don't bother him, about it. he knows what is giving him problem he is over 21 it isn't my job to feed him only to cook for him. At first he complained, but now that I am not so moody, and upset all the time. He isn't fussing with me anymore. he likes the new me.
I used to be all that too, and nothing I ate bothered me, or added to my girth, but I had to get off the fairies wheel, The sugar ups and downs, that causes so much of the mood swings, and stress, my adrenal glands were nearly burned out, but now that I have been off of it for a year I find I don't miss it, and if I do have a few bites, it doesn't affect me like it did. All things in MODERATION is the key. but first you have to get off of all of it for a time untill your body can get back in balance, then now and them a little won't hurt you.
Mine also started with loosing my Grandmother, then in 10 months my Dad, then 4 months my Uncle, then in 2 months a Great Uncle. then that next year my Mother in Law, and I also was in charge of all her care that year of sickness. it was devastating. on top of my astrainged daughter, I lost my grip, my body was stressed out headed for burnout. that was 6 years ago. and
I too was thinking How does every one else get through this stuff, without falling apart. I find that most of them don't, they are just better at holding it together, stuff happens! to all of us, some people are more able to choose to be happy, they live in the moment, and put things behind them and move on with more ease. In short All the things you are learning in this course come easy for them. They already know this stuff, perhaps their parents taught them more because they knew more, I know I certainly have changed what I tell my kids to do with disappointment, and rejection now.
Keep up with this course and you will be part of the solution, instead of part of the problem. Take your husband off the potters wheel, and concentrate on yourself, B+ positive!!!! about your future, and live in the moment. I guarantee you this program works, I finished it nearly 2 years ago now, and it just gets better, and better every day!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jun 14, 2008 12:54 pm

Thanks for the support. I really am feeling better than I did before starting the program. So I know it works. And I know the things it teaches are true. Its just putting them to practical use that seem so hard at times. My husband is a wonderful person. He's very supportive of me and what I'm going through. He tells me constantly how much he loves me, and appreciates me, and how beautiful he thinks I am inside and out (I'll have to take his word for that). I know deep down I'm lucky to have him. He had an awful life until I came along. Abusive parents, step-parents, teachers, classmates etc. And as an adult his life didn't get much better. He lived below poverty level his whole life until I "found" him. Ironically, its this life that had taught him a lot of what this program teaches. He doesn't have high expectations of things (except expecting people, or as he puts it 'the humans' to be rude, nasty, liars only concerned with themselves). He never expects things to go smoothly, so when it does, he's thrilled. He doesn't expect the world to give him happiness, so he looks for it from himself. I envy him a lot of the time. Though he can't for the life of him figure out why anyone would envy him.

R.T.E. · Post by **R.T.E.** » Sat Jun 14, 2008 1:09 pm

I have to be really honest, I haven't given up on anything! I still have my coffee, it is half caffiene, half decaf, no big deal. I still go out to eat once a week, no biggy, I still have a snack here and there, no biggy. Your life doesn't have to stop because you have this program. Moderation is the key!