Does anyone else have this problem: needing to tell someone everything that has ever run through your mind. I have scary obsessive thoughts and relive my past constantly. What happens is I get stuck on one memory that could hurt the person closest to me and then I feel the need to tell them. My mind won't rest until I tell them. It is so terrible because I would never want to hurt anyone.
It is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend and family. I obsess about the past so much I don't even know what is a part of my memory or what I added with my crazy head. I think the worst hurtful thing from the past and then want to tell my boyfriend. We have been together for 7 years and I am still so happy. (When I am not worrying) I recently told him of a time that I doubted our relationship and just wondered what it would be like to be with someone else, even though I definitely don’t want to be. He was hurt but totally understanding. Even though I told him, I can’t stop feeling this terrible guilt. I know it doesn’t sound so bad but it causes terrible pain. I just can’t be happy anymore. Sometimes it hurts just to look at him. I had to leave our house for a week without really telling him why. I have created this fear of being around the person I love the most…the only person who has been able to talk me through all this. Now I can’t even tell him what is bothering me. I have also done this with my sister and mom. I know I am a good person but I can’t stop focusing on the negative. I just feel like there is no hope sometimes. I feel bad for everything I have ever done, for every mistake I have ever made. I just can’t stop reliving them over and over again.
If anyone has advice for this I would greatly appreciate it.
reliving the past: can't stop
Dear Jacquelin,
First of all, you are going to have to go through some discomfort for awhile, but discomfort is not new for you. The difference between your discomfort now and your discomfort to exposing to your fear is the the latter is temporary. The other keeps coming back (as you have seen for yourself.)
The next time you get the urge to tell someone what you are thinking - notice the urge and do not push it away. BUT do not tell that person what you are thinking. This is going to bring on anxiety even more for awhile but hold your ground. Do not tell anyone what you feel you must share. Pay attention to when the anxiety passes - without you saying a word. You are subconsciously hearing: If you don't tell what is on your mind the tension will never go away. Hogwash!!!! It will go away and infact does go away rather quickly if you stand your ground! Practice this as often as you can.
You can even say - Oh, there's that urge again. (Then just observe it. Nothing more. It will pass on its own.) Practice this over and over and over again until it no longer bothers you not to share what is on your mind.
The guilt you feel is just more of the same. Feel it. Don't push it away. It's totally unnecessary. It will pass by you just observing it. Don't buy into it.
First of all, you are going to have to go through some discomfort for awhile, but discomfort is not new for you. The difference between your discomfort now and your discomfort to exposing to your fear is the the latter is temporary. The other keeps coming back (as you have seen for yourself.)
The next time you get the urge to tell someone what you are thinking - notice the urge and do not push it away. BUT do not tell that person what you are thinking. This is going to bring on anxiety even more for awhile but hold your ground. Do not tell anyone what you feel you must share. Pay attention to when the anxiety passes - without you saying a word. You are subconsciously hearing: If you don't tell what is on your mind the tension will never go away. Hogwash!!!! It will go away and infact does go away rather quickly if you stand your ground! Practice this as often as you can.
You can even say - Oh, there's that urge again. (Then just observe it. Nothing more. It will pass on its own.) Practice this over and over and over again until it no longer bothers you not to share what is on your mind.
The guilt you feel is just more of the same. Feel it. Don't push it away. It's totally unnecessary. It will pass by you just observing it. Don't buy into it.
"Life is not about comfort. It is about living." Dr. Howard Liebgold
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clearsky27
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 8:11 am
I get the same way. Anything that I have ever done that I regret I cant let go of. Even things from 10 years ago (nothing bad just typical college stuff). The way I deal with that(or try to) is to think to myself ok when I am even older and have a family Im not going to worry about this stuff...its life. As far as the reasurrance go I have found something that really helps. First off most of the time you ask someone for reassurace you already know what they are going to say. Usually with me anyway its "Its your OCD" or "There is nothing to worry about". SO I say to myself why ask them? why upset them? I dont know about you but once I start "confessing" things it brings on more anxiety because then I am afraid of what they think (even though its nothing). This makes it worse so I weigh it. I can honestly say those two steps have really made me stop asking 742734 questins a day to my loved ones. Hope this helps.
