Accepting OCD...Scary thoughts, now, thanks OCD.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jul 10, 2001 7:57 pm

First off, I would just like to introduce myself. My real name is Brian, I'm 26, with a civil engineering degree, working for a company in Illinois and I have OCD. Well, OCD, anxiety, depression, all of that stuff. I just recently purchased the "attacking anxiety & depression" program and I'm in my second week. I've noticed some positive changes so far and I'm looking forward to going through it. In my packet, it says I should have a list of physicians in my area that specialize in using this program, but for some reason, i can't find that list. Perhaps someone to email me a copy or something or let me know where I can find it.

I've had OCD pretty much since I was little. It would go in spurts, I would have it for a year, then it goes away, comes back again, worries change, etc. I'm a HUGE checker. I love checking things. It takes me forever to lock the front door of my apartment. I have no idea why it takes me so long, guess I'm afraid of something bad happening, you all know what I'm talking about. I used to abuse alcohol really bad and had some trouble with drinking and driving. Lost license a couple of times. Really hurt my employment opportunities and social life. The drinking abuse has stopped now.

I'm rambling I think. I've been having anxiety episodes for the past year or two now. I used to live in St. Louis, my problem started out as driving. I lived in a high residential area, crammed with people, cars, pedestrians, walkers, etc. All of a sudden, I don't really know how it happened, but I became TERRIFIED of driving. I was always afraid I would hit someone with my car. "Scary Thoughts". I had just gotten my license back after losing it for 15 months for DUI and I told myself that I would NEVER lose my license again. So here is my mind "I live in a very highly traveled area. joggers, walkers criss crossing the road, cars everywhere, what if I take my eyes off of the road at some time and I HIT someone and never know it" "what if I hit them and never know it and I lose my license again." then it went to "well, what if I hit someone and never new it and I hurt someone, worse yet, kill someone" So of course, I am CHECKING like CRAZY everytime I drove. Every dump became a hit pedestrian that I had to stop and look for. Every flash from the corner of my eye was a biker I didn't see and that is now lying in the road dead. So it would take me FOREVER to get to work. Towards the end of my life in St. Louis, I STOPPED driving all together and took cabs to work. I couldn't take the constant checking and rechecking of the road making sure I didn't hit someone. Then I would get depressed because I had LIMITED my life by not driving. Then I thought that "well, i must be crazy, I mean i couldn't wait to get my license back, and now here i am not driving. why am I scared of hitting people, maybe... i want to hit people...what would that sound like in the car, maybe I hit someone a month ago and no one saw it and the person was hurt and died. I did hit a dump that day. I didn't check it.. I should have checked it, I can't check everything. I am going crazy!" See what hell I was going through.

I got another job back closer to my parent's back in Illinois, thought that would be better. Ok, middle of no where, no pedestrians to check, back to where I grew up. I could drive when I was younger, the feeling would help me drive again. Country living, no cabs, I'll have to drive. And so far, I'm doing pretty good. Occassionally I feel like back tracking the road and checking to see if I hit someone. But usually I can use "coping skills" to calm myself, which i am developing with this program. last night, I emailed my local mental health provider and decided to try and see someone, need to tell someone my problems. I keep it all bottled up. People in the country have no idea what OCD is, they'll think I'm crazy. So I need to talk to a professional. Perhaps get in a support group locally. Anything, but no family or friends should know...for now.

Boy I'm typing alot, but the more I type, the better i'm feeling. About the last 7 months or so, I now have "scary thoughts", which are about worse the fear of driving. Scary thoughts can happen at pretty much any time for me. My big thing is poisoning. I know what triggered it, a movie I saw. This really nice guy went around poisoning people just for no apparent reason. Restaurants, movie places, everywhere. So of course, I think that I'm gonig to do just that. (I cheated and jumped to session 10, scary thoughts, just too see what it was about). Lucinda's "tylenol poisoning" talk, sounded so me. I would never poison anyone, i know that, but my OCD and my "checking" really get me going. Here's me at a restaurant, there's ketchup and mustard on the table. I think "what if I go crazy and put poison in one of these things and the next person that uses them will die" Of course, I have no poison on me, I check and double check all of the time my hands pockets, etc. for ANYTHING that could be poisonous. Like say, oh...lotion, uh...can't think of anything now, but I would triple check my person for anything before I ever go in the restaurant. I get comfortable and right when I sit down, WHAM, I panic, "ok, what if I missed something, didn't check good enough, etc. what if something on the table is poisonous, like some cleaner or something and I poison my drink or the person I'm with" AHHH! I goes on and on. I always get through it, but then I get super depressed afterwards. Why do I think that way, what is wrong with me, am I crazy. AHh!!

