Ashamed and angry at myself

radarsmom · Post by **radarsmom** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 11:54 am

Hey everyone

I am NOT having a very good day and am hoping someone might help me.

I am agoraphobic but I am trying to do all that I can and taking baby steps to face my fears. Today I went in to the grocery store with my "safe people" waiting outside and I did okay till it came time to check out and I couldn't get myself to do it to save my life. I tried a few times but I did'nt succeed.

After trying and failing for awhile I saw my aunt in the store and I thought I'll go talk to her and get calmed down. I told her that I couldn't check out and that I was struggling and she said that she would go with me and stand there till I got done. She did and I was able to check out but by the time I got to the car and back to my safe people I was so ashamed and angry at myself. I cried and cried.

I hate this disorder, anxiety and agoraphobia!! I think it is SO STUPID that I was unable to check out. I wanted to but I just couldn't DO IT. I am so tired of all of it. The struggling day to day. The negative thoughts that I can't seem to get rid of. All of it. I am so ashamed and ANGRY at me. UGH!!!

My aunt and my safe people were kind and supportive but I want to be normal. I can get the groceries in the buggy but forget about eating. CAUSE I CAN"T Pay for 'em.

Please any help is welcome and much needed.

GirlWisdom · Post by **GirlWisdom** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 1:14 pm

Hey Radarsmom! Don't beat yourself up about this. You don't have to feel ashamed. You are normal, you are just afraid, and it doesn't matter that the fear is rational or irrational, the point is, there is fear there. You are doing the right thing by posting, doing the program, and taking baby steps. You have to look at the positive. You had your safe people wait outside, and at least you did go in yourself, and you tried. You really tried! That in itself took courage. The fact that you needed a little help is OK. You did make progress even if it was just a small step. Remember, the journey of a thousand miles, begins with just one step. The energy you are using putting yourself down negatively, please change it to positive and tell yourself the fact, you did go in alone, and you genuinely tried, and you will succeed in time. Keep up those positive affirmations, and the program. Things take time, and your going in the right direction. Just think, you went out and put the groceries in the cart! In time you will be going through the check-out alone too. In time, you'll look back at this! Keep going!

Hugs

Jennifier · Post by **Jennifier** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 1:25 pm

That is a huge step!!!! You went into the store by yourself! I get scared going to the store and even to walk in there is soo hard for me. Then at the check out line I feel like running away. I feel like I am trapped by the people because it is up to them to make it as slow or fast. It makes me feel like I'm not in control. So you did amazing to go into the store. I talk on the phone when I am at the checkout lane because it helps me make it through. Little steps are always better than none. You should be proud of yourself some people don't ever take that chance. You are doing great! Keep up and soon you will be doing it all by yourself! Keep a positive attitude and don't slam yourself because you are giving it an effort.

lovelysmile · Post by **lovelysmile** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 2:22 pm

Hello radarmom! I just wanted to Congratulate you! for many reasons, first for entering to the store by yourself, second for taking the time to buy your groceries, and third for wait on line and pay. It takes a lot of courage, and I know that because I went through that myself actualy I'm still working on it. I noticed my anxiety was really bad when I noticed I was afraid to go inside the store by myself. I tried many times to cross the doors by myself while my safe person was waiting for me in the car and I couldn't do it, I would get panic feelings and I would go back to the car to get my Mom or my husband and my baby so all of us would go to the store together. Till one day I tried to go inside by myself and I did it, it took a lot of courage from my part, I did my breathing technique all the way till I paid, and when I felt I was loosing it I would call my safeperson that was waiting for me in the car and that made feel allright again. I tried that a couple times till one day I notice I wasn't afraid anymore. But once in a while if I go to stores that I'm not familiar with I get a little nervious, but I do my breathing technique or call my safeperson and I feel much better, sometimes I even take loger because I'm enjoying being there by myself and my safeperson gets mad at me...

I just want to let you know that you are not the only one and that you can do it. I did this before I order my program, but would of been easier if I would of know that IT'S OK TO BE ANXIOUS, AND THAT I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE, this is only my second week, and I learned to love myself, and congratulate the smallest good thing I do to get better. I used to drive before, go to the store by myself, and actually this week I'm going to try to drive to the strore at least, and I know I will feel anxous, but I'm going to try and congratulate myself for that! So, Congratulation!!!!!!!!

radarsmom · Post by **radarsmom** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 1:58 pm

Hello

Thanks for the encouragement and kind words. I am trying hard to do as each of you have suggested and focus on what I did do and not what I had trouble with. Shame is a horrible emotion and I do NOT want to hang onto that so I am going to let that go.

Jennifer, Your reply spoke loudly to me when you were talking about not being in control and about how them being fast or slow is up to them not you.....I believe that was one of the main reasons I was struggling so much to go through the check out. I was thinking that I didn't want to embarass myself if I panicked and ran out of there and I was also thinking about the loss of CONTROL but the thought was so fast that I didn't realize it till I read you post. Thanks for turning me on to that. I am now clearer on my issue so maybe I can find a way to succeed in checking out by myself next time.

Thanks so much. I needed you all and you were here for me. Thank you for reaching out to me when I was hurting. You helped.

CarolynEd.Dir. · Post by **CarolynEd.Dir.** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 2:25 pm

Radarsmom,

No matter how many ways you try to analyse it - it all comes down to the FACT - you DID it!

Good for you...now go do it again...over and over and over...next time just buy a pack of gum.

I love your ingenuity...find an Aunt and go talk to her...

love it.

Practice makes everything easier- the good stuff and the not so good stuff. Carolyn

radarsmom · Post by **radarsmom** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 2:42 pm

Hi Carolyn,

Hmm I LOVE the pack of gum idea. That would be a great practice! I'll try it.

I believe another reason I was having such a hard time last time was because I had a handful of coupons and I was going to pay with a card instead of cash. I think I was trying to do too much too fast. The gum would be quick and (hopefully) easy.

I'm going to try again to go through the check out this coming week. I'll do the gum trick and let you know how it goes.

Thanks.