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ItsOkayThisIsGood
- Posts: 21
- Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2009 12:11 am
Wow, this is my problem too, in a huge way, TOTALLY!
I carry around a sense of guilt for things I perceive as "bad" that I did (just a few events in my life from the past 5-10 years or so) and feel the need to purge this every time I'm in a new relationship!
It's like I'm looking for this validation from them, or I'm feeling so guilty that I must confess to them or feel horrible about letting them be with me who did something bad.
Once again, I brought it up with my new boyfriend of less than 2 months, and my only saving grace this time is that he just happens to be someone who also went through this program - but he did it 10 years ago! So he understands my OCD/anxiety problem as well as anyone could. Thank God for that!
Still, despite letting him know there is this "something" I once did that he might judge negatively (haven't told him exactly what, but have hinted and he's close to figuring it out) - I still feel guilty, still feel wrong, still feel like my whole life is tainted from one stupid experience that was some bad, but also some good.
I need help reframing the past. I'm so tired of being my own worst judge, jury and executioner!!!
I carry around a sense of guilt for things I perceive as "bad" that I did (just a few events in my life from the past 5-10 years or so) and feel the need to purge this every time I'm in a new relationship!
It's like I'm looking for this validation from them, or I'm feeling so guilty that I must confess to them or feel horrible about letting them be with me who did something bad.
Once again, I brought it up with my new boyfriend of less than 2 months, and my only saving grace this time is that he just happens to be someone who also went through this program - but he did it 10 years ago! So he understands my OCD/anxiety problem as well as anyone could. Thank God for that!
Still, despite letting him know there is this "something" I once did that he might judge negatively (haven't told him exactly what, but have hinted and he's close to figuring it out) - I still feel guilty, still feel wrong, still feel like my whole life is tainted from one stupid experience that was some bad, but also some good.
I need help reframing the past. I'm so tired of being my own worst judge, jury and executioner!!!
Yes, I too have the problem of living in the past. 2 yrs ago(summer 07) my husband had an affair that lasted about 4 months. In the beginning we had separated, not to divorce or date other people but to join a couples Bible study while living apart. The point was to remove some stress so we could begin to deal with our issues. I jumped in whole hearted. I did the homework and the journaling and came to see my contribution to our problems and was trying to fix them.
Meanwhile he became cold and distant, I began to come across clues that he was seeing someone. I prayed about it, because my feelings about adultery have always been that it equals divorce children or not. To my surprise and against my desire, I felt the Lord telling me to stand and fight for my marriage. I know many of you won't understand this. I can only say what I know to be true in my life. I moved back into our home and stayed in the guest bedroom, where I spent many nights crying and praying. Somehow God's peace would come in and soothe me, strengthen me for the next day. Then the truth came out, He had a girlfriend, his coworker, our neighbor, our children attending the same school. It was hell, mostly because he wouldn't be honest. I stood my ground and let him know that I would not sign any divorce papers, he would have to do the process without my consent. Anyway I finally sat for hours in fromt of her house until they came out. And he couldn't lie anymore. This went on for about one more month, while I continued to pray, take care of the house and my girls and work. I wanted to give up but God carried me, he held my hand and he reassured me that my husband's heart could be changed. And it was. On his own he made the decision to break off relations with his girlfriend and recommit himself to our marriage. (Oct.07)It has been a new start with lots of bumps along the way processing everything. It was the most painful, humilatiting, self esteem crusher that I've ever gone through. It was during this time I was robbed at gunpoint at the bank where I worked and that resulted in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The love that we have now is much deeper now than the the first ten yrs of our marriage. We can be honest with each other and we try to meet each others needs before our own. So for the first 2 yrs of being back together I was on Lexapro, I was taken off of it in June and it's been hell all over again. My husband does his best to encourage me and to help me in any way. But when I have a trigger (from the affair) I cry I yell, it's like it just happened, last night was the worst because it got so bad I told my husband "I hate you" over and over. since being off of the meds my self esteem has dropped to negative levels. And that's how I got the program. I have to get well in the circumstances and it's very challenging and there are days I don't think that I'm strong enough. But if I end my marrriage I don't think the painful memories will just go away. Either way I have to overcome them.My husband has said he is not going to let me give up. He actually left work today to be with me because I texted him that I can't , I'm not strong enough. He feels confused too because he "caused alot of my pain" and he reads the partner guidelines and talks to me about where I am and how I'm feeling. He will also pray with me if I need him to. Any advice on how to overcome stong images and memories of the past would be very helpful.