Those are the biggies, i mean it's a never ending thing with me. I was hitting bottom about a month ago, then I decided, either I was going get some serious help, or I would just go nuts. One of the two. That's when I got the program. I am dedicating my life to working through this. I am doing, trying to do everything like the program says, I HAVE to get better. And I do see some changes already. I'm very analytical. But I've decided, I'm going to do this program on "blind faith", i have to or else I'll over analyze my way so it doesn't work. This has to work. Like I've said I'm also reaching out to my local mental health provider, for help and just someone to talk to about it. I noticed, the more I talk about it, the less it bothers me.

Well, I've written for about 1/2 hour now, this thing HAS to be long. Just looking for some encouraging words. Possibly someone else has felt these feelings too. Sometimes, I feel so alone in this, it's nice to know other people can relate, ya know <IMG SRC="http://bbs.stresscenter.com/ubb/smile.gif">

Thanks for reading, it was alot, I know.

Brian

Suzie-q · Post by **Suzie-q** » Sat Jul 14, 2001 8:26 am

Brian,

I'm so glad you raised this issue. I looked here last week, but no one had told their story yet, and I'm ashamed to say that I was really embarassed to tell mine. Well - here goes!

I can totally relate. A few years ago, I was very OC. I'm a "checker" too. Sometimes I would miss my bus in the morning because I had to check and re-check the front door. Just as I would lock it and start to walk away, I would think "Did I lock the door? I'm sure I did, but I went back in the house, so what if I'm remembering the first time I locked it and not the second time I locked it? What if someone breaks in and steals everything we have just because I didn't check the door?" On and on and on. Like a merry-go-round until I started to be late for work. I'm not sure what triggered it. I think my dad had a touch of it and still does. He re-checks the front door before going to bed. Check, check, check. I'm big on checking appliances too. (I'm laughing as I type because it sounds soo silly, but it's true! <IMG SRC="http://bbs.stresscenter.com/ubb/smile.gif"> ) My husband makes coffee every morning and it bothers me if he just unplugs the coffee maker, but doesn't turn off the switch too. Now before I go to work, I simply check things from afar. I can see that things are unplugged, so I move on with my day, which is a BIG improvement. I I think what really started it for me was the fact that about 5 years ago, our dryer caught on fire and nearly burned down our house. I was the one who discovered it and ever since then, it's been an issue for me. I find that my OCD is worse when I'm having high anxiety or depression.

You're not alone, you're not the worse case and you're going to come out of this just fine. Just ask yourself "Have I ever hit and killed anyone with my car before?" I bet the answer is "NO", so just keep going down the road. Try to soothe yourself by saying "It's just a bump in the road, it's not going to hurt me or anyone else. I'm going to keep driving ahead. Everything's okay. It's no big deal". Besides, you would KNOW if you hit a person, or anything else. You wouldn't have to go back and check. You are obviously familiar with the way speed bumps feel, or you wouldn't be saying "What if it's not a speed bump?" You know what it is, you're just second-guessing yourself and THAT'S what makes people like us double-check all the time. The next time you drive, just keep going. Same goes for the restaurant. You've never poisoned anyone before, and you're not going to start now. That person was created by a script writer for a movie. The character was an actor - it was all made-up, therefore it doesn't really exist. Someone who would poison a stranger wouldn't have a conscience about it - they would just do it. You HAVE a conscience and would never do it.

Now when I lock the front door, I walk away. I put the keys in my bag and don't look back. Who cares if someone breaks in? If they really want to get in, they're going to do it anyway, so that's something I can't control. I'm still working on the appliance thing, but as I progress through the program, I know I'm becoming better at recognizing when I'm OC and stopping it, so it's lessened quite a bit. That big red "STOP" sign from Lesson #3 is very handy and will always be there for me when I need it. Challenge your thoughts as soon as you have them and you'll start to see a difference.

