The Challenge...Lesson 4

THH · Post by **THH** » Sat Oct 02, 2010 2:26 pm

Thanks Mike!

It is one of those things I need to work on, I'm doing better and what do you think of my thought of "my strengths being a weakness"? I felt like Einstein or someone really bright! LOL...
I sorta said to myself, I am not going to let this feeling ruin my weekend. In my past I could dwelled on it and been mad, like in the tapes of that women locking her self in her bedroom. Everyone else had a great weekend, she was the only one getting mad. She was also mad because everyone else was having a good time. That used to be me. I am doing better with this and I have more work to be done.

I really wish she would give me time or try to change her perspective. In this case it is too high of a expectation. And being extended family I need to deal better as I really don't want to cause trouble for my husband and his sister.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Sat Oct 02, 2010 5:26 pm

There are pros and cons to everything. Your sensitivity can be a weakness. I don't think i can agree that your strenghts are a weakness but that your sensitivies can be a weakness. You didn't want to do something and she is mad at you because of that and frankly that is so childish. She is not as strong as us when it comes to admitting that we have problems and not taking the actions needed in order to deal with those problems and its sad. She is going to continue to live with that problem and instead of working on it and making things easier she just decides to live with it and all the negativity that comes with it. This is her own problem and you do not need to share that with her.

Oh you were talking about that woman who locked herself in her room to prove something to her husband. Her husband didn't even know she was mad and she ruined her own evening. Your husband's sister is doing that herself and well you can choose to spend your time feeling miserable and giving up the potential for good feelings or you can feel good. One concept that would be beneficial to learn is that there is no such thing is absolute fairness. We all live by what we think is fair. In essence this lady could be living by what she thinks is fair and that might not correspond to your idea of fairness. She could be fair to you but in her way but not in yours. If she is going to be that way it is not your fault and it really isn't you causing trouble for your husband and his sister it is her causing the trouble. You did nothing wrong, she is just thinking irrationally herself. Things could change in the future but the only thing you can do is accept it or be assertive with her. How important is this woman to you?

THH · Post by **THH** » Sun Oct 03, 2010 12:32 pm

Mike,
I think it maybe be in some instances. ( A weakness) I agree, that she continues to live with it, and it is sad. She don't even wonder what someone else s world is about. Thank you for hearing me, and sending me some comfort.

You got that right on the fairness. And your right, hers is different than mine. We are at different places in life. Neither is a better than each others, it would just be nice if she could show me she cares in a way I can recognize.

That is another good question, how important is she to me? I will ponder that thought some.
I guess she is extended family, the only sister-in-law I have. It would be nice if we were closer. Reality is now that we live far away it is not going to happen. I will think about this awhile. Hummmm. Thanks again.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Sun Oct 03, 2010 1:39 pm

Well one thing you can really do next time if there is a next time to her attacks...Is to point out that it bothers her as opposed to getting offensive, defensive or just silent. That is a great way to put the reponsibility on her and it will be like a seed you implant that causes her to start questioning things. You could also ask questions to make her realize how rediculous she is being and then you might have a chance of actually getting through to her.

Or perhaps you have a should...That you should have a good relationship with her because she is family. Could that be a possibility?

Mike

THH · Post by **THH** » Mon Oct 04, 2010 2:37 pm

Very good thought. Is it a should? It is, what do I do with it?
I was thinking of it as a expatation, but I think your right it is a should.

The should is just what you said. I should have a good relationship with her as she is family. I can't ever seam to really agree with how I am talked down to, and how I never seam to live the life / style they do. I do not want to but I always come away questioning my own life when I leave a visit or phone call. I don't get it.
Very few people can do this to me why this happens with her is crazy to me?
I will think about this being a should for a bit. hummmm.
Is this another peal of my onion?
Thanks Mike!

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Mon Oct 04, 2010 6:05 pm

Ya sounds like another peel and I cannot answer that with 100% certainty. Shoulds are expectations really. You think there should be a good relationship because she is family and you expect her to get along with you but she doesn't and it can make you feel bad about yourself and cost you self-esteem. She isn't worth your worth.

My idea of family is not the same as your as my family is not a safe, loving and caring family. So it is very diffrent for us. To me it is just the group of people that get the most love and affection by why limit your life to that? When it all comes down to it...siblings are just people that come from the same womb and share the same parents. There is no obligation to stay together besides the expectations people create themselves. She is just another human being that is no more special than anybody else.

I don't think i can really help you with this one.

Mike

THH · Post by **THH** » Tue Oct 05, 2010 2:24 pm

Mike,
Oh you did help, thanks. Some times there seams to be no real answers. I think I am just going to 1. think about whats going on here.
2. Try to maintain a quiet spirit.
3. be assertive if necessary.
And realize conflict is inevitable! How I chose to react will be my choice.

We are at opposite ends when we think about family. It seams like my thinking comes from the old days of a family with high expectations.
Almost a strive to be perfect, have the American dream. In reality, there is no such place. I have gotten a chance to think about this and you have helped me to realize expectations and should s are really the same. I think for me, some of my "problem" is that this whole world has changed, ( not always for the best) But hanging on to old values that one never has truly examined. ( Just did because that is what you did or was told) I have to do that with each issue. Find a more realistic code of honor so to speak, that I believe. It takes time to do this but it will be a goal for me.
You on the other hand have a very open mind and can look at things more open. Due to the fact that your family never gave you the "safe" loving, caring, you are much stronger as you are discovering that you are the safe person, the loving person. I think you are looking for it in other people, where I expect it in other people. We are both wrong! LOL. We are on the same path, we are our safe people.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Tue Oct 05, 2010 5:33 pm

Its good that we have both the extremes between us. Now if we could just mix that and find something in between that, then we'd be good!

I can understand never really truly examining that kind of stuff. I didn't start to examine stuff like that until i reached grade 7 and my world turned upside down. Thats when I realized how i acted towards others was wrong, how i was raised was wrong and I just started to question everything!

Yeah I kind of am looking for that safe and loving person in other people and actually when I find a friend whom shows me compassion, then I start to expect them to be my safe person.

I guess we are both wrong.

Mike

THH · Post by **THH** » Wed Oct 06, 2010 1:36 pm

Mike,
We'll keep working on it!

creamcheesepuff · Post by **creamcheesepuff** » Sat Oct 23, 2010 4:05 pm

Hey Mike and THH....Mike I want to apologize for not getting on the bandwagon with the new thread. I have been exploding with busy ness, if thats a word. But I am still here. Hope all is well with you and you are forging onward and upward.

THH....I tried sending you a thank you for your post that no one responded to in the past. Thanks for your compassion and consideration. I think MY SAFETY ZONE is really messed up now but I am a survivor and I will perservere when I do move from this hellhole of a town. creamcheesepuff