Meanwhile he became cold and distant, I began to come across clues that he was seeing someone. I prayed about it, because my feelings about adultery have always been that it equals divorce children or not. To my surprise and against my desire, I felt the Lord telling me to stand and fight for my marriage. I know many of you won't understand this. I can only say what I know to be true in my life. I moved back into our home and stayed in the guest bedroom, where I spent many nights crying and praying. Somehow God's peace would come in and soothe me, strengthen me for the next day. Then the truth came out, He had a girlfriend, his coworker, our neighbor, our children attending the same school. It was hell, mostly because he wouldn't be honest. I stood my ground and let him know that I would not sign any divorce papers, he would have to do the process without my consent. Anyway I finally sat for hours in fromt of her house until they came out. And he couldn't lie anymore. This went on for about one more month, while I continued to pray, take care of the house and my girls and work. I wanted to give up but God carried me, he held my hand and he reassured me that my husband's heart could be changed. And it was. On his own he made the decision to break off relations with his girlfriend and recommit himself to our marriage. (Oct.07)It has been a new start with lots of bumps along the way processing everything. It was the most painful, humilatiting, self esteem crusher that I've ever gone through. It was during this time I was robbed at gunpoint at the bank where I worked and that resulted in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The love that we have now is much deeper now than the the first ten yrs of our marriage. We can be honest with each other and we try to meet each others needs before our own. So for the first 2 yrs of being back together I was on Lexapro, I was taken off of it in June and it's been hell all over again. My husband does his best to encourage me and to help me in any way. But when I have a trigger (from the affair) I cry I yell, it's like it just happened, last night was the worst because it got so bad I told my husband "I hate you" over and over. since being off of the meds my self esteem has dropped to negative levels. And that's how I got the program. I have to get well in the circumstances and it's very challenging and there are days I don't think that I'm strong enough. But if I end my marrriage I don't think the painful memories will just go away. Either way I have to overcome them.My husband has said he is not going to let me give up. He actually left work today to be with me because I texted him that I can't , I'm not strong enough. He feels confused too because he "caused alot of my pain" and he reads the partner guidelines and talks to me about where I am and how I'm feeling. He will also pray with me if I need him to. Any advice on how to overcome stong images and memories of the past would be very helpful.
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Heather Rowan
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Sun Oct 18, 2009 1:34 pm
Wow! It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. My husband also cheated on me several times with different women. I had to get a divorce because the cheating was never going to stop. Time has slowly began to heal. I just try to never think about what happened and move on. When the thoughts try to come I busy myself with something else until they are gone. I have a lot of angry and resentment towards him and all of his girlfriends who destroyed our family. Like you, I also have low self-esteem because of what happened. But, I have to try to forgive if I can ever get better and completly move on with my life.
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annika2009
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2009 3:59 pm
I, too, have difficulty not telling someone what is on my mind. It seems like the only relief, even though I know it isn't long term relief because there will soon be something else to take its place.
I have tried the "not telling" and just riding it out and once in a while it does work for me, but for the really awful thoughts, I end up with other thoughts coming in that tell me I am keeping quiet because I feel guilty about something and now I am hiding it instead of admitting the thought. A vicious circle!!
I have tried the "not telling" and just riding it out and once in a while it does work for me, but for the really awful thoughts, I end up with other thoughts coming in that tell me I am keeping quiet because I feel guilty about something and now I am hiding it instead of admitting the thought. A vicious circle!!