Let's keep in touch and we'll get through this together!

Suzie-q

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 16, 2001 6:33 pm

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. Just knowing that you aren't alone is a HUGE part of feeling better. I just watched lesson #3 of the program. It's amazing how much better I feel just after watching a session. I don't have to really think that much about it, just watching and listening to others discuss their problems is a comfort. I am glad that I got the program, I'm noticing a positive change in my attitude and my symptoms. The hard thing is trying to remain patient and not look for the "quick" fix. I realize that being a "negative" person is for the most part the root of what brings on anxiety and depression. I've been pretty much in a negative mood for many many years now and have surrounded myself with negative things and people. I now understand that it's possible and necessary to switch my attitude to positive if I'm ever going to beat this anxiety. I'm hoping that the OCD will also go with it. I'm trying to believe everything Lucinda says with "blind faith", i'm used to be skeptical about things. And so far it's working for me. I'm having trouble doing all of the homework and assignments, seems like there is so much to do and so little time. I try and do as much as I can, but I'm having a hard time. The more I participate, the more I'll get out of the course too. I can totally understand your problem with OCD. I used to be a lot like you, more when I was younger. Mine likes to evolve, change to fit whatever situations or environment I am currently. Oh, the joy of OCD <IMG SRC="http://bbs.stresscenter.com/ubb/smile.gif"> But starting at the root of what is bothering me is the way to go and I believe that this program is giving me the tools I need to work through this gradually. I mean I've been OCD for almost most of my life and it's going to take some time to get through it. Just gotta take it one step at a time. We give each other strength.

Yak · Post by **Yak** » Fri Jul 20, 2001 9:05 pm

I have OCD but I have it in a different way than most people. I'm not a "checker" and I'm not a neat freak. My little "rituals" are doing things over and over, until it feels "right." Things like using my turn signal, lighting cigarettes, opening and closing doors, unlocking doors, locking doors, etc. It doesn't have to be the same amount of times that I do it over and over, just until it feels "right." When I say "right", I mean that I can't be having any negative thoughts while I am doing these things. For example, if I open my door and I am thinking about something bad, I have to open it again and think about something good. I know that must sound strange lol. Anyways, sometimes I only have to repeat it once, sometimes 10 times, just until the thought is out of my head. I am getting better at beating this though. I know that no matter what my thoughts are, nothing is going to happen as a result of how many times I do something. And I know that this is true deep down, but my anxiousness tells me I need to do these rituals to beat the thought. Like I said though I am getting better at beating this, I just try to let these thoughts drift out despite when I am doing something that usually involves a ritual. I wonder if anyone else has this type of OCD, please share.

Tony

Worrywoman · Post by **Worrywoman** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 6:43 am

Tony,

I know your posting is not very recent so I hope you come across it. I too have the same ritualistic thinking habits. I cannot go about my day until all negative thoughts are cleared out of my head when performing any type of task, even turing off the faucet or closing the refrigerator. It's so debilitating!! I am starting to just power through it and tell myself that only God is the ultimate decision maker. He knows our future, our obsessive thoughts do NOT!!! Everything tightens up inside my stomach but I just do it and let it go. Once you start, it gets easier everyday. let's keep in touch!

~Lisa~ · Post by **~Lisa~** » Sat Oct 15, 2005 12:47 pm

I'm right there with all of you, I'm a "checker" as well. It makes me giggle just reading about it, because I know how silly it is. But yes, it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Smile!
Lisa

