HOCD - going crazy.. :(

[ihaveissues]

Hi - so this started about 3-4 Years ago (around 20) where i dating a girl and i had sex with her but she was rough and i couldn't maintain my erection.

I obviously had some anxiety issues as it was my first time, since then i haven't been in a relationship, i was obviously still attracted to females since this incident happened i couldn't maintain a proper erection.. then the big question came " i couldn't maintain a erection because im gay??"
I then decided to take a big test and toke viagara and i was fine (able to maintain a erection with a female). So it has to be a anxiety problem for me.

Then after a few weeks later-- I would test my self at least 10-15 times a day looking at photos and images of males and see if i would get a erection. After a few months it would fade away like nothing happened and i would be back to "normal" (meaning not checking, and having feelings towards females and being attracted to them).

This has been going on for a few years, and has just happened all of sudden for the past 2 weeks when i saw a tv ad about "impotence" i freaked out and this question about " i cant maintain a erection because im gay"?

I know that im not gay as when im not checking myself/and not in this disorder phase i get turned on by females and am 100% straight. It's only when this "am i gay phase" kicks in i go crazy...looking at everything, watching sports to see if i get turned on by guys, even in my dreams i would wake up and check if i had a erection and if i was dreaming about a guy.

Its driving me crazy because im usually attracted to females, always thought about marrying a female etc etc.

Now all i think about is " would you date a guy" Do you like this guy??"

I know for a fact that i am straight, but this obsession is driving me crazy..

Sometimes if i really think hard about being with a male i can almost vomit..

How do i stop this horrible thought pattern??

I know what triggered this problem was because i wasn't able to maintain a erection with a female but my mind thinks its because im possibly gay. (though i know that im not gay).

[SeaRunner]

Issues -

You've probably heard this many times before, but the only reason you're obsessing about this is because it scares you. You already know that you're straight so that's really not the problem. Once you get over your fears, the worrying will likely reduce, if not stop altogether.

When I had fears of hurting someone, my doctor at the time told me to just go with the fearful thoughts. That is, to let them play out in my mind so I could see how ridiculous they were. Like you, I knew the fears weren't real, they just scared me.

So in your case, so what if you were gay? Would it really be that awful? You always get to choose if and who you sleep with so you're not going to be forced to do something you don't want to. You know who you really are and worrying about it or "checking" isn't going to change anything.

[tweaky1h]

I'm no expert, other than I'm a bonafide OCD obsessive thinker, but I'm willing to bet that the fear of being gay is in the top 10 list of obsessive thoughts.

They're all distractions, and the scarier or more disturbing, the better. When I was younger I hated going on the second story of the mall because I feared I'd lose my mind and jump over the railing (and how embarrassing that would be). I know now, I was probably experiencing social anxiety which was too painful to face so I distracted myself with something scary and rediculous.

During my 20's I had this overwhelming fear of contracting AIDS...I used to switch doctor's frequently so they wouldn't get wise to how many HIV tests I had. I did this during steady relationships, casual relationships, and even when I wasn't having sex with anyone (because those other tests could be wrong, you know). Was I distracting myself from the fact that I wasn't maintaining healthy relationships, which would have precluded the need for 20 HIV tests!!!!

Just a distraction...get to the root of what you're distracting yourself from...and those scary thoughts will melt away. Besides being gay isn't so bad, is it?

[ihaveissues]

thanks for the advice searunner...

and tweaky of course theres nothing wrong with being gay, but its annoying as i know im not gay but still have to constantly check etc.

anyways i will follow your advise and hope to solve this.

[MarkCal1287]

Issues, I very much feel you pain. I have had this obsession for about a year and a half now. Though I think it bothered me when I was younger, then again everything bothered me when I was younger. The constant checking is just ludicrous, it's a constant un-answerable loop in my mind. I think this thought is so prevalent amongst OCDers because there isn't a "gay" test anywhere. Gay people could be just as manly as straight people, and straight guys could be just a flamboyant as gay ones. Mine has recently been made worse by learning that a friend of mine at work is apparently gay. This led to me watching everything he does, to make sure I didn't do it that way, and that I wasn't a gay too. I'm obviously atracted to women, i can't stop staring at them, i love the way they look and smell and act. On that same token however, I find men "attractive" it's just not in the same way. You also find men attractive, it's just natural. Anyone can see weather or not someone is attractive or not. Jesus, even during this reply i hear the track playing in my mind, trying to almost convince me of my gayness. This has gotten me to the point where, I don't wanna have sex with my girlfriend because I know that I'm probably going to get anxiety during it, and freak myself out, thus making it hard to climax, thus making me even more stressed. Sometimes thinking a gay thought is the only thing that allows me to continue because it moves it out of the way and the thought process stops for a a couple minutes. Even last night, my gf and i started fooling around a bit, just biting at eachother while we were watching TV. I got turned on, and within a few minutes my anxiety took over fearing about the eventual thought processes and I stopped. It started the process anyway though. "Maybe you stopped because your gay." then the ROCD kicked in "Maybe you don't love her."

[Kami1095]

Okay. I think that if you dont wanna be gay to this extreme...you probably arent gay. But the other thing is you guys are WAY too hard on yourselfs on this erection thing. And the minute you start to be hard on yourselves about it...the problem gets worse. It's hard to be turned on when you are anxious. I'm female...and sometimes i dont get turned on... and im a ...passionate...female. and even i dont get turned on at times. sometimes i want to badly...but our bodies are wierd...sometimes i have a guy get intimate with me...and nothing responds. its ok. i hate how it is acceptable for women to not respond to sex, but unacceptable for men not to. if you have a girlfriend who is unaccepting of the fact that your erection goes away or doesnt rise sometimes...you guys need to have a little talk. i promise you, EVERY guy ive dated has had sexual setbacks...and fairly often. whether its random disappearance of the erection... or getting done too quickly. any guy who tells you that he consistently performs like a wild tiger of love is most likely lying. and in the small chance that they do perform every time, they are probably watching themselves in the mirror or something when they are with their girl (:P)

its nerves hon. im dating a man who loves...im trying to be delicate here on this family forum. but i want to get a point across...so if you dont want to hear details move on...

im dating a man who loves oral. i was the first girl to ever do it for him. he always wanted it, but never had it. the first time i tried to do it for him he couldnt get an erection. i cried cause i thought he was not attracted to me. turns out i was WAY wrong. i have never been more wrong. turns out he was anxious as heck.

so dont be so hard on yourself. its anxiety.