alwaysbeenweird · Post by **alwaysbeenweird** » Tue Jan 27, 2009 12:26 am

Hello OCD-ers! My daughter-in-law used this term to describe my actions when I worried that germs from bronchitis co-workers were on my clothes and got on the freshly folded towels that I carried up for my pre-op son to dry with. He did get pheuomonia and severe bronchitis, but he hadn't used those towels after all. I am a checker, too, just yesterday so afraid to roll the refrigerator over its electrical cord after repositioning it and continually checking. And at work, wow, the fear of fire because I might not have shut everything off. It would be my fault if anything happened. A strong sense of responsibility. Part of my double checking is from fear that I didn't see well, or saw but wasn't engaged mentally at that moment, thereby thinking I had but actually overlooked, which I do on occasion. Then I had this stupid fear that my headaches were from this stress program because they increased after doing only the first few tapes. Wondered that all the thinking about my weirdness and its causes was too much stress. Come to find out it was posture at the pc and a condition of protruding discs that were and are still causing these debilitating migraines. Fear fear fear
I think this had a beginning, and as I recall childhood events that probably instilled this preoccupation with "my responsibility" I am attempting sometimes to recognize my habits as OCD and try to free up some mind space for creative thinking rather than obsessing. Thanks for your wonderful acknowledgments, it does make me feel better that I am not alone. Feel free to respond. I am still working out this dilemma.

kriskam01 · Post by **kriskam01** » Wed Jan 28, 2009 12:12 pm

here is my question that i am wondering if any of you are going through. i have been dealing with this fear of i don't know what for almost a year. it started with scary thoughts all after a surgery i panicked so badly to have and after. i really think it was the lexapro that triggered my issues. i was off lexapro for about 1 yr and only reason i was on it was the stress anxiety of being a mom and worked full time. nothing other then that. i had never had panic attack or anything described in the description of anxiety other then maybe some chest tightening. anyways back to the point. after my surgery i was given some pain meds but i didn't like the way they made me feel so i just started taking advil then one day i got so scared at home by myself i thought i have another refill on my lexapro and maybe that will help so i had it filled and took one that night. well i woke up feeling horrible but continued to take it for about 6days. i then had a friend that i asked how it made her feel when she took it ( big mistake this friend is on all kinds of meds for nerves and i have never had problems until this) well she told me that it made her want to put a gun to her head. well that was it for me i then went into panic mode thought i was going crazy and then thought it was doing the same to me. i think now that it was really just causing anxiety and if i would have just left it alone i wouldn't be going through what i am now. anyways what i am going through is not only did it cause the fear i was going to die it also caused the fear of hurting myself or loved ones. my kids it was horrible.i love my life and loved being at home and doing things around the house and now i am still nervous about being home by myself or just with kiddos because i can't let those feeling and fear and thoughts go. i just the last 2 days after a good break down of crying at work. feel better and kind of understand what let the thoughts be there. when you read it online i just don't understand because i tend to push them out to get them gone right then. it then puts me in this sad i feel sorry about myself mood and i hate it. i am determined to beat this with out meds and i am going to do it. i just don't know what is causing the fear still. i know it is just anxiety, i know that it made me lose all self confidence in myself and i know i will get that back. how do you know when you are getting better. do you just let things slide on through your day are do you still tend to worry a little. i know this is sooo long and prob doesn't make sence but i am trying to type while i am cooking and kiddo napping.

thanks

trying2bhelpful · Post by **trying2bhelpful** » Thu Jan 29, 2009 7:44 am

I can sympathize with you. My mom got really sick and all of a sudden I had this crazy image of hurting my 1.5 year old son who i love more than life! i freaked out and thought i was going crazy and was going to be on the news like some of the crazy people you hear about. I felt sooo alone and sad everytime i even looked at my baby. i went to counseling- he told me odc, intrusive thoughts. I was bummed at first i even had ocd. but came to accept it. i dont have the intrusive thoughts as much now, but when I do have them i know what they are and dont get all 'involved" in them. Its difficult to do at fisrt, but I just kept reminding myself and reading the ACT workbook, which i loved! Your not crazy- you dont need meds! Im sure your an overprotective loving mom-as I am. We just freak out on the worst possible scenarios because its so heinous to us! You will be fine- be careful talking to your friendo about it also.

thirtysomething · Post by **thirtysomething** » Fri Jan 30, 2009 4:52 pm

I am 14 weeks pregnant and think the worry and anxiety of becoming a parent and all the changes, responsibility is bring my anxiety back. I have been having random scary thoughts / visulizations about could I harm my baby and lately hurt myself. I wish I didn't have these thoughts and have not acted on them but just that I thought them is scary. And then wondering if I could or would ever do that and thinking about it. HOw did you stop or get these thoughts to go away? And not think about them furthet when they happen?